Married folk - living/working apart?

 My DH and I were engaged but living apart for a year.  I lived 500 miles away so visits were infrequent, but we made it work and we're now living together and happier. :)

What all do you need to know?

Just if it's common or a stupid idea.  It's really the only way I see it working, if that's the job that DH wants.  I'm not opposed to it, but I'm far more independent.

Ah - I think if you're the independent sort (I am very much so) it's not too bad.  It also depends a lot on how much you trust you SO.  The people I knew that had issues with LDRs were either very dependent on the SO or were paranoid about cheating and similar. 

Would he be close enough to come home on weekends?  I bet that would make things much easier.

My sister and her DH have lived apart during the week their entire marriage almost.  He travels for work and is stationed at jobs all over the country for x amount of time.  She always just stayed home.  It has gotten to a point now that she can't imagine it any other way.  LOL  My guess would be how often you could see each other.

I trust him.  It's only about 1.5-2 hrs most, so we could definitely meet on weekends.  He's excited about getting a new job, moving, etc but this is the reality - I can't just quit my job unless he is somehow able to make double what he's being offered.

We have done this as well.  It can work for everyone, so long as you keep the common goal in mind.  DH doesn't like being alone, but I handle it much better than he does.

I know his family is going to give him/me/us (probably mostly me) a ton of crap about it.  That stuff just bounces off me but gets to him.  I just think, what if one of us joined the military?  At least this way we can see each other once a week or more if we want.

I was a Navy wife at one time, so have definitely been there without the benefit of being able to see him on the weekends.  It's an adjustment at first.  I don't personally mind being alone, I had places to go when I needed interaction with people.

I am in a long-distance relationship now.  He lives about 100 miles away.  I don't see him every weekend.  I have my routines and when we do get together, it wigs me out because everything is thrown off, but some of that is simply a matter of me adapting.

It can work, esp. if you have a goal in mind and a time-frame in which to accomplish it.   As you stated, if he moves, it will give him time to get the lay of the land and you can job hunt in the area.  Not a bad plan

I realize because of his seizure disorder, you'd probably be more concerned about him being alone.  My ex-husband never liked to be alone.  When he was, he spent more money and drank even more.  As far as cheating, well, either partner can do that whether you live together or a million miles apart.  The distance provides a convenient excuse, but I believe that if the partner is inclined to cheat, he/she will find a way.

Is there a chance that you will find a job in that area that you are happy with? Is it possible that he will work at this job, gain some experience, and eventually be able to get a job near to where you both live now? I think the realistic future is definitely something that needs to be thought about.

I also have a coworker who owns an apartment here in Brooklyn, but about a year and a half ago they bought a house in upstate New York, near to her husbands new job. She stays in the apartment in the city near her job, and he stays in the house in the suburbs near his job. They spend the weekends together in the house. Each of the locations are about an hour and a half from the other. This works well enough, but she frequently laments that she's tired of "this life", being separate from her husband, etc. He is actually looking for a job in the city again, for various reasons.

I think its definitely doable for the short term, but I think it would be difficult for the long run.

Liesje

I just think, what if one of us joined the military?  At least this way we can see each other once a week or more if we want.

Exactly - it's not crazy or uncommon for spouses to be apart a large amount of the time. However, that doesn't mean it would be easy, and doesn't necessarily mean it would work well for your situation. But if you decide that it would be a good idea, especially if it's just a short-term arrangement, there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with doing what works best for you!

 I don't have any personal experience with succesful distance relationships but these ones I think were on the out before the distance was part of the issue. I had a friend whose dad, was still married to her mother, but lived down south. He had a girlfriend, they just never divorced. It was strange.

I applaud you for supporting your husband on his new job. In our state in this economy one must "grab the ring". I hope it is a good long term opportunity for both of you! Is it still in MI? I would also think with your skills you would not have too hard a time to find a job when you are ready. Computer knowledge is still in demand.

When DH got the job with the State, it was in Detroit, we were in Lansing. He commuted for over a year! Then I was able to work a transfer with in my company I worked for and we moved. That was a lot of time on the road for him. 

I think your plan is a healthy one. 

When David and I were first together he was in the UK and I was here.  And even after we got married, he had to go back to the UK for a few months to get everything in order over there.  But that year before we were married was VERY difficult for many reasons.   

However, first of all (I'm going to raise all the "practical" issues here, ok?) remember if BOTH of you are paying rent you're going to see very little advantage of this.  Unless he can find a "room" in somebody's house cheap (so he doesn't have to pay utilities) *and* the fact that he'll be running X miles on his car (I know you two share cars sometimes) that too can be more of an expense than you'd think.  Food for two people at opposite ends of the universe is more expensive (unless you both like to cook?) and even then there's expense in setting up a second household that may not be easy or cheaply done.

Next -- you're the independant one and quite honestly that's a blessing and a cursing all in one.  Because flatly it may be easier for you to live alone than it will be for him -- and that can be really hard for the husband to deal with (they begin rapidly to feel extraneous, particularly if family/friends are buying into the whole deal).  In turn, that can make YOU enjoy your independance a bit too much and it makes being together more difficult when you ARE together.

