Selfish Wedding?

BlackLabbie

I think another thing is, my Mom and Grandma are super girly. They love getting their hair and nails done. Me?.....eh......My Mom also only has me and my brother, so I think she wants the big girly princess wedding thing, and since I'm the only girl.....

Could you compromise and have a big go-to-geck bachelorette party for the girls (maybe a spa weekend?) and then a more relaxed, intimate wedding ceremony/reception? I'm sure the cost would end up being waaaay less than a big fancy wedding, maybe your mother and grandmother would get the fun of a "girly girl" party?

Your not being selfish! Your doing what YOU want for YOUR wedding.

My Mom wants a big girly wedding for me, and then babies, babies, and more babies.
Not happening.
At all.
I don't want to get married.
I don't want kids.

Just explain that you want to be happy about your wedding - you want it to be YOUR wedding, not someone elses/.

You aren't being selfish at all.  It is your decision, & if you want a small wedding then your families should respect that.

DH & I got married in Vegas on 3 days notice.  It was perfect, for us.  We both realized that planning a big wedding, with our families, would be more stress than what it was worth. 

We did break down & agree to allow my mother, & MIL to plan receptions for us.  They both agreed to only invite "essential" guests.  MIL's reception had over 200 guests, my mother's had around 350 people.  After seeing who they considered "essential" our decision to go to Vegas seemed like a very good one.

BEVOLASVEGAS

They both agreed to only invite "essential" guests.  MIL's reception had over 200 guests, my mother's had around 350 people.  After seeing who they considered "essential" our decision to go to Vegas seemed like a very good one.

Yah, my Moms "essential" people are her co-workers and their entire families that neither I nor Jeremy know or a cousin of a cousin of a cousin once removed that I've never met....

BlackLabbie

LOL, can you imagine after we get married? It's going to be "when are you having babies?!?!"....ugh.......

LOL, I was asked that at our reception!

I have to say we had a big Italian wedding and I was really not too thrilled with it at first.  I was doing it more for my parents and my grandmother. And, I didn't enjoy the planning like I wish I had now.  But, I think in the end to have all those pictures and memories is going to be really special to you.  I know I look at my album and recall that day with great joy now. 

BlackLabbie

Liesje

LOL I have My Big Fat Greek Wedding images in my head now!

And you'd be right on the money! I always got embarrassed when I was younger and friends came over to my house because my Mom would try to feed everyone, lol!

I feel like my Mom is acting like it's the biggest shock of the century that I don't want a big, formal wedding. I LOVE the idea of a smaller ceremony and a big, informal reception.

Also, here's the kicker, since my parents are paying....I really feel like I have to do what they want....We could pay, but we just got a house and I'd like to put money into that instead.

If they are paying for it, then while I don't think you are being selfish, I don't see why it would hurt to indulge them.  And maybe you can compromise on some of the details--maybe agree to invite lots of family, etc, but nobody that you two don't know (parent's friends who you've never met, etc).

There are also things you can do to cut down on the formal feel of a ceremony.  I had all my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, shoes, hairstyles, whatever.  I just gave them a store and a color and let them run with it.  Also, you can have a dress be beautiful without being girly, etc.  If the planning part of it stresses you out then have family take on parts (or even all) of the planning.

This is the thing I've learned after being married for 5 years (not long but we've been through a lot)--the wedding is unimportant, no matter what the size.  What *really* matters is the life you two build together and the bond with your family.  If you two have big families and nothing in this world would make them happier than having a bigger wedding and have you be princess for a day, I say what the heck--let them!  You can still have a good deal of say in some of the details, etc and have the wedding still be to your taste.

calliecritturs

Big weddings can be an enormous stressor -- I've seen relationships that didn't survive it.

See, when I see a relationship that didn't survive wedding planning, I see a relationship that was doomed to begin with.  If a couple can't plan a wedding together, then how are they going to buy a house together, decorate that house together, make decisions about having a having and raising children together, etc.  In marriage there are going to be many more stressful events, lasting much longer and costing much more money than planning a wedding,  If someone can't handle a year of wedding stress, how are they going to handle 18 years of child stress?

Actually, come to think of it, the wedding was easy on our relationship because my husband didn't care what I did with the majority of it.  When it comes to what we are going to do with the house he has all these opinions, dang it--lol.....   

