This will be long, so bear with! To paraphrase Elvis, you're caught in a trap. The most attention she gets from you, at least it sounds like, is negative. But kids don't care, attention is attention, even if it's arguing and yelling. Fighting with Mommy is almost as good as reading with Mommy, because hey, Mommy is paying attention to only you, and sometimes you actually get what you want to do! This is a combination of several different therapies. I've found combining them works really well.
First off, and probably most importantly, add some "special play time" just for you and she. Fifteen minutes everyday where you and she play with no distractions. EVERY DAY! Don't answer the phone, don't get up to take care of any other kids, anything. Don't ask questions during this. Just comment on what she's doing. "Oh, you're putting the blue block inside the red car!". You'd be amazed at how many questions we ask kids throughout the day. Spend this time concentrating on her actions. Be free with the praise and the physical affection. "Wow, that's a really pretty unicorn you colored! I like all the colors!" Give her pats on the back, pet her hair, give her hugs. Very often just increasing the positive attention will eliminate many problems. Really! And never take away special play time because of behavior. She can be a montrous beast all day and you want nothing but a plane ticket to the Bahamas, but you still need to do this.
Second: NILIF works for kids too! I made up a coupon system for oldest when we were having troubles. I printed off a bunch of Care Bears (at that time her favorite character) and she had to earn a coupon with good behavior. She could turn in her coupons for TV time, treats, trips to the park, etc. I didn't ever make reading a book or physical affection, or the special play time coupon related though. We made up a picture chart of things she needed to work on. Have her help develop this. "Madison, you know things aren't so great around here lately. Sometimes you don't do what Daddy and I want, and sometimes Mommy and Daddy get mad and I know you don't like that either. So we're going to try some new things to make it a happier place around here for everybody. What things do you think need to change?" ALWAYS include you and your husband in the "instructions" because you have to present a united front, even if he doesn't have problems disciplining her. Most kids will be harder on themselves than you will be as far as developing the requirements! My own daughter really responded well to this approach. It's the same thing as stickers, tokens, etc., it's just more personalized and so the kids like it better.
Third: implement something like "1, 2, 3 Magic". It really IS magic! Tell her what you want her to do. If she doesn't do it right away, you count 1, 2, 3. If she hasn't done it she goes immediately to time out. And if you need to hold her in time out, that's okay. You sit cross legged on the floor and hold her in your lap, wrapping your arms around her and holding her arms crossed in front of her by the wrists (gently!). If she's kicking, you uncross your legs and gently lay them over top of hers. She might struggle the first few times, but she will stop and then take her time out. When kids get out of control they are scared. They are looking to you to keep them in control. This is not physical violence like spanking, it is a way of containment. Compare it to the cradle hold you use on dogs. When time out is over, I always ask "What did you do to get a time out?" and if she can't tell me (sometimes they really don't know they're so worked up) I tell her, and then tell her what she SHOULD have done. Then the incident is over. DO NOT keep saying things about it. Move on. Oh, and the standard for time outs is one minute per age, but I don't really follow that all the time. If you watch young kids in time out, they cycle. First they're upset, then they calm down, then they start to ramp up again. Some kids, if you wait the full minutes per age recommendation, are actually re-worked up. I watch the kids, and when they get to that calmer plateau, then I end it. Now when they get a little older, I set a timer so they can see. It kind of depends on the kid. Sometimes the timer thing will backfire because kids will just bide their time. So I really try and tailor the time out to the kid.
What all this does is address the three issues needed to change behavior: improving the relationship, earning rewards and addressing misbehavior. Spanking only addresses misbehavior, and will ultimately hurt the relationship. Think about it like a job. At job A, what if every time you messed up a job, or made a typo in a report, you got docked in your pay? Yes, you might eventually learn to be more careful, but maybe not. Maybe you can afford to lose whatever they're docking you for each incident. Plus, you probably won't like your job. But at job B, your boss has regular performance reviews where you hear how good you ARE doing, you get raises for your good work, and when you do mess up, it's brought to your attention and the boss talks with you about correcting it, well, which job would YOU rather have? Spanking is like job A. Some kids, sometimes it does work, but many kids can "afford" the punishment and will continue the behavior because the other rewards balance. The only way to "do it right", all due respect to your father, is to escalate the pain. Is that really what you want to do?
One last thing, I imagine the difference between you and your husband's style of discipline is that you argue and negotiate with her and he simply tells her and that's the end of it. She likely knows that if she puts up a fussI she gets attention from you. If she knows that you will no longer take her bait, then she will eventually stop. But I will tell you what I told ALL my clients . . . it WILL get worse before it gets better. Batten down the hatches and plan with your DH how this will play out for a couple of weeks. Since you will bearing the brunt of it, he needs to watch her while you have some free time in the evenings or weekends. You need to be at the top of your game and to have time to yourself.