Selfish Wedding?

 Which is great if you are either on the same page as the folks paying or if you are laid back and don't mind either way.  But when what YOU want is the polar opposite of what the bill payers want (THEY want a big "do"; we want something small and private) - yup I think that's a problem. 

A wedding is a huge deal.  To get the wedding wrong would leave a bad taste in my mouth.  It would be like starting the marriage on the wrong foot, even though the RELATIONSHIP started way before that.  When you get married, you are not just gaining a husband.  You are gaining a whole new family "officially" - you don't want to start the wrong way with them either.

Concessions have to be made on both sides.  You know, give and take - give (because after all they ARE paying) and take (because it is our wedding).  Compromise is how we all - husbands and wives and in laws and parents and siblings and friends and dogs - get along and live in harmony.  I would expect compromise from all parties - because again, if you DON'T get that compromise, you set a poor precedent. 

Well meaning parents can wreck relationships by interfering too much but thinking that it's OK because they are allowed to, because they are waving money around.  I know people this has happened to and it is not pleasant!  The bride feels she has to have X Y and Z at the wedding because her inlaws are footing the bill and its what they want.  A couple of years later, the MIL is coming round with presents and clothes and all sorts for her young son and thinks that because she is paying so much and contributing so much, its OK to pressure the new mum into potty training or what have you.  It's not a healthy precedent....

ETA - My inlaws have given us SO much money towards various things.  But their attitude has always been - "This money is for your wedding, we think you could do such and such, but the final decision is YOURS - it's your day and your memories so it has to be what YOU want".  It was always a gift to smooth the way, not a pass to tell us what we ought to be doing.

DH's nan gave us our deposit for a house, but she ddn't come round and tell us where we ought to live. 

Honestly, I don't really understand the reasoning behined "whoever foots the bill gets to call all the shots." If I invite someone to lunch for their birthday and ask them where they want to go and they say "Olive Garden" ... that's where we go.  I'd  never say "Oh no,  you absolutely must go to this big new 4 star restaurant that just opened." I can understand if the parents are paying and the couple wants something so outrageously expensive it will cause financial hardship. Otherwise, I think I'd just say "Hey, it's on me.  Do what makes you happy."

Joyce

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Honestly, I don't really understand the reasoning behined "whoever foots the bill gets to call all the shots."

No kidding and if that was the way it was going to be, it'd be all the more reason to either pay for it myself or elope. Maybe it's my age, but I get really uptight when people try to control what I do.

My nieces wedding cost in excess of $80,000. The marriage lasted less than 5 years.  My sisters second wedding, complete with harps and the whole nine yards was $60,000.  Yep, lasted less than 5 years.

My first wedding was "traditional", about 200 guests, blah, blah, blah.  The actual marriage lasted less than five years, it just took almost 10 before all the shouting was over and the darned thing actually buried.

My second wedding was totally our choice.  DH comes from a very Catholic family, I was raised in the Methodist church.  We chose to marry outside in a lovely park, under a gorgeous fountain, had about 20 guests, family and friends who were important to us and had a small reception.  We were married by a minister because that mattered to both of us, and almost 26 years and a ton of serious challenges later, we're still going strong.  And yes, we've renewed our vows as well.

The wedding doesn't really matter.  It's the commitment and the life built together.  But it is YOUR day, so why not have what you really want?  You sure shouldn't have to endure the stress for what someone ELSE wants.  It really should be about YOU TWO.

Compromise with the reception if you must, but the actual wedding should be totally about what YOU want.

When my son was getting married my DH and I said we would give them $20K toward their wedding OR they could take the $20K and run!!!  In my heart I wanted them to take the money and use it to buy a house or begin their saving accounts!  That, IMO, is what a NONE selfish parent does.  Give them what they need to do what they want.

