Men Dating In Our 40's

 i dont think age is the issue for this guy. it is the fact that most 40-ish women dont meet his other guidelines.

FourIsCompany

10. If you're over forty or ever plan on being over 40, don't even look my way! I'm sick of old women trying to make me their sugar daddy... etc.

Having dated in my 40's, IME, that is EXACTLY what most women in the market are looking for.

 ETA:  I think most women we are talking about here are, in many ways, like my ex-wife. 

We were married right out of high school.  I was 19, she was 17.  We were married for almost 25 years.  For most of our married life, she didn't work.  The problem is, she didn't take advantage of the opportunity she had to get an education.  She absolutely counted on the fact that we would be together for the rest of our lives and that I would provide for her financial security.  I always had.  She saw no reason for that to change.

She has no education and no job skills.  The only work she can find pays only slightly better than minimum wage.  When my child support ends in another year, she will be screwed.  She already has been screwed, to an extent, because one of the children we had when we divorced has been emancipated, so her child support is half what it was.  She has no retirement and no savings.  If she can't find herself a man, which I am certain is a high priority for her, she will be working until she dies.  She will be one of those 75 year old women you see working the drive-up at McDonalds.

Point being, being a gold digger or looking for a sugar daddy is a necessity for many women.  They don't see that they have many other options.  The man who made the list we are discussing is simply making it clear he isn't interested in a woman like my ex.

FourIsCompany

Maybe that should be on his list...

10. If you're over forty or ever plan on being over 40, don't even look my way! I'm sick of old women trying to make me their sugar daddy... etc.  

You forgot number eleven.

11.  I'm happy just the way I am.  You don't need to try to improve me.  Nagging won't help it only hurts.  Of course this really applies after they have their hooks in you and have attached the ball and chain.

 i dunno.... no offense to any 40 year old women.. as i am NOT yet one... seems like a 40 year old woman is very much set in her ways... kids are, for the most part, grown.. no toddlers or infants anyway.. and they are fairly self reliant.. only looking for a companion.... and not interested in any major changes in lifestyle like living in the same house, marriage, or even co-signing on a car loan lol

now there is a myth that women over forty are NOT interested in sex because of the "Change"... but i've heard otherwise...  i think that differs from each individual.... my husband, when we met, was under the impression/had be told by other guys that girls in their twenties were not interested in sex.. not like 20 year old boys... so when he met me.. well..... heh....
and for a man in his position (my husband's, not this other guy) he still wanted kids.... a forty year old woman would run screaming in the other direction at the very thought of raising babies again lol

probe1957

I never date a woman who feels the need to tout her own independence. First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity.   Second, if you are that independent, why are you looking for a relationship in the first place? Independence is the opposite of dependence and being able to depend on others is why we get into relationships of any kind in the first place.

probe1957

I loved my wife deeply, she decided she no longer loved me and she wasn't "happy".

probe1957

1. I never seriously date a woman who terminated her last relationship because she wasn't "happy". Happiness is an emotional response to external stimuli. To break the vow of "til' death do us part" over an emotional state that may or may not be another person's fault,

I'm guessing it was largely his fault his ex wife was not happy.  He expects his partner to be dependant on him, but then blames his ex WIFE for BEING dependant on him in part for her own happiness.  That is just unfair and stupid.

Don't get me wrong, no one should be totally dependant on someone else for their own happiness, but if you are sharing your LIFE with someone, you both have to make sacrifices.  You're not going to agree about every little thing, so there has to be give on BOTH sides.  When I was in a position where I was "giving" generously but there was no "giving" in return, I became very unhappy.  The relationship became stagnant.  I became even more unhappy.  I then had a choice - spend my life with this person and continue to "give" but get nothing back.... or leave him, live where I want to live, get a job doing what I want to do, really and truly be responsible for my own happiness.

Now I am in a situation where I "give" lots.... but I get lots back.  This marriage will never end because I'm not "Happy" - because I know my DH is willing to "give" where necessary to HELP me be happy.  I love him dearly and therefore he makes me very happy indeed!  I think I make him happy too.  If we don't make one another happy, then surely there is something wrong with the relationship?

 i couldnt trust someone who is unwilling to communicate that they are unhappy (no matter the reason).... i mean if my husband storms into the house and says "I'm not happy with you!!" and storms out again... i'd like to know why... at what point did he become unhappy with me? can i fix it to make him happy? is he being selfish or unrealistic with his happiness demands? And what about me? am i happy or unhappy at this point? am i oblivious to his unhappiness? do i care?

you dont just become so unhappy you want a divorce in one day.. barring extreme situations... our money situation SUCKS big time.. my husband's job sucks.. the pay sucks even more.. the location of where we live sucks compared to where we used to live... and sometimes, staying home 24/7 with two toddlers sucks because, besides the forum, i have no friends. its rather lonely here and the locals arent very welcoming...

but we both agreed on what we wanted. we agreed this situation will not last. and we agreed to help each other through the suckiness.

now in regards to giving and not receiving in a relationship.. i can understand that. my cousin was in a similar situation. she was married ten years to a man who was in love with his computer... he would complain if she insisted on quality family time... when she wanted marriage counseling to fix their relationship he didnt see a problem.. it was all in her head.... he was happy being a reclusive nerd.. but she wasnt...  BUT they both knew he was a reclusive nerd and that she was an outgoing active traveller when they first met! BEFORE they had kids, BEFORE marriage..... she was mad to expect him to change, and likewise to him.... thing is... if they had been more discriminating during the dating phase they wouldnt have to deal with the situation they're in now...

some people lack foresight... they cant see past next week in a relationship... and suddenly when there is a problem they get upset and want to leave, thinking there will ALWAYS be a problem.. well.. yeah..duh... if there is NEVER a debate or argument in any relationship then someone is getting stepped on (maybe they are afraid to rock the boat? or dont know HOW to rock the boat) then one day they snap and they just leave... while their mate is totally oblivious that there was a problem in the first place... they never complained! they never said they were unhappy or uncomfortable about certain situations.....

people just need to speak up.... yeah its gonna be weird at first, but it usually gets better eventually... better to have weirdness in the first month of dating than on your freakin ten year anniversary! 

