I dont know what to do anymore(kle1986)

I wish I had something new to add, but everyone has given you great advice and different perspectives on the problem.  I just wanted to say that some dear friends of mine are divorcing after twenty years of marriage.  They lived completely separate lives.  She with the dogs and him with his career.  It's incredibly sad for both of them and for everyone who cares for them.  I was stunned to discover just how separate they were, because they acted completely normal and loving to the outside world.  Turns out they have both been very unhappy for many, many years but didn't know how to fix things.  Unfortunately, the wheels came off completely and suddenly.  To be honest with you, it really opened my eyes and my husband's too.  We have been much more appreciative of each other and have been more aware of how easy it is to drift apart.

 My advice is, if you want to save your relationship, somehow start the dialog and don't give in or give up because it feels like a lost cause.  If JJ won't participate, then you have some tough choices to make.  I hope you can get him to see just how important this is to you.  I feel pretty sure, as others mentioned, that JJ can't be happy either.  I really hope you two can work things out but someone has to get things stirred up and out in the open and it looks like, that's you.  Sending you good vibes.  Hugs.

I don't really have any advice.  My husband and I don't spend tons of time together.  But, we do things together on the weekends and we talk daily on the phone and in the morning and at night before bed.  I hope it works out for you guys. 

I jokingly call his computer "Dell-a, the other woman" (it's a Dell!). He disappears into that darned thing and loses complete track of time.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure there's nothing else going on? There's nobody else in the picture, right?Also, I have a family member whose DH is gay.  She didn't find out about it until they had been married for many years.  They are still together and yes, they have kids and yes, they still have sex! They chose to remain in the relationship since they have sooo much invested in it and they still love each other (both are still completely monogomans as well).

It is also very easy to get stuck in a rut when in a relationship.  Try to ease up on him a bit (I know, this is a toughie!) and help him unwind. Let him know just how much it bothers you that he gets on the computer the second he walks in the door.See if he will spend five minutes asking about your day before he heads to "Dell-a". The computer WILL be there a few minutes later. Ask if he will turn it off a few minutes earlier and the two of you go to bed and just cuddle--NO pressure for sex, just to emotional bonding.  You guys BOTH need it, whether he want to admit it or not.

 Have you ever heard the song "Lonely Alone" by Julie Roberts. That has been my life for 8 years. Yes, there was frequent sex and I mean just sex. Kissing? Unless I initiated it, forget about it. The last straw was he had to stay in a hotel for the night because of work, when he got home I ran out to the truck to say "Hi!" and get a hug and kiss and you know what he said? "Not now, I'm tired and whats for dinner?" I left the next day with Tootsie and Peaches. I fooled myself into believing that since we were having sex, everything was fine. I now have my own apartrment, my OWN car and I can do what I want, when I want. You know what "Never make a man your priority, when he makes you an option."

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zce7WP5RFyc

I will chime in on this one with my own experiences, and that is all that it is.  You have gotten a lot of great perspective, ideas and support.  Hubby and I have been together for 10 years now and got married right at 6 years of being together.  I remember feeling like the first year of marriage was the hardest year we had together.  There were outside circumstances to some of it, but I also felt like I finally understood what they meant by the 7 year itch.  It is like the curiousity of what else might be out there, or maybe the itch that you aren't completely satisfied in your relationship and wonder if there is better.  I chose to stay with hubby and work it out.  I came to find out mine was cheating on me with drugs.  I gave him a year in my head. without him having any idea, and his actions spoke louder than his words that he wanted to change and make things work.  I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined the drugs were in the background.  Almost 5 years later, I am happier than I have ever been and I think he feels the same way, or at least that is what he expresses and what his actions say.  He was severely depressed which sent him to find other means of excitement in his life back then.  There could easily be a lot of answers...the question is whether he is willing to take a look at your life together and his feelings individually.   

I think relationships can easily get into a monotonous rut.  I admit, I spend too much time on the computer...but hubby spends too much time watching sports so really the computer is my coping mechanism for all the sports he is watching. and we both pause or stop when there is something we want to discuss or the other expresses their need for some attention.  We spend time together every night and talk and now that we have a child, we play with her and have to try even harder to make a little time for each other without the TV the computer. 