Mom's sometimes especially in big Italian wedding are more concerned with having a big party for their family and friends and not doing what their children want.  I know, I am from a big Italian family.  I would tell my mom, look - we don't want the stress or the attention we want a intimate beautiful wedding without 100's of people.  The problem with this is, where do you cut the line and giving what you have said your mother want HER friends (not yours) so they will be left out.  When I got married the second time we had 75 people at a beautiful New England Bed and Breakfast we had the whole Inn to our selves and guest for 24 hours!!  Cozy with fireplaces (in Maine) this old Inn was the most romantic wedding ever and everyone there said they loved it more than any other wedding they were at in years!  We had it catered by one of our favorite restaurants they food was out of this world.  We didn't hold back on expenses, we did what we wanted and payed top dollar for everything and it still only coast us $10K and that included giving many guests rooms at our expense.  I wore a beautiful gown, we served only top shelf liquor and the guest got to choose from 4 entrées.  I had servers walking around with appetizers and it was a classy beautiful event.  The next day we offered a brunch for all who stayed and then took them all on a catamaran ride - total people we 20.  It was great!

The hardest thing for my mother in law was giving her a number of guest that she could invite which was 20, she struggled because she was afraid family member would feel left out.  The funny thing was it was like this, well if I invite Aunt Louise and not her daughter they may be mad. Or..  Uncle Charlie won't come if I don't invite his son Sam - really???  So be it then.  When all was said and done no one seemed to care if they were or were not invited.  And..  my mother in law threw us a picnic in her back yard 1 month later and invited those she couldn't invite and some she did.

Good luck, the way I see it is that your mother is already making this an unhappy event!  This isn't a family reunion its your wedding!  My son choose the money and got married in St. Kitt - my DH and I and some of there friends flew down and he wifes parents and sisters.  It was really nice and they still had money left for a down payment on a really nice home!  They got what they wanted and I got what I wanted - an opportunity to really help them start a wonderful life!

jenn52

My best friend had a wedding that was planned by everyone but her. She even hated her dress. Now 10 years later, yes they are still married and that is the most important part, but she still is disappointed with her wedding and their pictures and her dress and where it was. She wanted to do throw a 10 yr anniversary party the way she wanted it but at the time they just didnt have the money. So my vote is to get married the way you want. Have your small wedding with just close family and friends. Then come back after the honeymoon or whatever and let your mom and grandma throw another reception for them if they still want it. You could still incorporate things you know your fams would appreciate into your small wedding, but in the end, they are your pictures and memories.

I think that's the best compromise. Plan your wedding the way you want it, (If you have to pay for it yourselves, so be it), and let your family plan and pay for whatever big to-do they want when you're back from your honeymoon and settled in. When we got married we were 27 and 26 years old. I'd been living on my own, supporting myself since I was 18, and we'd been living together for 2 years. We didn't have a lot of money, but because we were already independent, I wasn't going to bow to any pressure about how things "had" to be done.

There are all sorts of rules about how a wedding is supposed to be, but I firmly believe that it's YOUR wedding and you should be able to do it any way you want. People will either come or they won't. They'll either like it or they won't. They'll either have a good time or they won't. So what. It's not for them, it's for you and your fiance. Fortunately, my mom didn't put a lot of pressure on me - when she married my dad they were both 19 years old, and she said her mom planned the whole thing, and there weren't even that many of their own friends there, it was like the wedding was for her parent's friends. That had really bothered her. I think her mom picked her dress too, but they were young and just starting out and didn't have any money, so she felt like she didn't have a choice.

We did have a pretty big wedding, the guest list from my hubby's stepmom's family alone was 30 people. We ended up with about 185 people, but we went low budget on some things so we could splurge in other areas. We rented a lodge in the Oakland hills, got married outdoors, and hired a blues band for the reception because good music was important to us. My mom did the table decorations - baskets of dried flowers, and she also did the flowers for me and the bridesmaids and the guys in the wedding. A friend who played guitar did the music for the ceremony, Tom's aunt make our wedding cake, and his mom and dad, and my dad all pitched in some.

I didn't want anything formal because we're not formal people, we just wanted a big party where everyone had fun, including us, and we did! Years later people would tell us what a great time they had at our wedding. At the end of our time at the lodge we loaded up the keg and brought it back to our house with a bunch of friends, where we partied for a few more hours.
 

Chuffy

 Which is great if you are either on the same page as the folks paying or if you are laid back and don't mind either way.  But when what YOU want is the polar opposite of what the bill payers want (THEY want a big "do"; we want something small and private) - yup I think that's a problem. 

