I dont know what to do anymore(kle1986)

Kim, please read Ann's advice again.  I'm another old broad and I see so many young women who feel trapped in bad relationships and I just want to weep in frustration.  Don't let fear of the unknown keep you from taking charge of your own life.  Be strong. 

I'm sorry too Kim. I'd still recommend getting some counseling for yourself. You need to be able to work thru some of the emotions and figure out what to do next and they can help you with that.

I suppose like most men, he's not inclined to see a doctor.  But honestly, for someone his age to just "never feel like it" isn't normal. I have to wonder if "I never feel like it" could be a cover up for "something's wrong and I'm afraid to find out what it is." It could be something as simple as low testosterone levels ... something that could easily be corrected.

Joyce

I agree w/ Joyce, he's to young to use the "I never feel like it" cop-out.  Either he's having a medical issue or he's getting it elsewhere.

You can't fix him, you can only fix you and like I and others said, try counseling for yourself.  It might help you from repeating the same things over and over.

sharismom

I agree w/ Joyce, he's to young to use the "I never feel like it" cop-out.  Either he's having a medical issue or he's getting it elsewhere.

One of the symptoms of depression is lessening of interest in sex. It mightn't be a medical Viagra solved issue or that he's cheating...it could be he is DEPRESSED and honestly...truly DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT.

Yes he needs to see someone for that...but it is DIFFICULT esp for depressed men to seek help. You cannot make them..no...which leads back to Kim getting some counseling for herself...and worrying about herself and trying in small ways to mend things with the man of the house if she is so inclined.

I agree with those suggesting you look into helping yourself process your feelings with a counsellor Kim. I am not sure what to tell you about your marriage and man...but just be there and be sure he knows you are willing to listen, and you are okay with him maybe feeling sad or not strong...that is part of being human. Men sometimes think they need to be superheroes and never feel weak or overwhelmed by life in general..

rwbeagles

sharismom

I agree w/ Joyce, he's to young to use the "I never feel like it" cop-out.  Either he's having a medical issue or he's getting it elsewhere.

One of the symptoms of depression is lessening of interest in sex. It mightn't be a medical Viagra solved issue or that he's cheating...it could be he is DEPRESSED and honestly...truly DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT.

Gina, your wisdom is sage and carefully stated, as usual.  What you said makes sense.

To clarify, I think depression qualifies as a medical issue.  It cannot always be overcome w/out seeing a doctor.  Yes, it is emotional, but there are medical treatments for it.  I am in on-going treatment for chronic depression, so I take my little happy pill every morning, and work on the emotional stuff to boot.

Kim, I hope you can find some answers that are right for you & your situation, regardless of what anybody else thinks.

I agree with Gina, it's totally possible.  My DH is probably about JJ's age and he has some issues with anxiety b/c of how much he worries about his neurological condition, and the medication he takes for said condition can effect libido.

Honestly it sounds like you are both stuck in a rut.  Something that can be worked out, but maybe not without help and definitely not without BOTH people committing to making a change and putting more effort into the relationship.  It seems like your frustration is more over the fact that JJ does't seem to think anything is wrong? 

I think it's a little out of place for people to be suggesting that you leave JJ or that he's cheating on you when we don't even know you or him.

Liesje

I think it's a little out of place for people to be suggesting that you leave JJ or that he's cheating on you when we don't even know you or him.

very much agree here...and, as always we have one side of things. Take some of the emotions, and things you've brought up, from this forum topic Kim,...and put it into a talk with the actual person involved...I think that'd do the most good. IMO.

sharismom

To clarify, I think depression qualifies as a medical issue.  It cannot always be overcome w/out seeing a doctor.  Yes, it is emotional, but there are medical treatments for it. 

agreed. I do understand completely that drug therapy is a real, important aspect of many people's journey out of depression. It wasn't a part of my journey, but I applaud anyone who gets the help they need and deserve...regardless of what sort.

rwbeagles

Take some of the emotions, and things you've brought up, from this forum topic Kim,...and put it into a talk with the actual person involved...I think that'd do the most good. IMO.

I agree BUT... she just said that he doesn't feel there is a problem, refuses to see a doctor and basically, for whatever reason, is saying there is no problem as far as he's concerned. She tried to get him to talk.  It's awfully hard to have a dialog when one side of the equation isn't participating. I agree that depression can be responsible for his behavior but if he refuses to acknowledge the problem, their is no way for her to solve it.  I don't think it's possible to force people to change.  Not real change.  That comes from inside a person.  If JJ isn't interested in being part of any talk about the problems, why should Kim feel that somehow she failed to make the effort?  I agree that counseling will help Kim but not to figure a way to get JJ on board but as a way to figure out what she wants out of life and what steps she can take to get there.

This is such a pattern with so many women and it goes back to the whole myth that we women must be the ones to make a relationship work, we must cajole, seduce and figure out how to make our man happy.  Hogwash.   Men are as responsible for making a relationship happy as  a woman is and putting so much emphasis on how a woman can make it work is just feeding into that old myth.  JMHO. 

kle1986

He thinks everything is perfectly fine. Dont have any complaints. So he says. Cant get anything else out of him.

What a load of codswallop.  Anne got one thing DEAD right IMO - you can't always listen to what they SAY, because frankly they will say anything to shut you up. Not because he doesn't love you or doesn't care, but because it's easier to rub along as you are, rather than face any issues and resolve them.

kle1986

Oh and as for the intimate stuff he just dont feel like it. Ever.

My guess is he's either cheating, ill or massively depressed.  Are you both on speaking terms with his mother?  If anyone can get him to go see a doc, she might be able to..... a lifetime of doing what mum says can be a hard habit to break.

Like Anne, I'm really old too and have learned a lot about long term relationships. First off, they are constantly changing. You never end up with the person you first fell in love with.  Nor would you want to.  It would be impossible to have a fulfilling life with someone who was perpetually 25yrs old. We all mature through out our lives. We take on different priorities, different interests, different attitudes, different roles etc.

Change is never easy. We can easily become disconnected as we transition into different phases our our lives. It is a very personal journey that can temporarily shut our partners out. I have been there and so has my DH, more than once. The good news is, that once YOU are comfortable in your new skin, you are able to share yourself again. Believe me, this will repeat itself many times over a lifetime - for both of you. The challenge is too fall in love with the people they become.

I hope this is just a transition time for JJ and I hope whatever changes he is going through will resolve themselves shortly and you can fall in love all over again. You have only my best wishes for a long and happy life together. 

PS: I would never try to advise you. I don't know you and I don't know JJ. It would be wrong to try and persuade you one way or another and to be honest you would be unwise to accept advise for such an important and personal issue from strangers. Talk with someone who knows you well or a professional.