Question for those of you with long marriages

...13 years married, 16 altogether...lived in sin for 2.5...does that count? []

Been married 26 years. Hardest was year 8, we even seperated for 4 months. It was my idea I was really starting to hate him for no other reason than we married when I was so young.

26 years I don't think any were the hardest. I am very fortunate and blessed.

how about if you have been married for what seems like an eternity?

ORIGINAL: TAOofGoldyShep

...13 years married, 16 altogether...lived in sin for 2.5...does that count? []

Well, in case it does count.  My parents split when I was very young and they had ups and many downs in relationships after that...so I was not very keen on the whole marriage deal.  I waited much longer than any of my friends, marrying at 27, and many of my friends were already having babies and getting divorced.
 
The hardest section for me was the first few years...being highly independent and adjusting to the "we" versus the "me" ...and trying to find a balance with the private time for myself, that is essential to my well-being.  I am pleased to say that I'm very glad that I took the risk, as I am overwhelmingly blessed with the best hubby on the planet.  He's turned out to be the other half of my brain! []

I am on my second marriage.  If this one doesn't work, I give up on the whole institution.

The first time around, I was married for 25 years.  I would consider that a pretty long time.

What happened?  My ex summed it up best when she said, "We didn't have a bad marriage, we had a lonely marriage."  I would agree with that and I accept complete responsibility for the failure of our marriage.

We were so young when we got married.  My ex's parents even had to give their approval.  She was 17, I was 19.  Absurd, I know, but them's the facts.  I was in the Army when we got married.  Certainly not an easy situation to bring a young girl into.  The Army, as they are wont to do, sent me overseas for a year.  That didn't help.  Then came yet another of my brilliant ideas, drugs.  If you have a shaky marriage, I do not recommend introducing drugs into the equation.  A year after we were married, we had a baby.

So, I get out of the Army, with an education, at least, to go along with my drug problem.  Well actually, I still had a year of school to go but that passed uneventfully. 

After graduation, I decided that my primary responsibility as a husband and a father was to make as much money as I could.  I embraced this idea with a passion.  I had, by most reasonable standards, produced some degree of success, but the price was high.  I was almost never home and when I was home, I was working.  But we had a nice house, nice cars, and lots of toys.  During our marriage, my wife did not work.  In my mind, it was my responsibility to produce the income. 

We had, I thought, arrived.  But arrived where?  Wherever it was, it turned out, no one wanted to go there in the first place.  No one but me anyway. 

At some point we made, for all practical purposes, a business like decision to end our marriage.  Our oldest boy was grown, leaving the two younger boys at home.  Without any hassle at all, I gave all of our property to my wife.  Everything.  I figured, she had the kids so that was only right.  Besides, I had made it all happen once, I could do it again.

Today, my ex and I remain close.  The best decision we made, during our marriage, was to end it in such a fashion that we did not end up hating each other.

I've been married 20 years, really haven't had any tough times that stressed the marriage, the tough times seemed to bring us  even closer together.. Right now having 2 teenagers and a 12 year old is tough, but not on the marriage. Our oldest son is a bit trying lately, nothing really bad, but has a crummy attitude at times and needs to grow up some, not blame his stupidity on others. He will be in college next year, so hopefully he'll shape up. (fingers crossed).
Isn't there supposed to be something called the seven year itch??

Well, mines not all THAT long, but I do feel qualified to answer.  I got married when I was 19 (he was 21).  We have dated since I was 12!  I know, I know.  With only a few short split ups (and always talking during those anyway) we married after those 7 years.  We have been married for almost 5 years now.  So the grand total of 12 years with this person.  I know how crazy it is and it may seem to some to have begun dating and all so young. 

Of the 5 years of marriage this last 4th one, and currently, has been bar far the hardest.  I think the thing we do have going for us is that we are best friends first, married second.  I think thats also the problem.  Its such a hard thing to give up on when you know you have the connection and comfort and love that you KNOW will not happen ever again. 

That doesnt mean we wouldnt be happier with an alternate partner though.  Its a tough thing to decide to end it.  I know that if we do we will always be friends.  I have tried a few times to end it... he doesnt want to and begs and we argee to keep trying although I tell him it scares me that we may end up ruining it completely by not accepting what has happened. 

