Selfish Wedding?

LOL I have My Big Fat Greek Wedding images in my head now!

I don't think it's selfish at all.  What about doing a small ceremony or eloping, but then having a party/reception that's really fun and informal?  If I did my wedding again this is what I would do.  I did a formal church wedding to appease DH's family, and it really went smoothly b/c so many people helped (FIL is a pastor, SILs both sang for the ceremony, other SIL played piano, aunt did hair, etc) but I wasn't really *into* the whole thing if that makes sense.  I don't regret it but I won't say it's the best time we've ever had!

You're NOT selfish and don't let those who say that get you down - you'll only regret it if you design your wedding to suit everyone *but* you (and you'll drive yourself and future DH crazy).  We had a small/medium wedding - about 120 invitations, 90 guests - and it was just perfect.  Plus likewaaaay cheaper - the average cost of a wedding is something like $25,000!

Liesje

LOL I have My Big Fat Greek Wedding images in my head now!

And you'd be right on the money! I always got embarrassed when I was younger and friends came over to my house because my Mom would try to feed everyone, lol!

I feel like my Mom is acting like it's the biggest shock of the century that I don't want a big, formal wedding. I LOVE the idea of a smaller ceremony and a big, informal reception.

Also, here's the kicker, since my parents are paying....I really feel like I have to do what they want....We could pay, but we just got a house and I'd like to put money into that instead.

 Yeah... who's paying for the wedding? If it's your families, and they REALLY want a big wedding celebration, maybe you should indulge them. They can plan everything, you guys just show up and smile. If you guys are paying, or at least contributing, then paying $$$ for a party you don't even want seems pretty ridiculous. Unless money is just no issue in your situation, tell them you'd rather use the money to save up for a house or (they'd love this!) for your future children.

 We had 200 guests at our wedding, pretty big but a nice size IMO. I think my mom would have done a little dance if I wanted a small intimate wedding/reception since her and my dad paid for mostly all of it. My dad kept pushing the whole "Let's go to Vegas and you guys can elope" the entire year of planning it, haha. Mainly because I think he really wanted to go back to Vegas. No I don't think its selfish of you, especially if you and Jeremy are paying for alot of it.

What's the Big Weddings to Big Divorces ratio?  sheesh

David and I had a VERY small wedding (just 20 people there) and it was still way more than enough 'planning'.  But we did what WE wanted and it was gorgeous. 

However -- since then we've renewed our vows TWICE (we do it every 5 years).  That all evolved from a conversation at the table during the reception:

David "Well, this was really nice and pretty and meaningful". 

Me:  "Yeah, shame about all the parental [mine] drama!"

David: "Couldn't be helped, your Mom IS ... well, *your* Mom!  But seriously -- this was REALLY nice ... we should do it again ... maybe .... without family?"

Me:  "You mean, like renewing our vows?  Like in 10 years or something?"

David:  "Yeah -- except lets not wait THAT long -- how about ... in 5 years?"

Me:  "It's a date!!"

And we did -- we went back to Bok Tower, had the same fella (a local pastor) do the SAME vows and then we went to the same place to stay the night as our wedding night.  It was AWESOME.

Then at 10 years?  Yep -- we did it again PLUS went to NY City for the weekend in addition. 

Big weddings can be an enormous stressor -- I've seen relationships that didn't survive it.  And yeah -- David and I were concerned about the pressure from the parental units (which in my case is significant and wrong -- I'm in my mid-50's for crying out loud!!)

I'd think talking with your mother might be needful -- but make sure you and Jeremy are firmly on the same ground first.

Perhaps it is selfish, but I don't see that as a bad thing. This really is about you and Jeremy and you should have the ultimate choice in how you want to do things. Planning a huge wedding is stressful enough if it's what you want, but it would be brutal if you were doing it to please other people. I think the idea of something very small (or eloping) and then having a nice reception at a later date sounds like a great idea.

My measily opinion is that weddings are for the family/friends, marriages are for you and your husband.  So it's a tough call; if they are 'requesting' a big shebang AND funding it, buck up and try to appease them.  But at the same time, I would hope they would forgive you (eventually ) if you just couldn't bring yourself to do something you aren't comfortable with.  Would having a big party after the wedding satisfy everyone's needs?

I feel for you making this decision.  Though James and I aren't anywhere near even talking about marriage, I already know what I want.  All inclusive wedding/honeymoon away then come back for a party!  I've NEVER had a desire to have a traditional wedding, that was sister's thing.  But I know because mom was all but ignored for sister's wedding, she will feel like she's being passed over for mine too and that bums me out.  Hopefully, if I include her in the choosing of my dress as well as the planning of the after party, she will forgive my elopement.  Something tells me James' family won't think an elopement is very neat either as he's an only child but hey, a girl can try.

I don't feel that it's selfish. My own belief is that weddings (like marriages) are for the couple, not the family. But then I am very into privacy and others respecting my choices.

Luckily, my family is pretty laid back about such things.

I do know that, no matter what their relation to me (and I do like my family) anyone who called me selfish in regards to a marriage/wedding choice would be quickly booted off any invite list and would be left out of any further discussion.

I knew someone with a very meddling family who felt they had to be in on every decision of their lives. Ugh, the drama. 

No no no no... you're not being selfish.  If you want a small ceremony and a large party afterwards, that's what you should have.  It's YOUR wedding, no one elses and the "gift" of stress over what you truly want in your heart is no gift.  If the parents aren't up for that and the money's just burning a hole in their pockets (in this economy???) have them set up college funds for those babies you'll be bugged about in no time.  It's silly.  Yes, we parents (I have 2 approaching marrying age) have little daydreams about what we'd like our kids' weddings to be like, but it's their wedding, not ours and with 4 parents in the mix (sometimes more) every one is going to have a different idea of what "should" go down.  The ultimate decision is up to the couple, regardless of who is paying the bill, that's just financial blackmail, and it's not right.  If it's truly what you and Jeremy want, put your foot down and don't elope (unless you want to) just explain the way your marriage is going to be.  If they don't like it, they don't have to come.  That should open their eyes. 

You are NOT being selfish.  If you are paying for it, then you do as you want for your wedding.  If others are paying for it then they should have some say in the whole shebang.  My vote is to go to Maine & get married there.  That sounds lovely & romantic to me.

cakana

Planning a huge wedding is stressful enough if it's what you want, but it would be brutal if you were doing it to please other people.

My Mom (I think) thrives on stress! Everything in my family....every holiday, every party, every wedding, every baby show.....every dog gone Mary Kay Party!!!....is waaay over the top. They (my Mom and Grandma) love it! Me? Not so much.

I think another thing is, my Mom and Grandma are super girly. They love getting their hair and nails done. Me?.....eh......My Mom also only has me and my brother, so I think she wants the big girly princess wedding thing, and since I'm the only girl.....

BlackLabbie

Are we being selfish?

all weddings are selfish... that is kind of the point right? otherwise you would go down to the court house.

BlackLabbie

My Mom also only has me and my brother, so I think she wants the big girly princess wedding thing, and since I'm the only girl.....

I really do kind of understand how she must feel. My niece had a huge wedding a little over a year ago and my brother and his wife were in all their glory at the ceremony and reception. It turned out beautiful but I'll bet it cost $30K or more.

My nephew just got engaged and they had a huge engagement party for them a few weeks ago. I think 100 people attended and it was catered. My brother has already booked some swanky place for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding isn't until next June.