Jealous of my 3 year old daughter.

kle1986

And I have heard his friends and his own brother tell him they have no idea how I am still around with the way we are living.

Could you get his brother to talk to him about going to the doctor?  Depression can cause ED and he might be more willing to talk to his brother than you about that. 

Also ask him if he expects to walk your daughter down the aisle or bounce his grandchildren on his knee.  If his blood pressure is out of control, he may not get to do either of those things. 

Chuffy, I think that's great advice.

There's also a lot of research out there that suggests that the ratio of positive to negative emotions is one of the most important indicators of a functioning relationship. So if you think of your husband and are feeling 80% frustrated and angry and only 20% loved, loving, and contented... there's a problem! But you can work to "tip the scales in your favor" and add to the positive emotions in ways like Chuffy suggested.

I'd also recommend some books by a fellow named John Gottman - he's a psychologist who has done a bunch of studies on relationships and relationship dynamics. He's very well respected in the field, and he has written several books based on what he's found working with couples in his lab. What works to keep a relationship together, what doesn't, and how to "fix" things when they're getting tough. (Here's one book, I think Janet might have actually linked another: http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Transform-Your-Marriage-Strengthening/dp/1400050197/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217362534&sr=8-3)

Another thing you can try is to voice your concerns in a different way. Instead of saying something like, "You NEED to go to the doctor!!" you could say something like, "I love you so much, and I'm really worried about you, would you consider going to the doctor just to make me feel better and so I don't worry? I know I've been annoying you by nagging about this, and I'm sorry... it's just I'm such a worry wart, you know how I am. Please?" See if you can work on phrasing your concerns in such a way that it doesn't make him feel defensive.

I also think talking to a marriage counselor, even if you only go yourself, would be a good idea. They have a lot of practice teaching people strategies to better communicate and cooperate with their partners. You might be able to learn something that could help you work with your husband.
 

I just re-read my post and I wanted to say - I don't want you to think I'm saying it's all your fault or anything!  Just wanted to help you to see that you can empower yourself to make a change without fighting or nagging.  There's something you can do which you can do all on your own.... you don't have to sit and wait for him to [fill in blank here]; or nag him because he's not doing it or feel frustrated because he won;t do it and doesn't seem to be listening.... You're not helpless!  Sometimes, that's the most depressing feeling of all - that your happiness is dependant on another person and they are not "doing their bit".

sharismom

How does his father treat his mother?  How did your father treat your mother?

His dad died when he was 2 and 2 days later his brother was born. So his mom worked to give them everything the could possibly ask for and still does to this day. JJ and his brother are spoiled rotten brats.  My parents are divorced. I havent seen my mom since I was 4. My dad quit coming around when I was 10, he got married to a woman who cant stand kids. I lived with my grandparents.  I do not have any contact with any of my family besides my brother. They want nothing to do with us since they dont have to take care of us anymore.

I give JJ time to his self. I know everyone needs time alone. I dont ask him to do anything that involves the dogs because he isnt into that. And I am fine with that. Samantha enjoys doing stuff with me so Im not totally alone. I try to take care of everything around the house that needs it since I do not work. I have even started mowing the grass so he wont have to worry about that on his days off. I dont mind doing stuff to help out but I really would like him to spend time with me like he used to. I dont blame Samantha for the way he is. She is 3 and he didnt start slacking in the attention giving until about a year and a half ago. 

I cant go to any friends houses because of the dogs. The one friend I can go to if I needed to spend a few days isnt allowed to have dogs. I can bring them over but they cant stay not even for a few days. I could leave Cheyanne here and Kujo could go to Grandma's but Lillie I am not willing to leave with any one. I can always go to the old trailer though that JJ owns. It still has all the utilities hooked up and turned on.

Dog_ma

I'm sorry things are rough. Relationships are complex beasts.

One thing stood out to me - you had a dad who barely paid you any attention, and now you have a husband who doesn't either. Perhaps you put up with as much as you do because in some way it feels "normal" (if unpleasant).

Big hugs. 

You are so right. I guess it does feel normal to me. I just cant take it anymore. And it's because of Samantha that I have really started seeing I dont get JJ's attention.

The other day when he was leaving to go to work he gave her a kiss and a hug. He then gave me a quick kiss and started to leave. Samantha yells at him to give me a hug too.  She has been doing that a lot lately.

Oh and Janet_rose. He always says he will be dead before Samantha is old enough to get married. 

Chuffy that is great advice. Im gonna try doing that tonight. I have a hard time praising, thanking, appreciating,etc people. Comes easily when it comes to Samantha and the dogs. I wasnt raised in a household that rewarded good behavior. Just the bad behavior was paid any attention to.

kle1986

Chuffy that is great advice. Im gonna try doing that tonight. I have a hard time praising, thanking, appreciating,etc people. Comes easily when it comes to Samantha and the dogs. I wasnt raised in a household that rewarded good behavior. Just the bad behavior was paid any attention to.

