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 xxxxx

spiritdogs

Have you ever thought about the other guy's wife??????  It is never OK to do that to another woman.  It's selfish, immature, and immoral.  If you don't want your hubby any more, divorce him.  But, don't snatch someone else's husband just because you can.  Think what that would feel like if you were her.  Maybe I'm old fashioned, but, frankly, this crap makes me sick.  No guy is worth becoming a *** for, and that's what you become if you sleep with other peoples' husbands. 

Excellent point, Anne.  That's something people don't really think much about in these situations ... the other spouse and the kids, if there are any.  Of course you're going to find other people attractive.  Getting married doesn't mean you've died or gone blind. The thing is, you don't have to act on those attractions.  Think of it like walking past a high end department store and seeing an outfit in the window with a price tag equal to about six months of your mortgage payments.  You might really love that outfit, you picture yourself in it, you might even dream about wearing it.  But ... you're not gonna just run in there and buy it ... and eventually you'll forget about it.

Joyce

Anne makes a very good point and Joyce, love the analogy.

To be honest, my ex left his wife for me because I got pregnant.  That was 21 years ago.  It's been 11 years since our divorce and I still felt like crap because I engaged in the affair to begin with.  I wrote a letter of apology to her about a month ago, just said I was wrong, didn't understand the devastation an affair caused (back then), and was very sorry for hurting her.  I asked her to consider forgiving me, but did not know what would happen.  She wrote back to me, said all had been forgiven years ago, and that she hoped my son and I were well.  It was a huge relief - it could've gone either way and frankly, I'd have deserved the lumps.

I don't care how bad my sister's marriage may or may not have been.  I still want to spit on my ex BIL and his girlfriend - not because they found love in eachother, but for the way they behaved while he was still married to my sister.

I'm curious how the counselor's advice has been different than what was posted here.  Not specifics, of course, but what they see/say that is different.

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Luvntzus

Spiritdogs- I should have mentioned that the other guy's wife wants a divorce and has a move out date (because of school).

Are you sure she does or is he just telling you this? 

I'm glad this thread has given you a lot to think about and I think you're right in telling him no contact unless you both are separated (and that neither party is misleading the other on this one).

I also want to say that I'm glad you are thinking about counseling with your husband before you throw in the towel.  If he was willing to forgive 2 previous indiscretions, he might be very open to counseling.  It still may not help, but at least you know you both tried.

none

 I had a fling with a guy just a touch younger than me once.  I mean, it was only a couple of years difference, but the younger you are, the larger the gap seems.  Well, I was HELLISHLY atracted to him.  He was gorgeous.  Long, soft, floppy.... hair..... lean body, a kinda boyish face with just enough facial hair, a cheeky grin, a real saucy glint in his eye.... *thud*

I knew he wasn't right for me on a long term basis.  Not just the age thing, but the more we talked, the more time we spent together, the more I realised we were almost planets apart.  He might have been younger than me in years, but in terms of experience and confidence I was definitely his junior.  He was.... how can I put this delicately?  He was kinky.  Very passionate. 

I thought I would feel clumsy and inexperienced with him, but I didn't, and do you know why?  Do you know WHY ladies flocked to him wherever he went?  It wasn't that passion.... it was something else.  He had a knack of putting you at your ease.  Chat with him for 30 seconds and you would feel that you'd known him for years  He could draw you in.  We got very drunk one night and we were slumped on a bench looking at the stars and flirting abominably and we started talking about relationships.  He said... "Do you know what I think is the most important thing in a relationship?"  I thought for a minute, thinking he was bound to be thinking of, oh I don't know... confidence, sex, trust, humour, communication....  Nope. 

"Everybody has gotta feel comfortable."

Honestly, I would never have expected that... for the "type" of person he was, I was expected a joke answer, you know, "a woman with..." or "some one who can..." or "s/he being willing to...."  The answer I got would have been more expected from a.... well, from someone who was a bit more serious, committed, mature.... dare I say, boring?

"Everybody has gotta feel comfortable."  You know what, in the few intervening years between then and now, that has only got to be proved more true in my eyes.   All that other stuff that they say is so important for relationships to flourish relies on that ONE thing.  DON'T lament that you feel comfortable with your husband.  Celebrate it!  Passion that comes from "fear" - the unknown, the new, the exciting - that is the passion that flares and dies.  Passion that comes from being comfortable is passion that has no expiry date.

Passion and comfort are NOT mutually exclusive.  And passion does not equal love.  Passion is often likened to fire.... well there's the kind of fire that burns bright and hot, but not for very long, and then there is the smouldering fire that lasts AGES, sometimes it's hidden by a layer of ash or something but it stays hot and it keeps burning.  It does sound like the ex was the bright and hot but not very long sort, to be  hoonest.... the "on and off" bears this out

I think you can find what you want to look for with your husband if you want to.  The question is: Do you want to?

Chuffy

DON'T lament that you feel comfortable with your husband.  Celebrate it!  Passion that comes from "fear" - the unknown, the new, the exciting - that is the passion that flares and dies.  Passion that comes from being comfortable is passion that has no expiry date.

