Selfish Wedding?

BlackLabbie

When I proposed the idea of a small ceremony on the beach (where we live, where we had our first date) and a big reception across the street at the Clarion Hotel it was shot down so fast because it wasn't in a church! OMG! Can you believe the audacity of us???? Condisering neither of us is really religious.

Ugh. I'd tell them "If a church wedding is so important to you, have one of your own This is MY wedding". A small beach wedding sounds perfect, and the Clarion looks beautiful.

 Good luck, sounds like you're going to need it.
 

sillysally

 If the couple is *that* dead set against what the parents want and the parents don't budge, then they should just pay for it themselves.  As I said,  I was just grateful that they were going to pay. 

Also, a house is different.  You are living in it for many, many years.

A wedding is one day, and again, maybe it's just me, but it is not the be all end all.  I have no memory of what we ate, barely remember what the cake looked like, the flowers were all dead a week later, and I've barely looked at my dress since that day, but I remember the family and friends that were gathered there.  I remember the fact that my grandmother, who died several months later, got to see me get married in the church that she gave so much of herself to,  I remember being able to have a lot of family stand up for us, including DH's brother who passed in May.  All the "stuff" surrounding the wedding itself was meaningless--it was our relationship, the promise we made before God, and our loved ones that were everything.

I think that our culture puts *way* too much importance on weddings in general, be they large or small.  It's waht you make of what comes afterwards, not the wedding itself.

I realize that not everyone feels that way though--that's just me. 

I'm with you.  I let my mom and sis do what they want for a lot of my wedding, mainly b/c I really didn't care.  There were things I refused to do, but beyond that I didn't really get worked up over it.  For example I did not want DH in ridiculous tuxedo pants and some nasty colored tie, I didn't do a lot of the regular stuff like DJ, dancing, throwing bouquet, etc.  My mom and sis basically picked out the dresses, the food, the flowers and it looked fine to me.  I guess if I had a very explicit idea about what I wanted to do, then I would've done that, on my own dime.  There are things I'd do differently about my wedding if I could but I'm not upset over it and don't really regret it.  It was just a few hours in a lifetime.  Honestly I was more excited about getting my dogs than my wedding.

BlackLabbie

Thank you everyone for the responses.

My Mom and Grandma are very hard to deal with when it comes to money and things they want. His Mom isn't too fond of me only because of the "I took her only son away" syndrome, which makes my Mom and Grandma annoyed and aggrivated with whatever his Mom wants, however, I'm plenty over it. Plus, his family lives 8 hours away. So, it's extremely difficult to get them all together to talk, and not just blow each other off and do whatever they want anyway.

Well, do they *need* to talk?  My in-laws and my parents never got together to talk.  There were some things that went on in DH's family that would get my mom all fired up, and although my mom is generally diplomatic she informed me that if we all went out to dinner or something and it was brought up, she would not be able to keep her mouth shut.  Therefore, there was no meeting at all between my mom and mother in law.

They just gave us a list of who they thought should be there and I gave it to my mom.  There was no direct communication involved at all, as far as I know. 

Liesje

sillysally

 If the couple is *that* dead set against what the parents want and the parents don't budge, then they should just pay for it themselves.  As I said,  I was just grateful that they were going to pay. 

Also, a house is different.  You are living in it for many, many years.

A wedding is one day, and again, maybe it's just me, but it is not the be all end all.  I have no memory of what we ate, barely remember what the cake looked like, the flowers were all dead a week later, and I've barely looked at my dress since that day, but I remember the family and friends that were gathered there.  I remember the fact that my grandmother, who died several months later, got to see me get married in the church that she gave so much of herself to,  I remember being able to have a lot of family stand up for us, including DH's brother who passed in May.  All the "stuff" surrounding the wedding itself was meaningless--it was our relationship, the promise we made before God, and our loved ones that were everything.

I think that our culture puts *way* too much importance on weddings in general, be they large or small.  It's waht you make of what comes afterwards, not the wedding itself.

I realize that not everyone feels that way though--that's just me. 

 

 

Honestly I was more excited about getting my dogs than my wedding.

