I dont know what to do anymore(kle1986)

I seem to recall you two were having this issue not long ago and that it improved for a little while.  Now it's back to the same-old, same-old.  I don't think you are being silly.  Your needs aren't getting met. 

Do you express your needs to him?  Not just in the bedroom, but in other areas?  If he's a typical male, communication is difficult for him, which doesn't make it right, but makes any meaningful conversation tough to have.  Is there anything he likes to do that you'd be interested in learning about?  Do you include him with your daughter and dogs together with you?  Maybe those sort of interactions would draw him out.  Maybe he feels like it's you and the dogs or you and Samantha and he feels left out.

I'm just throwing stuff out there to ponder.  Perhaps counseling would help if he's willing to go.  Just don't let him get away with thinking you have to do all the work to keep things going.  It takes two to tango.

Sounds to me like you've built separate lives.  I have a husband who works til 10 p.m. most of the time -- he's management so he leaves the house at 6:30 a.m. and wakes me on his way out.  It would be easy to say "don'tf wake me up!" because I don't have to get up then.  But I want that connection.

When he works til 10:00 (or later) I *never* eat without him.  If we had kids I'd feed them if necessary, but I grew up in a home where my Dad worked late and Mom **always** waited dinner for him.  Honestly, I don't care how dead tired I am, but if Davey's only home for 7-8 hours I'm GONNA be awake as much as possible.  He may crash on the futon (and always comes to bed later even if it's only for an hour if he didn't wake up) but I never go to bed while he's awake. 

It's a choice -- I have made sure when he's home that I'm there.  We may not talk a lot -- BOTH of us are computer nerds (we must have 4-5 working computers between the two of us).  BUT we may email more than we talk, but we DO that.

Dogs?  It's **with him** all the way.  It's always a joint decision.  I don't try to build a "life" around the dogs -- yes, I spend tons of hours on the computer helping folks, but even then it's all discussed with David.  (Folks have not a clue but he knows most of you as well as I may!!) 

That didn't evolve overnight -- But I had a "separate life" marriage the first time around.  And I made sure when David and I were first together that we built our interests on commonality.  If the SPCA has a fundraiser - I don't go alone.  I would NOT go alone.  He knows, honestly, that I just plain don't go off and do stuff without him. 

I have friends -- not here in Orlando much.  We simply have chosen to do stuff together.  Honestly, lots of times it's stuff HE is interested in.  He's far more the shopper than I am -- but we try, as much as possible, to dovetail stuff so we do it together. 

It's HARD to have him work nights -- but probably if it were me I'd probably make sure you're awake when he gets home and have breakfast with him or something.  Even if you have to take a nap later ...

Unless you can get him to talk to you, then you don't stand much chance -- but I'm reminded of those articles ... gee was it Good Housekeeping that used to do the "Marriage in Crisis" articles where she'd tell HER story and he'd tell HIS?  If JJ told his, I'd betcha he would say you're not interested in anything he likes, so he amuses himself on the computer so he doesn't spend money.  He may honestly feel like he has little in common with you and you have built your own life around Samantha and the dogs.  If he doesn't share your dream of dog show stuff it may bore him to tears.  I know he likes the dogs, but what's his passion?

A lot of men simply simmer like that -- but unfortunately they often are getting their needs met online.  Either they are into role-playing games and get their adventure-fix that way, or they're getting their social needs met there as well. 

If you've both built separate lives it all depends on whether there is love there or not.  You were obviously married young ... and often when we cross that threshold into adult-responsible-life paths can diverge rather than converge. 

I don't mean to make it sound like David and I are perfect.  He was single FORTY-FOUR YEARS.  That scared the bejjebers out of me because I didn't think he'd ever adapt to being "together" with me.  BUT I guess I made sure enough when he was in the UK and I was here and we were both online that we DID have enough in common to try the insane idea of having a relationship.  We both said to each other 100 times ... "This will probably NEVER work -- the probability of it is unbelievably negative!!"

Maybe that made us work harder.  He left EVERYTHING to come here -- he was making hundreds of thousands of pounds sterling a year in a high executive position and rather than take another job when that company was bought we got married and he came here.  He worked for almost 3 1/2 years as a glorified copy boy until he found a company here that would hire him without a college degree.  So he's worked very hard to get where he is. 

