My husband is a REALLY BIG turd.

<<ower tools>>

Yeah and CAR parts!!! I got a rear intake manifold gasket one year for Christmas and driving lights another and was ECSTATIC about them.  Girlfriends (all of them!) thought I was weird...[&:]

DH works, and does the vacuuming and dishes and I do the yardwork and cook and watch the kiddos.

I do the dishes and vacuuming and take care of dinner quite a bit. I do my own laundry and sometimes assist with DWs. I mow the yard and she tends to the finer bits of planting, etc. I dig big holes when she needs. Shadow digs but I haven't trained as to where we need it, though. Speaking of which, I do the majority of dog training. I do minor maintenance on the vehicles. We both worked on cleaning out the garage. We both work. I work outside in the elements but she works in retail in a very busy department, so both of are jobs are quite physical. Lately, I've cleaned the bathrooms. In the kitchen, I've cleaned the broiler and the stove top.

We each do what we can and I have no problem with her reminding me to do something, if it slipped my mind.

Man, it's tough being perfect.[]

Yeah, and pity the poor guy around the water cooler who is forced to admit that he bought his wife a table saw for Christmas!  The other guys are grousing about the expensive jewelry and mine has to admit to a table saw!  I finally taught him to say that Glenda would kill me if I spent money on earrings that she wouldn't wear instead of getting her power tools that she'll use a lot....she's cheap about stuff like that and doesn't see value in something shiney over something utilitarian.....

ORIGINAL: cyclefiend2000

i am not saying i dont help out around the house, and i think all husbands should help with the chores. however, a list is pretty degrading. that is what my mom did when i was a kid. i am an adult now. i know what needs to be done around the house, and i will do my share in my time.

think of it this way... what if your husband gave you a list of chores to do? how well would that be received? i know it would not go over too well in my house.

Does your wife get the same privilege?  I think it's pretty demeaning for someone to be told by their partner basically that their wishes are so insignificant that they have to wait until their partner decides what is their share and also decides when the task will be done.  Apparently you are the BOSS, if that's how it works, rather than a PARTNER. 
Notice that my suggestion was that EACH partner had a list.  []


That being said, I can identify with the power tools thing.  I actually ASK for them sometimes (and he gets them for me).  I probably have a better stocked tool chest than most men.

I have a real problem with the word "HELP".  That would imply that it is all the womans job and that the man is being a good guy and lending a hand.  Not so.  In a partnership, such as a marriage or relationship is supposed to be it is equal responsibility.  If DS is out of town, as he has been lately, DH ALWAYS does the dishes and cleans up the kitchen at night.  But, when something breaks, again if DS is out of town, it's usually ME that fixes it.
 
I make lists for MYSELF all the time.  If I don't, I forget. It used to me that when I saw a nose print on a window, I'd just clean it.  These days I don't often have the little bit of extra energy that it takes so it goes on the list.  And DH quite often will glance at  MY list and do something from it. What a treat to see something crossed off the darned thing that I didn't do......

That being said, I can identify with the power tools thing. I actually ASK for them sometimes (and he gets them for me). I probably have a better stocked tool chest than most men.

 
I have a better stocked chest than most men too.  But not a tool chest.

I agree with you on the word HELP Glenda.  Now, when I was home and DH was working it was a different story - I had nothing else to do all day BUT clean and I didn't expect him to lift a finger.  Now that the baby is here, it's a bit different because looking after Will IS a full time job, albeit most of the time a pleasant one... I just find I don't have the TIME anymore.  I dont begrudge Will that time at all because he wont be little long.  I think DH understands this and does a few things here and there but after so long of not doing anything around the house, he has to adjust too!
 
Ladies, just be fair and specific about what you want.  Just like dogs really.  Also, like toddlers, give them a CHOICE.  Eg "I need to fold the washing, put another load on, cook the dinner, feed the dogs, tidy up, strip the beds, ya da ya da ya da ya da.... Do you think you could you do the dishes?  Or would you rather vaccuum?"  How can he say no?

DH and I sort of had this problem when we first moved in together. Part of the issue for us was that somewhere along the line he managed to develop the bizarre belief that TIDYING is the same as CLEANING. It's not. Just because it looks neat, that doesn't mean it's actually CLEAN.

I explained to him one day how important it is to me for things to be clean AND tidy, and for everything to have a place. He gets now that it is less work to keep the house looking nice if everything has a spot where it should be. Plus I really just hate clutter.

I general, I do much more of the housework than DH does - but that's OK, since I work from home and he doesn't, guaranteed I make more of the mess, simply because I spend more time in the house. Nevertheless, if we are both home and I start cleaning, he will get up and start cleaning as well.

Take yesterday for an example: I have been very busy recently, and sick the past few days, so our bedroom was looking a little neglected. I started tidying up and after stripping the bed took the sheets downstairs to put them in the washing machine. Although he had been watching a movie when I went upstairs to clean, when I came down with the sheets he was in the kitchen, doing the dishes. I didn't need to ask him, and for that matter I never do ask him to clean the house, because asking him isn't my job. He's a grownup and in fact, he owns the house, so I am not going to go round requesting his assistance in keeping his own house clean. If I wasn't here, he'd have to clean the whole damn thing, so he's getting off lightly by me doing any of it at all.

We do play to our strengths. DH does yardwork because it gives him a sense of achievement, I change the sheets on the bed because I am much better than he is at getting the duvet into the cover. We both know that, and it fills him with relief if I do it. I put together furniture and hang shelves and stuff like that because again, I am better at it. He is way better than I am at reaching up to change lightbulbs, carrying heavy trash bags and putting stuff up in the attic, so he does that. We both vaccuum, do dishes, and do laundry as needed.

