Parental Advice Needed

ORIGINAL: saveastray2day

at 5 they start leveling out. Notice I said "start"!

 
The problem is, they don't actually ATTAIN level until about 30.  []

Thank you all!  It's true, I'd rather fuss at her than hit her and Daddy asks noo questions  (you messed up and you get spanked).  Madison is also famous for slamming doors.  She has slammed her door so hard that pictures have fallen off the wall.  Needless to say she did that when Daddy was home and she got her but busted.  Justin and I do disagree on how to handle her.  He wants to spank and I don't.  I guess we'll have to sit down and have a long talk about this.  My father was stern and he spanked us with a leather belt which he clled Brownie!  It didn't kill us but it also didn't really bother my sister either.  Could be because I got a lot of her spankings! 

I am one that also disagrees with spanking...but that's probably because it's often used improperly, and I'm biased as I was spanked growing up.
 
I've known kids that you could ground, take priveleges from, etc etc....and they'd still find a way to get what they wanted.  Spanking overall, I believe, is rather ineffective.  It just tells a child "Hey, when I'm mad, I can hit who I want, when I want," and nothing beyond that.  Then when they get old enough to fight back, the parents get pissed and claim disrespect, even though THEY'RE the ones who taught the child to be physical in the first place!
 
So the child has two options (in their mind), fight back (finally, after feeling they've been wronged for so long), or take it.....the majority are going to fight back and get in a few good licks, no matter what the consequences, because they're sick of being treated that way.  I'm not even talking about kids who were beaten, I'm talking about spanking in general, because kids DO remember, and they DO feel resentment about it.

I'm biased as I was spanked growing up.
Lol I was as well....
 
 
because kids DO remember
I do..
 
they DO feel resentment about it.
I don't.

I have to disagree with the whole "resentment"  I was spanked quite often as a child, even though most of the time I carried my sister's punishments too, and I am GLA that my parents spanked me!  They taught me right form wrong and when I was older, they let me make my choices.  They figured that if I was old enough to make the desicion, I was old enough to handle whatever came with the territory.  My parents signed for me to get married when I was 16 and I have been married for 5 years now.  

Here I go showing my age again......when I was growing up if parents DIDN'T spank their children, they were considered permissive.  What was expected in those days is considered abuse today.
 
Heck yes I remember "getting the belt".  Heck yes I remember being mortified having to go swimming with the church youth group with welts on the backs of my thighs, being humilated because my Mom chased me down the street with a switch IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYONE.....
 
And yes, I did resent it for a very long time  But, that was more than just the norm in those days, it was EXPECTED.  So, I understand that my folks were doing the best they could and doing so out of genuine love for us girls.  But, I did use different methods with my own boys.

they DO feel resentment about it.
I don't.

 
I sure do.  You're one of the first I've "met" that doesn't.

It truely doesn't bother me that I was spanked.  It made me who I am today.  But, then again, the last time my dad hit me was when I was 8.  I am the sensitive type.  He knew that if he yelled at me, I would start crying and go to my room.  My mom was different...  She would slap my sister and I across the face and she actually busted my sister's nose once.  I didn't like being hit across the face but my mom knew that if she hit me elsewhere that it wouldn't hurt me.  Last time my mom hit me, I was 13 and she slapped me acroos the face and clawed at my neck and to top it all off, she yanked my hair.  I'll admit it, I hit her back.  I am sorry that it did it but the reason she was mad at me was because I didn't want to eat dinner.  Needless to say, the cops were called and I moved in with my dad the next day.  I just don't want it to come to that with Madison and me

If you are speaking of resentment meaning something you feel at the time....or in your teen years...I could have been simply grounded or had my toys removed, and felt that. Not getting your way is always going to cause resentment in a child or adolescent...period.
 
If you mean resentment that colors your relationship with your parents as an adult? Definitely not.
 
My Mom is someone I love and respect...and she did a super job raising me...and being a Mom now I completely dig where she was coming from with the discipline I received. She made mistakes, like we all do...but spanking? Not one of them...justly applied and well deserved every time.

ORIGINAL: Xeph

they DO feel resentment about it.
I don't.

I sure do.  You're one of the first I've "met" that doesn't.

