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Luvntzus

So I guess my big question is, am I being crazy for thinking about leaving?

Yes and no. I think that it's completely normal to go thru ups and downs in a marriage and reconnecting with this person from your past is raising lots of "what ifs" in your mind. I truly understand and have been in a similar situation.  I'd only suggest that you be very careful and think long and hard about what this would mean. I may sound preachy, but regardless of the lack of passion, you made a commitment when you got married. Not a commitment to stick around only as long as the flame burned bright but to stick around forever. You also might be remembering things from the past in a very favorable light because you can't remember any of the negatives. On the other hand, things might've been more fun, more passionate, more whatever with the previous guy, but now you have a husband and your heart belongs to him. Leaving him will break his heart and in the end, you may find that what you had with the other guy doesn't exist any more. This may sound harsh, but I'd suggest cutting off all contact. For one, it's not fair to your husband, but more importantly, you're tempting fate and it will only add to any confusion and less-than-wonderful feelings you have about your marriage. Sorry for the preachy sound of this all but I went thru some really tough times in my first marriage and learned some hard lessons.

I know how you feel. One thing to remember, though, is that the day-to-day life of being married seems to be and is sometimes routine. You go to work, have a house to take care of, bills to pay, etc., etc. It's not sexy to talk about the car payment or taking out the garbage or whatever. Someone new comes along and you don't have that routine so the new guy seems better, more passionate, more fun. But the new guy will eventually become the routine guy. It seems your husband is a great guy and you call him your best friend. That's a big thing in a marriage. My husband is my best friend and we have rough spots too. But the commitment we made is worth the work. Break the routine. Try to get the passion back. It takes two. Just my opinion.

 I have been on and off ,with the ex now (for good) for 8 yrs. I rationalized it to death, but in the end passion isn't everything. I would kill for someone to worship me!

 I know how you feel!  I have been with my hubby for 8 years, married 7 and I have felt the same way that you are feeling now.  Being in a long relationship can get boring after a while.  It just becomes routine.  My hubby is the same way that yours is.  He thinks I am the best thing ever but I was feeling like you.  Maybe this guy will be "better" but as stated above, the grass always "seems" greener on the other side.  Dh and I butt horns on a regular basis, that's life!  It also seems that sometimes all I am to him is a piece of...  well, you know where I am going with this!  Even though he assures me that it's not like that, I still get it in my head that he only wants me for that.  It's a tough cycle to break once you get into it.  Try to look back and think what was it that attracted you to your hubby?  Another thing that really helped me and Dh was to watch that movie, Fireproof together.  It is a very meaningful, emotional movie.  My dad and stepmom were on the brink of divorce and they sat down and watched that movie and it turned their marriage around.  They remind me so much of when they first got married and that was 15 years ago!

Passion is just like a tide, it comes and goes in a relationship and isn't static always or at fever pitch all the time.  Very exhausting I would imagine. lol  Friendship is not to be dismissed so easily.  Take your time before you decide to take things further.  Make an effort with your husband and give him a chance.  Right now he's just going along thinking things are fine and you are unhappy and feeling like you are missing out on passion.  Go lingerie shopping with him and you can probably think of some other ways to turn the focus on that part of your relationship.   Your  feelings for this other guy are rooted in your desire to be wanted and found exciting. Nothing wrong with that.  Give your husband a chance to be that guy.

The crux of marriage isn't passion.  Passion, particularly for a woman, needs to be nourished and made special. 

Certain things can be a catalyst for passion -- one of those *things* is "forbidden fruit".  (the grass is always greener, etc.)  One of the big reasons is that worry, routine, the day to day-ness of life KILLS passion.  And one of the things that causes passion to flare is stepping away from that routine, day to day-ness of life.  HENCE you are attracted to this "one who got away". 

Frankly, you're attracted more to the fact that he's not your spouse than anything else.  "misunderstanding" or whatever -- there were reasons why the relationship didn't last before.  He  was apparently not busting down your door to make up??

Now you're both bored -- and you each look pretty good (there is something  about trying to recapture something that can seem irresistible).

But it's transitory.  It didn't last before, and it won't again.  And quite honestly -- if you DID get together with this guy neither one of you would ever be able to trust the other one because you're both fooling around (at least emotionally) on your own spouses. 

It's understandable -- but it's frankly dumb.  The first thing you have to do is decide that what you're doing is wrong.  it breaks the vows you made to your husband.  It breaks that promise you made to yourself.  Then just plain walk away.

My first marriage ended not because it was passionless (it was).  Not because I didn't love him (I did, but he killed that).  My first marriage ended because he was unfaithful to me many times.  Some physically -- but he had many "affairs" online, on the phone ... whatever.  Betrayal is betrayal. 

