calliecritturs
Posted : 11/16/2006 12:05:01 AM
I was 32 when I married my 1st husband and frankly I just married a 'friend' simply because I was so darned tired of being a-l-o-n-e ALL the time (and I'm an only child which further added to the "sick of being ALONE" thing).
I had ZERO experience with men at the time and didn't see some huge and broad PROBLEMS before we married (him being a pathological liar and having some major emotional problems for starters). I stayed with him for 10 years essentially because I knew without me he'd self-destruct. Finally I figured out not only was he an adult and needed to accept responsibility for himself and that he'd just drag me into the toilet with him AND I had to realize that my biggest problem was "needing to be needed" by a needy person. DUMB.
That being said, I got alone and got SANE. And I met David in the meanwhile. My husband is not an American, and that makes a huge difference in this particular case. He'd never been married (which scared the tar out of me).
But the operative detail is the fact that we met online (yep, back in the bad old days when you didn't pay to be part of a singles chat room *grin*) so we had to learn to communicate. We also had to learn to have fun and make time for each other (not to dictate what each other did -- being with someone 'normal' was a whole new deal for me ... I didn't have to tell him to breathe!! Wow!!)
For me the big deal is we're better together than we are apart. He IS the best part of me. HE makes me better simply because he's 'him'. 10 years of a LOT of learning. We re-newed our vows at 5 years (his idea -- in fact we planned it when we were on our honeymoon the first time). And next March we'll do it again. We try really hard to have 'fun' at least once a week.
But I think part of the 'big deal' is we made a promise to each other on our honeymoon -- that we'd always try to 'out do' each other in being good to each other. The little things we both 'do' that we don't really LIKE to do, but we do simply because we know the other will perceive it as a nice thing he/she did for ME.
I can honestly say I love him more now than I did 10 years ago. And coming from someone who was pretty badly abused in my first relationship, that's saying a lot -- because when you truly 'love' someone that gives them enormous power over you ... and once burned you can be really scaredy of that 'power' ... but at the same time, I took a big 'risk' to trust this man and it was a good one.
Our most difficult time? The beginning was tough -- The whole immigration/INS thing was nerve-wracking and David didn't have a "college degree" (but was making enormous money in the UK which he LEFT to come here and live with me). He humbled himself doing temp accounting work (often being no more than a glorified copy clerk) but he worked constantly. (my first husband's answer to everything wasn't to work himself but for me to get ANOTHER job -- even going from two jobs to THREE if *he* needed more money).
This year has been tough -- he's worked huge hours, and he lost his Dad last year at Easter and his sister 2 months ago. Add to that the frenzy with Billy's illness and both of us being so tired we could weep most of the time -- but because we stick with some basic ground rules (like I never EVER eat dinner without him even if I wait til 2:00 a.m. to eat) -- it's not a big deal to sacrifice for each other when we know both of us are trying to still 'out do' the other to be good to each other. Make it not only tolerable but GRAND.