Question for those of you with long marriages

Amy, I wonder if you guys wouldn't benefit from some counselling.  I really think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal.  It might be helpful to have someone tell you that and to help you deal with the feelings.  Your mother probably isn't the best person to discuss your feelings with.  She, rightfully so, only cares about you.  A professional counsellor, depending on your viewpoint, will care about both of you equally or neither of you.
 
You say you love him.  That has to be a major plus for trying to make the marriage work.  If you didn't love him, it would be a done deal.  If he is a good man who treats you well and loves you and you love him, believe me, that means a whole lot.  No relationship is going to be perfect.  I doubt that the right course of action for you would be to spend the rest of your life trying to find one that is.
 
You said something that made me think you might be a little bit curious about the sexual aspect of a relationship with another man.  Forgive me if I read that wrong,   Obviously, it is possible for you to experiment with another sexual relationship and to do so with little chance of getting caught.  But, as Nixon said to Haldeman, "We could do it, but it would be wrong."  Having been there and done that myself, on BOTH sides of the equation, I have to say, it is not a good idea.  In fact, it is a horrible idea.
 
To my way of thinking, a fundamental part of a good marriage is trust.  Once your trust has been violated, I don't think you can ever completely get that back.  Without trust, I really believe a good marriage is impossible.  People who are in marriages that have experienced an affair will tell you, you never totally get over it.  Affairs ruin marriages.
 
It sounds to me you've got a pretty decent guy who cares about you and for whom you care.  You can build on that.  Talk to someone who can help you do it.

I love to argue and sabotage things.

 
[sm=eek.gif] No Way!!! You?? I don't believe it. LOL []

To my way of thinking, a fundamental part of a good marriage is trust.  Once your trust has been violated, I don't think you can ever completely get that back.  Without trust, I really believe a good marriage is impossible.  People who are in marriages that have experienced an affair will tell you, you never totally get over it.  Affairs ruin marriages.

 
Very true. From my own experience, I have never felt more hurt in all my life, ever. I still could get sick when i think about it. I trust DH but I can not honestly say 100%. I'd like to think I can, and I'd like to believe what he said "We were not married yet. It was just before we got married, but I take my vows seriously and would never do anything like that to you again"
 
There were times where I thought, "I'll cheat on him, then we're even" But I couldn't do it.  So no I have never gotten over it and it's been years. I just chose to push it away and move on if I want this to work. Doesn't mean I still wouldn't like to break his nose.[]

I have truly grown to believe that a relationship is only worth what both parties put into it, and that if you carry your own unresolved issues into another relationship it becomes "same sh&!, different face."

Anyway... he is becoming insecure about the way I am feeling, and its making me feel it more.

 
Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened with my first marriage.  I actually felt like I couldn't breathe at times because of the clinginess.  It was awful to watch this person who had always been my rock start acting like a scared child.  Intellectually he knew he needed to back off a little, but emotionally he was holding on for dear life.  I had created that environment though, both by never being independent and then suddenly wanting more freedom, and looking back I can't say I would've acted any differently than he did.  One Sunday I went shopping with his sister.  We came out of the store and I realized it was later than I'd thought (I'd probably been gone 2-3 hours).  As usual, I felt like a kid who was out past my curfew.  I dropped her off and asked her to call him to tell him I was on the way home.  He hung up on her and when I got home he would barely speak to me, then I saw that he'd thrown away the flowers he'd bought the day before (to say he was sorry for the way he'd been acting).  That was when I realized whether I'd created it or not, I couldn't live that way any longer.  Still, it wasn't easy to walk away and there were many nights that I found myself back at our house with him.  It took a long time to finally make a complete break and we shed a LOT of tears.
 
I highly recommend counseling too.  Even if you can't go together, having someone unbiased to share your feelings with really helps.  It's important to find someone that works well for you though, and if they don't, find someone else.  If nothing else, know that if/when you walk away you're absolutely sure of your decision.

