Jealous of my 3 year old daughter.

I second the counselling thing.  He may not realize, or want to realize, that there is a problem in the family and that 2 out of 3 members of the family are deeply unhappy.  You may need to use a different tactic (not trick) to get him to start going to counselling.  Perhaps if he realized that his daughter is living in an unhappy family that may motivate him.

Please note that I am not recommending an ultimatim in any way.  I'm just recommending that you propose the idea to him in a different way.  We all percieve and understand things differently and knowing what each others expectations are allows us to attempt to meet them.

Relationships are hard.  I'm sorry for what you are feeling.  If he won't go to counseling, go for yourself.  It won't help his issues, but it will help you with your own.

It does sound like there may be some medical issue(s) affecting him.  Unfortunately, if he won't go to a doctor, you can't make him.  Guys internalize a lot and try to pretend like nothing is wrong - mentally, physically, etc.  It's no wonder women live longer.

You can't fix him or your relationship if he doesn't do his part, but you can take care of "you" - and don't feel guilty about it.

sharismom

You can't fix him or your relationship if he doesn't do his part, but you can take care of "you" - and don't feel guilty about it.

Is he with your daughter to try and give you a repreive, or because he loves her and doesn't see her during the day? It may help to find out why his behavior is the way it is. Men can be really dense sometimes, and it may be that he thinks he's helping "lighten your load" by putting the burgers on the grill and getting your daughter fed (then his burger is done, so he thinks he might as well sit down too), and to you it seems like he doesn't care enough to finish your dinner.

I know I might be playing a little bit of the Devil's advocate here, and maybe this will be unpopular....
but shouldn't you be happy he's spending extra time with Samantha? Little girls need their Dads, and they love spending time with them ("Daddy's Little Girl!". I know I did. My Dad worked an awful lot, and he was a lobsterman, so I really didn't see him too much. But when he got free time, it was like just me and him, and I loved it! Seriously, we'd go to Home Depot together and look at tools, of course I wasn't interested in tools but I loved spending time with him. As I got older, and busy with school, friends, boys, I saw my Dad less and less. I'm almost 23 now, my Dad recently retired, so I get to see him often, and I really love spending that time again with him.

He might just really miss her, and wants to spend time with her when he can...she's 3 years old, what a cute, fun age, and they grow up SO fast! If I were you, I'd talk to him about it, but I'd also appreciate the family and house I had and be thankful that my husband wants to spend time with my daughter- so many Dads don't want to spend that time with their kids.

He also might be thinking he's lightening the load for you, by taking her off your hands.

Try to think of some family activities you all can do together...you, JJ, and Samantha and maybe even the dogs!

BlackLabbie

but shouldn't you be happy he's spending extra time with Samantha? Little girls need their Dads, and they love spending time with them

(and I could be totally off base with what I'm about to say....)

I don't think the OP has a problem with the fact that JJ wants to spend time w/ Samantha.  I think the problem is that there is no balance.  She wants to be acknowledged as well .  So the 3 of them doing something sounds good to me.  But even then there should be time for just the 2 of them too.

 The only way I can get him to get out of the house is if I can find something to do that all of us can do. But me mention going to the movies or out to eat just the two of us is not gonna happen. He wont do it.

Examples:Ask him to go to the fair with me because I dont wanna go alone. No he doesnt feel like being around all those people. Ok do you want to take Samantha to the fair so she can ride stuff? Sure why not. When do you want to leave?  Wanna go see a movie? No I will wait till it's on dvd. Wanna take Samantha to see kung foo panda? Not really but you done mentioned it to her so lets go. Wanna go to the lake this weekend with our friends?  No not really into sleeping outside. Samantha and I are going to the lake this weekend with so and so. Ok I will take off and go with you all.   Get it yet?
 

I am happy that he spends time with Samantha. I didnt have my dad in my life like I would have liked. Only saw that sorry excuse of a man 2 months out of a year and then he would dump me and my brother at a babysitters all summer. So I am happy Samantha has JJ. But I would like to have his attention too!!!

He does not take her off my hands. He just pays attention to her when she wants him too. When I want to spend time with him he wont get off the freaking computer. He is great about getting off the computer to do something with Samantha. I wish he would give me the time of day also.

