Question for those of you with long marriages

Did you not notice this before you got married?

See what? that he wouldn't take bait and argue back? Of course...that's why it was important that I married him...lol.

 
Isn't is amazing how the very thing that attracts us to our SO is usually the very thing that repels us later!  LOL.    I read somewhere once that men get married hoping she won't change and women get married hoping he will. I admit being guilty of that myself. 
 
Best piece of advice I ever got was from my Granny who is quite the character.
She told me "You've heard not to sweat the petty stuff saying before but in marriage it goes like this - Don't sweat the petty stuff but sometimes you have to pet the sweaty stuff."   
 
Not the advice you need for your situation but it makes me laugh everytime I think of her saying it - I squirted Sprite out my nose on that one since she caught me by surprise! 
 

Amy,  As was posted earlier, if you are at the point of being done and admitting it, you've probably been done for a while.  Counseling only works if both parties are working toward the same goal.  My ex told the therapist to "fix me to think like him, then we'd be okay."  She told him not to come back.
 
I did not enter into my decision to leave lightly.  Several years together and a child were big factors.  Once I decided, I took a rogram in community college so I could go.  I had to plan on at least two years.  I only had a few credits left, but I couldn't stay with him any longer.  Don't be afraid to be on your own.  It was the best thing I could have done for me. 
 
I got involved with him when I was 19 - he was 36.  I barely dated in high school, but he'd been around the world (literally).  I was his 3rd wife, but thought I was "the one".  After we split, he moved in with another woman and was remarried again in less than 6 months.  He hated being alone.
 
Some advice: don't think for a New York minute that having a baby will fix things - it won't in the long run.  Don't have an affair unless you want to drive the final nail into the coffin.  Women are more forgiving of their SOs affairs than men are.  Men get hung up on sexual aspect of it, even if the woman got involved because of an emotional need (to feel wanted, cared about, listened to).

he is becoming insecure about the way I am feeling, and its making me feel it more. He is childish and I identify a lot with Callie when she says "I didnt have to tell him to breathe!".

 
Wow I really see where you're coming from there. I was in a very similar relationship, and the more my BF needed me the more I wanted to push him away. It sickened me to have another grown person so dependent on me. I ended the relationship (mind you it was not marriage and we were young). I haven't looked back since. The next guy I dated was much more confident in himself and it was such a relief. I enjoyed myself so much more, not having to constantly baby a grown man... it's harsh but that's how I felt.

ORIGINAL: sharismom

I got involved with him when I was 19 - he was 36. 

 
Wonder why it didn't work out?  []
 
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
 
Isn't your current DH quite a bit older than you are, Tina?  For some reason, I am thinking that.

because she wasnt 19 anymore?

"i love these high school girls. i keep getting older, but they stay the same age." --- wooderson, "dazed and confused"

i love that line! []

ORIGINAL: probe1957

ORIGINAL: sharismom

I got involved with him when I was 19 - he was 36. 

Wonder why it didn't work out?  []

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Isn't your current DH quite a bit older than you are, Tina?  For some reason, I am thinking that.

 
That's okay.  I've always been an old soul.  My adoptive parents were "old" in comparison to my peers' parents.  We were raised the old-fashioned way - spare the rod, spoil the child.  I grew up listening to old music like "The Ink Spots" and such.  I never even wore a pair of jeans until I was 13.
 
The marriage didn't work out because of his alcoholism.  I couldn't take the abuse and roller coaster ride anymore.
 
I'm not married now.  My ex-DH is the only marriage I've had.  He was the Navy man (that's where we met), father of my son.  I do have a boyfriend who is only 3 years older than I am, but he doesn't live with me.  I've been on my own now for nearly 9 years.

I guess I didn't realize you were divorced from the Navy guy, Tina.  Sorry.

No big deal.  It's tough to follow the soap opera of people's lives when you only "know" them from the internet.

Yes, it hard to see him acting so childish lately.  Ive even told him "STOP acting like a baby!"  As I think all couples who have been together acquire, we have a few sayings and words and ways of saying things that are sort of an inside joke and he has begun doing those things ALL the time.  Its hard to catch him talking to me regular.  He always wants to cuddle and be touching me somehow, even if its just his foot.  I think while Im typing this its sounds stupid and petty but when its a constant thing and you can feel the need behind it, its just suffocating.  I think the worst thing for me is he will kiss me on the cheek, then closer to the mouth, then the mouth, then cheek.... on and on and his face is right there in my face for a very long time and I just cant explain how much I hate it.  I dont think I would like it if ANYONE did that, not just him, its like "Get out of my face for Gods sakes!".    I feel guilty for feeling these things but man give ME the opportunity to want to go by you...  dont make it to where its always a relief when your sitting over there, ya know?
 
Cathy, I know kids wont solve anything, but do I know he'd be a great dad.  He has 5 siblings and they have about 10 kids between them and he is GREAT with them.  He has been around babies and young kids since he was 10 since hes the youngest of his siblings, and there are still babies over there.  And it is a long time coming.  Its just hard for me I guess to admit that I cant fix this.
 
Terri, its great for me to type all this out.  I feel a LOT better even though nothing has been solved just to have told others about it.  Its amazing how it feels, honestly, to let it out. 

