Question for those of you with long marriages

ORIGINAL: cakana
Are you serious???  Almost every man I know was born with this ability (or inability). 

 
Really?  Wow.  And here I thought I was unique.  I am reminded of a Richard Pryor comedy tape where he discusses discovering the joy of masturbation.  He says, "Hmmmm.  Bet dad doesn't know about this."  []

Sadly, by the time a woman says "I'm done", she really is.

 
[&o]  Scary thought, rings home.

ORIGINAL: sillysally

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

I have talked to my mom a lot about what I should do and cried about it when I did decide to tell him to go.  I think I was just scared of doing the wrong thing.  The thing we did realize is that nothing is right or wrong it will just be different.  Its not that I think the grass is greener its just that I dont think its fair that Ive never been to that grass in order to pick which grass I want.  How do I know which grass if Ive only tried one??  []    Anyway... he is becoming insecure about the way I am feeling, and its making me feel it more.  He is childish and I identify a lot with Callie when she says "I didnt have to tell him to breathe!".  That would be nice.  Most of the time lately I feel like a mother instead of a wife.   In one of our arguments I said something about how its not easy and he doesnt get off not trying and he said something like well he was just used to things being easy all the time and not having to do anything.  I about died.  

I guess my mind has been racked and racked over this that Ive gone into an I dont care anymore one way or the other frame of mind.  That wont work in the long run and I know it.  As my mom said I need to be in it or out of it...  Im trying. 

You know, on another hand... after 12 years and being so young it may help us BOTH to realize what we really want in life and verify that its each other or if it is to be apart.  I dont know.  Im so confused.  Feels good to let it out because I keep this stuff bottled up all the time.  Im not comfortable admitting anything is wrong to anyone but since I dont know yall personally its not the same lol.

Matter of fact two nights ago I said we should try being apart and he got mad and went to bed but in the morning was saying how we can do this.  I guess Im just lost as to what to do and it sucks no one can tell me but me.  I love him more than myself, thats not good and another aspect as to why I need to do this.  Its always been that way.  I realize now as an adult its caused a lot of insecurities within myself... Im incredibly insecure with myself.  I dont know who I am alone and thats scary.  We are just together, its all I know.   Im rambling now.... lol  

I just cant explain how back and forth I go over it.  And like Callie said... I am scared of being alone, I never have been.  I have slight control issues, maybe its giving up control thats hard.  I at least have control right now, if I change this I dont have it anymore.  And when you love someone so much you just dont want to hurt them and the hope never goes away.

I feel you.  Dh and I have not been together as long as you two have, but we started dating when we were 18 and got married at 22.  He is my first and only.  I spent my HS years horse crazy and really didn't date.  I have and still do wonder what it would be like with another guy. 

During our really rough periods I was so seriously considering ending it that I even had the financal details worked out.  There were times when I was headed to work I can thisclose to just not stopping at work--just keep driving.

I am a very restless person and am not sure who I am yet.  Most of our issues really are me, DH is wonderful.  However, I am not convinced that it would be any different with anyone else.  My demons would follow me to another relationship--I'm sure of it. 
The bottom line is that I always had something stopping me.  I'm not afraid to be alone, and I could have afforded to be on my own--there was just something that would let me go. 

I dont know who I am either, how could I.  Since I was 12 Ive had this person in my life on a daily basis, never faltering (not me at least) from that person.  Sitting here at 24 to think of life without him... what on earth would that be like, what would I do??  Who would I be?  NO clue.  

Something has kept me here also and I know exactly what it is.  Its a few things really.  I dont want to hurt him first and foremost even if it hurts me (stupid but thems the facts), history, hope for the future, and doubt.  All combined just proves we do have love and do have a commitment.  Does it mean its the right thing to do?  Thats where my problem lies.

I tell myself daily.  Not right or wrong, just different.  I think its good to remember that.  Whatever you decide or I decide or anyone decides, its a good sentiment to have on hand.

I don't know about you, but I did NOT picture my life this way when I was in my late teens.  Many look at DH and consider me lucky.  I am I guess.  I don't know--I used to have it all worked out and then something in me changed.  I thought that by now we would be trying to have kids, etc.....

ORIGINAL: rwbeagles

Deb,
 
This year's seemed  a bit harder than others. In review, minor bumps...a disagreement yesterday. Stuff like that. He's a people pleaser and non-confrontational and I love to argue and sabotage things. It frustrates me when he will not take bait or just caves then I start thinking mean things like how unmanly that is...
 
ALL my issues, none really on his part. My expectations that men yell and throw things and even hit based on what I grew up with, that they cannot be counted on or trusted. No such issues here and it leaves me without anything to do but nit pick...lol.
 
Given the sort of things that could be wrong (like above)they're quite minor. The respect on his part is there, the faithfulness, the support, the communication, the willingness to bend over backwards to get me something I want, he does the dishes and cleans the house...so I should cut him some slack. []
 
I see that now...reading all this. So it's helped a lot. We're on year 6 as of October...together for 8 counting our chat room days.
 
Thanks all!

I see, so what you are doing is testing him. You are used to men leaving as I am, and you want to push him to the max to make sure he doesn't. Stop it. I did the same thing w/ the first one and then subsequent people. Let me ask you something does he bring out the best in you, make you want to be a better person? If you say are going on a long trip does he check your tires, your antifreeze? You want to argue come here we give it to you, he sounds like a keeper and I know you are. Be kind to each other treat him the way you want to be treated. I think he's worth you working on you. It's good that you realize what you are doing but even then we sometimes can't control it. What I do is make sure I never treat a stranger or co-worker better then I treat him.