What I am saying is he pays no attention to me at all. I mean it. No attention at all. I do not exist here unless he is hungry, needs his clothes washed, needs to be waken up to go to work, or tell him when the bills are due. Other than that it is just work, computer, and Samantha for him.

And I am tired of it. If I didnt have Samantha or my animals I wouldnt get any recognition at all. 

Thank you everyone for all your help and advice.

I agree that he has something medically wrong with him and have mentioned it to him several times. He gets so defensive about it so I have quit bothering him. If he wants to feel bad all the time then fine but Im not gonna listen to it anymore. The dogs and Samantha are always up for a walk or biking.

There is no way he is gonna talk to a counselor. Heck he dont even talk to his friends about anything but work,cars,motorcycles, and other guy stuff. And I have heard his friends and his own brother tell him they have no idea how I am still around with the way we are living. Their wives would have done left them. And one actually did because he wouldnt listen or talk to her about stuff that needed to be talked about. He learned though and they now are working on their relationship.

Think if I act like a 3 year old or have a on/off button with a bright screen on my forehead he will pay attention to me?  

kle1986

 If he wants to feel bad all the time then fine but Im not gonna listen to it anymore.

At the risk of sounding totally corny..."You go girl!"

 Hide the computer power cord.  And the TV cable just in case.  Keep it hidden for a while. Say you will give it back if he will go see the doctor and send Samantha away to grandma's or a friends.   No, don't really do that, it is not good to play games with a spouse, but you need to get him to do something.  Something is wrong with him and he doesn't want to admit it.  He may be scared to admit it.  He wants to be the man of the house who can take care of his little wife and child and be self sufficient.  Men don't like having to ask for help.  They are more stubborn than a mule ever thought about being.

Aina

 Hide the computer power cord.  And the TV cable just in case.  Keep it hidden for a while. Say you will give it back if he will go see the doctor and send Samantha away to grandma's or a friends.  

I have done that before. He said he knows where the nearest computer store is. 

Aina

 Hide the computer power cord.  And the TV cable just in case.  Keep it hidden for a while. Say you will give it back if he will go see the doctor and send Samantha away to grandma's or a friends.   No, don't really do that, it is not good to play games with a spouse, but you need to get him to do something.  Something is wrong with him and he doesn't want to admit it.  He may be scared to admit it.  He wants to be the man of the house who can take care of his little wife and child and be self sufficient.  Men don't like having to ask for help.  They are more stubborn than a mule ever thought about being.

actually i think that is a good idea! sounds like JJ seriously needs to get things into perspective!

it sounds to me like you are giving into him too easily and he's gotten used to it! i really think you need to put your foot down! what you describe is not a situation anyone can live in for very long. if he doesnt realize that he has to do his part in the relationship, then you guys are going to fail! gosh, i know this isnt something you wanna hear, but you need to do SOMETHING to get him to understand!

now, i am a patient person, but i do get quite extreme, when i am pushed too hard! if this was me, i would stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, etc! if he isnt going to act like he belongs to a family (and yes, a family includes YOU as well) then he shouldnt have a part of it.

i'm not saying you should do that, but it sounds to me, like you gotta do something extreme to get him to take you seriously. dont let it go on! it wont just go away, it will get worse! dont just complain! DO something!

so sorry you have to go through this!

Do you have any family or a good friend that you could go stay with for a few days and not tell him where you are going?  Take Samantha and the dogs and just go.  Let him fend for himself.  I would not wake him up for work - he is a big boy.  I would let him do his own laundry.  Your job is not to be his caretaker - you are his wife, an equal partner. 

How does his father treat his mother?  How did your father treat your mother?  We often end up in relationships with similar types of people because it is what we know - we are comfortable and know how to cope.  It sounds, to me, that you've reached your break point.  Try to find a local Women's Aid type service or contact the Dept of Community Mental Health - they can often refer you to low-cost counseling.  Go for you.  Getting through this will hurt, but you can be a good example for your daughter because eventually she will mimic the relationship she sees.  We don't want to, but we do it anyway.

I'm not saying leave him, but help yourself - you are worth it!

