Parental Advice Needed

My granddaughter will turn 3 in May and she back talks to her mom too. All my daughter does is to make her go to her room to time out. Soon you hear Hailee saying I`m sorry mommy. When she gets to come out of her room she is a angel again. So far its working as her time outs are farther apart now.

Madison will stay in her room SCREAMING like someone is killing her.  When she calms down, I'll go ask her if she is ready to come out and she just gives me one of those Go to **** looks and turns her back to me.  I leave her there and after about 30 minutes she comes out and gets right back into trouble

ORIGINAL: jeano

Spanking will probably backfire on you in the end. She'll decide that things that need to be settled can be settled by force, and that means that YOU will be her target.

I cannot say this strongly enough: [b]GET INTO A PARENTING CLASS NOW!

I have a son who was just hell-on-wheels. He's 26 now and constantly apologizes to me for having been so incredibly hard to raise! LOL He was exactly like your daughter. He pushed every limit to the ultimate MAX. He now thanks me for the way I raised him! People constantly told me that he "needed to be whipped with a belt" and other ignorant things. DON'T believe them!

Parenting classes will give you FAR more ways to deal with things than you ever thought possible.
You will also get the support of other parents! You will have someone nearby to talk to, and professional to ask for advice. Please, please look into this and you will be amazed at the help you can get.

I agree.  It's never a bad thing to add to your "training toolbox".  I would just add that I had two boys who were not mine, but came to live with me summers.  I could not hit someone else's kids, but I certainly wasn;t about to be disrespected in my own house.  My simple rule for dealing with them was: say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.  So, I didn't get angry, I just told them what I expected, and what the consequences would be if they disobeyed.  If they disobeyed, they got the consequence, plain and simple.  I think that a lot of parents get to feeling guilty or they don't follow through on threats of discipline (which can be anything from go to your room to no TV tonight).  Consistency is really important. 

I don't have much advice, but know that 3 years old is the age where children are MOST active. This will pass. Consistency is the key. And remember, you are the parent and she is not. Even if you feel weak, she cannot know that. I don't know exactly what to tell you to do, but I know as a mother of two boys, patience is key and I didn't always have it and I still don't. Spanking should be reserved for emergencies where she can hurt herself or if she is in a tantrum and has checked out of reality, a swift spank on the butt and carrying on with your business might help you regain control. But regular, sporadic spanking is going to teach her violence. I'm not saying you sporadically spank her, but know that it will teach her to react in that manner with other people and will ultimately hinder her problem solving skills.

This is the age where as parents, we experience our first obvious slip of control over our children. We have to allow them as much independence as possible so they can develop properly, but we also have to guide them in all that they do and be there to help them avoid getting injured, because this is the age where phyiscal injuries are highest.
Sorry, I'm going to end up going into child development mumbo jumbo because that's what I'm studying in school, and I'm SURE that's not what you want to hear.
Just know that she is discovering her will and she is going to learn from you and she will want to make her own decisions (over tiny things, like food choices and small reaction choices) just like you do.

Oh, and this part is from a parental view point: Choose your battles wisely. This might help when your days seem like you're going from one battle to the next and losing them all.

I know, I suck, I have no REAL advice, but I hope that what I stated helps you know that what you're experiencing is completely normal.

Also, what is she throwing tantrums about?
Is it stuff like being able to dress herself? Or is it just whenever you tell her no?

The idea, I think, is to allow her SOME independence while you maintain the important control.
If it were something like dressing herself, give her options. Allow her to pick out her socks or a shirt. If she were to throw a fit about wanting to wear a tshirt on a really cold day, let her know that it's cold outside and pull out some long sleeved shirts for her to choose from. It may not work at first, but hopefully she'll eventually get that, by being able to choose which shirt she wears (even though her options will be limited), she is able to have some control.
Same with food and drink. She may not want to eat everything you put in front of her or whatever, but tell her if she eats a little of her sandwich and carrots (only an example) she'll be able to have a cookie.

I mean, you may do all of these things already or maybe they're not even issues for you, but if you don't then it's worth a shot. And if these are not issues for you, then what's going on? What is she throwing tantrums over?

ORIGINAL: Xeph
I sure do.  You're one of the first I've "met" that doesn't.

 
Let me be (one of ) the second.

ORIGINAL: Bullymom
I'd rather fuss at her than hit her and Daddy asks noo questions  (you messed up and you get spanked). 

