Xeph -- sorry, I'm late to this ... and I dated, fell in love with my David online AFTER my divorce (insert picture of 42 year old woman in major emotional trauma after she got rid of completely worthless, abusive husband).
I'll be honest -- I literally turned to the net to 'get my head straight'-- I realized my biggest mistake when I married my first husband was to walk torn & bleeding into THAT relationship after some really horrific personal & work related problems and HE also was part of the walking-wounded - and two damaged people may prop each other up but they aren't often healthy for each other.
However, long story short my ex IS a creep -- he's now on SSI for 'emotional problems' (and trust me, the government does NOT give that away -- you have to be pretty disturbed to get that award) and I just plain wanted a life.
So while I had some fun I also listened ... a lot. A WHOLE lot. I've heard just about all the stories -- a lot of the ones some of the folks above aluded to. Frankly, I've seen it all -- from gays playing straight to straights playing gay, to people just plain getting kicks out of breaking up 'real' relationships and even ... murder.
I'll be honest -- the ONE thing ... the absolute ONE thing that makes me cringe here is "5 years". Because even if your relationship 'changed' along the line -- IF IF IF either one of you has the desire to go thru what you *must* go thru to make ANY relationship work in real life, then it's not a strong enough desire or you would have moved heaven, hell and earth BEFORE THIS to have been together.
Xeph -- I'm not doubting you love him ... nor am I doubting he loves you. However ... given what you've said about your family and the 'stuff' you deal with that simply means in order to embark *successfully* on a permanent, lasting, satisfying, REAL relationship (as in face to face) then that desire to be together has to be SO all consuming that nothing else will satisfy.
Because honestly ... if the cyber thing is "enough" (altho maybe not quite 'enough' but 'sufficient') then the incredible work, blood, sweat, tears, and SACRIFICE that goes into making a life with someone ... long after the ardor cools, long after the fun is over, long after the "plans for your life" pan out or don't -- you've still got to make the choices day after day after day ... to do what's best for both of you together.
March 8th David and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary. We had one 'year' of him being there (the UK) and me being here (Florida) altho we 'met' several times and travelled extensively during that time so we had lots of 'real' time together.
We always said to each other the odds were so astronomically against us being 'together' it was almost a joke. He had a house there, I had one here (and two dogs that couldn't live thru 'quarantine' for me to move there), and I had no job (I temped for a long time at that time) and the odds and ends to sort out (far far beyond what I can say here) were huge.
But bottom line -- the thing that made it work was the absolutely complete desire to be WITH each other. Nothing else would do. Once he'd been over here and we'd 'met' and travelled together ... when he went home to the UK (cos his visa expired) I was physically ill.
You've heard all the old love story rah rah about how "I just can't EAT, I can't SLEEP ..." blah blah.
But honestly -- it tends to be true. Because unless the two of you are SO in love and SO incredibly committed to each other, then you fall victim to just life's rocky pitfalls -- and yeah dysfunctional families to boot. (trust me -- my mother can beat your mother for idiocy and I can still, at the age of 52, almost throw up because she makes me so upset 2000 miles away *sigh*).
5 years of 'making do' and establishing quite a long term pattern of using each other to satisfy each other for the lack in your lives -- that's going to be TOUGH to translate to real life.
Yes, you may well be completely in love with each other -- but you haven't been for 5 years or you would never have been able to live that way.
I'm not trying to make you defensive -- just trying to help you think it thru -- because in honesty, you two have made it HARDER by waiting for so long. You pacify each other with your friendship and your caring and the other needs you satisfying in each other JUST ENOUGH so that it was harder than it should have been to make the next step.
Case in point -- my sister-in-law has 'dated' the same guy for about 12 years. He's a "professional student" -- and has gone all the way thru his doctorate and beyond with grant after grant (and he's European) and she's an extremely successful professional (she's a statistician with a company that works with the Common Market). Both of them are ... essentially ... Brainiacs (sorry that's a 60's term -- think 'computer brain').
She has absolutely NO desire to 'marry' or be with him on more than an occasional basis. They meet for "weekends" every month or two, they both get what they want ... and part happily -- he's been there for her thru deaths in the family and all sorts of things, but there's never going to be a "happily ever after" because, frankly, both of them are happy (or mostly so) with things the way they are. She'd rather not have to fall over him and get annoyed with him and his bad habits on a day by day basis -- and she doesn't have to worry about sharing a bank account with him. It's too "convenient" to change.
Do they love each other? Yeah, I think they truly do. But they also suit each other's purposes.
I think that's honest. And I respect the fact that they have realized this and met it head on between the two of them and they keep the whole thing relatively at arm's length where it suits them. You've heard the expression "If it ain't broke why fix it?"
In the course of FIVE years you two have built a relationship that is probably really deep ... but to be completely honest ... the chances of it surviving "real life" is slim.
Now I"m living proof that 'slim to none' can sometimes be overcome -- but Xeph -- just be realistic about it. You and he BOTH have to answer to yourselves individually AND to each other the basic question "If we both care THIS much about each other ... then why the heck are we still on opposite ends of microphones five years later. And why have we never taken the small tiny 'steps' of stuff like talking on the phone, writing letters (Xeph you ain't gotta clue what you're missing -- seeing the words "I love you" on a piece of paper ****in his handwriting***, and knowing he addressed the envelope and touched the stamp on it -- it's plainly a rush quite aside from seeing text on the screen and I"m NOT downplaying how incredibly awesomely powerful the typed word is).
Point blank -- don't tell him you 'love him' or meet him unless you are completely 100% aware that it's never ever gonna be the same ever again. It will be different. YOU will be different.
Are you ready for that?