This is not insurmountable at all -- but just plain to 'call a spade a spade' usually two people don't respond to this the same way.  For some couples they LOVE it -- they love the "space" and freedom but like the together time when they get it.  For some couples, it can mean the death of the relationship. 

Obviously the economics aren't easy now since he's looking for another job ... so it's already a challenge.  But the bottom line has to be, can YOU live alone with all the current debts/expenses on *just* your salary  ****AND**** can he live alone with the debts he'll generate (from rent to food to car repairs, insurances, etc.).  Then trying to be together on weekends -- again that costs money just to drive from there to here and back again and someone is going without sleep/rest, etc. 

If he thinks he can schlep home on the weekends and bring 6 tons of dirty laundry with him and have you drop everything to "entertain" him while he's "home" when the weekend may be your only time "off" to come to the surface, do laundry, do dog events (whatever you currently DO that occupies the weekend) -- in other words, his expectations and yours of what those "weekends" may be like can be a huge source of irritation.

David and I function best together.  We enjoy each other, enjoy "doing" stuff together and simply enjoy enormously being a couple.  For me, being "alone" was not wonderful -- I'm very independant and strong willed (gee, ya think???) but even tho David and I talked online every single day (even back thirteen years ago we were burning up chat lines) it was very hard to not just talk about the laundry list of "what happened today" and just get to enjoying each other's company. 

Also -- who does the handyman stuff around the house?  You both have family nearby (which we didn't/don't) so if your car explodes that may not be the major malfunction it was for me.  But I know I lived on tomato sandwiches for the two months he was back over there just because it was "too much' to fix real food for one and I could have cared less anyway.

I hope that helped.  I think a ton of it has to do with how you deal with each other individually and what he hopes to gain from this (maybe emotionally as well as financially). 

 Good luck!!

alieliza

Is there a chance that you will find a job in that area that you are happy with? Is it possible that he will work at this job, gain some experience, and eventually be able to get a job near to where you both live now? I think the realistic future is definitely something that needs to be thought about.

Both would be fine by me.  Mind you I'd love a new job, but basically it's like this - our student loan payments are about $1100/mo., rent is currently CHEAP (b/c we landscape and live in a dump that the owners have been trying to sell for years) at $625 so we have to assume a new rental or mortgage would be more, the car loan is $210/mo, and the insurance is like $150 every other month I think.  Right now I take home $2336/mo (not sure what all my taxes and money for benefits is but this is what actually arrives in my account).  The things I've already mentioned amount to $2085/mo and that is before we budget the car gas, DH's cell phone, utilities, food, and dogs.  The job DH will be offered pays about what I make now.  So, just crunching the numbers in 2 minutes there's no way I can realistically quit my job in favor of us moving together and him taking his new job.  You cannot live on $2500/mo when half goes to student loans.  We have not seen the benefits package yet (by law they can't mail it, he will go in later this week) but I will assume that what I have is still better.  We have a good plan through my employer, plus I have dental for both of us, life for both of us, and retirement.  In this economy in this state, I doubt they can match that.  He's still looking for jobs around here and our school system does not hire until mid-August.  If he turns down this job offer, he can always sub full time and honestly make some decent money doing that, so I'm not terribly concerned one way or the other.  I just want to make sure it's not outrageous to suggest that if he really wants this job as a starting point for his career, we'll have to live split.

I should add, living halfway and commuting could be possible, but commuting both ways along the "snow belt" will probably be a nightmare, especially considering we just share one "good" vehicle (the "new" 2004 MPV).

I have a good friend who started this type of arrangement a few months ago.  She and her BF have been living together about 7 or 8 years.  He was unhappy with his job and found a great opportunity about 5 hours away.  He got a studio apartment in that town, and he comes back here when he can (it depends on his work schedule, but it's once or twice a month). 

For them, it works very well.  They don't have children, so no one is stuck being the single parent.  His intent is for this job to be for a couple years or so -- she would never move there, nor would he want to permanently live there (it's a remote place - not desirable at all).  I think it suits them because he was more of a home-body anyway, and she's more social with various classes, activities, etc.  So, she still keeps busy with that stuff, and he focuses on work.

I think I would love such an arrangement.  I'm definitely more of an independent sort, and I enjoy being alone in the house (although it can be creepy at night, I admit).  Also, like my friend, I tend to have more activities than DH, so I wouldn't notice much of a difference there since I do them without him anyway.  Finally, I'd do FAR less cleaning and cooking, so that would be a huge plus!  Maybe I'm wrong, but it would seem like dating again.  Living your own life in the simple routine you each prefer, then getting together to enjoy a fun weekend or whatever, without having to involve the "boring" things like housework when you're together, since you'd each have done that when you were apart. 

I'd give it a try -- it sounds like you'd adjust well to it.  It would at least buy you some time to look for a job there if he decides he really likes the area (and if you feel the same when you visit him there).  It's kind of the best of both worlds -- maintaining your existing life so it can still be there as a fallback option if this new location doesn't suit either of you for whatever reason.