Chuffy, now that you point this out, I have something to add...

probe1957

First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity.

This is NOT true. I'm a VERY independent person (just ask my husband) and I wanted to be in a union. Independent does not mean that someone doesn't need or want other people sharing her life. It just means that she can take care of herself, knows what she wants and is capable of getting it by her own means.

I had my own home and a very successful career when I met my husband. In fact, he moved in with me. He didn't have any problem with me being independent. He wanted an independent woman.  

Hmmmm… Interesting conversation.  This is all based on someone’s PERSONAL opinion on what they want in a dating partner. Anyone who has dated enough knows that 99.999% of people don’t fit what you are looking for in a partner and you don’t fit what they want in a partner. That is what makes finding the RIGHT partner so unique.  I appreciate knowing what someone wants going into it and if I don’t fit what they are looking for then I appreciate knowing that upfront and not wasting my time.

Perhaps if we were all so blunt as the guy who wrote the post, then not so much time would be wasted and feelings hurt.  Just a theory!

FourIsCompany

Your blank isn't made of gold

Mine's not gold-plated but it glows in the dark, a side effect of doing electrical work on energized circuits.

A couple of things.

It's good to have a list but I see these kind of lists as a means of weeding people out, rather than finding them. When you find someone to be with, lists are simply there in case you run out of toilet paper.

I'm weak in the knees when it comes to women. After my first wife passed away, I said I'd never marry again. I met my second wife in 1993 and we've been married since 2000. So, I can't imagine my life without being with a woman. Even if I don't get all the sex I want all the time. Accidently sounding sensitive but you've got to have something to talk about or do the other 23 hours and 50 minutes if the day.

I think the guy that published that list is just wearing his hurt on his sleeve.

jjsmom06

Perhaps if we were all so blunt as the guy who wrote the post, then not so much time would be wasted and feelings hurt.  Just a theory!

I'll ditto that and add that if people were as openly opinionated, IRL as they were on 'net lists they'd likely all have a lot less in the way of friends and confidantes LOL. Very easy to nit pick someone you've never met, about something you haven't experienced from their angle. But we all do it...myself included.

ron2

I think the guy that published that list is just wearing his hurt on his sleeve.

No kidding! He probably shouldn't date seriously until he can open his heart again and trust somebody.

FourIsCompany

Chuffy, now that you point this out, I have something to add...

probe1957

First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity.

This is NOT true. I'm a VERY independent person (just ask my husband) and I wanted to be in a union. Independent does not mean that someone doesn't need or want other people sharing her life. It just means that she can take care of herself, knows what she wants and is capable of getting it by her own means.

Yep, got to agree with you there. I'm independent too. I've been self sufficient since I was 17 years old (I'm 48), and have worked since before I met my hubby. I had my own checking and credit card accounts, and still do, and I handle the finances because frankly, I'm better with money than he is. And he'll be the first one to admit it! Just because I don't NEED him in the financial sense doesn't mean that I don't love him and value his companionship, and want very much to spend the rest of my life with him.

He seems to be confused about feminism too. It's not about women being better than men, it's about women being equal to men, and if he's got a problem with that, he has a tiny little ego.....and maybe a tiny little too.  

Okay, here’s my version of the craigslist guy’s posting:

I’m looking for a dependent woman to date because I like having all the power - women are inferior to men and they should just get used to that idea. But not too dependent, because I’m only looking for some casual sex and don’t really want to make any kind of investment in a relationship, either emotional, or financial. You want somebody to love you, get a dog. And you’d better be able to support yourself because I sure won’t. You want something nice, buy it yourself.

Even though I’m no prize, a 40+ year old divorced guy with kids, that doesn’t mean I can’t expect that YOU’LL be young, slim, and attractive. No fat chicks, and no mom with kids living at home. I won’t date a women who puts her kids first because I want a woman who is available whenever it’s convenient for me, and besides, you won’t ever come first with me anyway.

And speaking of sex, you’d better put out, in any way I want and whenever I want, or I’ll find someone else who will. It better be okay with you if I go out to bars to get drunk and pick up chicks, but I won’t date the kind of women who goes to bars, because they’re too stupid to know that’s what we’re there for.

Yeah, women will be lining up for this guy, lol! 

Ok I am a woman in my fifties.  If I end up unmarried I will likely stay alone out of choice... I sure could have fun being a cougar though,,,,wonder if I will be rich enough LOL

Happiness is rather important. And you have to look after your own to a large extent. I've been wrong about a relationship before and discovered I was desperately unhappy. I tried to make him dump me, but he wouldn't, so I had to be the bad guy and dump him or I'd be unhappy for the rest of my life. There's a point where you have to decide whether it's worth being in a relationship, and it's not if you aren't happy and you know your partner can't make you happy. Having said that, I'm desperately unhappy in my relationship now, but I know it's temporary and not related to my partner. He's doing everything he can to help me be happy.

I think lists are good, but probably useless when all is said and done. My list ends up with "Is my soulmate" at the top, and I only know one person who fills that criteria. I knew a guy who had a list like that and quite callously told me that I didn't rate that well, but that I rated the best out of anyone he knew. He thought he was in love with me despite me not being what his list said I should be. He stopped talking to me when I refused to never speak of my boyfriend in his presence and has cut me and our 4 years of deep friendship out of his life as if he never knew me. That list didn't help him much, and nor did it do me any favours.