How do I tell him?

That relationship experience that you have is not that much, just like when 80% of the people think their first boyfriend or girlfriend is the best thing in the world (even when they in reality suck really bad) but is just because no body else made you feel that way before

Once you dated over and over you look back at the first people you were dating and you think "oh my God how could i?"

You realize that  the first ones were waaaaaaay far of what you really wanted them to be

Being that serious without dating several people first is like getting into your car and think you dont need driving lessons

You better take your "driving lessons" so in the future you can drive without having accidents []

Just go, drink a coffe with him, thats the least you can do after being talking for 5 years, (that mean you started at 16 and at that age is really hard to realize how life really is) and have fun, but taking it to the next step is what it can be dangerous

I have never ever ever ever ever met i guy before that was having a long distance relationship with somebody without having a "plan B" in the same town, even waaaaaayyy less if the guy is 20, the hormones are to agressive to handle lack of female touch (if that guy was 60 maybe, but not at 20)
 
Believe me, the ones that are guys here know what i'm talking about []

ORIGINAL: espencer
but is just because no body else made you feel that way before

 
In my case, it was for the "kitty."  Was that too subtle?  LOL.

There is a whole ocean of area in between those two extremes.

If you aren't willing to risk being hurt, (which isn't permanent, by the way) it is no wonder you are stuck in a relationship that doesn't provide for your needs.

One thing that concerns me is that you are still with your first boyfriend, after like a year and a half, I think you said. Now you are madly in love with someone you, for all practical purposes, only know over the computer. You have no real basis for comparison, but yet, here you go again, with that freakin' "love" thing. You have few social skills and you are terrified, to the point of being paralyzed, over the prospect of being rejected. Do you see the problem?

You are young. Too young to be feeling lost. Expand your horizons. Give up on the idea of being in love, for now, and experience life. Have fun!!! Don't compromise your values in the process but gain experience enough to be able to identify when you do finally meet someone worth falling in love with. In other words, get out of your room and off the computer. Get some friends. Meet some young men. Even do a few, if you want. You don't HAVE to be in love. Break a few hearts and have your heart broken a few times. You will get over it and it will make you more complete. Trust me, there are far worse things than being alone.

Yeah so Billy don't let this go to your head but I am going to actually have to agree with you for the second day in a row... I think I need to go to the doctor and have my head examined...[sm=uhoh.gif]

Xeph, I am not saying DON"T meet him, just saying be careful and experience life a bit. Also I think you need to take a close look at your true feelings for your bf and where that relationship is heading or NOT heading... 

I have quite a few guy friends some of whom are also online friends and my DH knows about every one of them. He also knows WHAT we discuss and he himself has even chatted or corresponded with some of them due to similar interests they share. That does not mean I share every discussion I have with them. Sometimes these friends assist me with problems or frustrations I face in my relationship with DH. But they are my cheerleaders there to cheer me on [sm=clapping%20hands%20smiley.gif]and help me figure out sometimes how those damn "guy” minds truly work[]  and to STOP ME [sm=smack.gif]  in time if I am to do or say something that could be detrimental to my relationship with the man I love!

None of these friendships are anything BUT PURLEY PLATONIC in nature and despite the fact that I truly love several of them, it is a "brotherly” love NOT a romantic love. BUT if I ever began to feel differently about that I would need to really evaluate my current relationship with DH and figure out what the problems were and where I needed to go from there. 

SO to be FAIR to your bf, I would definitely take a closer look into your relationship and what you both are possibly NOT getting from it..  

First and formost though, take care of yourself!

Yeah Billy, I get it.  I'm too young to be lost.  But the fact is, I am.  I am not your typical 21 year old that has dealt with the usual trials and tribulations.  I have gone through a LOT of crap that nobody else would want to deal with.
 
My own brother, in his schizophrenic hazes, has tried to kill me more than once.  I've had siblings sexually abused at schools.  I've been emotionally abused by my peers since I was little.
 
I went through high school without a single date or look of interest from boys, because I was the chubby black girl, instead of the cool, tall blonde.  Even my mormon friend had a boyfriend her senior year, and she wasn't allowed to date until she was 18 and it had to be in a group!  Nobody ever asked me to dances (and if I asked them they either already had dates or just said no), nobody ever asked me to just plain old DANCE.
 
