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Luvntzus

Bullymom- I'm going to watch the movie you mentioned!

Please do!  You and your hubby should sit down and watch it together.  The movie has a lot of meaning behind it.  After watching it, Dh and sat and talked literally for hours.  We haven't done that in years.  I must warn you though, you will need a box of tissues!  I bawled my eyes out several times!  I have learned that women are so much different than men!  Dh and I are as different as night and day!!  He is 29 years old and I am 23.  We got married when I was 16 because we were in love and love knows no boundries.  You have to work to keep the "spark" going.  Some days I could just choke his eyeballs out and others, I cannot stand to be away from him!  Now, the first 2 years of marriage were the roughest for us.  I could not stand the fact that he was such a momma's boy and he couldn't stand my sarcastic personality.  We almost divorced when I was pregnant because we let everything get to us and we never sat down and calmly talked out our issues.  Now, we still have our battles but we wouldn't trade each other for the world.  Marriage is hard and it's even harder when you feel like you do.  I mean, sometimes, Dh and I can be in the same room but it seems like we are worlds apart.  I have been dealing with post partum depression since Maddy was born and that takes it's toll on our marriage and we've had to work harder but with the Lord's help, we are still going strong!

Luvntzus

Bullymom- I'm going to watch the movie you mentioned!

I definitely 2nd the recommendation to watch Fireproof. It's a little slow, so be prepared. Every time there was a pause in the movie, DH announced "the end!" and laughed. The message was awesome though.

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 Sorry, had to delete...

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If your counselor is giving you advice, telling you what to do, you might want to find a new one.  Counselors are supposed to let you find your own solutions and be objective. 

Nobody, not your friends, counselors, or anybody can tell you what to feel and how to live your life.  If you have strayed before, you might want to examine why.  I've BTDT.  If you only stay to avoid hurting your husband's feelings, that's not love, that's pity.

Have you thought about couple's counseling?  It might help, though in my situation, my husband wanted the counselors to fix me, as if everything that was wrong was my fault...NOT!

Obviously you have a lot of issues to weigh out - I wish you the best.

 Passion is definitely something that has to be worked at - and as was said above, if we all behaved forever like we did in those first few months with someone, we'd never get anything done LOL.  Yes, my DH still makes my heart flutter, but the cause of those flutters has changed in the years we've been together.  It went from how unbelievably fanciable I found (still find) him to how much he deserves my attention and affection because of the person he is. 

Here is where I break away from the mold a little....

I don't think it serves any useful purpose for any married person to deny to themselves that they are attracted to other people.  My DH is not by a long shot the only person I find myself attracted to in a basic, physical way.  He knows this, and I know it's true for him too.  It's a little like being on a diet - deny yourself even the thought of chocolate cake and eventually that craving will break free and you'll eat 4 slices of it.  Allow yourself to think "hmm, yeah, I love chocolate cake but eating it really doesn't fit in with my goals for myself" and the craving is a lot easier to manage.  The thing is, I don't ever want to lose those fleeting attractions to other people - because THAT is the time when I will stop being attracted to my DH - the ability to feel that sensation is important, and it's foolish to think that only one person on the planet will ever stir it in you.  Monogamy is something that is achieved by feeling your significant other is the only person who deserves you acting on those feelings.  

No one is perfect, and one of the things you need to ask yourself is what you'd trade for passion.  Sure, this other guy might get your fire roaring, but he has flaws too, and the exchange might not be worth it.  I'd personally rather stay with someone I wasn't totally passionate about, than someone who forgot my birthday, or didn't understand my mood swings, or who hated dogs, or...or...or...

Think carefully.  If you are truly unhappy in your relationship, there are various ways that problem can be addressed - leading of course to the most final of ways.  But that decision should be made on the basis of your relationship alone, not an outside influence.

Benedict

  But that decision should be made on the basis of your relationship alone, not an outside influence.

Good point.

Would you leave your DH if this other guy were never in the picture?

 I'm with Benedict.  I have my own issues and feelings but my BF and I both look at other people and that is fine and good.  It means there are still sparks but unfortunately, his sparks are brighter than mine!  lol...

I think the true test is if you would leave your husband if this other guy wasn't in the picture?  My friend is going through this right now and she has decided to leave her husband.  But I felt they were not a good match from the moment she told me she was getting married to him.  I didn't know him personally but from what she told me or didn't tell me, I didn't think it was a good match for her.  I still supported her and I'm supporting her decision now to leave even though I may not like how it is happening, I still think it's a good choice for *her*.

First a bit of humor...

I just remind myself what an absolute PITA it is to train men the way I like them. I mean who wants to start over with all that? LOL.

It'd be like trading in your bomb proof horse for some bucking bronco. SURE it'd be exciting at first but how many broken bones, and bruises would you take before the new horse was as reliable as the old, and the darn thing might even run off entirely!

No thanks...I will take a steady reliable mount (pun intended) with occasion fire and brimstone, and good amount of giddy up when called for, over some untamed steed of the Nazgul anyday.

Now on a more serious note,

To the OP...women make patterns for themselves...is that what you are doing? Make sure you know WHY you make the choices you do with men/relationships in life in general...do you pick ones that you CAN leave later...on purpose? Do you choose men that are leavable? Why might that be? Are you following some model past issues have left for you? Is that a model you WANT? Just questions to ask yourself in your private thoughts as you work this out.

Many, MANY women seem to do their darndest to avoid being happy long term just because they are so used to drama they think that is the measure for "living life"....I know because that is how I am...I say AM not WAS because like any addiction...addiction to drama never fully goes away and I still catch myself being a youknowwhat for no other reason that TO argue or cause drama...and my dh knows it and I know it...and we work on that daily.

