My husband is a REALLY BIG turd.

I also want to mention that he's ADD and does take medication for that...his moods improve a lot when he keeps up with them, but sometimes he does run out (and doesn't tell me so I can remind him to pick up more) and he'll be worse.  He just doesn't know how to ration his anger very well.  I'm hoping it's something we can work on together, and soon.

ORIGINAL: keedokes

I also want to mention that he's ADD and does take medication for that...his moods improve a lot when he keeps up with them, but sometimes he does run out (and doesn't tell me so I can remind him to pick up more) and he'll be worse.  He just doesn't know how to ration his anger very well.  I'm hoping it's something we can work on together, and soon.

This gives me comfort, Jessica. You are aware and working on it. I would have been more worried if you said something like "it's not as bad as it sounds".  BTW his ADD would explain why he can't stay on task.

Paula

you know what?  my husband has an awful mean streak, too.  the "name calling" thing is a problem at my house.  you're not the only one struggling with that.  it's childish and immature, and neither me nor my husband can figure out how to stop it.  i don't know where he learned it, because it certainly wasn't from me...
 
anyway, that picture is GORGEOUS......

the name calling thing is something my husband and i agreed to never do - though we do anyway but only out of fun and games.
but since we have a kid that is learning to speak (he already learned how to say his grandmother's favourite bad word!!![:@])
we have to tone it down some. and this kid is VERY sensitive to emotions. if he sees you upset or crying he gets upset and
cries too. his dad once inhaled a piece of food and nearly choked on it, but just the sight of his dad hacking and coughing
scared the dickens out of the poor boy. It didnt take long for me to realise we needed to tone ourselves down when
we started play fighting and Cajah was sitting stock still staring at us with this like as if he was either on the verge of tears
or panic.....

it bugs me when i see people fight in front of their kids because those little minds are soaking it up like sponges.
if they see mom and dad call names they will too.

and yeah my husband called me the "expletive" nag before too lol but i've got my own pet names for him
when he does that. but again its usually out of fun, but we've gotten so used to it that its hard to stop. even
though we agreed we would never do it out of anger, doing it for fun can be just as bad in the eyes of a child.

Take this in context of my not having a husband or children.

I think kids should see their parents argue, and resolve issues. I think it's just as scary to sense that people aren't happy with each other but hiding it, as it is to see them come to blows or use verbal abuse. I say this from my experience as a kid and adult. I was never comfortable with people me or each other for fear that violence would ensue (physical or verbal) because of my upbringing. It took understanding that I didn't know how to fight (or be angry) and watch friends get mad at each other, argue without killing each other, resolve stuff and still love each other to realize what tools I was missing.

I think kids learn alot from seeing how their parents interract with each other; they learn about tools, about how much weight  being angry could be, how to fight, what's fair, whether fighting is the end of the world, etc. I have a  girlfriend who, any time she and her boyfriend argue, she' s sick to tears it means he's going to leave her. I think it's because her dad was a real pieceof work when it came to anger issues and like me, when her family fought, it meant something bad was going to happen.

Paula

I think kids should see their parents argue, and resolve issues.

 
Paula...I believe the same. Life isn't perfect. Solving conflicts...and indeed HAVING conflicts is a fact of life. DH and I have had disagreements in front of the kids, tho not on purpose lol...and Lily has gotten teary and upset about it (Elias could care less haha!). That usually leads to group hugs...explanations she can understand about getting angry...loving a person...and how one doesn't necessarily preclude or permanently affect the other. In the way she fights with her brother...I might argue with her Dad, and vice versa. Doesn't change the way you feel inside about a person...or that you are family, forever...and will always take care of one another.
 
It helps that we don't do it often...and it's certainly not expletive filled or name calling type of stuff...it's just back and forth...sometimes raising in volume. In the same manner we don't hold back affection with each other (DH and myself)...hugs, kisses, hand holding etc. Lily's to the age where she gets 'grossed out' by it but LOL...she's seeing it. I think that is positive.

I'm coming in late, but I spent literally years waiting for DH to realize that helping out around the house even if it wasn't his personal priority was an issue of respect to me. I can't live in filthy disgusting house. I've been known to get up in the middle of the night because even though the room is dark, I know it's a mess and I can't sleep until I've tidied up a bit. Chaos in my house leads to chaos in my head. DH knows how I feel. Yet he still wouldn't step up. And that to me felt like a personal snub to my needs. I tried explaining it as such: when you blow off housework, to me it feels like you are saying my needs are not as valid as your needs. There was a lot of nodding and pensive goatee-stroking, but not much changed.

My big battle with him is that he sees himself as somehow entitled to as much free time as he wants. When he was in a very stressful job, I found that hard to argue with but still, I work outside the home too and he's not an infant. He chose that line of work of his own free will and if he couldn't handle it (he couldn't) along with the his other responsibilities, he could get out of it (he did). The universe does not owe him anything, especially not free time all the time.