I hate going to bars and clubs, don't know where else to meet people really...finding somebody I share interests with is difficult.  I'm the weird 21 year old that doesn't drink and doesn't party.  WTF is wrong with that girl!?  Why don't I go out?  Because I hate it, it's uncomfortable.  I'm really tired of people thinking that I'm having a seizure because my facial ticks are so severe.  It's embarrassing.
 
There are plenty of guys I'd like to nail...I should have a list.  I don't bother.  I don't like constantly being shoved in the pool of rejection.  Now I'm wondering why I'm even going to see Adam at all.

ORIGINAL: jjsmom06

None of these friendships are anything BUT PURLEY PLUTONIC in nature

I have this wierd feeling that you really wanted to say PLATONIC [], plutonic love would be the one coming from the non-planet-anymore Pluto []

I have this wierd feeling that you really wanted to say PLATONIC , plutonic love would be the one coming from the non-planet-anymore Pluto

 
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  [sm=rotfl.gif]
 
See what happens when I am trying to multitask at work[].........  good catch Espence and thanks for the laugh!!!!!!!!!  

Get a great circle of friends and experience things a young 20ish woman should be doing.

 
Well what the heck am I supposed to be doing?!  I flirt, sure, but I can never get beyond that.  I always end up as "the friend" (I HATE being the friend >.<.  Getting a date?  Yeah, haven't had much luck with that one.
 
Going to bars? Yuck.  Clubs?  Bigger yuck.  Let's drink and listen to crappy hip hop music! YAYYY!!  >.<  This is what most people think being in their 20s is all about these days, and I just...yuck.  I like quiet places or a dog show...not a club, and not some smokey bar out on I-9

Xeph, you're talking like you're single. You have a BOYFRIEND remember?

I understand that you've been through a lot in your life, but it's sounding like you'd rather have a chip on your shoulder and feel sorry for yourself than think about the positive things that you DO have in your life.

Probably seems that way because I'm a pretty angry person.  I'm not an optimist...probably never will be (most optimists are obnoxiously happy...I can't stand it).  You t hink this is negative?  This is a huge improvement from a couple years ago.

ORIGINAL: Xeph

I'm not an optimist...probably never will be (most optimists are obnoxiously happy...I can't stand it). 

That's because misery loves company. []

That's GREAT that you're making progress. Trust me, I do understand very well a lot of the things you're feeling. I just typed out a whole long thing, but I don't want to hijack your thread. But honestly, try to concentrate on the things you do have- your relationship with your boyfriend that's right there for one. []

I don't think that there's anything wrong with going ahead and meeting him.  Just view it as a friendly meeting, with the goal of having fun. Nothing more nothing less.  Anything that happens beyond that will just be a bonus.
 
I'm sure you already know the 'meet in a public place' rules, so I won't touch on those[]
 
 

quote:

Get a great circle of friends and experience things a young 20ish woman should be doing.

Well what the heck am I supposed to be doing?! I flirt, sure, but I can never get beyond that. I always end up as "the friend" (I HATE being the friend >.<. Getting a date? Yeah, haven't had much luck with that one.

Going to bars? Yuck. Clubs? Bigger yuck. Let's drink and listen to crappy hip hop music! YAYYY!! >.< This is what most people think being in their 20s is all about these days, and I just...yuck. I like quiet places or a dog show...not a club, and not some smokey bar out on I-9

I surely didn't mean to get you upset.  Since I'm 46, I'm looking back to my 20's and how carefree I felt.  Yes, I did go to bars and hang out and dance, but I definitely know it's not for everybody.  Good for you for not cowtowing to peer pressure to drink and smoke and go clubbing if you don't want to.  Understood.  No law that says a 21 yr. old has to do those things.

Liking quiet places or a dog show is fine.  The key is finding people to hang out with that also like those things.  Everybody is not a social butterfly and can't be the life of the party.  Find what you like to do and do it well. 

Having feelings for one guy when you are in a relationship with somebody else could really be holding you back.  If it were me, I'd stop the relationship I didn't feel was right for me so I could be more open to others as they come.  Don't just settle for someone you are not completely happy with.  Many people do this for fear of being alone, but as Billy said....there are worse things than being alone! 

