I dont know what to do anymore(kle1986)

 I'm really old, but having had relationships such as yours, and one stellar one, I hope I can comment and not make you feel badly.  The one thing I have come to know about men is that you should never really listen to what they say.  They will say just about anything so that you won't do "female" things like nag, cry, say you want more snuggle time, ask for him to do laundry, and a laundry list of other things.  Notwithstanding women's lib, which has only really served to put is in one additional workforce, pretty much, they act as they have for millenia.  What you should listen to is what they DO.  Men are action oriented.  So, if he isn't sleeping with you, he is either not that in to you, or there's someone else, or he has an agenda (control, revenge, whatever).  The person who needs counseling is not him - not because he doesn't need it, but because he won't go.  The person who needs the counseling is you.  You need to know how to have a relationship in which your needs are met, and one in which you don't feel that you have to change the other person.  The only person you can change is yourself.  Happily, sometimes when you do that, all kinds of miraculous things happen.  Women only get what they need when they stop "accepting" and start expecting healthy respect and attention.  Unfortunately, most get trapped by "But, I love him." or "I can't make it on my own financially." so they stay in loveless relationships far too long.  We all need to recognize our patterns and not repeat ones that don't work well for a healthy life.  JMHO, and thanks to my Michael for helping me see that light - finally.

Some great adivce here. I have one thing to add. If you want JJ, and want to stayed married to him, then fight for it. Here is one of my weapons

http://www.amazon.com/How-Seduce-Man-Keep-Seduced/dp/0806519258

Nice little book indeed. And one I never shared with the DH.

Goodluck!

spiritdogs

 I'm really old, but having had relationships such as yours, and one stellar one, I hope I can comment and not make you feel badly.  The one thing I have come to know about men is that you should never really listen to what they say.  They will say just about anything so that you won't do "female" things like nag, cry, say you want more snuggle time, ask for him to do laundry, and a laundry list of other things.  Notwithstanding women's lib, which has only really served to put is in one additional workforce, pretty much, they act as they have for millenia.  What you should listen to is what they DO.  Men are action oriented.  So, if he isn't sleeping with you, he is either not that in to you, or there's someone else, or he has an agenda (control, revenge, whatever).  The person who needs counseling is not him - not because he doesn't need it, but because he won't go.  The person who needs the counseling is you.  You need to know how to have a relationship in which your needs are met, and one in which you don't feel that you have to change the other person.  The only person you can change is yourself.  Happily, sometimes when you do that, all kinds of miraculous things happen.  Women only get what they need when they stop "accepting" and start expecting healthy respect and attention.  Unfortunately, most get trapped by "But, I love him." or "I can't make it on my own financially." so they stay in loveless relationships far too long.  We all need to recognize our patterns and not repeat ones that don't work well for a healthy life.  JMHO, and thanks to my Michael for helping me see that light - finally.

 Frankly, if my choices were: 1) stay in an intolerable relationship 2) leave or 3) "stroke his ego" in an attempt to draw him out and potentially heal the relationship, I would pick #3 nine times out of ten.

Really, to say "stroke his ego" is quite tongue in cheek.  What about "You reap what you sow" or "treat others as you would like to be treated"?  We ALL want to feel loved, needed, respected, admired, wanted, valued.... not just men.  ALL of us.  And if you want someone to do that for you, sometimes you have to make the first move.  What is that saying.... if you want something, give something away. 

Staying with JJ is not a case of "changing JJ" for Kim... it's more a case of rebuilding a connection.  JMO.

My sentiments exactly, Chuffy.   Relationships are hard work, period.  If you want to keep one, you have to nurture it  And, that can mean so many different things, depending on the relationship, the people involved. 

Yep, I agree with Chuffy too. Men don't ask for compliments or validation like women do, but it doesn't mean they don't need it or appreciate it. I tell my husband he's handsome all the time. What really seems to make him beam though is when I rave about something he's done or a project he completed. We've been in our house for 8 yrs and I still rave about all the things he's done to improve inside and outside. I also make sure to sing his praises to others and I can see that makes him smile. He pooh poohs it but I can tell that he appreciates that I appreciate him.

This is really a personal opinion of mine and is based on having gone thru a divorce. Remove the option of getting out and you might be surprised at how determined and creative you can be. I don't mean giving up on being happy and feeling like life is over. I mean saying to yourself "I'm in this for the long haul. How can I make it better for us?" Running can seem like the easy way out but it's very painful and even more so when a child is involved. Sometimes it's the last option and can't be avoided, but it should always be the very last option.

CoBuHe

Relationships are hard work, period. 

In my experience, the only relationships that I had to "work" at were ones I shouldn't of been in. 

willowchow

CoBuHe

Relationships are hard work, period. 

In my experience, the only relationships that I had to "work" at were ones I shouldn't of been in. 

 

Nothing worth having is free. There is a price for everything. And if you want it bad enough, you should be willing to work for it IMO.

No one knows what goes on in a relationship more than the people involved. We were ask to give some advice, but in the end, they will be the ones that have to live with the decisions they make.

If Kim wants JJ, I say fight and fight to win, but be cautious, you could still lose. Kim needs to realize the risks, and be willing to accept them.

Love and relationships are about compromise. To me, with what has been mentioned, it seems Kim compromises to much and JJ not at all. It is hard being a wife, I can't imagine being wife and mother too.

The first thing that needs to happen, before anything else, is she needs to let him know how she feels. Until they reach that step, the rest really does not matter.

willowchow

CoBuHe

Relationships are hard work, period. 

In my experience, the only relationships that I had to "work" at were ones I shouldn't of been in. 

 

The "hard work" needs to be equally shared, IMO.

 Ok here's an update.

I had a talk with JJ and told him how I was feeling and things I'd been thinking. I asked him how he was feeling and what'd he been thinking.

He thinks everything is perfectly fine. Dont have any complaints. So he says. Cant get anything else out of him. Oh and as for the intimate stuff he just dont feel like it. Ever. I asked him isnt it something he should be concerned about and he said no he's fine and why should he be concerned. I asked him then what was I supposed to do if he never felt like it and he said he didnt know but he never feels like it. 

Im tired. Tired of living life like this. Him thinking everything is perfectly fine and me over here just going with the flow. I cant do it anymore. I cant work on things alone. 

I am sorry to hear that. Seems you have some thinking to do for yourself.

I wish you the best in your decisions.

You shouldn't have to fight to get him to work on the relationship.  He either cares about it or he doesn't.  And, if he doesn't then it's time to move on. 

She shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells around him.  He should be concerned that she's stating she's not happy. 

KIM, good luck whatever you decide on!

kle1986

Tired of living life like this. Him thinking everything is perfectly fine and me over here just going with the flow. I cant do it anymore.

I think you just answered all of your own questions right there. (((hugs))) I wish you the best of luck, and strength

kim, i'm really sorry you are in this situation. i know that with samantha your decision will be difficult. but as a divorce-child, i just want you to know, as long as you are there to support her (and also let her support you - she is still little, but you have each other!) she will be fine! your happiness is important to her too! and you wouldnt want her to start resenting JJ later on in life for making you miserable!

not trying to push your decision into either direction with this...

we're all here for you!