A wedding is a huge deal.  To get the wedding wrong would leave a bad taste in my mouth.  It would be like starting the marriage on the wrong foot, even though the RELATIONSHIP started way before that.  When you get married, you are not just gaining a husband.  You are gaining a whole new family "officially" - you don't want to start the wrong way with them either.

Concessions have to be made on both sides.  You know, give and take - give (because after all they ARE paying) and take (because it is our wedding).  Compromise is how we all - husbands and wives and in laws and parents and siblings and friends and dogs - get along and live in harmony.  I would expect compromise from all parties - because again, if you DON'T get that compromise, you set a poor precedent. 

Well meaning parents can wreck relationships by interfering too much but thinking that it's OK because they are allowed to, because they are waving money around.  I know people this has happened to and it is not pleasant!  The bride feels she has to have X Y and Z at the wedding because her inlaws are footing the bill and its what they want.  A couple of years later, the MIL is coming round with presents and clothes and all sorts for her young son and thinks that because she is paying so much and contributing so much, its OK to pressure the new mum into potty training or what have you.  It's not a healthy precedent....

ETA - My inlaws have given us SO much money towards various things.  But their attitude has always been - "This money is for your wedding, we think you could do such and such, but the final decision is YOURS - it's your day and your memories so it has to be what YOU want".  It was always a gift to smooth the way, not a pass to tell us what we ought to be doing.

DH's nan gave us our deposit for a house, but she ddn't come round and tell us where we ought to live. 

 If the couple is *that* dead set against what the parents want and the parents don't budge, then they should just pay for it themselves.  As I said,  I was just grateful that they were going to pay. 

Also, a house is different.  You are living in it for many, many years.

A wedding is one day, and again, maybe it's just me, but it is not the be all end all.  I have no memory of what we ate, barely remember what the cake looked like, the flowers were all dead a week later, and I've barely looked at my dress since that day, but I remember the family and friends that were gathered there.  I remember the fact that my grandmother, who died several months later, got to see me get married in the church that she gave so much of herself to,  I remember being able to have a lot of family stand up for us, including DH's brother who passed in May.  All the "stuff" surrounding the wedding itself was meaningless--it was our relationship, the promise we made before God, and our loved ones that were everything.

I think that our culture puts *way* too much importance on weddings in general, be they large or small.  It's waht you make of what comes afterwards, not the wedding itself.

I realize that not everyone feels that way though--that's just me. 

My folks have never 'given' me much.  My mother does have a columnar accounting book in which she has kept track of every dime (including Christmas presents) that she ever gave me.  She reminds me regularly of its existence. 

I paid for my own first wedding (I was told that since I waited until I was 30 it was "on me";).  That wedding cost under $300 and we had no honeymoon (my mother, however, put in "her book" what it cost her and Dad to come to Florida FOR the wedding). 

When David and I got married we paid for it.  David's Dad gave us a set of china (not a cheap set "real" Blue Willow) and my folks gave us $500 to put towards a bed. (my mother also again put in 'her book' what it cost them to come to Florida for the wedding)

I think it's apparent from reading 3 pages of this why there are so many opinions -- because we all have different situations, and families are different in what they expect, what they will consider as "help" and ... unforutnately, what the emotional pricetag may be for any of the 'above' help.

I never cease to be astounded when people go into hock for a big diamond wedding ring/engagement ring AND a big wedding -- somehow assuming that a big wedding will get you big gifts and then they start their life as a couple deeply in debt (so they re-finance the house .... and now we're up to date with the mortgage crisis?)

Learning to manage money together is no small task.  And I think a whole lot consistutes 'selfish' vs. 'what will work for us'. 

Probably the fastest, easiest wedding in history was when my DS #1 tied the knot.  He called me at midnight on a Wednesday and said "Heidi and  want to get married on Saturday but her mom is in Reno with her boyfriend.  Can we have the wedding at your house?" And yes, I got a wedding and reception pulled together in 2-1/2 days. First thing ... called the groomer Thursday a.m. and arranged for an emergency bath for a slightly overripe dog. Then  -  on to the grocery store bakery to order a sheet cake and to Michaels for silk flowers and paper plates/napkins. The late DH called a retired traffic court judge to come and perform the ceremony. I told DS he needed to call his friends because we wouldn't be mailing invitations.  Friday we went to the commissary to load up on rolls, meats, cheeses, drinks etc. and I made a huge green salad and a fruit salad. In between we got the house cleaned up and I made decorations for the mantels. The ceremony was at 3:00 p.m., the judge brought her granddaughter who had a great time and as it turned out, all the guys there already knew her  because she had sentenced all of them in traffic court at one time or another. That marriage also lasted five years and it's kind of nice knowing I can do that on such short notice in case I ever decide I need a career as a wedding planner.