One thing that has frequently worked for us is not handing him a list, but making a list of ALL the chores that need to be done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. And then both of us signing up for them. Or, initialing as they've been done. That way, everything gets divided equitably and there's some room to choose which tasks you're better at or find less awful. And if you're just crossing off and initialing, if there's an inequity it's right there in black and white for all to see and impossible to deny. I make lists for myself, somewhat compulsively, so it's not like this is that artificial of a thing for me to do.

It is interesting that men feel that they deserve all the free time that they want...but when the women want free time...uh god forbid...
Staying home and running  the house...cleaning and etc...as well as raising three kids isn't easy...
Especially when I am the one who does all of that....it is stressful and all I want is a couple of hours at the barn with my horse..well then if I want to do that I never get to go alone since the kids love going too.  The only time I have to myself is when I sleep, lol.

I think the problem is woman just don't take the free time. I have a lot of free time now, but when the kids were little, I had a lot  less, but I had no qualms about taking it when I needed it. I'd go meet a friend for coffee when Mike got home, he can take care of the kids as well as I could. If I wanted to spend some time on-line or put my feet up and watch a movie, I would, he was around to take care of his kids.

Sort of like when he's sick, I pick up the slack and take care of him also.  But I spent two days on the couch and he nearly had a nervous breakdown.  Geez.
 
The other day, I came home and noticed the central air was on.  I asked him, "Do you have the air on?"  He said that yes, he did.  Then I asked him, "With the windows all open?"  He replied that he didn't notice that they were open.  Um, OPEN YOUR EYES?!?  Sheesh.

I'm the one that uses the vacuum, we both do dishes, i cook 95% of the time, she cleans the bathroom, we both do laundry but she folds the clothes 80% of the time, i guess we are kind of even
 
By the way we never cloge the toilet, first of all we have some sort of bidet (actually is a garden whose with a "pistol" at the end) which is great and highly recommended, and second the toilet paper goes to the trash can, not the toilet, the toilet paper is ractically clean after using the "bidet" anyway []

the thing that bugs me the most is when he and i agreed that he handled yard stuff and i handled house stuff. we BOTH landscape and both decide where to plant things. but in the house he is just the mule. i tell him where i want furniture put and most of the time he complies... but .. in the kitchen... i'm gonna hit him with the frying pan one day i swear it!
i am short, 5'1" without shoes to be exact, so i like things where i can reach them. i also like things close by, or basically just where i want them. but when he comes in to cook on the odd occasion he wants to move my stuff to suit him. i could understand him wanting to move things if he was to participate in more than half of the cooking done around here, but no.
of course when he gets into that mood where he wants to rearrange things i tell him he can either put it back when he's done or HE can be Head Chef from now on and i'll just be happy with a sandwich from now on. not like i couldnt stand to go on a diet anyway.
that USUALLY works....
but as for arguing, thats when we argue most, when its meal time. i think our sons are going to grow up believing they were raised by wolves... just as wolves fight over their meals, so do we lol  for the most part we all get along great until its time to decide whats for dinner, how to cook it, and who gets what pieces lol

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ORIGINAL: dubilpie

I think the problem is woman just don't take the free time.

Yes. Men are better at attending to their needs than women are. We ask men to learn lessons form our empathy, here's one lesson we could learn men! (PS, here's a hint: men don't ask for permission to meet their needs, they just do it!)

Examples:

When a man's hungry, he eats. When a woman's hungry, first she offers food to everyone else in the house, makes a shopping list, cleans the sink, then makes sure x and y are done ... yadda yadda, then gets a hunger headache ... then eats - cranky.

When a man's sleepy, he sleeps. When a woman's sleepy, first she makes sure the doors are locked and the lights are out, writes a to do list for tomorrow, straightens the couch cushions, remembers that she forgot to do x and y and yadda yadda ... gets to bed an hour or two later - cranky.

When a man wants sex, he asks for it. When a woman wants sex, first she .... - cranky. You get the picture! []

I like to think of all this as the logic of instinct (and it works for me). We need the reproducing member of the species to be other-centered (men should appreciate that and help out). We need a dedicated member of the species to be good decision makers who aren't affected by external influences (women should appreciate this and help out).

i always thought the differences were because men are the hunters and women are the gatherers []

i think it also depends who your man is and what agreement you have together.
i lock my husband out of the house all the time lately... but only because my guard dog is broke....
before... i never locked anything.

of course it was opposite for us. when i was hungry/thirsty i took care of that but got chewed out because i didnt
ask if anyone else wanted anything... well... wasnt that i didnt care, i wasnt thinking... i grew up in a family where
it was self serve - except for on weekends when i visited my dad and my stepmom was the becky home-ecky sort.

and of course my husbands first line was "its all my responcibility anyway" which meant if i didnt clean ANYTHING
ever again... he would. which is just insulting to me personally.... i am physically and mentally able to do a lot of things
so i do them and rarely ask his help...
however ... i SHOULD have stood over him like a school teacher with a ruler and smacked his fingers yesterday while he was
mowing the lawn.... my butterfly bushes are toothpicks now!!