ORIGINAL: angeltrudelle

"We were not married yet. It was just before we got married, but I take my vows seriously and would never do anything like that to you again"

 
That's a loophole that I think you've got to give him.  Lots of guys get one last piece of strange before they are married.  Personally, I don't think it's a big deal.

There were times where I thought, "I'll cheat on him, then we're even"

 
The problem is, it wouldn't make you feel even, it would make you feel wrong.  Of course there is the potential that it could be a VERY satisfying type of wrong feeling.  If you want to pursue it, call my wife for Mark's rate card.  He is cheap but at least is is ugly.   []

I got married when I was 32.  I'd "sewn a lot of oats," as did my DH.  We both agree that we prefer it that way.  We've been married 12 (I think) years.  When I was just a pup I went through a relationship where I was the "clinger." I didn't know any better and didn't realize how disgusting it was until hindsight kicked in when I was clear of the altered state that young love can do to your brain.  Unfortunately,  now I'm kinda the reverse.  It's hard for me completely give of myself.  I know I keep my DH at arm's length, but I am forcing myself to be better, nicer, more giving, et cetera.  It's a struggle. 
 
I think we have a pretty good marriage though.  We've been through some VERY tough emotional times and it has helped bond us.  The best thing we've ever done is to keep things exciting.  No matter how much we can drive each other crazy, we challenge each other doing new things together.  Right now we do martial arts and we love it.  I truly think this helped our relationship more than anything.  Ya gotta make it new, challenging.  It's just as good as finding someone new and doesn't cause permanent damage.
 
Kids, of course, are a big bond.  I probably would have tossed it long ago, and regretfully, if it wasn't for the kids. 

That's a loophole that I think you've got to give him.  Lots of guys get one last piece of strange before they are married.  Personally, I don't think it's a big deal.
 
I hold the view, like Sunlight Gardner....that, "ALL boys are bad...it's axiomatic". [] 
 
My trust for my husband is actually not that he would never cheat...but that he will never put himself into a position where cheating would be possible or an option. IMO that's what you can control.
 
You cannot control how you react to people because that is biology...some people you are not married to and may not even like, or know personally, but they ush your buttons and get you warm. The 'human' and more important "monogamous" part of the equation is being able to read those signs as danger and remove yourself from the situation...not linger in it or think about it or enable it. That truly takes adult behavior.
 
For what it's worth I have a list of famous eople that I am allowed to sleep with once should they ever ask....I encourage my husband to keep one too...tho he refuses to play lmao!

Billy, thanks..  I have thought about counseling.  I really think that my mind works enough that I know what I need to know.  That may sound ignorant but I think most who know me would agree.  I am VERY fair and always think things through, look at all aspects, all outcomes, everyone involved's feelings, etc.  I will drive myself crazy.  I truly feel like a therapist would give me one more thing to be up at night analyzing.  I dont know tho, as I do realize the possibility of benefit.
 
Never ever would I cheat.  I am honest to a serious serious fault.  Ive got a conscience like a moutain.  I feel guilty for the stupidest things and dont feel better until I tell someone.  I think over the years that has rubbed off on DH and thats an aspect of our reltionship that I know would be hard to find again.  The utter and complete honesty.
 
Cathy, I cant believe how similar this is.  I have always been so so so in love and (hate to admit it) dependent on him.  I couldnt live without him type of thing.  He could do no wrong in my eyes and looking back I was an idiot!  He did a lot wrong.  He was horrible to me for a while when we were younger, a lot of things that are hard to talk about, but I loved him and I wasnt going anywhere.  I did one day, tell him he can shove it... and about 2 weeks later he called with all these promises to be a new person to me.  Of course I took him back.  That was about 7 years ago, we got married a few years after all that. 
 
To be honest I dont know when exactly I became independent.  I think after just years and years of someone half assing it and promising things that never happen you detach.  He is freaking out on the inside and I can see it.  Exactly like you said, he has always had me clinging and now suddenly Im pulling and hes holding on like his life depends on it.  Which of course in turn makes me feel overwhelmed and pull more.
 