Joyce

Blacklabbie, 

I am sure your mom is wonderful, loving and caring and she only wants to treat you like the princess you are to her on your day.  Many mom's dream of the day their daughters get married.. and want to show with a celebration fit for a king.  You can't judge your mother and I hope you can get your mother to see what a wonderful event a small wedding can be too.  I wish you all the best in your wedding and marriage and know what ever way will be fantastic and a day to cherish - after all its the man and the life you live together for the rest of your life that is important!

Best wishes and I hope your mother comes around without feeling hurt.

 Joyce that's just impressive LOL.

BlackLabbie - I haven't read all of the responses, but my best advice is to sit down with the people who matter (your parents, his parents etc) and discuss which aspects of a wedding are really important to them, and WHY those things are so important.  Then discuss which aspects are important to you, and why.  You may find that the sentiments behind a lot of what you all want are the same, and there are just different ways of expressing those.  Hopefully some compromises can be reached. 

sillysally

 If the couple is *that* dead set against what the parents want and the parents don't budge, then they should just pay for it themselves.  As I said,  I was just grateful that they were going to pay. 

If the parents are handing out money to help the kids be happy and have what they want because it's THEIR day, then it'snot even an issue, unless they have some really REALLY expensive wishes.  But if parents are using money as an excuse to control the goings on, then yeah, I think the couple are better off paying for it themselves.  Having an intimate reception and big after-party is a great compromise, I can't imagine it not being well received.  If it wasn't.... then if it were me I'd pay for the whole do myself.

sillysally

Also, a house is different.  You are living in it for many, many years.

Hopefully a marriage will last "many many years".  Hopefully the couple will carry the memories of the day they "officially" started that journey with joy and not regret or resentment!

sillysally

but I remember the family and friends that were gathered there.  I remember the fact that my grandmother, who died several months later, got to see me get married in the church that she gave so much of herself to, 

Isn't it the guestlist that is in question in the OP!!!!!   What if someone had said, "oh well WE'RE footing the bill and we don't want it in that church, you can't fit enough people in there, you got to have it HERE and you can't invite THOSE people because I want THESE people there and that would make it too many so...."  I doubt the parents mentioned in the OP are THAT bad, but do you see what I mean?  The venue and guestlist are still part of the day and still stuff that is paid for and decided by someone.

sillysally

I think that our culture puts *way* too much importance on weddings in general, be they large or small.  It's waht you make of what comes afterwards, not the wedding itself.

I also think too much emphasis is placed on weddings, and not enough on marriage.  But I still think that the couple should always decide what is important for them to be included on "the day" and dang well have those things the way they want, because it is wonderful to have those memories to treasure and it is terribly sad to remember that day with regret - it SHOULD be a happy day.

Thank you everyone for the responses.

My Mom and Grandma are very hard to deal with when it comes to money and things they want. His Mom isn't too fond of me only because of the "I took her only son away" syndrome, which makes my Mom and Grandma annoyed and aggrivated with whatever his Mom wants, however, I'm plenty over it. Plus, his family lives 8 hours away. So, it's extremely difficult to get them all together to talk, and not just blow each other off and do whatever they want anyway.

My Mom wants BIG everything....big church, big crowd, big venue, big cake, big, puffy dress......His Mom honestly could care less about that stuff as long as who she wants is invited.

When I proposed the idea of a small ceremony on the beach (where we live, where we had our first date) and a big reception across the street at the Clarion Hotel it was shot down so fast because it wasn't in a church! OMG! Can you believe the audacity of us???? Condisering neither of us is really religious.

 OK.  Nightmare. 

Chuffy

 OK.  Nightmare. 

Exactly!