 
The results are clear, to me.  Dad spanks, the child behaves for him.  Mom doesn't spank, the child doesn't behave for her.  Spanking WORKS for your child.  As the Nike commercial says, "Just Do It"

Maddy mainly goes off when I tell her no or when I won't give her what she wants.  Don't even get me started about when we go shopping!  She is all over that store and she has even wandered off once.  I was scared to death because she doesn't know any strangers she will talk to ANYONE.  When I finally found her, I'll admit it, I busted her ass good and left the store.  I know that I need to be the parent but I'm just lost.

My mom spanked me as a child and I don't resent her for it. What I resent is the VAST difference in the way she is raising my brother compared to how she raised me. I know it shouldn't irritate me, but it does.

My mom spanked me as a child, but not for very long. It wasn't really neccessary after she realized that just a look would do it. My mom was a yeller and I honestly felt that was worse than the spanking. I hated hearing her yell at me. It got much worse when I was a teenager. However, I was a really good kid. My mom didn't tolerate back talk. I was raised respecting her and my elders so talking back was just inconceivable. You NEVER talked back, never questioned, never asked why. My mom's favorite saying was, "Because I said so" and I HATED that. I told myself back then that I would never say that to my kids if I had any, but you know what, I probably will. Whining and complaining was not allowed in front of my mother. If I dared to say something like, "But Sarah's mom is letting her go to the park!" my mom would say, "Do I look like Sarah's mom? I didn't think so because I'm your mom. I don't care what Sarah's mom does. You're MY child."

With my brother, it's been a completely different story. She CATERS to him. From day one, it only took a tear from him to get whatever he wanted. Tantrums were the norm in my house and I was confused. Why was she allowing him to behave this way when I would've been slapped across the face with if I had ever acted the same way? My mom constantly disregarded my step-dad's authority with my brother. If he had spanked, yelled or grounded him, my mom would actually run up the stairs and tell him, "Don't worry. You can still play with your playstation when Dad's not here." And that's how it went. Now my brother is 15 years old and he doesn't know the meaning of respect. He talks back to my mom all the time. When I try and tell him not to talk to her like that, she STILL defends him. He doesn't listen. She still gives in. He can do SO many more things than I was ever allowed to do. It's SO different and yes, I resent it. I resent that he can get away with more than I was able too and I wonder why she changed so drastically when it came to him.

She told me once that it was because my brother waas very sensitive (he is) and she knew early on that she couldn't yell at him like she did with me. When she yelled at me, I never cried. I still don't cry in front of her because she didn't ALLOW it. My brother though, he would cry the minute she got mad and that's all it took.

I know I ultimately got the better end of the deal, but I highly suggest you nip this in the bud ASAP or you will end up with a child that behaves like my brother. My brother has a huge sense of entitlement. He is spoiled beyond belief and yells when he doesn't get what he wants. He doesn't respect my mom, or me for that matter. He doesn't respect my step-dad because he learned at a young age that what my step-dad said doesn't really matter so long as my mom is around. I love my mom to death. We're best friends now, but when she complains to me about why my brother is the way he is, I don't sympathize at all. He is what she made him and it's a tad too late to just expect him to change on his own.

That's the way it was with my mom.  My older sis got away with EVERYTHING.  If I even tried to do what Jennifer did, I caught hell.  As we got older, my sister got worse.  We both left home at 16.  I left for marriage and Jennifer left for drugs.  We are both married now and we both have daughters (mine is 3 and her's is 2) but we have totally different views on how the world works.  I love my mom and we get along better now that I am on my own.  My dad and are best of friends if I don't call him for a few days, he calls my husband thinking that I am mad at him!  I guess life has a way of working out one way or the other!
Here is a pic of my daughter and niece.  Maddy is the one brown hair

I don't have kids, but I have nannied for many kids before, including a six year old with behavioral problems.  He was rather manic and was either in a depressed zombie state, or was bouncing of the walls.  Being around him was like walking on eggshells; he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. 

Like what someone said earlier, go at it like you are training a dog.  Do NOT give up or give in to her.  You give a kid that age an inch, and they will take a mile.  They won't forget you caved, and they will walk all over you.  She has to understand that YOU are the boss and you're serious.  Even if that means she keeps going back into her room or a timeout all day long.  I'm guessing she listens to your husband b/c for whatever reason, she knows he is serious and will follow through on his threats.  When she does obey or do something good, praise her.  Don't spoil her though, like a dog with NILF, she has to work for her rewards.  If she picks up her toys on time, she will get a piece of candy, if she goes to bed quietly, she can pick out a new book at the store.  If she yells at you, she will sit on timeout until she apologizes.  Those kinds of things.