I think the real turn for me was right after Kayla died.  DH had been playing "World of Warcraft" for about a year then and was playing more and more.  I saw the back of his head more than anything and to ask a question was to be answered with an annoyed hurried up halfway there sentence because he was playing.  I was getting pretty upset but I had Kayla.  I guess I just thought I had it in me to work through this too.  Then when Kayla died I went into a serious hole.  I will never forget, and it makes me cry to sit here and think about it, how alone I felt.  He resorted to his game, and I resorted my thoughts.  A few months after she died I remember telling him it was over for me.  He was shocked.  I had to TELL him that he had not once been a shoulder to cry on about her.... we hadnt even talked about it.  I had talked about it with a lot of people and cried on a lot of shoulders but his was not one of them and he didnt even know it. 
 
Anyway, since then I dont feel like I need him for much of anything.  Its a hard thing to say... but its the truth.   And whether to continue is becoming a constant burden.  Every day it changes, every day its on my mind. 
 
The thing we DO have is a lot of history.  Weve been through a lot, we have a comfort level that almost seems to comfy, an honesty, a trust, and a true deep love.  Thats what we do have.  Although it doesnt seem like enough sometimes. 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Gina your husband sounds like a great guy.  I just can relate to the fact that, everyone wants something different.  And there has to be more than all the right qualities.  I do think people change and grow apart for whatever reason... giving up the right qualities to go into the unknown is scary tho. 

OK -  bear with me here.  Computer died and I'm using DS #2s laptop & it drives me nuts,  It's like I never learned to type.[:@] We'll celebrate our 40th. anniversary on January 28.  Every year has its ups and downs.  No one year stands out as being a particularly "good" or "bad" year. I never sowed any wild oats either.  Remember nuns??? I was a virgin on my wedding night and except for the occasional, fleeting "Hmm. Wonder if I missed out on anything really good" I have no regrets about that. I spent my 10th. anniversay in the hospital having DS #2 and came perilously close to spending the 1st. one in jail in Mexico - but that's a story for another time. Years ago it used to bug me that DH just never noticed anything. I could have dyed my hair purple, shaved my head or painted the walls in black and yellow stripes - the man saw nothing,  Then one day a light bulb went on and I realized that between the two extremes - noticing nothing and noticing every little thing - noticing nothing is better.[] Waaay better. Now, when he finally does see something (maybe months after the fact) my answer is always the same. "That?  That's been here forever.  Don't you remember?  You were with me when I bought it." He doesnt remember - he doesn't know - life is good.  We balance each other out, we like each others friends and relatives, he has no problems with dog hair. What more could I ask?
 
Joyce

ORIGINAL: rwbeagles

For what it's worth I have a list of famous eople that I am allowed to sleep with once should they ever ask....I encourage my husband to keep one too...tho he refuses to play lmao!

LOL.  My wife and I have the same list.  I can't remember who is on hers, other than George Strait.  Mine has Connie Selleca and Heather Locklear.

Anyway, since then I dont feel like I need him for much of anything.

 
I've never been married, so I have no advice and probably seem naive to the rest who've been there, done that.  But this got me thinking... aren't you in a better position for NOT needing him for something?  Meaning, with the dependence gone, you can explore who you are and who he is, without the framework/context of needing him/the relationship?   (I do not mean that in the "threatening to run off at any moment" kind of way.  More like, a fresh approach.)  Maybe you already have done this, and this is more of a conclusive statement than I originally read?  But I'd think the opportunity to explore your relationship without the constraints of dependence/inter-dependence could be an especially gifted chance to see yourself and him through fresh eyes?

ORIGINAL: probe1957

Mine has Connie Selleca and Heather Locklear.

the connie selleca of today? or the connie that starred on "hotel" with james brolin?

ORIGINAL: cyclefiend2000
the connie selleca of today? or the connie that starred on "hotel" with james brolin?

 
From "Hotel."  I haven't seen her in years.  Did she get ugly?