Like others have said, committed relationships don't just happen, they take work.  Sometimes I can be like JJ in that I work full time plus other part time freelance stuff I do and often I'd rather watch TV alone than go to the bar w/ DH's friends or go watch him play sports when I have to sit there with people I don't know.  We try to keep a balance of me keeping my sanity and needing my "alone time" but me also respecting his interests and at least being somewhat involved.  Last week I went to his softball game to watch and then on Friday I had some things I had planned to get done but he told me his friend was moving to Seattle this week so I hung out with them even though I don't know him well at all.  But these things are important to him so I try to be involved here or there.  Not everyone is as independent as I am.  DH has never seen me and Kenya show or compete despite the fact we've been in many shows now.  I personally don't care b/c I know he's not into the dog thing and the last thing I need at a difficult show is a clingy husband.  But I realize I'm probably in the minority as far as keeping myself entertained even though I'm married, so I often have to make myself more available to DH and be involved in what he's doing.  

kle1986

 The only way I can get him to get out of the house is if I can find something to do that all of us can do. But me mention going to the movies or out to eat just the two of us is not gonna happen. He wont do it.

Examples:Ask him to go to the fair with me because I dont wanna go alone. No he doesnt feel like being around all those people. Ok do you want to take Samantha to the fair so she can ride stuff? Sure why not. When do you want to leave?  Wanna go see a movie? No I will wait till it's on dvd. Wanna take Samantha to see kung foo panda? Not really but you done mentioned it to her so lets go. Wanna go to the lake this weekend with our friends?  No not really into sleeping outside. Samantha and I are going to the lake this weekend with so and so. Ok I will take off and go with you all.   Get it yet?
 

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to do what you suggest, but he'll put himself out for his daughter.  He sounds like a great dad! 

Tell him: "I want to do something next weekend, all three of us.  What do you fancy doing?"  Maybe throw in a few suggestions, if his imagination is struggling, but give him a chance to think about it and let him choose something he would like to do.

When you get in, go give him a kiss.  Tell him how pleased you are to see him.  Tell him you've missed him.  Tell him you want to, er, *CENSORED*.  Actions speak louder than words, right?  Treat others as you would like to be treated  

Men are a lot like dogs.  You need to be patient and consistent and give this ^ ^ ^  some time to work.  Also, if they do something you don't like, you either have to IGNORE IT or you have to let them know IMMEDIATELY that you don't like it.  But you have to stay calm, cool headed and concise.  No ranting or lecturing.  Getting emotional, angry etc. generally won't work.  It will just baffle them and they won't take you seriously. 

Also, it is EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to let them know when you LIKE what they are doing.  Positive reinforcement principals work on people too.  Trust me.  Finding out what motivates a man is not hard.  All you got to do is stroke their ego a little.  This is like liver treats to a labrador, seriously. 

You LIKE it that he is so good with Samantha, right?  Let him know that!  If he knows he can, er, earn your praise, admiration and respect by doing things you like, he'll start doing more stuff for you.....  See what I'm getting at? 

Let me give you a hint.  The leaving your burgers to cook thing?  I can COMPLETELY see where you are coming from.  But here's a way you could've turned it round to make it positive.  THANK him for getting it started!  Touch his arm and say his name and when he looks at you, SMILE genuinely and say "thanks hun, for getting the dinner going.  I appreciate it."  A kiss wouldn't go amiss. 

Now, SOMETIMES, when I am cooking, I have also been known to pull that trick on my other half.  I've got Will to sort out, so sometimes I'll leave him to finish his off because, well I only got one pair of hands.  I used to try to do it all and felt guilty if I didn't serve his up properly, but I've since learned that I am not, after all, Wonderwoman and it won't kill him to do it.  At this stage in Will's life, he needs my attention more than DH needs me to do every last little thing for him when I'm cooking dinner.    I know it's a little different for you, because it sounds like you do most of the cooking so when he does do it, I can see why you'd want him to do as much as you do when you do it..... but I'm trying to make you see how you can make positives out of seemingly-negatives.

In addition to the books Janet Rose suggested, I'd also suggest DONT SHOOT THE DOG.  I think its by Karen Pryor.  It's not really about dog training.... it's about how positive training works, and WHY it usually works better than other methods.  And there are plenty of practical examples of how you can use it in your dealings with family, colleagues etc.  Mine is a happier marriage since I read that book. 

I'm sorry things are rough. Relationships are complex beasts.

One thing stood out to me - you had a dad who barely paid you any attention, and now you have a husband who doesn't either. Perhaps you put up with as much as you do because in some way it feels "normal" (if unpleasant).

Big hugs.