Sorry--back to topic..... 

sillysally

If they are paying for it, then while I don't think you are being selfish, I don't see why it would hurt to indulge them.  And maybe you can compromise on some of the details--maybe agree to invite lots of family, etc, but nobody that you two don't know (parent's friends who you've never met, etc).

There are also things you can do to cut down on the formal feel of a ceremony.  I had all my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, shoes, hairstyles, whatever.  I just gave them a store and a color and let them run with it.  Also, you can have a dress be beautiful without being girly, etc.  If the planning part of it stresses you out then have family take on parts (or even all) of the planning.

I think this is a great idea. See if they can treat it like a surprise party - "Surprise, here's your wedding!!" Then they get to do what makes them happy, you don't have to deal with the hassle of preparations, and you get a fun party out of it, to boot!

I think there are a lot of ways you can propose compromises on this so everyone is happy. Not that your family would necessarily accept them, of course, but you could still try!

Cita

Not that your family would necessarily accept them, of course, but you could still try!

Haha, yah, I can still try!

sillysally

See, when I see a relationship that didn't survive wedding planning, I see a relationship that was doomed to begin with.  If a couple can't plan a wedding together, then how are they going to buy a house together, decorate that house together, make decisions about having a having and raising children together, etc.  In marriage there are going to be many more stressful events, lasting much longer and costing much more money than planning a

The operative difference being "plan a wedding together" -- vs. talking about the FAMILY wanting it.  What a man and a woman want to do is one thing.  What the FAMILY is telling them to do beyond that isn't.  When parents and "well meaning" family and friends horn in and dictate and the couple ALLOW them to do it, ***that*** is the mega problem.  If he doesn't care and she just wants to allow herself to get swept away *fine*.  But when "we always have big weddings" tries to dictate over what the couple wants?  That's a problem.  A big huge family problem begging to be controlled.

Now -- if the couple doesn't bother to talk about it, if he resents her family "interfering" and he doesn't talk to her and/or she doesn't *listen* or take him seriously and the two of them ***allow*** the family to get in between them and dictate and be divisive -- that's their utlimate problem. 

There are lots of things my family "has always done" -- but to then foist that expectation on my spouse-to-be without listening to him/her or making the decision **WITH** them -- that's where problems occur.  Make sense?

  If anything, I'd have to say your mother is being selfish trying to push you to do things her way for your wedding.

 How about a non-traditional wedding reception - something fun, relaxed and in expensive. For our's our closest friends/family, instead of a gift helped us with preparing food. We provided chicken and everyone else brought their favorite dishes for a pot luck style buffet. Our friends band and a drum circle provided music for the reception. We requested casual dress or costumes (it was in Oct). A family member became a minister (thanks to an online site and yes, it is valid :) ) just to marry us. Oh and Jagger, as the "Best Dog" and only member of the bridal party had pretty much free roam.

  Our wedding was done very inexpensively but it was enjoyed by everyone and we didn't have to worry about who would be left off the guest list due to finances. Even three years later, people remark to us about how fun our wedding was and they wish more of their friends/relatives would opt for something more like that than a traditional wedding. I know in some families though a big but non-traditional wedding may be seen as worse than no wedding at all ;)

 I don't think wanting a small wedding is selfish.  Sometimes in a big family, things get over done, and oversized so much that it just really becomes a turn off.  Personally, I want a big party for all of my friends and family, but I can't imagine packing a church for the ceremony.  For the most part that's not much fun anyway.  I've got no interest in sitting for an hour and a half on a hard church pew listening to a preacher recite long vows and whatnot to marry my coworker's sister's boyfriends exwive's third daughter to some guy who came from France.  And I certainly can't justify spending money on a wedding gift. 

That said, one of my best friends in HS eloped without telling any of us.  Afterward she came home(they did it in Hawaii) and planned herself a wedding shower and social that we had to buy tickets to...  That was selfish IMO.  No, I don't care enough to even tell you I'm getting married, but please buy me presents and give me money...Nope.

BlackLabbie

I come from a BIG Italian family. Jeremy has a HUGE Irish family. What a combo, lol! I'm the only person in the family with near future wedding plans in my family. Jeremy and I were talking about our wedding plans and neither of us wants a big, huge (expensive!) wedding. We want to keep it simple, with close family and a few very close friends. My Mom thinks it's selfish of us for doing this because "everyone has big weddings in our family!" She really made me feel selfish for wanting something small. After talking to her I thought I'd like to take a drive up to Maine (our favorite vacation spot) and just get married in a small town there....just elope. And it's over and done with. I don't want the whole wedding shebang. Not at all. I'm not into it. I feel like the longer we're engaged (going on 2 years) the more stressful wedding plans/questions are becoming from everyone (except Jeremy).