You need to ask yourself how hard you are willing to work on this?  JJ may not step up to the plate right away, b./c he may need time to process what he is feeling.  I think making time for him and showing him your dedication to the relationship by maybe getting up and having breakfast with him while Samantha is still asleep might be a good thing.  Maybe the two of you need some time alone and maybe you will have to encourage that time more.  And like someone else said, men tend to react better when you phrase things in a way that makes them think it was their idea.  It is just one more way that we can stroke their egos. 

Just be sure that when you talk to him, you aren't attacking him...that you have approach him asking to have a discussion about your feelings and that you would love it if he will discuss his too.  Stay calm and try not to get overly upset.  This is a sensitive subject and can cause people to go on the defense very quickly.  Be very concious of your words.   

Also, it never hurts to take a step back and make a list of what things about JJ you really like.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the things that make us unhappy that we loose sight of what attracted us to them in the first place. 

I think you and JJ need to have a heart-to-heart talk. Away from computers, tv, kids, dogs. Can you get a weekend away? To a cabin, or camping? Somewhere where there are no distractions. Where you can get it all out, openly, honestly. Not accusingly. You may want to Google "computer addiction" and see if you think that's part of the problem.

Good luck Kimberly, I really it works out for you two. 

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Try watching it. You can also get the booked called "The Love Dare" which is what the movie is based on. Yes, it is a "Christian movie", but even if you are not religious, the message of how to be in you relationship is good and important. Also, maybe your DH doesnt like fixing things, like your bike or the door. some guys just dont want to do that stuff. Is that kind of stuff really worth getting upset over? I read an interesting article in a magazine once, a woman wanted to leave her husband and her mom had her write a list of all the things she didnt like about her husband or things he did that irritated her and then her mom had her write down her response to her husband when he did these things and then she ripped the list in half and told her daughter that her reactions were the things she needed to/could work on. Why dont you plan on doing stuff together alone, no kids, no dogs. Plan a time or day to have sex. Schedule it, so he knows its coming and cant use a last minute excuse. Buy some new lingerie, do something sexy for him without expecting anything in return. I dont know... I just hate to see people give up on marriage.

I have suggested it before, but I will again -- I have often found rather than **confronting** him to have THE TALK, that it's way better for me to sit down and type it out in a letter.  It takes me HOURS.  (and I've only had to do this three times I think in 12 years but each time it was critically important)

But I make sure I say things so they are understandable.  Did I really say that the right way?  Did I explain that?  Wow ... that sounded dumb.  And then I take time to cry too, when I have to.

BUT ... then I leave it taped to the mirror.  I do NOT expect him to look me in the face as he reads it.  If he gets ticked off and walks away from it at first fine.  But he will read it.  Invite conversation.  Invite him to reply in kind ... but it takes that whiney, emotional female thing out of it.  Really often that turns them off and they never listen to a thing you say. 

It's not a substitute for communicating - however, it CAN get you heard better than anything else I've found.  David can be very quiet and stoic -- he was single for 44 years!!  And me being emotional is just something he doesn't deal at all well with. 

Mostly what I'm hearing from you is anger -- not saying it's not justified, but it's not productive.  And I'm hearing some bitterness in there about Samantha too.  I think it's *very* unfortunate that she was ever allowed to freely express that she "loves Daddy more" ... yeah, they'll say that, but allowing it to be said unchallenged repeatedly is destructive to everyone's relationships.  It's manipulative on his side to like it and on her side to say it.  It's really not true -- there's a big difference between "love" and "like" ... and sometimes we all don't "like" each other. 

Does JJ work around other people?  In another way what you're describing is someone with agoraphobia - someone who has learned to fear crowds and get almost a panic attack around other people.  Men, in particular, don't feel like they can give in to that and so they just AVOID AVOID AVOID.  My ex could think up a zillion reasons never to go or do anything.