Ah hun, that speaks volumes to me!   You can turn it round, I got a feeling in my bones about it.  And my bones are pretty reliable  

 What Chuffy said makes alot of sense to me.  I read once that the single biggest thing that anyone needs out of a relationship, is the feeling that they make someone else happy.  Once you start to feel like you're losing that ability, things can get pretty discouraging.  Perhaps JJ needs some confirmation that he is still the guy that makes you happy.

kle1986

Cita

 I'm guessing your "intimate couple time" is also suffering, then?

 

What is that?!!!  We dont have any of that anymore. Seriously. All I get theses days as far as intimate stuff is a kiss when he is leaving for work.

I told him I wanted the old JJ back, the one I meet 5 years ago. He said that JJ died when he started having to pay bills, got a house payment,and having to pay for everything else. So I told him I would get a job to help with the bills and pay for my own stuff. No he wants me to stay home with Samantha and I can get a job when she goes to kindergarten.

He says we dont need counselor. There is nothing wrong with him.

All he wants to do is go to work,come home get on the computer, go to sleep, wake up and spend time with Samantha, go to work.

I've even tried to help out with giving him more time to relax when he is home for the weekends by mowing the yard and weed eating. He has 3 days off too not the typical 2 everyone usually gets working at a factory. And then all he does at work is boss people around!!! Maybe that could be it? He spends too much time around people at work so he doesnt feel like spending time with me?

I try to talk to him. It doesnt work. He says I am nagging.
 

Since all of his attention is focused on your daughter you might want to ask him how does he think this will affect her if you split up??  Does he want her to be raised in two seperate homes? Or does he want her to grow up  thinking the way he ignores you is what she should settle for in her own relationships??  She learns by what she sees and is surrounded by.

I would not mention to him that he will one day begin to teach her that ignoring you is okay.  He is destroying the most important relationship she may ever have with another female and it will leave her with  either a twisted sense of entitlement or a sense of not being worthy.  How are you supposed to parent her if she thinks you are not important enough to both respect and care for? 

Did you marry because you were expecting?   Is it possible that he feels trapped into the relationship?  He needs to know the Best Gift a father can give his children is to love and honor their mother.  BTW you do not need his permission to get a part time job. ( or any job for that matter)

Even if he will not go to counseling you need to think about getting some for yourself , there is sliding scale counsiling availble every where. Your own self esteem is really begining to suffer.

If you do not get counseling then please explore finding a few cyber friends who you can speak frankly with.  I hate it that this is causing you such pain.

Bonita of Bwana

He isnt stopping me from getting a job. He just told me I had the option of staying home with Samantha if I wanted unlike so many women who have to go back to work for financial reasons. I wanted to stay home with her. I have gotten a job several times since Samantha has been born. But because he lets her do anything she wants while I am gone I have chosen that I will just have to wait till she is in school to get a permanent job.

He isnt capable of watching Samantha for more than an hour. I went to work one day came home to a mess. And he had "cleaned" it up. He apparently laid down with her to get her to take a nap. Instead he fell asleep and she climbed the gate into the kitchen. She got into the fridge and helped herself to some ravioli. Then proceeded to feed the dogs because they were hungry too. He only woke up because she started crying when she realized she had made a huge mess. I get home to find ravioli sauce and dog food all over the kitchen floor. I was so made because that could have easily been avoided. How? She had told him she was hungry when I was walking out the door and he told her he would get her something to eat. Instead he tries to get her to go to sleep.

We arent together because of Samantha. But nowadays it does feel like that is the only reason. But that wasnt the reason in the beginning.

kle1986

He isnt stopping me from getting a job. He just told me I had the option of staying home with Samantha if I wanted unlike so many women who have to go back to work for financial reasons. I wanted to stay home with her. I have gotten a job several times since Samantha has been born. But because he lets her do anything she wants while I am gone I have chosen that I will just have to wait till she is in school to get a permanent job.

We arent together because of Samantha. But nowadays it does feel like that is the only reason. But that wasnt the reason in the beginning.

That is good to know, I thought you had said earlier he did not want to work, I may have misread that post.  I was lucky like you are in that I stayed home with my girls as long as possible too.  When I did take a part time job it was one they could ride along with.  It is no longer an easy option for families to be a stay at home mom.

 I know what you mean about his inability to take care of her as well as you do. It can be really frustrating !  My daughter's husband thinks if he is watching the kids they should sit on the couch and watch whatever tv program he wants to watch without speaking! I really have an issue with him and he knows I think he is a jerk when he pulls this type of behavior.   My daughter and he can sit for hours on the computer or reading a book while 5 kids destroy my home.  I would have kicked them out years ago except I worry about the kids and how they would handle it all. We are almost back home after our trip to the Ridgeback Rodeo and I dread knowing how badly my home will look.  Last big trip I came home to "addresses" having been painted on the walls next to doors by the 2 and 4 year old in fingernail polish.  And I can count on playing the what did you break?  game.... My daughter has some medical issues that require her to take meds. They wipe her out and she takes a 1-3 hour nap every day.  the kids are pretty great but they are kids after all so things are gotten into.