I wonder - did you start having these loving feelings toward OL friend before you got involved w/boyfriend?  Or after boyfriend started disappointing you and OL friend continued to be there in all the ways you desired?

Xeph -
 
I've been back and forth in my head on whether or not to jump in here.  I am because there's something now that I feel qualified to say.  I say "qualified" because I have been through some of the same issues that you touch on and I do know where you're coming from.  I also know what it's like to have your soul destroyed by a relationship, and to believe you'll never smile again.
 
Ok, here goes.
 
You say you are an angry, pessimistic person.  I get that - I have been through HELL in the past 18 months, and the rest of my life has not always been easy either.  I don't think life is necessarily supposed to be easy.  However, it is that statement, and that one alone, which gives me the impression that whatever feelings you have for Adam, they aren't romantic ones. 
 
Being in love (read: IN love, not just loving someone) makes a person look forward to the future because that future will be spent with the person you feel that way about.  It makes you excited about trying all the things you've never experienced because you get to experience those things with that person.  It makes you confident because you know in your heart that someone believes in you.  If you don't feel those things, you aren't ready to tell Adam you're in love with him, because if you were you'd feel that way.
 
When I met my fiance, I couldn't have been less interested in a long-term relationship.  I wanted to be out having fun, doing my own thing, enjoying my own life.  I'd already been through my "stupid stage" years before, but I didn't feel ready to give over so much of myself to someone else.  But I knew, truly knew, the moment I looked at him that he was the one.  We've been together since the night we met and battled some incredible hardships - I don't know that many guys who would date a normal, happy girl for a year and then, immediately and without complaint, become her rock through a serious illness that has lasted 18 months and counting.  Yes, I'm lucky.  It doesn't happen to everyone and I know that.  However, one of the reasons our relationship works is that with HIM, and him only, giving over that part of myself that I wasn't ready for isn't a hardship - it's a pleasure.  We've been together for a little over 2.5 years now, and I still look forward to seeing him when he comes home from work every day.  The sight of him STILL makes my pulse race, long after the "honeymoon stage" should supposedly have ended. 
 
At the risk of being overly poetic and mushy, he makes me better than myself.  I have been in constant pain for a very long time, passed from doctor to doctor, forced to take breaks from working despite the fact that I love my job.  And yet, I am happier than I have ever been, am planning for the future and absolutely confident that one day, hopefully one day soon, I will be better.  Feeling that way is a direct result of the love, guidance, support, laughter and general warm-fuzzies that I get from my other half.  That's what love does. 
 
I too am happy that you're making progress in your outlook on life, and although there are details I don't wish to share in public, I beg you to read this as it is written - from someone who really DOES know about some of the things you've gone through.  I have made more mistakes in my love life than I care to remember, and each and every time those mistakes were made when I believed I loved the guy.  I've changed, I've grown, I know now what to look for and what not to, and I know enough to be sure that marrying my fiance is the right decision, for me.  I, for one, am not going to say "you're young, you'll get over it" because age has nothing to do with it.  Experience is what's relevant here, and I have a feeling you need more of those before you can narrow down what you're looking for, and knowing how to recognise a good thing when you see it, and how to run from a bad thing when one of those inevitably presents itself.
 
Meet the guy for coffee - in your shoes, I would.  But I think you're not giving YOURSELF enough of a chance, and until you do it will be hard to give anyone else a chance either.
 
Kate

If it weren't for the current boyfriend, I'd say - rip the bandaid off and go see him now.  Or, at least propose the idea to him and see what sort of reaction you get.  Damn, this whole current boyfriend situation just gets in the way of all the suggestions I'd have for seeing the OL friend.  If you're thinking you're ready to tell OL friend you love him, then it seems to me, you could be ready to get rid of the safety net - whether that's the computer or the current boyfriend.
 
Have faith in yourself.  Value yourself to identify what works and eliminate what doesn't.  Someone said to me recently that it seems like all the good things just never come to us... But it's because we're so full up with the old things that we haven't made the room to allow the good in.  I'm glad you're making room for more positive thoughts.  Those can propel you forward.  The negative only anchors you where you are.  You sound ready for change.