On the other hand -- I don't do most of what I *used* to do.  I used to watch TV virtually every waking moment that I wasn't at work.  (and there were days when I could barely peel myself away from it to GO to work) But ... it's a time waster to me now ... and I'd rather sit next to David both of us reading a book than be glued to the TV while he's reading.  It's a subtle difference but it's time "together".

It was actually DAVID last year who wanted to go to Texas to get Tinkerbell.  He'd wanted to adopt a pug for a while -- but it was a decision we both went into very very very open-eyed.  I do the writing (and the bathing and the cooking *grin*) but he makes the effort to leave early from work when we have an evening vet visit any time he possibly can.  Again -- it's a choice for us.  We *choose* to try to dovetail things because we realize it's integral in staying together.

Don't compare yourself to this -- I was 42 and he was 44 -- second marriage for me (and shoot, I didn't marry the first creep til I was 31!!!)  But I knew all the things that were wrong with my first marriage but he didn't care enough to fix them.  But i did learn this -- when a couple spends NO time together they can't communicate.  When they have NO interests together they can't communicate.  When neither of them sacrifice to make time to be with the other -- there's no incentive there to be appreciative or care.  That can't be one-sided. 

I guess my only read advice would be to try to crawl inside his head and figure out first how HE feels.  I'd bet he feels excluded.  I'd bet he feels like Samantha needs him but that he may either not measure up to your social needs or that he just has nothing at all in common with you.  Can you change that?  What did he used to do that he doesn't do any more at all -- maybe because it's expensive or because it's not 'responsible' (extreme sports, etc.)

You may not be trying to exclude him -- but when you're not together even when he is home that leads me to believe it's a pattern that's developed because it was convenient.  Not "bad" -- neither of you are bad people.  But just maybe not maturing in the same direction at the same time?

 Yes it's back to the same old stuff.

He doesnt feel left out when it comes to Samantha. She prefers him over me. And he knows it. She tells him all the time she loves him more than me. That doesnt bother me because I know it's because Im the tougher parent and he's the softy. Plus I didnt have my dad around as a kid and still dont so I am happy for her that he is so involved with her. 

He doesnt care about doing any dog activities and I knew he wasnt into that in the first place. He has gotten better though with the dogs and that's only because Joker has him under a spell. 

The only thing he wants to do with me is play computer games. Yes I like the computer and I do like most of the games he plays but that isnt my whole life! It seems for him it is when he's home. Which is fine because I have the dogs and he has his games but gosh I dont pester him into doing dog stuff like he does with the computer games. 

He isnt gonna go to counseling. 

I have told him how I feel. But he doesnt seem to get it. Im at the point of where I want to leave. 

kle1986

The only thing he wants to do with me is play computer games. Yes I like the computer and I do like most of the games he plays but that isnt my whole life! It seems for him it is when he's home. Which is fine because I have the dogs and he has his games but gosh I dont pester him into doing dog stuff like he does with the computer games. 

That's not ALL he wants to do - I'm 90% sure of that.  It's all he feels he CAN do at the moment, or all he can be bothered to do... or all he feels "safe" doing. But I am sure there are other things he wants.

I've said it once and I'll say it again - the best place to stroke a man is his ego.  Think of ways you can make him feel good about himself, to draw him out.  Maybe once you've done that you'll see a glimmer of something worth saving.  If not, at least you can walk away knowing you tried your best..... But it really IS worth your best, because of Samantha.

Also - and this part is not pleasant, but I think it hs to be said - there is a saying that you see your own faults in other people.  The things that you don't like about the way he is behaving - well, I would lay money on that he sees something similar in you as well.  That's not me being horrible, honest - it is NEVER all ONE person.  It's usually a little of both, right?  Can you think of anything you can "fix" on your end?

 We posted at the same time Callie.

JJ used to have a bike before Samantha was born. He traded it in so we could have a second car. It was his first bike he had bought brand new and he finally had it paid off. I think sometimes he regrets giving it up. He has been mentioning lately he wants another but we dont have a garage or shed to keep it put away in.

He also has been wanting to get another Vizsla but I told him we should wait another year or two and I dont know how he feels about that. I think he finally is ready for his own dog after all these years and Im sure he was put off when I said we shouldnt yet.