Have you tried surfing some of the relationship sites? there is some great advice on them. Or have you considered asking that the computer and tv be left off until a specific time?   I know it's easier said than done.  And the internet is like a drug for many people.

Please keep in mind we all care about you and many of us have gone through or are going through a similar experience.

Hugs

Bonita of Bwana

kle1986

Oh and Janet_rose. He always says he will be dead before Samantha is old enough to get married. 

This is another indicator of severe depression problems (almost "I wish I was dead.";) - perhaps a hint at suicidal thoughts. 

The next time he does this maybe you could hug him and say "Honey, you scare me when you say things like that.  I want you around for a long time and I want you to enjoy our life together.  Please let me schedule a physical so we can work on finding out why you feel this way."  If he still says there is nothing wrong with him, say "Yeh, right.  Everybody thinks they are going to die young.  That is not normal.  We have to work on this!!.  Samantha needs you.  I need you."

There are lots of medical problems that can have depression as a symptom.  He might just need a thyroid supplement to be back to his old self!

If you can get him into a doctor, tell the doctor ahead of time that he needs to look for things that could cause depression, but that he should not tell your husband that you said that.  Get a full thyroid panel. 

Well the only dr he is willing to talk about going to is the chiropractor. And all he does is say he needs to go. I wish his work would make a psychical required once a year or something like that. Then he would go. Im gonna work on his mom a bit and get her annoying him about the dr. Because I have noticed if mommy mentions he needs to do something then he does it.  

We talked this morning. I asked him if he was happy with the way his life turned out and he said yes. He asked me if I was and I told him no and why. Well then Samantha woke up and I couldnt get him to talk about it anymore.

kle1986

Im gonna work on his mom a bit and get her annoying him about the dr.    Because I have noticed if mommy mentions he needs to do something then he does it.  

Yeh, lots of people are so preconditioned as children to doing what their mother says that it carries over into adulthood.     Take advantage of it!

Chiropractors are good for a lot of things, but I doubt they could help your husband's depression.  However, a cooperative chiropractor might be open to referring a client for bloodwork.

Good luck! 

janet_rose

Chiropractors are good for a lot of things, but I doubt they could help your husband's depression.  However, a cooperative chiropractor might be open to referring a client for bloodwork.

"Cooperative" being the key, here - I'm all about the chiropractic care, as it's helped my back a lot, but I've known several chiropractors who seem to truly believe that "proper" chiropractic care is a cure for everything from depression to asthma. Seriously. Because everything has to do with nerves, right? And chiropractic's all about fixing pinched nerves! While I don't doubt that chiropractic care can help such issues, I strongly believe that there are many problems which require additional help as well. Be careful the chiropractor you decide on isn't "anti-doctor," if you know what I mean. For example, for me (though I know many feel differently), if a chiropractor is against childhood vaccinations, I won't go there. If a chiropractor drops hints or asks leading questions that lead me to suggest they feel they are "at odds" with "traditional" doctors, I won't go there. (Just as I won't frequent a doctor that isn't at least open to alternative therapies.) There are open-minded people out there, at all points of the spectrum, so don't feel like you have to go with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable!

I think talking to his mother is a really good idea, just don't let him know that you're doing it.   BF's mother and I conspire all the time on key issues (being careful to choose our battles very wisely, of course) and it's been really helpful. A little maternal kick in the pants every now and then can be a powerful motivator!

You got the ball rolling, talking a bit this morning.  When you talk to him, try to use the "feelings" statements.  Example: "JJ, when you ignore me, I feel hurt."  His actions are his, but your feelings are yours.  Saying "you make me angry and hurt when you ignore me" puts the responsibility on him.  It also makes him defensive.  He cannot make you feel anything - you have to own how you feel.  Those feelings aren't right or wrong.

Another thing I noticed you said about him not being able to take care of Samantha when you have worked.  He might not take care of her the way you would, but he has the ability.  Yes, of course there are safety issues with him falling asleep and Samantha getting in to stuff.  Sounds like he was left on his own as a kid and that is all he knows.  Mother worked and he and his brother did whatever they wanted.  He thinks he can do the same.  Just because he works and you don't doesn't mean he doesn't have to help with the household tasks.  If you want to get a job, hire a sitter.  Or take a class, hire a sitter.  Tell him you're doing it because you're concerned for your daughter's safety since he has fallen asleep on more than one occasion.   

Your family situation was not great and I think you have some abandonment issues.  We are all products of the nurturing we receive (or don't).  And as I said before, we tend to end up in similar situations because we know how to cope.  I'll be the first one to say I am totally guilty of the same type of behavior.  Until I was ready to admit it and work through it, I repeated the patterns.  Change is hard.

Take a look at your expectations and at your reality, then decide.