When it comes to something like packing for a trip, all bets are off. We do what needs to be done and if I need him to do something that he hasn't thought of, he gets TOLD to do it - in a nice tone of voice, yes, but still told. He knows I wouldn't tell him unless I wasn't absolutely busy with something else, and asking him to do it implies he has a choice. If it's 11 pm and we're catching a plane in 8 hours, he doesn't have a choice. That's not all one sided, though, because in circumstances like that he tells me to do stuff too.

He does have some VERY infuriating household habits, though. I can't count the number of occasions when we were going somewhere and he tells me he's ready to go and is acting impatient, so I grab my shoes and my keys and am standing by the front door when he suddenly remembers he wants to put on a load of laundry/defrag his hard drive/cook a lasagne before we go out. Sigh.

Apparently you are the BOSS

obviously you have never been to my house. my wife has just as much right to voice her opinions as do i. i dont like chore lists. sorry this offends some. i dont give her lists and i dont expect to be handed a list of chores either.

I have a real problem with the word "HELP".

sorry for using such a common euphamism. i must not be up to date on all my PC terms and phrases.

And DH quite often will glance at  MY list and do something from it. What a treat to see something crossed off the darned thing that I didn't do......

so what would you call that other than helping out?

I would never hand my husband a list of stuff to do because I wouldn't like him to do it to me. He can figure out what needs to be done on his own, he doesn't need me nagging him to pull his weight. If I need help with something, I tell him I need help, he does the same too.  There is no boss in our house and just because I wouldn't demean him by writing out a list of chores for him to do doesn't mean I think he is my boss. He would find it demeaning as I would if it was done to me. Wouldn't bother some, but I know it would bother me.  He is a grown man, not a small boy that needs his mom to write down his chores.  If our work was getting built up and he asked me to write down what needs to be done around here so he doesn't forget come the week-end, that is different, I just wouldn't give him one and say this is what I want you to do. If he ever handed me a list and said Linda this is what you have to do around here, he would get an earful from me. If  he said Linda can you vacuum the pool if you get time this week, he would get  "no problem" or " I have a busy week, I don't know if I will get to it"  It is all in how it is presented to me.
 

That to me is sharing the responsibilities and the burdens and being thoughtful enough to take a job he knows I'm not fond of doing and doing it FOR me.
 
Disliking the word HELP goes way, way back for me....back to my first life with the butt head.  So it isn't something current or PC....it just IS that a marriage is a partnership and with a partnership comes equal responsibilities.

Well, we're back, and despite our rocky start had a pretty nice weekend.  He played with the Poppet all weekend, took her down waterslides, etc, as I can't.  He pretty much took care of her all weekend while I did the getting us out the door every morning and making sure the diaper/swim bag was packed...for which I'm extremely grateful.  My mom was along, as well, and got pretty annoying and rather than pick fights with her about our being the parents and her being the grandmother he helped me with just getting away for a little bit with the Poppet without seeming like we were avoiding my mom.  [sm=happy.gif]  We also gave out our first spanking this weekend, and it killed me to do it.  I was crying right along with the Poppet and hubby was very supportive and sympathetic afterwards.  I never wanted to have to spank her, but she ran across the road again after about 2 months of working with her not to.  I've tried every other method to keep her close to me, I had been carrying her most of the time but that doesn't actually teach her anything--and I can't carry her every time we cross the road or walk in a parking lot.  But that's another story.  [sm=happy.gif]

As for getting the hubby to realize that everything in the home is not just my responsibility, I've tried it all.  Most of my frustration Thursday night stemmed from the fact that I had asked him to do the things I needed him to do very politely, I had them on a list to get done (not a 'his' list, but a master list of things that needed to be done before we left) I had impressed upon him early in the week that we had a lot to do, and when I brought it back up around 10pm on Thursday night (after he kept telling me that he would do certain things) he screamed at me and told me that he would do it when I stopped bugging him about it, and yelled that I was an (expletive) nag.  He did finally come upstairs to pack his things when I told him that I expected to be in bed soon and it needed to be done.  Friday morning saw him cleaning out the litter boxes, taking out the garbage, etc.  We left much later than intended, and much more tired than intended, which definitely put a crimp in our plans for the day.  The lawn hasn't been completely mowed in about 2 weeks at this point. [sm=happy.gif]

Usually we sit down to talk about household/financial/other responsibilites and he's all in favor of getting issues ironed out, but then after about five minutes decides that he 'doesn't want to talk about this right now' and we put it off yet again.  I've asked him several times how he wants me to handle letting him know what needs to be done because I know and he's told me that he forgets to do things that need to be done.  I've asked him if he wants me to make a list, if he wants me to keep reminding him, or...?  So far we haven't been able to work anything out and I am worried with the Balach on the way if it will just get worse with two kiddos for me to take care of instead of one. 

He's already agreed to get up with the Poppet if she wakes up in the middle of the night as she does on rare ocassion, but we'll see how that goes. 

It just frustrates me that he can go from someone who is so fun and outgoing and silly, to someone screaming, scary, mean, and unreasonable so quickly.  I've tried just asking him to stop calling me names and come back and talk to me later about what is bugging him but he gets more mad if I do that.  And a 250lb 6'4" guy screaming at you, even if you know he's not going to get physical, can be pretty scary.  I get more reactive when I'm tired which makes things worse, as well. 

Anyway, I'm being called to story time, so I'll continue conversation later!

someone who is so fun and outgoing and silly, to someone screaming, scary, mean, and unreasonable so quickly. I've tried just asking him to stop calling me names

This worries me, friend.

Paula

ORIGINAL: paulaedwina

someone who is so fun and outgoing and silly, to someone screaming, scary, mean, and unreasonable so quickly. I've tried just asking him to stop calling me names

This worries me, friend.

Paula

 
I thought the same thing when I read that. [&:]
 
Joyce