Question for those of you with long marriages

ORIGINAL: miranadobe

Anyway, since then I dont feel like I need him for much of anything.

I've never been married, so I have no advice and probably seem naive to the rest who've been there, done that.  But this got me thinking... aren't you in a better position for NOT needing him for something?  Meaning, with the dependence gone, you can explore who you are and who he is, without the framework/context of needing him/the relationship?   (I do not mean that in the "threatening to run off at any moment" kind of way.  More like, a fresh approach.)  Maybe you already have done this, and this is more of a conclusive statement than I originally read?  But I'd think the opportunity to explore your relationship without the constraints of dependence/inter-dependence could be an especially gifted chance to see yourself and him through fresh eyes?

 
I think its absolutely correct what you said.  I think for me though, thats kinda how this all started.  With me NOT being dependant and him off playing a retarded game for upwards of 12 hours a day.  I guess the timing was bad.  Or maybe my eyes opened to all that is really wrong.  I think losing Kayla forced me to look at my life alone, and to see whats really there.  Ive always been and still am willing to work for it, but it cant be done alone.  I only get effort from him when the damn game isint calling.  And then, I dont even want it because it was secondary.

Bradley I'm surprised you asked that....EVERYONE knows "the list" is of people "at their hottest". Silly man...[]

Joyce, your comments about your DH not noticing anything kind of reminds me of my situation with my ex.  I didn't HEAR anything she said.  Not really hear, anyway.  Let me explain.
 
You see, she could ask me a question and I would answer it.  Heck, we might even engage in a short conversation.  The beautiful thing was, my mind would process the information long enough to answer the question or finish the conversation, then I would erase it from my memory.  What I mean was, literally, when she would walk away after one of these episodes, I would have absolutely no idea what she said.  I might know she said something.  I might even know I said something.  I just had no idea what.  It was beautiful.  Frees up all kinds of brain cells.
 
Imagine if I could get paid for teaching that talent to other men.  I would have more money than God.  What most women don't realize is that unless they are asking their husband if he wants sex or a beer, he really doesn't give a hoot what she says.
 
[]

   And then, I dont even want it because it was secondary.

Damn skippy!  Very lame.  To have more of a relationship within an online gaming community than your own home...[sm=uhoh.gif]

ORIGINAL: probe1957

From "Hotel."  I haven't seen her in years.  Did she get ugly? 

not necessarily ugly, just altered.

ORIGINAL: rwbeagles

Bradley I'm surprised you asked that....EVERYONE knows "the list" is of people "at their hottest". Silly man...[]

ahhh... i thought maybe you updated it to whoever was hot now.

Billy, had your ex been a wiser woman she would have learned to turn that to her advantage. [] You know ... "I know I told you about that. I guess you weren't listening." DH will often say he wants to get up at 5:00 a.m to do some work.  Problem is - he doesn't GET up. So I just set the alarm for 7:00 and tell him I woke him up and he answered me.
 
Joyce

Nah...it can be anybody. It's safest to have dead people, currently crusty people, or unreal people anyway as it's REALLY unlikely to happen then..see? lmao!

ORIGINAL: rwbeagles

 He's a people pleaser and non-confrontational and I love to argue and sabotage things. It frustrates me when he will not take bait or just caves then I start thinking mean things like how unmanly that is...
 
 

 
Wow, THAT sounds creepily familiar..I'll give you one guess as to which one of us loves to argue.....
 
It seems that all the women in my family end up with guys like this.  Seriously, my mom has had husbands like this twice, and both of my aunts husbands are just like this.  My family is erm, very "reactive."

ORIGINAL: rwbeagles
Nah...it can be anybody. It's safest to have dead people, currently crusty people, or unreal people anyway as it's REALLY unlikely to happen then..see? lmao!

 
Technically, I suppose you are right.  However, the chance of Heather Locklear knocking on the door wanting to do the big dirty with me isn't terribly high either.  []

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay

I have talked to my mom a lot about what I should do and cried about it when I did decide to tell him to go.  I think I was just scared of doing the wrong thing.  The thing we did realize is that nothing is right or wrong it will just be different.  Its not that I think the grass is greener its just that I dont think its fair that Ive never been to that grass in order to pick which grass I want.  How do I know which grass if Ive only tried one??  []    Anyway... he is becoming insecure about the way I am feeling, and its making me feel it more.  He is childish and I identify a lot with Callie when she says "I didnt have to tell him to breathe!".  That would be nice.  Most of the time lately I feel like a mother instead of a wife.   In one of our arguments I said something about how its not easy and he doesnt get off not trying and he said something like well he was just used to things being easy all the time and not having to do anything.  I about died.  