I think the worst thing for me is he will kiss me on the cheek, then closer to the mouth, then the mouth, then cheek.... on and on and his face is right there in my face for a very long time and I just cant explain how much I hate it.

 
This is where I think a good counselor can really help.  If nothing else, it helps you realize you're not evil or crazy.  The first one we saw wasn't good at all, but the second one was great.  So, for stuff like this she'd actually say to him "why are you doing this?"  It was such a safe place to actually say how I felt and be brutally honest.  More important than anything else though was that he would actually listen to her.  I could say "when you do this it hurts my feelings" or something similar, and he'd blow me off or it'd turn into an argument.  BUT when she said "when you do that, it's disrespectful to her" his reaction was completely different.  We went weekly for about a year and I really looked forward to it.  When we had problems after that, we'd say "guess we better go see Smitty", and it would help get us back on track.  Might not have mattered, but she moved to Alaska and we split for good about a year later.  Seriously though, having had such a good counselor like her makes me a huge believer. 

ORIGINAL: cakana

I think the worst thing for me is he will kiss me on the cheek, then closer to the mouth, then the mouth, then cheek.... on and on and his face is right there in my face for a very long time and I just cant explain how much I hate it.

This is where I think a good counselor can really help.  If nothing else, it helps you realize you're not evil or crazy.  The first one we saw wasn't good at all, but the second one was great.  So, for stuff like this she'd actually say to him "why are you doing this?"  It was such a safe place to actually say how I felt and be brutally honest.  More important than anything else though was that he would actually listen to her.  I could say "when you do this it hurts my feelings" or something similar, and he'd blow me off or it'd turn into an argument.  BUT when she said "when you do that, it's disrespectful to her" his reaction was completely different.  We went weekly for about a year and I really looked forward to it.  When we had problems after that, we'd say "guess we better go see Smitty", and it would help get us back on track.  Might not have mattered, but she moved to Alaska and we split for good about a year later.  Seriously though, having had such a good counselor like her makes me a huge believer. 

I guess as far as counseling goes I wonder if it so hard to keep it together, and we're a couple who would need constant counseling, why even be together?  Maybe its just me, but to think of a future with contant "help" to keep it together... wouldnt it be better off finding someone who its easier with?  I dont know why Im against counseling, I guess Ive seen a lot of people not benefit.  And in your case it did help but Im not sure I want to be in this struggle forever... I already have.

Well you might not need constant counseling. Maybe just having someone outside the relationship to talk to the two of you would help you both get your feelings in perspective. Having a moderator also makes it easier to be honest with each other about what you're really thinking and feeling. And after you can do that with each other, it may become clear that you just shouldn't be together. Or you may be able to make it work.
 
I'm sure you know this already, but no relationship is going to be easy. And just because it's easy, doesn't make it good. Sometimes having to work real hard at something makes it that much better in the end.

I know.  We do talk all the time.  Everything is out on the table.  We dont yell or fight, when talk for long periods of times about what each of us is unhappy about and what we want and what we can do about it and all that.  We are very good at communicating with each other.  Its never a yelling fighting thing.  Thats good because I cant handle that sort of stuff.
 
 
 

Been traveling on business this week and no time to post, but having just celebrated 18, I feel I might have something to contribute.
 
Hardest points on a timeline were the first 6 months, year 7 to 8 and somewhere around year 12 or 13.  And while I POSSIBLY might have been having the classic 7 year itch, I think usually, we had problems because one of us was unhapppy, in a rut or feeling a lack of equity in the relationship.  Yes, it's not uncommon to wonder what it might be like to be with someone else.  That year 7 thing was a lot of my feeling nostalgic for the RUSH of that first, uncertain, scintillating phase of a relationship.  The excitement, the headiness. 
 
But at other points we were more vulnerable and less willing to work or risk because personally, one of us was out of sorts.  Unhappy with job. Unhappy with what we had or how we spent our money.  And the money stuff, whether it's tight or not, comes down to our values - we each spend money on the things we value and when we aren't in synch or can't at least respect one another's values, there is trouble. 
 
I think counseling can certainly help - we did it briefly.  Opened a few doors of communication - made us confront a few things. We were NOT completely honest in there though - I think it could have been more fruitful if we were more honest with her and with each other.  Still, I think  we got some useful tools out of the exercise. 
 
FYI - I married at just barely 25 and we had been together for a period of about 9 months 3 years earlier.  We'd not seen each other in 3 years and ended up seeing each other while I was home for a wedding. At the end of those 9 days, he asked and eventually, I said yes. We got married 5 months later (still living several state apart during that time).  To say that this marriage has lasted longer than almost anyone thought is an UNDERSTATEMENT!

I have been married 16 years.
I love him more today than the day I married him, I never thought it was posssible.
 
The hardest part was about the 4,5,6 yr mark... I think things begin to get boring, go to work, come home, dinner, tv, bed.
You start to take each other for granted, you think about what your putting in to the relationship. I started to think of it as I was always doing and he wasnt, when what I should have been thinking is what am I not doing.
 
Anyway, I have to say humor has got us through many a rough spot. Learn to laugh....... so important....
 
Keep having date nights. Learn to focus more on each other and their happiness instead of your own.
 
Dont get lost in the kids, when they are grown and gone its just you two.