Short of having some sort of personality or social disorder, kids are inherently good and turn bad in response to certain situations.  For some reason, she thinks she is the boss of you.  She likes being the boss and isn't going to change her mind by avoiding the situation or being passive.  You don't necessarily have to spank her (not that I care, I was spanked and even slapped in the face), but she's got to be taught that she does not call the shots.

Good luck to you!  You both have lovely baby girls (yeah I call them babies until they are like 5, hehe).

Madison is also famous for slamming doors. She has slammed her door so hard that pictures have fallen off the wall

 
I used to do that.  My dad would remove the door from it's hinges and I'd have no door until he decided I could have it back. 

My mum tried that once....I found other things to slam o.o
 
.......I was a pretty angry child.

Here is an excerpt from a page about parenting classes in North Carolina. These folks have helped lots of parents in the same situation, whereas we are on a dog forum! LOL

Finding Parenting Classes in North Carolina
NC Cooperative Extension Service. Every county cooperative extension service has someone in the office whose job it is to be an information provider and education partner to the community around parenting education (among other things). Consult the phone book or visit http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/counties

NC Parenting Education Network. This organization offers professional recognition to parenting educators. To access its listing of credentialed parenting educators in North Carolina, go to http://www.ncpen.org

The Parenting Institute. This Winston-Salem-based nonprofit helps communities across NC find qualified parenting instructors, promote and offer parenting classes, and develop their own stable, sustainable parent education resources. Its website (http://www.theparentinginstitute.org ) features a statewide directory of parenting education professionals and other resources.


A great sounding class here:
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/index.php?page=events&event_id=8355

STEP Classes here, which I can highly recommend, since I went through STEP training with my son and it helped tremendously!
http://main.nc.us/graham/family/familypage2.html

There are lots and lots of resources you can go to for help. I searched on "North Carolina and parenting class" in Google and got pages and pages of results.

First, my [sm=2cents.gif] on spanking: I was smacked as a child and I resented it because I felt at the time it was not just -and I still feel that way now. 
 
So if you are going to spank a child I think you have to do it before you get angry, while you are still cool and rational and are using your best judgement.  Don't wait till you are at the end of your tether.  If you're angry, hold your hand - the time for physical punishment is past, you missed it! 
 
Also consider: a kid that gets spanked all the time is going to get a bit used to it and what will you do when they do something really serious?  So be sparing. 

I do suspect that spanking gives the child the wrong message "You didn't do what I wanted so I struck you".  A story....
 
One of my college tutors had a gorgeous 3 yo daughter who was very well behaved until she started playgroup (typical) One of the things she started doing was smacking (open handed) people round the house.  It transpired there were a few kids at the p/grp who, when a smaller or younger child didn't do what they wanted they took the law into their own hands and smacked them.  Guess where they got it from?  Dear old Mum and Dad.  That kid cheated, this child took an extra turn at that game, that wasn't fair, she wouldn't share that toy..... whatever.  They did wrong, they deserved a smack, so I smacked them.  That's what you do when people don't do what you tell them right?  And so Isabelle came home and when people did something she didn't like, she smacked them, because that's what the other kids had done to her and it worked - it hurt so she gave in and she figured that would work on other people too.  That incident really gave me food for thought - that combined with how I feel about being smacked myself as a child has made me feel that I don't want to raise my own children that way.
 
I'd like to raise a question for the OP that I think has not been covered yet..... What do you do when she is good?  I really can't believe your daughter is the monster from hell ALL the time.  She must sometimes do things that are good, even if it is just playing quietly with her toys or eating politely at the dinner table.... Find something - anything positive you can draw attention to and expound how pleased with her you are.  I'm thinking of the puppy analogy again - its soooo easy to ignore them when they are lying down quietly with a chew or toy and get on their back when they get in the rubbish or steal your shoes..... and they quickly learn that the way to get your attention is to be Bad!  I'm also thinking of the guy who improved his tennis game in Pryor's "Don't Shoot The Dog!".
 
Are you at home all the time while dads at work?  I'm just thinking that if so its easy for him to be "good with her" and easy for her to be "good for him" when he is around.... kids can't be good all the time and that might be worth bearing in mind.