Are we being selfish?

LOL, can you imagine after we get married? It's going to be "when are you having babies?!?!"....ugh.......

My thoughts?  Yeah it's a bit selfish.  But you're ALLOWED TO BE.  It's YOUR day.

Everyone said to us when we got married, "oh it's your day, it's got to be special, it's the best day of your life" etc. But in the next breath they would be saying "oh, but you can't do THAT".

In a way, it is more for family and friends than yourself.  Especially your parents.  Everyone wants to be there to wish you well. Your mum wants to buy a hat and have prime seats and get a bit weepy.  But!  You really CAN'T please everyone.  So you may as well just please yourself.

We both have huge families too.  I am one of eight siblings.  The older ones all have partners and kids.  My mum and dad both re-married. My DH only has a sister and his parents are not divorced, but he is very close to his mums family, who lives locally, and he has many grandparents, aunts, uncles etc and cousins who are more like siblings to him... most of them have partners too.  Neither of us could invite EVERYONE - it would have been too much, you have to draw a line somewhere.

The way we did it was, we picked a small intimate venue.  We were restricted to only 40 places, that was including me and dh and the registrar and the superintendant registrar and a member of staff at the castle who had to be on hand for health and safety reasons and fire regs and stuff. 

So that left us with just 35 spaces for guests.  I had my mum, dad, brothers, sisters, THEIR spouses and my step dad.  My dh had his mum, dad, sister & he fiance, his best man and a few other close relatives and friends.  A few others who we couldnt squeeze in waited in the grounds (including my nieces and nephews, most of them would have been bored by the ceremony anyway) and joined us for champagne and photos after the ceremony.  Then we all went on to the reception venue where the inlaws had paid for a barbq and a big bowl of punch for us and the guests.  That was very informal and more people came along later to join us for drinks etc and a few of the later guests had some of our barbq as well.  It was very relaxed and fun with minimal stress for all involved.

calliecritturs

sillysally

See, when I see a relationship that didn't survive wedding planning, I see a relationship that was doomed to begin with.  If a couple can't plan a wedding together, then how are they going to buy a house together, decorate that house together, make decisions about having a having and raising children together, etc.  In marriage there are going to be many more stressful events, lasting much longer and costing much more money than planning a

 

The operative difference being "plan a wedding together" -- vs. talking about the FAMILY wanting it.  What a man and a woman want to do is one thing.  What the FAMILY is telling them to do beyond that isn't.  When parents and "well meaning" family and friends horn in and dictate and the couple ALLOW them to do it, ***that*** is the mega problem.  If he doesn't care and she just wants to allow herself to get swept away *fine*.  But when "we always have big weddings" tries to dictate over what the couple wants?  That's a problem.  A big huge family problem begging to be controlled.

Now -- if the couple doesn't bother to talk about it, if he resents her family "interfering" and he doesn't talk to her and/or she doesn't *listen* or take him seriously and the two of them ***allow*** the family to get in between them and dictate and be divisive -- that's their utlimate problem. 

There are lots of things my family "has always done" -- but to then foist that expectation on my spouse-to-be without listening to him/her or making the decision **WITH** them -- that's where problems occur.  Make sense?

I get what you are saying, but the family is not going away.  Couples have to learn to work through this stuff.  My opinion on this would be totally different if the couple was paying for it themselves.  There is nothing wrong with the bride's parents paying--mine did.  However, there were certain concessions that I made with stuff that my mom wanted but I necessarily didn't due to the fact that the were footing the bill.  I just think that's fair and actually don't regret it for a second.  They were not even important enough things for me to remember at the moment.  If DH had objected (which he didn't--he was just grateful that we didn't have to start out our lives in wedding debt) we would have discussed it amongst ourselves and my parents but at the end of the day my parents were the ones putting up thousands of dollars of their own hard earned money for the event.

Interestingly enough, when we were out yesterday we discussed this and he said that if the family was paying for it, they should get the final say on how it goes down, so I guess it was never an issue since we were on the same page about it.

However, if the family is *not* paying and they try to butt in at every turn, that is a different story IMHO.