I dont know what to do anymore(kle1986)

lorib

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure there's nothing else going on? There's nobody else in the picture, right?

boneyjean

You need to ask yourself how hard you are willing to work on this? 

I've been working hard on it for the past 3 years. And as time goes on I sit back and think about my life, where it's at, and where I was "supposed" to be at by now. I have my child like planned and now finally getting to show dogs like I dreamed but my other half part just plan sucks to think about. Sorry but that's the only way I can say it.

boneyjean

Also, it never hurts to take a step back and make a list of what things about JJ you really like.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the things that make us unhappy that we loose sight of what attracted us to them in the first place. 

I do that. And that's just it. He isnt anything like he was. 

Callie his job is to tell people what to do at work and do computer work. He isnt big on arguing,fighting, confrotation, that sort of thing either. So I think I will write a letter to him that way Im not getting upset,raising my voice, and to make sure I get everything I need to say said. 

I too like the computer and we do like some of the same games. But after a while I want off. He has the computer and I have the dogs, fine, but I can break away from the dogs for a while to spend some time with him which he does not seem to be able to do with the computer.

If I leave Samantha is going with me. He couldnt take care of her on his own. Not with his work schedule. Besides I am not one to be able to walk away without my child.

Thanks guys for all the advice. 

It does sound as if there is a deeper issue. I know plenty of guys who flat out adore their kids, but none shut their wives out in doing so.  It doesn't seem as if the computers/gaming are addictions, since he seems to be able to function in other areas, but it does seem a coping mechanism...something he can focus on rather than address the issues at hand.  It does seem there has to be something deeper going on than a normal rut in a relationship.   Does he have a libido at all? (does he look at adult things on the internet, etc)  Could be a medical issue as well, be it depression or another issue.

Regarding having his own dog, wasn't Sinder to be his?

kle1986

How do I stroke his ego when he doesnt do anything but sit at the computer when he's home?

Praise is always good!  Any time he does anything non-computer related, make sure you show your appreciation - a genuine smile, a thank you, a kiss, a hug, a "you're so good at...." Think of it like dog training.  If you let every good behaviour in your dogs go by unnoticed, unmarked and unrewarded what are the chances that good behaviour will continue?

TOUCH!  It doesn't have to be a lot - a hand on his arm or shoulder is enough.  But physical touch is important.  Guys are usually physical people.  Otherwise, what you say might pass unnoticed because he is absorbed in something else.  Think of it a little bit like a "click".    Plus, it is going to go a little way to re-introduce some intimacy.  Trying all in one go might be too much, it could even be non-sexy and a bit off-putting, or even embarrassing.

The other thing to do is to recognise that if this IS an addiction and he is using it as a crutch to avoid facing real issues in his life, then it's going to be almost impossible to give up if the underlying issue is ignored.  They have to be addressed first IMO.  Again, like a dog... set him up for success.

Lastly, I would be tempted to put it to him, gently, that the way he is behaving is having a negative impact on Samantha.  When she is all grown up and settling down and making a family of her own.... does he want her to do that with someone who adores her and treats her well, or someone who ignores her in favour of his own interests?  Does he want HER to feel lonely/unwanted/frustrated/etc. when she is grown?  Because HE is her standard of measure. A change in him is something Samantha needs - A LOT - and if she knew she needed to ask for it, she would. 

boneyjean

Also, it never hurts to take a step back and make a list of what things about JJ you really like.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the things that make us unhappy that we loose sight of what attracted us to them in the first place. 

Well, it does hurt should you do that and discover the answer is "very little". This happened to me a few months ago and I was SO close to getting up and leaving. Then I decided to dump the contraceptive pill and voila, I love all sorts of things about the guy again. That damn pill nearly destroyed my relationship! Thank goodness I had a suspicion something strange was going on and was able to pinpoint it.

In all honesty, though, I could not imagine a relationship with someone in which we didn't go and do things together. Even when I was wanting to leave, me and my partner still did most things together. When we are not at work we are generally together. We do grocery shopping together, we run errands together, we walk the dogs together, we even pop down to the shops for takeaway together. We consult each other on everything. Not all couples are that "together", but what's the point if you do nothing together and can't even jolly him into it for old time's sake?

grab01

It does sound as if there is a deeper issue. I know plenty of guys who flat out adore their kids, but none shut their wives out in doing so.  It doesn't seem as if the computers/gaming are addictions, since he seems to be able to function in other areas, but it does seem a coping mechanism...something he can focus on rather than address the issues at hand.  It does seem there has to be something deeper going on than a normal rut in a relationship.   Does he have a libido at all? (does he look at adult things on the internet, etc)  Could be a medical issue as well, be it depression or another issue.