I've never resented being struck either.  Although I was spanked as a kid, the only physical punishment I remember is being slapped across the face by my mother as a teenager a couple of times.  Oh, MAN did I deserve it.  I had a MOUTH on me.  I think that I even realized at the time that I totally deserved it.

I don't feel any resentment about being spanked either. If I was beat, yes I would feel resentment, but spanking no.
 
Out of my 3 kids, I can only remember 1 throwing a temper tantrum  once, that was at Chucky Cheese, I put him in the car as soon as he started, took him home and put him to bed for a couple of hours, it never happened again. Not saying my kids were angels, but I didn't put up with much. If we were anywhere and they started to act up, we went home. I hated leaving a few times because I was having fun, but in the long run it worked.
You have to be consistant in punishment. It really will be a lot of work in the beginning,  it will seem like she is always in her room punished.
Good Luck and I wish you much patience.

We were spanked as children and while I remember it, I can honestly say that I don't feel one bit of resentment about it.  That could be due to the fact that when we were being punished, we always knew what we were in trouble for and my parents were pretty fair.  Also, the discipline was well balanced with love and affection.  I never doubted for one second that my parents loved us dearly. 
 
We have spanked our own 2 children on occasion - and I have to say that it's one of those things that does seem to work (unfortunately).  Spankings in our house are a last resort and they are never with belts or anything else. 
 
I agree with Gina...I don't know where the terrible TWOs came from - 3 was always the worst for us!  I think the best advice I can give is be consistent, be consistent, be consistent![]  Kids do like to test the boundaries and will cross that line if you let them.  We live in a very different time than when a lot of us were growing up (I'm in my 30's)...kids today are often given a lot of freedom and I see so many parents that let their kids behave however they want.  It's amazing to me!  We absolutely demand respect from our children...and we also return it btw.  I think you can get into a terrible trap if you let yourself get into a pattern where your child runs your home.
 
I second whoever said you kinda have to approach it as you do with your dogs...YOU have to be the boss at ALL times.  Even if that means that you're not comfortable with spanking...I can remember particularly with my son, having to keep putting him back in time out, over and over again - usually I didn't even speak while I did this, b/c I didn't want to engage him.  He eventually got the point that he WAS going to take the punishment and that it would end up being even longer if he gave me a hard time about it.  I actually believe that children crave this - they like to know someone else is in control.
 
Good luck and know that you aren't alone - there were days when mine were that age that I thought I wouldn't make it another day, but here I am!  Now, I just have to remember that as I enter the teenage years with my oldest!![8D]
 
 

Spanking will probably backfire on you in the end. She'll decide that things that need to be settled can be settled by force, and that means that YOU will be her target.

I cannot say this strongly enough: [b]GET INTO A PARENTING CLASS NOW!

I have a son who was just hell-on-wheels. He's 26 now and constantly apologizes to me for having been so incredibly hard to raise! LOL He was exactly like your daughter. He pushed every limit to the ultimate MAX. He now thanks me for the way I raised him! People constantly told me that he "needed to be whipped with a belt" and other ignorant things. DON'T believe them!

Parenting classes will give you FAR more ways to deal with things than you ever thought possible.
You will also get the support of other parents! You will have someone nearby to talk to, and professional to ask for advice. Please, please look into this and you will be amazed at the help you can get.

I understand the whole thing about kids thinking that hitting is "ok"  My stepmom says that ALL of the time!  She works at a daycare but the thing is, her daughter, now 17, was the SAME way as Maddy.  Her mom didn't spank her.  She just did time-out and now her daughter will tell HER what to do.  Ashley will get in her mom's face and scream at her.  If I tried that with my mom or dad, I got punished.

It isn't JUST about spanking or not spanking, it's about what the relationship is based on. Yelling, berating, ignoring, being a "best friend" to your kid are all approaches that can result in negative behaviors down the line. That's why I suggested you do the special play time approach. It's very effective and by building a positive relationship with your child, she will respect you without fear or resentment. Consistent, fair, reasonable discipline (which can include spanking, although I don't recommend it) coupled with an affectionate, respectful, nurturing bond is what builds empathy, kindness and respect in kids.