Oh and Gina as an after thought, think about this, are you sure it isn't something he's said or done that has made you angry or resentful? Maybe in a passive aggressive way, that he doesn't even know he said/ did and it wasn't even intentional on his part, and he is probably oblivious about it?

Amy I have a lupus head right now, but I was in the same exact situation you are same age and all, and I have so much to throw at you to think about ,now that I am decrepit. I need to talk to you tomorrow, please don't have any babies tonight, sleep w/ Bailey. lol

This year's seemed a bit harder than others. In review, minor bumps...a disagreement yesterday. Stuff like that. He's a people pleaser and non-confrontational and I love to argue and sabotage things. It frustrates me when he will not take bait or just caves then I start thinking mean things like how unmanly that is...

 
 
Did you not notice this before you got married?
 
I think in general we tend to see the signs, but choose to ignore them or brush them away when we are in the beginning of a relationship.

That's a loophole that I think you've got to give him. Lots of guys get one last piece of strange before they are married. Personally, I don't think it's a big deal.

Would that apply to the female counter part?

You know the old saying....: What's good for the goose.............[]

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

Billy, thanks..  I have thought about counseling.  I really think that my mind works enough that I know what I need to know.  That may sound ignorant but I think most who know me would agree.  I am VERY fair and always think things through, look at all aspects, all outcomes, everyone involved's feelings, etc.  I will drive myself crazy.  I truly feel like a therapist would give me one more thing to be up at night analyzing.  I dont know tho, as I do realize the possibility of benefit.

Actually, it sounds to me like you'd be a great client. Thoughtful and intuitive, but your comment about always thinking things through, "all aspects, all outcomes, everyone involved's feelings" Oh Baby! that's the kind of meaty, chewy stuff we live for! Seriously, I think you'd actually find working with a therapist quite satisfying . . .providing you more answers than you think. It also sounds like your marriage is one that would be well suited for couples counseling.

ORIGINAL: saveastray2day

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

Billy, thanks..  I have thought about counseling.  I really think that my mind works enough that I know what I need to know.  That may sound ignorant but I think most who know me would agree.  I am VERY fair and always think things through, look at all aspects, all outcomes, everyone involved's feelings, etc.  I will drive myself crazy.  I truly feel like a therapist would give me one more thing to be up at night analyzing.  I dont know tho, as I do realize the possibility of benefit.

Actually, it sounds to me like you'd be a great client. Thoughtful and intuitive, but your comment about always thinking things through, "all aspects, all outcomes, everyone involved's feelings" Oh Baby! that's the kind of meaty, chewy stuff we live for! Seriously, I think you'd actually find working with a therapist quite satisfying . . .providing you more answers than you think. It also sounds like your marriage is one that would be well suited for couples counseling.

That would be the Libra in me... and I exhibit that quality ten-fold. Think way too much, analyze way too much, look at all sides of the situation and possible outcomes until I dont even know what I was thinking about anymore.

May I ask why that would be what a therapist lives for?  Am I crazy or something for thinking about peoples feelings?  Im not offended, I realize that question may come off that way but dont know how else to word it.  Actually what you said made me laugh, and curious, so... just asking.[]

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay
May I ask why that would be what a therapist lives for?  Am I crazy or something for thinking about peoples feelings?  Im not offended, I realize that question may come off that way but dont know how else to word it.  Actually what you said made me laugh, and curious, so... just asking.[]

I was worried after I wrote it that I might offend you since it was out of context sort of, glad I didn't! I meant that it's what a therapist lives for in it's a multi-layered statement, with lots of implications, and it's fun to have a client that likes to anaylze things, you can sort of point them in a direction and off they go. And of course thinking about other people's feelings is great, but sometimes thinking of all sides, can be a way to hide inside the problem, overanalyzing I guess. This is why I think people need to SEE therapists, the subtle nuances of body language, inflection, facial expression, are all crucial to our way of communicating as humans in general, but in therapy I think it's especially important.

Did you not notice this before you got married?
 
See what? that he wouldn't take bait and argue back? Of course...that's why it was important that I married him...lol.

Deb he is worth it and so is the marriage. It's SO worth it. I need to drop the petty crap because it's well....petty. Thank you....I am really happy reading what you posted to me []

I see, so what you are doing is testing him. You are used to men leaving as I am, and you want to push him to the max to make sure he doesn't. Stop it. I did the same thing w/ the first one and then subsequent people. Let me ask you something does he bring out the best in you, make you want to be a better person? If you say are going on a long trip does he check your tires, your antifreeze? You want to argue come here we give it to you, he sounds like a keeper and I know you are. Be kind to each other treat him the way you want to be treated. I think he's worth you working on you. It's good that you realize what you are doing but even then we sometimes can't control it. What I do is make sure I never treat a stranger or co-worker better then I treat him.

I think I am guilty of this also. Sometimes my low self esteem gets in the way and I think, why would he want to be with someone like me anyway? So I'll bait him or nag at him to get him riled up just to see if he really wants to be with me. Very immature and not a good position to put someone in. But I know that he is the only man for me and he is great with dealing with my moods, so I just need to get over my insecurities.

Amy, I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you're able to get all of your thoughts out here. I know how hard it can be to be in a relationship that you question and have no one to talk to about it. In my case, all of my friends and family were on my side and of course wanted me to end the relationship, but that is definitely easier said than done. So I think this might be a really good place for you to put your thoughts "on paper" and be able to more clearly analyze what you are really thinking. I have no advice for you, but I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.