He doesnt look at any adult things or watch any adult things. And he gets upset,of course like any guy would I guess, when I mention him going to the DR. about getting checked out.

grab01

Regarding having his own dog, wasn't Sinder to be his?

kle1986

If I leave Samantha is going with me. He couldnt take care of her on his own. Not with his work schedule. Besides I am not one to be able to walk away without my child.

I wasn't accusing you at all of wanting to ditch her *but* it strikes me that it probably isn't even a thought to either of them what life would be like without you.  Do you have family or a friend near enough where you could just leave for an overnight with little or no 'planning' and let them see that life without you isn't flawless?

I know it's hard to do, just stay open to the possibility that maybe there is something you are/aren't doing that is really bothering JJ, and instead of confronting you about it, he may think he's "being nice" by just biting his tongue and withdrawing from you instead. You have every right to be frustrated, just remember - it takes 2 to tango and all that, and it's very possible that his behavior isn't the only thing that's causing problems in the relationship! (Of course, he'd need to actually tell you about how he's feeling for you to be able to do anything to make things better for him, and it sounds like he's very reluctant to do so right now. But it's still something to think about.)

Just remember he's not "the bad guy," and you're not "the innocent victim" (at least, that's sometimes how I fantasize BF and me in my head when BF and I are fighting! I'm the damsel in distress, and he's a big mean dragon who never puts his clothes in the hamper. ). If there are problems, they are problems with the relationship, which usually means both parties are contributing to the trouble, whether they mean to or not. It's hard to make any progress in getting your partner to accept his mistakes unless you're also willing to accept your own.

(Not saying that you're not, just I know for me it's hard to remember to keep an open mind, so reminders never hurt...)

The hardest thing I've ever done was examine myself.  I've been working through a lot of stuff in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics and have a lot better understanding of why I behave in certain ways.  If I'm being a nagging witch, it's no wonder boyfriend shuts down, doesn't want to be around.  It is very difficult to see our own negative behaviors.  I agree with what Cita said.  It's not all him, it's both of you.

You mentioned you grew up without a dad, so you are accustomed to the abandoning behavior.  You are as likely to pick another guy who does the same thing - your dad left, but your husband abandons you via the computer.  Didn't you also say previously he is a bit of a momma's boy?  That he listens to her but not you?  Frustrating, I know.

I don't know that you give him enough credit as a parent.  He could take care of Samantha if he had to.  If you became totally incapacitated or (God forbid) died, he would have to.  Samantha says she loves him more, but again, she is 3, she really has no idea what that means when she says it.  Ask him not to encourage her.

Look at the whole picture before you label him as a total jerk and go the divorce route.  All this has been festering, which makes it worse.  Write that letter like Callie suggested.  Try to remember not to accuse and blame him. 

If he won't go to marriage counseling, go for yourself.   Change in you may cause change in him - and it could be better, could be worse.  Lastly, just remember, the geographical cure doesn't work.  You take your baggage with you and repeat the same stuff over and over until you figure out how to fix yourself.  I'm in the BTDT club on this one, so I can tell you from experience that it really doesn't work.  Take care.

This was on MSN today  . . . . .

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=17108224>1=32023

Deb W.

Cita

Just remember he's not "the bad guy," and you're not "the innocent victim" (at least, that's sometimes how I fantasize BF and me in my head when BF and I are fighting! I'm the damsel in distress, and he's a big mean dragon who never puts his clothes in the hamper. ). If there are problems, they are problems with the relationship, which usually means both parties are contributing to the trouble, whether they mean to or not. It's hard to make any progress in getting your partner to accept his mistakes unless you're also willing to accept your own.

(Not saying that you're not, just I know for me it's hard to remember to keep an open mind, so reminders never hurt...)

Cita, that was INCREDIBLY well said! 

 Deb there were some great tips in there!  I really agree with the focussing on the positives more than negatives, and also physical contact especially, but #14 is also great!  I am gonna try that one!

Chuffy

Deb there were some great tips in there! 

Ditto! #4 is so true, everybody should take advantage of that!

Kim, I really hope things work out for you and JJ.