I think at this point its me.  In the past it was him, doing all the wrong things and me sticking it out.  Now I think that we are older and hes talking kids and had gotten all his issues out of the way Im starting to realize that I have never experienced another man, on any level other than friends... and that intrigues me.  Im trying to see if this urge to get out there and see what the dating life is like and either love it or be reassured that he is the one will go away.  Its not going away, Im just dealing with it the best I can for now. 

I guess the thing is, that we are happy.  Why end a good thing just because your curious.  Of course we have our issues but what marriage wont have issues?  []
 

We've been married a little over 28 years.  We got married when I was 18 and he was 19 for all the wrong reasons, ie: we both wanted to move out of our family homes.  We had only known each other for 6 months, but he made me laugh, so I figured "why not".
Shortly afterward, babies started arriving, 3 of them in 3.5 years.
Those first few years were the hardest.  We had no money, little family support, and really no direction to head.
What changed for us, was him enlisting in the Army.  All of a sudden we were 2000 miles away from home and all we had was each other to lean on.  Looking back, I would say that is when we began to grow up and began to really fall in love with each other.
Over the years there have been a few waves, but we are each other's best friends.  Our kids turned into well-functioning members of society, so we did something right along the way!
We work together every day (own a business), and do pretty much everything together after work.  People often comment how they never see one of us without the other.
I believe the key to our long marriage has been COMMUNICATION.  About everything, big and small, every day.

That makes a lot of sense Angela.  I think when you get married so young your going to have to actually fall "in love" in an adult sense when you get older or it will never evolve out of the friendship stage after the puppy teenage thing wears away, and it inevitably will.  And on that note, something may have to inspire that out of the day in and day out same old, as in your situation.  That may be why statistically young marriages end.

ORIGINAL: loveukaykay
Im starting to realize that I have never experienced another man, on any level other than friends... and that intrigues me. 

 
Mark, you wanna field this one?  []

I'm not sure if Gina had a specific reason for starting this thread besides just opening up discussion, but I think it's a great topic! I'm coming up on my 4th wedding anniversary and we've been dating for 7 years--so I'm still a newbie. But I really appreciate everyone who has posted their experiences. It's great to hear the success and failure stories and be able to learn a little more about how to make a marriage last.
 
DH and I have been threw quite a few rocky situations already in our relationship. We were dumb college kids when we got together and still figuring out who we were. We worked through some major issues (different religions, different eating habits--i'm vegetarian, he's not, family problems, and much more). But we got through it by communicating. There is nothing that we can't talk about. And I think that's a big key to having a healthy relationship and a lasting marriage.
 
In 20 years, when I look back, I hope to be able to say that these past couple of years were the hardest. Out of 4 years of marriage, DH has been deployed for 1 year and he's still got 8 months to go. Being half a world away from your best friend and partner is so hard. Which is why the military has such a high divorce rate. But again the key is communication.

My parents have been married for 25 years I think. There are still very much in love, embarrasingly so sometimes. But, better than having devorced parents. They joke about having 23 happy years of marriage.   They talk a lot and have a date every week. We also have a family night every week, and I think that helps with the kids relationships with our parents. Also, whatever mom wants, mom gets. Kids come after eachother.  Bummer for us kids, but I hope I get a husband a lot like my dad.
My parents also talk to us a lot about what being married and other stuff means. They said when they first got married they operated out of their controling side and wanted everything their way, instead of their fun side and that didn't work very well, but now that they both have fun with eachother it goes a lot easier.

We've been married just over 25 years.  I can think of 2 stumbling blocks we've over come- the first was about 2 years after we got married, when my now youngest sister came to live with us (my mother kicked her out).  I'm not even sure you could call it a stumbling block- at the time, things were pretty tense and cold between us, but after a couple of weeks we realized that even from 150 miles, my mother was instigating the problems.  That ended that.  The only real big stumbling block we've had revolved around my PMS.  I really was impossible to live with- dramatic mood swings, irritable, irrational, etc..  My husband sticking it out shows what a great, caring guy he is.  Anyway, things have been great ever since I got a handle on the PMS.  Thank God that was only a small portion of the years we've had together.