BUT ... on his own during the day?  (when I was working ... and HE didn't work b/c of post-traumatic stress) He went EVERYWHERE.  He would go from drivethru to drivethru to drivethru, he would go to computer stores and grocery stores.  But to go anywhere with me?  Nope.  Difference?  I think "purpose".  He avoided the inside of a restaurant but could handle the drive thru.  If he was looking for something he had no problem shopping -- but Christmas?  Year after year I went with NO present at all because he was "afraid of the mall".  (yeah ultimately he admitted the agoraphobia and wallowed in it)

You getting a job is changing your situation.  But it's honestly not changing *you*.  And I think that's more what some of the above mean.  If he WANTS you to play computer games with him ... honestly that is something.  For him, it's safe.  It's known.  It isn't revealing anything of himself when he doesn't want to.  HE pushes the keys so he's in control. 

I can almost promise you that his whole computer thing is one of avoidance and getting what he perceives as "his needs" met.  If you just present him with a list of "things" you want him to change -- he may alter some behaviors to pacify you  but he won't change. 

On the other hand you have the dogs (and to a lesser degree the computer) that give you unconditional acceptance.  But you have no ability to step away from being a mother.  And he seems to be able to not bother with husband/father stuff successfully. 

If you decide to leave will you leave Samantha with him?  That could seriously make for a wake-up call.  It wouldn't be pretty ... but it might be worth exploring.

For whatever reason, he's definitely shut you out and if he won't go to counseling or talk to you, then I don't see how anything can be fixed. Maybe if you leave it will be a wake up call. If he still isn't willing to do anything to save your marriage then I'd say it worked out for the best.

I don't have much to add - and with my long list of failed friendships/relationships - I may not be the best one for advice here.

But - make sure you are not confusing 'love' with 'comfort'. Yes - you can be comfortable with someone, you click - things work fine for the two of you - but if there's not love - there isn't much of a relationship. People can be scared to move on, because they are so used to the way things were....(and boy, have I learned this one!) Don't be afraid of change. Don't be afraid to talk and tell him what's bothering you... maybe you two really do need a break.

I hope things work out for the best for YOU. Whether it's with JJ or not...again - take what I say from the single side of the road...

calliecritturs

I have suggested it before, but I will again -- I have often found rather than **confronting** him to have THE TALK, that it's way better for me to sit down and type it out in a letter.  It takes me HOURS.  (and I've only had to do this three times I think in 12 years but each time it was critically important)

But I make sure I say things so they are understandable.  Did I really say that the right way?  Did I explain that?  Wow ... that sounded dumb.  And then I take time to cry too, when I have to.

BUT ... then I leave it taped to the mirror.  I do NOT expect him to look me in the face as he reads it.  If he gets ticked off and walks away from it at first fine.  But he will read it.  Invite conversation.  Invite him to reply in kind ... but it takes that whiney, emotional female thing out of it.  Really often that turns them off and they never listen to a thing you say. 

I will second this suggestion.  I have also done this when it was something really important.  It gives you the opportunity to really think about how you want to say things and what you really want to say while keeping a lot of the emotion out of it.  I always forget about all of those critical things when it comes down to us talking.  This will give him time to think about your feelings and think about his feelings and maybe even respond.  It will mean you can both approach things in a calm manner when you are both ready to approach things.

Kim, you've gotten some great advice to work with. 

I think that this is something that everyone needs to do, myself included. 

boneyjean

Also, it never hurts to take a step back and make a list of what things about JJ you really like.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the things that make us unhappy that we loose sight of what attracted us to them in the first place. 

 Have you asked him what he wants in the relationship? Or even what he wants when he gets home as far as some time alone? I know when my husband comes home after spending all day managing people and customers, he just wants some time alone with no hassles, no 'needing' for a bit.

I've learned to let him decompress, and if it gets particularly long or habit forming, then I remind him that just because he's talked out from work doesn't mean he can ignore me any more. I give him his space, and as a result he talks to me and interacts more. But we've also gotten comfortable just being in the same room together doing 'stuff'.

We've been together almost 24 years, and I have to say the most important part of our relationship is being able to talk to each other about anything. It does take two to make a relationship work, and I hope you can impart to him how upset you are and that you can manage to talk to each other about repairing your relationship.