If I was to wait on JJ to do something with me dog related or non dog related and he didnt want to I would never get to do anything. I do ask if he wants to go with me but I always get a no. If I really want JJ to do something I have to send Samantha to ask because he will then.

Chuffy

 Can you think of anything you can "fix" on your end?

Yes there is. I could get a job. I have been trying also. I have applications everywhere. We're not struggling financially I have to add. We get our bills paid on time,house payment on time, plenty of groceries every week, and a little money left till next payday but if I had a job it would be a weight off his shoulders that he isnt the "sole" provider. Work is going great for him now. Heck their working overtime but the scare around Christmas time was well scary!

How do I stroke his ego when he doesnt do anything but sit at the computer when he's home? I mean do I compliment him when he plays with Samantha or something?

As for the computer you would have thought he was gonna die the 2 1/2 weeks we didnt have power when the ice storm hit. Heck he's thinking of getting a laptop so he can take it with him when we go to the lake this summer. You dont think that's bad?

 Maybe compliment him when he does something with Joker? When Alex does something with the dogs, I praise him abit then offer suggestions on what he could change to help them listen to him better. Although I do make it sound like it's his idea (thanks Chuffy! For the suggestion Lol)

Alex and I have a similar problem. I've built a life working with the dogs that doesn't include him. And he's physically unable to work due to injuries so he feels left out and helpless.  He spends alot of his day either playing video games or laying down. Maze will actually bring a ball to Alex for him to throw *yes we play fetch in the house. Lol* just to get his involvment..

Chuffy

kle1986

The only thing he wants to do with me is play computer games. Yes I like the computer and I do like most of the games he plays but that isnt my whole life! It seems for him it is when he's home. Which is fine because I have the dogs and he has his games but gosh I dont pester him into doing dog stuff like he does with the computer games. 

 

That's not ALL he wants to do - I'm 90% sure of that.  It's all he feels he CAN do at the moment, or all he can be bothered to do... or all he feels "safe" doing. But I am sure there are other things he wants.

I bet Chuffy is sooooooo right!

I've been struggling with similar issues with BF - I've felt my needs have not been met, and that he's only been interested in online gaming and "bedroom stuff" (but just bedroom stuff, no flirtation, no romance). It's been driving me absolutely crazy!!!!! I've alternately felt like crying, punching him in the stomach, and just getting up and leaving. But I've been trying really, really, REALLY hard to talk to him and try to understand instead. (He and I have been together about 6 years, too.)

Today on the way home from work I was thinking about our relationship struggles and got so frustrated, feeling like he wasn't making any effort, that I started to cry. Then, unexpectedly, when I came home he said, "I have a present for you." You know what the present was? Sitting down to talk about some relationship things that have been bothering him. He said, "I know you've been saying you need more emotional intimacy, so I've been trying to think about why I've been unhappy lately, and......" This after weeks and weeks of me asking for us "to talk" and him insisting that everything was fine and he had nothing to say. It just took him a long time to get in touch with how he was feeling, and figure out how to express that to me. Go figure!

 Because of these minor things that have been bothering him, he has been withdrawing into himself (so as not to get mad at me) and finding an outlet through online games. He's also been frustrated with work - as he's stuck in a career he doesn't like, and can't make a change until next year - so as someone (Callie?) said, he's finding an outlet for his craving for adventure through online games, since he doesn't feel like he has much opportunity for adventure/excitement in real life.

So while *I* feel like I'm a really low priority in his life compared to his online games, he doesn't see it that way at all - it's just a coping mechanism for him.

I don't have any wildly helpful advice, since I'm still struggling with the same issues myself, but I guess I'm just saying... don't give up. And try to be open-minded and understanding, and really listen to what he's trying to say (not just what he says, but try to decipher what he means) even when you feel like just punching him!

It might be helpful to try couples' therapy, too, if you think JJ would go for it...

My FH and I have been together for 7 years, and are planning a wedding for next summer. Recently, my brother came to me with some worries for us and our future. I was heartbroken, because a lot of the things he brought up are doubts I've been having, but have pushed out of my mind because I just want us to be happy together.

Upon A LOT of reflection, I came to realize that I've been unhappy for quite a while in our relationship. I won't go into the list of problems that have been going on, but I will say that we've got a ton to work out, for starters, we, too, live very separate lives even though we've been living together for the past 3 years. (I've been debating starting a "help me" thread myself!) I struggled with whether or not to leave him flat out or to put *more* work into our relationship. For now I've decided on postponing the wedding and talking with him about all of this.