LOL--me too.  I could tell you way more details about how Sally and Jack came into our lives than those of our wedding day...... 

You know, I was always under the impression they *had* to....but, I guess there really isn't a need to. My Mom gets fired up about they way his family treated me (sort of poorly) vs. the way my family treats him (very good).

sillysally

Liesje

Honestly I was more excited about getting my dogs than my wedding.

 

LOL--me too.  I could tell you way more details about how Sally and Jack came into our lives than those of our wedding day...... 

Ever since we got a house, and, I got the OK to get a second dog, I've been scanning, looking, searching for a second dog, and I've been SO excited about that! Do you think I even looked at wedding dresses once? Nope!

 As someone getting married in a little over two months and in the thick of wedding planning, I can tell you what has worked for me.

I have a big Mexican family. I am the only daughter of my parents AND the only child as well, so this is their only chance for their child to get married. A scene from "My big fat Greek wedding" is very accurate for my family - substitute "Mexican" for "Greek", subtract lamb and statues of Greek gods, add in sombreros and tostadas, and you have my family. Scarily accurate. 

We (DF and I) originally planned on a small wedding. The guest list began to grow when my mom wanted to invite this second cousin or that one person from work...I started to stress big time...until I just let it go. My parents are paying for the majority of it, so what does it matter if they want to invite some extra people? It's only because they are so proud and want to share their happiness. I'm no "bride-zilla" and the main reason that I'm doing alot of my wedding planning so last minute is that I simply do not care THAT much to have done it earlier...I was too busy with the dogs or the horses to go shopping for wedding things. However, there were two things that we (DF and I) were not willing to compromise on:

1. We were not getting married in the Catholic church. Believe me, coming from an all-Catholic family (you're born Cathlic, raised Catholic, you'll die Catholic), this was a very hard rule to enforce, but after ALOT of conversations, we are getting married in a non-denominational chapel by a nice man that used to be a priest.

2. We want a nice photographer, and therefore, we are paying for that part ourselves. Photos will be the only thing we have left after the big day (as someone else said, flowers die, the cake is gone, etc.), so we want them to be spectacular. 

Other than that, I'm game for pretty much anything. So far, we've dealt with the following:

• My mom wants to have a mariachi band there, complete with burros, dancers, and trumpets? Awesome, book 'em and tell them to bring the donkey with the biggest ears they can find.

• His dad wants to have the premium open bar (and pick up the tab for it) so that we can have a "signature drink" made for us? Great, let's do it, I've never had a blue cosmopolitan.

• His mom wants to invite his step-dad's entire side of the family, many of whom neither DF or I know the names of? Sweet, we'll meet our new family at the wedding and they'll be too drunk to realize that I can't remember their name.
  

I don't care if his brother wants to bring a hooker for a date, whether the cake is yellow, chocolate, or filled with leftovers from Christmas, or if the guest list hits 300 people. It simply does not matter. We are getting married that day, making a lifelong commitment, with family and friends around us (and some people that I don't really know), and nothing is more important than that and nothing can take away from that. Nothing.

So I guess this is my long-winded way of saying the following: sit down with your fiance and come up with the parts of the wedding that are the MOST important to you, be it the dress, the location, the music - whatever it is - but try to keep it to 2-3 items. They've got to be so important that you will not budge on them once you agree with each other, no matter what guilt trip is put on you. Aside from those 2-3 items, be prepared to compromise ALOT. It'll make everyone involved feel like they are really involved in your wedding and it'll make the whole experience more enjoyable for everyone. 

I already have an ulcer, no money, and couldn't afford to get stressed out about the details. If I end up riding down the aisle on a burro, smiling at people I don't recognize, while the mariachis play "La Bamba", so be it. I'm still getting married. 

stormyknight

I already have an ulcer, no money, and couldn't afford to get stressed out about the details. If I end up riding down the aisle on a burro, smiling at people I don't recognize, while the mariachis play "La Bamba", so be it. I'm still getting married. 

thanks for the laugh!!!

sorry, blacklabbie, i have absolutely no advice. me parents have never been pushy or demanding about anything, so i dunno what its like, except it must suck!!