DH and I do #2 (Dream big together) all the time. I think it helps that we've very alike and honestly best friends. We pretty much do everything together and have for over 6 years. Nope, we're not sick of each other, we love being together. But it's being together, not clinging to each other. We just in general enjoy each others company very much. Like I said in another thread (about "Into the Wild";) I'd like to travel away like that and so would DH. We've been dreaming about a long trip (like June-October) just road tripping/camping to different places around the country, meeting people, seeing how people live, just the two of us (and the dogs)....someday...lol.

Kim, as someone who has been with the same man for 32 years, I can tell you that people do change.  Its just physiological.  It happens and we can't control it.  You guys have been together for 6.5 years I believe you said.  The timing is right...you are at that point in your life where innately you are searching for more.  Its perfectly natural...normal.

We got together at a very young age, we've grown up together.  And, I am not the same person I was at 17, and neither is he.  I feel that one of the hardest challenges for people is to adapt to the inevitable changes that occur.

Life together is a roller coaster.  There are ups and downs, and sometimes those downs seem to last way to long; and we do just what you are doing now...contemplating what could be done, what should be done to make it better.

Men can be so much more complacent in life than we women too.  He may just be perfectly content with the current situation.  He may not know what to do about your frustrations.  Men have a hard time processing our frustrations...well alot of them do, I think.

Sometimes, when our life is in a rut, I take the initiative to spice things up.  And, usually he follows.  Take the bedroom for example.  OK, young people turn this off and go to another thread...now.

Perhaps you guys need some toys...something that both of you can enjoy.  Have you ever heard of Dr. Laura Berman?  Take a look at her site and some of her toys.  I'm here to tell you; and I was pleasantly surprised that one of the toys that I bought (for my enjoyment) is also enjoyed by him.    Who'da thunk it.  But, its is spicing things up for us, I'll tell ya.

Its OK to have separate hobbies; its ok to do things separately, you are in fact individuals.  But, relationships are all about individuals coming together and loving life together.  Not every minute of the day; but the big picture.

Having said all that.  What exactly would you do if you did leave?  Where would you go? How would you live? I hope that it doesn't come to that; but you will need a plan.

I hope that you can take the ball and run with trying to open him up.  Yes, stroke his ego lots...non chalantly.  My husband says that all the time.   "Oh, you are just trying to stroke me, aren't you?"  I just give him a wink and keep on going.

I agree with Calinasmom....build that shed, a nice house for his bike.  Make it a project; tell him you know how much he would enjoy it...I'll just bet he will brighten up.

{{{hugs}}}

 If I read the OP right (which I hope I did, as my response is not going to make much sense otherwise). it seems that he is working overnight?

I am curious if this pattern of behavior coincided with taking on those work hours. 

I worked midnights for almost 2 years at a job that really didn't cause much brain drain, and it just about killed me.  I was tired on a deeper level than I have ever been working more normal hours.  I could sleep and sleep (when I was fortunate enough to sleep) and not be rested, even on my days off.  In addition, I was battling what we thought was depression, but ended up being bi-polar disorder (and therefore medicating it incorrectly).  My responce was to withdraw from a lot of things--my relationships, my horse, my household chores, my husband, etc.  My life was Sally, the computer, eating, work, and sleep.  I think it was my brain's way of dealing with things--Sally was a big priority as she was with me a lot and I felt like she really needed me, the computer was an escape for my mind, I ate because I was ALWAYS hungry on midnights and work was a necessary evil.  The rest of my life, I figured, could carry on without me--DH could take care of himself and the house, the horse was boarded and being cared for, my parents and friends could live without seeing me, etc.

I honestly, have very few memories of the time I spent working that shift that don't involve Sally or working, and very few positive ones involving DH.  Our relationship was in serious trouble at the time--no sex, no closeness, no couples activities--I withdrew from all of it.  There were times when I was heading to work that I just wanted to hop on the interstate and drive until I couldn't drive anymore, but I would not do that as it would mean leaving the dog behind.  And no, I had no interest in discussing it with my husband.

Now, I can't blame my behavior on the shift itself--my body just did not respond well.  Add to that the fact that that I was dealing with bi-polar and not realizing it (symtoms can be brought and and made worse by lack of sleep), and I was a walking disaster.  I'm amazed sometimes that DH stuck around.

I'm not saying that there is not a major relationship issue here, but sometimes it can go deeper than just a marriage problem--it can be a mental/physiological issue as well.