I told him I needed to talk to him because I was feeling unhappy, and told him my concerns about us and our future together. He is very depressed (this I knew) and we agreed that he would seek help with a therapist, I would like to start seeing someone as well, and we're considering couples counseling as well. Also, he acknowledged that a lot of things need to change about his life, and agreed to work on things. He also let me know what the things about me, and the way I live my life, make him unhappy. We *both* have things to work on, and for now, we are working on it not only for ourselves but for each other too.

I'm still really unsure about our future, but I guess only time will tell.

I don't know that I really have any advice, other than if you both can agree that the relationship is worth saving, then I would recommend talking, seeking help, finding ways to involve each other in your own lives, and putting the *spark* back in the relationship. We are really looking forward to the summer and getting out and doing things together.

It's hard sometimes getting a man to talk about serious things. Whenever I've been really seriously unhappy my man will try to avoid "The Talk" as long as possible, because he knows it's going to be emotional and he'll be upset and even though I think it's insane to ignore it, he would prefer it that way.

My partner also works long hours, although not night work. And sometimes I get sent out of town for a few days. We always make the effort to touch base every day. He comes home and doesn't want to talk or anything and gets the laptop out and zones out. He needs to do that after work. But if one of us is feeling snubbed or neglected we have a playful way to express ourselves that usually goes along the lines of "Why don't you love me? I was sitting here waiting for you to give me a cuddle and you got the computer instead. You love the computer more than you love me." and the answer is generally "That's right, I love the computer more than you." but then the computer gets put down and we have a snuggle. Lately it's become "You love Kivi Tarro more than you love me." and Kivi gets to cuddle us both.

It's not easy, but sometimes I think you need those brutally emotional talks where you really let them know how sad you are. If nothing else it will bring out what they are thinking but didn't want to say themselves. And a good way to avoid brutally emotional talks is to make sure you establish a good habit of communicating before it gets to be so emotional.

I want to save this relationship but I cant do it alone. I cant take another year of pretending everythings ok when it's not. I will talk to him tomorrow and hope he tells me the truth on how he feels and what he thinks about the way things have been lately. But I refuse to keep going like this. I cant keep going like this.

I think one of the first things you have to think is if you really want to be with him and how much you love him. So you will find the strenght in yourself to fight for your marriage.

Keep Samantha and the dogs aside. They all will be OK with any outcome. The important part of a marriage is the couple that shares the same bed and responsabilities, because you were there before the babies, the cats and the dogs and probably you will be there after they are gone. I would recommend to take some time for both of you together without any distractions and do something different, go bowling, go camping, go for dinner out, go shopping for something for Samantha... do something that would make you guys talk, just talk. Do a project at home, something that you will ask him to do with you... pick your favorite pictures of the family to build a collage, build a shed so he will have some space to have, a bike?

In my case is easy, because I'm so clumsy and weak I always need help and I'm used to ask for help. So I ask for help and I think that makes DH feel good and useful around me. I can be very self-sufficient (sp?) but I have learned that things are better when you share stuff with others, specially your partner. Is not the same to see the yard clean and perfect while one is destroyed and tired and the other is rested and clean, than share some lemonade with dirty hands and a big grin of success. I try to share everything with DH: all the funny stuff that happens while he is not around and give him also some space. I have learned to demand attention and to give him my attention.

I do not care a single bit about sports or war related movies, but from time to time I sit there and watch and pay attention and ask questions and share his interests. So when I'm all excited about birds building a nest he gets it and even builds this crazy tripod thingy to take pictures of the eggs hatching. He told me he never saw a nest before in his life, he never was aware of those things before he met me. And now I know about the enigma machine and the secret codes of the german ~LOL~

I think the answer is to work hard for what you want. Have patience, because is not going to be success in one day, but you know about those things, so you just need to fix a goal and elaborate a plan to get it. Determine in your life what really matters to you and work for that.

...another thing: to receive a kiss, you kiss first.

 I have a bike and a dog pen door that needs fixing. You know what he said? Told me to go buy another bike and the concrete block keeping the door shut is doing a good job.

I cant get him to go out unless Samantha is with us. I have tried and tried. That was one of my complaints last time.