Good luck to you....and remember that while talking to others is helpful...so is talking to the person who is actually in this thing with you.

I feel too young to post in this thread, but I have been with FH for 6 1/2 years so I'll go ahead anyway.

The passion comes and goes in our relationship. He is my absolute best friend. I have never trusted anyone or felt so comfortable around anyone like I do with him. I still think he is gorgeous. A couple of years ago, we took a month long trip to Australia, that trip seemed to rekindle a lot of passion for us. Being soooo far away from home, having a blast each and every day exploring the new country, the routine was broken. That was definately one of the best times of our lives.

One more thought: what happens when the "honeymoon" period is over with the new guy?  Do you move on again?  How many times do you want to move on?  How many guys are "The One"?

My ex-husband was never satisfied in the marriage he was in, cheated like a fiend, and when he'd finally move on, he already had somebody else waiting in the wings.  I know, I was #3, thought I was "The One".  Guess what?  He cheated on me the entire time, and remarried 6 months after our divorce.  He always went into relationships with the opinion he could just leave and when the "honeymoon" period was over, off he went.  I did the "get even" affair on him one time, which was nothing more than sex, and even though it felt good at the moment, it was not a pattern I wish to repeat (or have repeated).  It's too scary out there.

Like Kate, I too follow a different path. And her summarization is perfect. I find nothing wrong with acknowledging an attraction or even some basic everyday flirting. Acting on it though opens a really large can of worms, it has the tendency to cause a ripple effect. And that is very hard to stop and touches so many people.

You need to figure out what is going on with yourself. You said you were taking medication and it lowered your passion for your husband, but you still found other's attractive? uh uh, it's not the medication. You can cross that off your list, right up there with "he feels about his wife, like I feel about my husband" those are very weak attempts at justification.

 Liesje's question is a very good one. You also need to ask yourself what the real attraction is. Are you attracted to him physically or is it more of a "feel good" attraction. Are you taking some old feelings, and making them bigger and better than they ever were to pump your self esteem up?

Marriage is not about non stop passion, it turns with the seasons and the years just like everything else. My husband is on my last nerve this week and as much as I want to pack up and throw my hands up in surrender I will not do it, because I made a vow and a promise, not only to him, but to myself and I love my husband, may not like him very much at the moment, but I do love him.

 Marriage is a constant work in progress, yes WORK. A good marriage needs alot of it, with no whining, (OK a little whining is allowed), no where in the vows did it say never ending passion or rose gardens and that you would never have to make tuff choices, in fact it warns you that there are going to be steep hills ahead and you had better be prepared to tackle them together.

I wish you the best in finding a solution and happy ending for all.

Honestly one of the key things here is that luvntzus is on a libido inhibiting medication.  So it's like you don't have a CHANCE with your husband.  Then your past history and your excitement with this other man kick in *over* that. 

In my first marriage I was always the one who was accused of being "over-sexed" -- I wanted passion, and he simply was only turned on outside of our relationship.  He was unfaithful, I wasn't.  When David and I were first together and first married it was pretty flaming hot for many years.  But as life gets busier, both of us have far more demanding jobs (both physically and mentally) it's more difficult and requires "planning" (and that's a real spice-killer)

I honestly think the question put to you above -- how would you feel if this "other" person wasn't in the equation -- that's probably the question you have to answer first.  Because if you're taking libido quenching meds, then I think you'd find that once you were in a day to day, the-car-died-AGAIN?? real-life pressures situation with this other fella, you'd find really FAST that passion would die again.

 My point is this -- "passion" isn't love.  And it's very influenced by things chemical, emotional, physical, and even the time of the year.  And you will find it diminishes into OBLIVION at certain times of your life just because of hormonal changes.  Even if you're Ms. Hottie married to Mr. Hottie ... passion is transitory. 

This is where "romance" is far more important in the long run.  And we've had "romance" threads on here as well and even THAT is more important to some than others.  Passion and sex have their place.  Romance lasts if you try to make it and often it can be really difficult to differentiate between the two.  Passion doesn't last like romance does.  And if you're taking meds that suppress your own physical response, your head may be leading you down a path that will quickly become lost.

Sometimes it's because we really aren't happy.  Sometimes it's because we want what we can't or don't have.  Sometimes we just plain have to fix our "wanter" in order to achieve happiness.  Sometimes we have to realize we've made a mistake or try to keep from making more mistakes.

Luvntzus

2shelties

 ...we've been together for 3 years now and I would never dream of cheating on him...I also trust him completely. We had an intense physical and emotional connection from day one that really hasn't diminished at all. Sure, all the problems of life happen, and we certainly have issues, but that spark sure helps the other problems seem less significant.

That's the kind of thing that I was thinking of. I was more attracted to my husband in the beginning, but not as much as with the other guy. It's the same with the other guy and his wife. We have a strong attraction for each other (in every sense) that we've never had with anyone else. There's just "something" really special there. The problem is, now I would have to break my husband's heart and completely give up being with him forever, start from square one and possibly regret it forever. It's a HUGE gamble whether to take my chances or stay where I'm at.

Have you ever thought about the other guy's wife??????  It is never OK to do that to another woman.  It's selfish, immature, and immoral.  If you don't want your hubby any more, divorce him.  But, don't snatch someone else's husband just because you can.  Think what that would feel like if you were her.  Maybe I'm old fashioned, but, frankly, this crap makes me sick.  No guy is worth becoming a *** for, and that's what you become if you sleep with other peoples' husbands.