Chuffy - I couldn't agree more. I think that so many people think that this feeling of being comfortable in a relationship translates to boring, but it doesn't have too. For me it means sitting together with my husband and not feeling like we have to say anything. It can mean being near him while I read a book and he watches the history channel. I love feeling like that. Prior to meeting DH I too had a very passionate relationship. Unfortunately, passion doesn't pay bills (he was deeply in debt), it doesn't make living with an alcoholic easier, it doesn't replace responsibility, it doesn't replace many of the things that are necessary to be comfortable. I realized I couldn't live that way and am thankful that I found someone that I'm really comfortable with

none

As many others have said, passion isn't everything, it's nice to have your heart skip a beat, it's nice to feel heat, but it's not everything. Your husband sounds like a great guy, I love intimacy, I love sex, but to find a man that loves me and treats me as your husband does, would be great. Been on both sides, burnt the tee. When your married, your bombarded by real life, you have bills, jobs, responsibilities, it's hard at times, a new love, lover, is fresh, you may think the passion will never end, and it may not, but it sure will wane, especially if you want anything long term. I've been married twice, the first time, I cheated, I was treated horrendously, I had no idea how badly until I got out, but I cheated, it gave me the strength to leave, by no means was my behavior correct, I was sick with depression, I wanted out...Didn't know it.... Really think about this, not only for your husband but for YOU, cause, you may not know what you have until it's too late. As someone else said, make sure this man is telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, he may say he wants out of his marriage, if this is the case have him leave NOW, NOW..... I believe (there are other circumstances) if he leaves his wife for you, then he will leave you....He should leave for himself if he's unhappy. I too, was married to a man, that was never happy in a marriage (I'm referring to another posters post, uhm, yeah, makes sense to me). He painted his wife out to be evil, nothing but a witch, "I didn't love her, I married her because, insert line here ), he had left his previous wife for her....). I was blamed for EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING., he was a drunk, but if I had a drink, it was me who was a drunk, he told me everything about his last ex.....I thought wow, this poor man she was horrendous, how could he live this way, he's wonderful, God's gift to women... He would tell me how great she was, how awesome even how great she was in bed, I wanted to vomit, it took me three years after our divorce (I'm a slow learned) to go "Hmmm, I wonder if he did the same to her" I was always jealous, of her, now I wonder, I really wonder if he painted me out to others as he painted her. I think he played women against women too. He went on to the next mark, I mean, woman, then I was awful to her, well, he told her I was. My behavior reflected this I guess cause I was so.....Confused I was being told one thing, and actions said another. My point, yes what was my point.....Oh, Life can seem greener on the other side, it's easy to tell a person one thing, they may mean it at the TIME, but what about later on, past is the past, but take a look at the persons past relationships, is it the same song and dance. Again, it sounds like you have a great man, weigh all consequences, passion isn't everything, you can make life exciting, different.....In the end, IMO, it's the little things that matter, what people take for granted, reading the newspaper with someone, not talking, that used to be "oh I'm so sorry for them" now I'm' like, wow....They're content.

Wow, Liilith, were you one of my ex's other ex's?  I think we married the same guy...LOL.

This is why I can sound harsh, I care about any woman that starts thinking the grass maybe better on the other side. Or women that meet the one (men too) and they have no faults, easy in the beginning of the relationship but sometimes (as I just mentioned in my jealous dog thread) we know in our hearts. Again, past is the past, but I truly believe there are elements that we all need to investigate, if something doesn't seem right, it's probably not, I'm not saying, hey what did he do with her/him, where did they go, but any type of consistency in behavior. Wait, yes I read your posting. I sincerely believe men (and women) like this are sociopaths, not of criminal intent, but I would wager if they thought they could get away with it. No guilt, no real care to what the other person is feeling, placing putting the blame on someone else without a care in the world to how it affects anyone, lies, lies and more lies. It's like, your out with the morning trash, next.....Then you become the witch. I shudder. I would LOVE, LOVE to be able to find his ex wife, love it, I would love to be able to write her and say hey, I don't think the problem was "Us" I think idiot painted us both the same way" sadly, actually I think we probably would have gotten along, at least a meeting of the minds. While knowing I'm not the only one that he did, and treated like this, it would be nice sitting down and talking to his ex, just to ease....help....I don't know if he cheated on me, but I really wouldn't put it past him. hind site is always 20/20. Then again, you took a chance on opening the door, I would be scared. Maybe she isn't at the same point I am, or she dealt with it, then again (I'm on a roll) I think when you've been "beat" so badly, you need some type of closure, rather understanding. That's concludes this novel. OP, your young, your pretty, this man may love you, he may want to be with you, but please, please look at the whole package, lust, spiritual connections are hard to break, only YOU know what's right for YOU, but please think it through, listen, listen, listen to your heart, maybe the inside voice.....Cause the heart can be confused with lust, romance.... Again, many of us would adore a man, that sounds like your husband, have someone build you up, support you;p-) Regardless of what any one thinks, it's your life, but please, please think it through.

you're completely right about the patterns

This may be the most important realization you ever make:-))  And, to be honest, until you finally do figure out the nature of the pattern and how to deal with it, it's probably better not to make any major life changing decisions.

 

I am on the other side of the fence.  I am waaay more into sex than DH. We have had our issues, but neither of us has EVER strayed.  Thought about it?  Sure.  Done it? NEVER.

My attitude is this: I have been with DH for thirty years.  He still makes my heart skip several beats.  No, he's not perfect, but he treats me well, doens't cheat, doesn't drink away his paycheck, gamble or anything else in the way of vices. I love him dearly.

That being said, I have been tempted more than once by some goorrgeous men. Some have offered and I have always declined, no matter how hard it was at the time. We BOTH look, but neither of us goes any firther than that.  If that ever changes (for either of us) we will have to sit down and discuss what will be done in the future.