If you got together with this other guy it wouldn't last -- because you're both bored now.  There is NO such thing as "magic forever".  Any sort of magic takes a lot of work.  It takes working thru bad, good and boring. 

You may need some counseling -- not that you are wrong or lacking -- but simply to identify those areas that need help and HOW to do that and not lose yourself.

Part of it is to go back to those early days with your husband and figure out what changed.  What happened?   What cooled your ardor? 

The final thought I'd leave you with is to do some good strong thinking on your own.  Think back over the last  5-10 years.  How many things were you absolutely convinced you HAD to have .. you wanted it, you forged ahead even when other people may have advised you against it -- and ironically -- it turned out BAD. 

Sometimes the biggest favor we can do ourselves is to remind ourselves how prone we are to making mistakes.

You may also want to have a physical -- because sometimes lacking passion may simply be depression in disguise.  And the only reason this other guy looks so good is because he motivates you.  Because he's "different" and he's removed from your reality.

Great advice from everybody.  When you stop to think about it, if that early, newly married passion didn't die down a bit, you'd really never get anything done. But Callie is absolutely right - have a physical.  If the passion is gone completely, there may be some underlying physical and/or emotional causes.

Joyce

Hubby and I have been together for 10 years.  The passion comes and goes...there have been times I have thought about the grass being greener on the other side, but ultimately, I wouldn't be willing to give up the wonderful relationship I have with him for something that *might* be better....but probably won't in the long run.  Remember, curiosity killed the cat.

 I too agree that you should work on your relationship with your husband.  If this is your main problem, you will most likely regret leaving him for this other man b/c there were other things that went wrong with him once before and the passion will eventually be gone with him too.  Is it really worth giving up what you know you have with your husband for something you may or may not have with this other man?     

calliecritturs

Certain things can be a catalyst for passion -- one of those *things* is "forbidden fruit".  (the grass is always greener, etc.)  One of the big reasons is that worry, routine, the day to day-ness of life KILLS passion.  And one of the things that causes passion to flare is stepping away from that routine, day to day-ness of life. 

This is so true.  And I think that you can create passion in your relationship.  It may not ALWAYS be there but you can have it.  I will go out on a limb here and talk about the forbidden fruit in the way we play with it sometimes.  We do things like go skinny dipping in the backyard and even more back there....the thought of getting caught by the neighbors even though it is our own home.  Maybe roll playing a little or pretending like you are in high school and doing something in your parent's house that you shouldn't be.  And shopping for some lingerie is always a good way to spice things up... 

ETA: The suggestion of a physical is a good one as well.  Years ago I told my Dr about my lack of libido.  He tested me and my testosterone was too low.  He changed my BC pill, gave me a testosterone lotion from a compounding pharmacy and things changed a lot in that department. 

Please think about what you do before you do it. Maybe what you should do is talk to your husband about how you feel maybe you guys need to get away from the routine. I had this same feeling with my husband before and I fixed it by planning a weekend away just the 2 of us with no cell phones only my mom knew were we were at in case of extreme emergency. It was wonderful we went to a secluded cottage in Pigeon Forge TN it had a hot tub a fireplace and all the trimmings. It helped me see how much I truly love him and that the passion in a relationship is like a fire if you don't add new wood to it it goes out. Once again please try talking to him before you make an irreversable mistake that you will regret.

DH and I have only been married for 2 yrs, so you can take this with a grain of salt, but we also have issues in the "passion" dept.  On my part, I'm just not a very passionate, affectionate, or romatic person to begin with.  Also ever since I went on birth control I haven't felt as aroused sexually.  It's weird but I sometimes feel the most horny when I HAVE my period and yeah, ew.  Then, DH has been on medications that have some....side effects.  Even on days when I intend to get things going, by the time we're in bed both of us are so pooped we can barely get out "goodnight" before we're asleep.  This is major reason I do not want to have kids right now.  Already we're working so hard we barely spend time together or are too tired to even care if we go weeks without having sex.  This is something I want to work on before making it even worse!

But, I believe you get what you put in.  We both are aware of everything I've said above, we both know that our marriage isn't as "hot" as some, but at the moment and given the medical conditions, it works.  To me, the worst thing is to start resenting your partner.  I think often couples share the same concerns but no one ever says them out loud.  Having a passionate relationship takes work, it's more than just the initial physical attraction.

none

Are you spending time on Facebook, LOL!!  If you are just stop!!  It messes with your mind to see all these people that you used to know! 

I can add that although I don't have the same passion going on as when we were first together or married even, he is my best friend, someone I can rely on to be there for me, I trust him with my life, he'd do anything for me.  And, it sounds like you have that too, and that's not something to let go.  

And, also as time goes by you'll get into a routine with this new guy and the same thing will probably happen.