I guess my mind has been racked and racked over this that Ive gone into an I dont care anymore one way or the other frame of mind.  That wont work in the long run and I know it.  As my mom said I need to be in it or out of it...  Im trying. 

You know, on another hand... after 12 years and being so young it may help us BOTH to realize what we really want in life and verify that its each other or if it is to be apart.  I dont know.  Im so confused.  Feels good to let it out because I keep this stuff bottled up all the time.  Im not comfortable admitting anything is wrong to anyone but since I dont know yall personally its not the same lol.

Matter of fact two nights ago I said we should try being apart and he got mad and went to bed but in the morning was saying how we can do this.  I guess Im just lost as to what to do and it sucks no one can tell me but me.  I love him more than myself, thats not good and another aspect as to why I need to do this.  Its always been that way.  I realize now as an adult its caused a lot of insecurities within myself... Im incredibly insecure with myself.  I dont know who I am alone and thats scary.  We are just together, its all I know.   Im rambling now.... lol  

I just cant explain how back and forth I go over it.  And like Callie said... I am scared of being alone, I never have been.  I have slight control issues, maybe its giving up control thats hard.  I at least have control right now, if I change this I dont have it anymore.  And when you love someone so much you just dont want to hurt them and the hope never goes away.

I feel you.  Dh and I have not been together as long as you two have, but we started dating when we were 18 and got married at 22.  He is my first and only.  I spent my HS years horse crazy and really didn't date.  I have and still do wonder what it would be like with another guy. 

During our really rough periods I was so seriously considering ending it that I even had the financal details worked out.  There were times when I was headed to work I can thisclose to just not stopping at work--just keep driving.

I am a very restless person and am not sure who I am yet.  Most of our issues really are me, DH is wonderful.  However, I am not convinced that it would be any different with anyone else.  My demons would follow me to another relationship--I'm sure of it. 
The bottom line is that I always had something stopping me.  I'm not afraid to be alone, and I could have afforded to be on my own--there was just something that would let me go. 

ALL my issues, none really on his part. My expectations that men yell and throw things and even hit based on what I grew up with, that they cannot be counted on or trusted. No such issues here and it leaves me without anything to do but nit pick...lol.

 
Actually, given that.. it's surprising that you chose him!!!!  Seriously, you must have inherently known that life with him would be good for you - good father, good husband, etc.  That's what we all intellectually want but few of us have the good sense to marry that one the first time around.  [] As far as I'm concerned, you've saved yourself a world of sh*t by picking a good man on the first go.  Get your fight on here Gina!!  Leave that poor man alone   haha, you know what I mean. 

DH and I are celebrating year number 15 next week.  I thought I was prepared to be married at 24 and he was 27.  Ignorance is bliss! 
 
For us the worst year was around year 7 when our daughter was two.  No matter how much you may think you are prepared to have kids you have NO IDEA!  LOL.  I made the common mistake of wrapping myself up in my child and he wrapped himself up in work to compensate. We grew apart and lived apart for 9-10 months.  He acquired a girlfriend and we even had divorce papers drawn up.  I signed but he didn't and that's when we managed to reconcile.  We are now each other's best friend and look at our past as a learning experience on what not to do! 
I also learned that he wasn't the center of my whole existence - no one should have to live with that kind of pressure.  Each of us are now "free-er" to be ourselves and do the things each of us enjoy with out feeling pressured that the other has to participate too.      
 
There are still days when I wonder where I could bury his dead body and I am sure he has days like that too!  But we now know if you truly care about each other those feelings will pass (eventually []).     
 
  

Imagine if I could get paid for teaching that talent to other men. I would have more money than God.

 
Are you serious???  Almost every man I know was born with this ability (or inability).  Even when the wife says "um hon, I'm leaving you", he says "um hmm, I'll be fine, don't worry about me".  Then when he finds himself sitting alone in the dark with that beer, he suddenly realizes he has lost someone he cared deeply about.  Sadly, by the time a woman says "I'm done", she really is.  One guy I know came home to find the phone book open to lawyers.  That's how he found out, but it was after a couple of years of her trying to fix the marriage by herself.

Years of therapy as a teenager Christine lol!
 
I almost made a bad choice before him but I heeded the red lights flashing. He's only the second man I dated so I guess I am a bit lucky lol.
 
I will save up the fight for I-Dog, bwaah ha ha (evil laugh)[sm=devil.gif]