Married folk - living/working apart?

 I bet a big problem will be that he will miss Coke, not that he won't miss me but I don't want him to feel left out like it's me and the dogs in our life and him all alone.  Maybe if we do this I can find a place that will accept Coke.  I would miss him too though...

Hubby and I lived apart for 6 months when his dad died, and he lived with his MOm, who has some mental disabilities due to a stroke. It was hard even though he was close because he was in a special training at work that was every day, and I worked, plus his Mom was two doors down from his ex wife, who tried to use it to push into his life. We have a good relationship, though, and saw each other when we could, made the most of each moment together, and when it was over and they had his MOm fixed up in a living situation, he came back home and we lived happily ever after. I would say trust, independent natures on both sides, and an eye to the future would make it work. Good luck in whatever you decide is the best for the two of you. Julie

My DH and I never actually lived apart but for several years he had a job that required him to work till midnight every night.  He also worked every weekend.  We saw each other rarely and sometimes just in passing.  It took a while for both of us to adjust and it wasn't always easy. But we managed. Then he changed jobs and got a regular 9-5 job and I thought I would go nuts trying to get used to having him around again. LOL   It's just a matter of making up your minds to do it for your future.  Let the family stuff roll off your back.  I've had family members from both sides tell us that we were never going to make it if we did this or that and here we are 35 years later. lol

Jackie now that you mention it, we've sort of done it before.  DH used to work security, 2nd or 3rd shift.  I get up at 7am and work 8am-5pm.  So DH would go to work 4pm and be gone until midnight, at which point I'd already be passed out.  Then I'd get up but he would sleep all day, be gone again before I got home.

JackieG

Then he changed jobs and got a regular 9-5 job and I thought I would go nuts trying to get used to having him around again.

Fiance and I have lived together on and off for pretty much our entire relationship.  Six months after we started dating we moved to Whistler, BC together (from Ontario) for the summer, then in the fall we moved back to Ontario where I went to school and he lived 2 hours away.  We saw each other every weekend then.  Then summer came around again and we moved back out to Whistler for the summer.  School came again and we moved back to Ontario and 2 hours apart from each other, he got bored in Ontario so in January of that year he moved back out west by himself while I was in Ontario - he called me every single night before he went to bed to say good night, and I threw myself into college......actually, lets be honest - I threw myself into apple martinis with my best friend instead of going to class. hahahaha. HE ended up being miserable out west, a mixture of missing me and living with strange (not good strange) people and Whistler having no snow that winter - he ended up moving back to Ontario at the end of March and we've lived together ever since.

I think distance will work if the two people involved truely trust each other and there is a plan for when they will live together again (fianancial stuff aside).

I guess his family just needs to get over it.  Jobs are tough to find right now.  Jobs in MI are like trying to pan for gold in the ocean.

You guys need to do what YOU need to do, not what "everyone" thinks is conventional.  This is a tough economy right now and it doesn't seem to be getting any better yet.  Also, one thing to keep in mind is that often health insurance might be outstanding, but, it often doesn't kick in for 90 days.

glenmar

I guess his family just needs to get over it.  Jobs are tough to find right now.  Jobs in MI are like trying to pan for gold in the ocean.

You guys need to do what YOU need to do, not what "everyone" thinks is conventional.  This is a tough economy right now and it doesn't seem to be getting any better yet.  Also, one thing to keep in mind is that often health insurance might be outstanding, but, it often doesn't kick in for 90 days.

I think one problem is that his dad is a pastor, so a "new job" even across the country for them meant basically being given a home for the family, a community of support, etc.  I think that frames how they think about a lot of things, whether they realize it or not.  Sure they've never made a lot of money, but heck I'd take $20K/yr for the security of being given a home, having all my utilities paid for by someone else, and having my children's education partially funded by the church.

I'm not really stressed about money, even if DH got offered NO jobs this summer (which is not likely since he's already turned down two and now has another offer on the table), he could still full time sub and make decent money.  Basically I just don't want to uproot everything and be no better off.  I'm kind of over the whole living-like-we're-still-in-college thing.  With our rent money we could just buy a nice starter home and pay a mortgage instead. But this new place where DH is being offered a job will take some research.  For those of you familiar with the area, you probably know Benton Harber is referred to as Benton Harlem.  Some of the people DH interviewed with actually live in Indiana.  So I'm not ready to just buy a home in a place known for being really hard-knock without doing a lot of research and getting to know the surrounding area first.

I can definitely understand the pressures of family thinking you are doing something weird.  DH's family strongly protests that he stays home and I work.  His dad was a big GM/EDS exec that barely knew his kids names so the idea that I work (at GM no less) and his son stays home to raise a girl is beyond comprehension for them.  They are constantly on us/mostly him about it.  They just can't relate.

Basically, you just have to ignore them, I am getting really good at it if you want pointers

Also regarding the location, trust me you want to make sure you want to move your whole family there.  I don't know much about it, other than what everyone hears, but we packed up and move our household to WI, and it ranks up there with one of the worst decisions we ever made.  DH quit his job and couldn't find another one when we got there, we HATED the area where we lived and spent the next 3.5 years trying to find a job to get us out of there.  In the end it all worked out, but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have gone.

Yeah that's what I struggle with in my head.  DH is used to moving around and I basically keep the household in order so I've sort of enabled him not needing to think about the things I need to consider.  I don't like west Michigan for a lot of reasons, but I do like the way the housing market is for buyers, it is close enough to DH's parents where it's easy to visit but not so close they'd be dropping in daily (they are near Chicago), and we're very close to my parents so I can use my mom as a babysitter if/when we get to that point.  The move that pertains to this thread would be a good compromise because it's only an hour and a half away, but not one I'm willing to make just for the job.  It has to be good for the entire hypothetical future family.

His family (or I should say his mom) takes issues with a lot of things I do.  This does not stress me out, it just bounces off.  They won't say anything to my face and we otherwise get along.  I have not changed since they first met me so I'm not really sure where their expectations even come from (I'm not Christian enough, I'm too independent, bla bla bla....).

LIES!!!  I haven't read through this thread....but how exciting he got the better job, yes?

Fantastic news!  You guys do what you need to do financially.  A little time apart won't do any harm....it'll only be temporary.

Congrats!

Liesje

It's only about 1.5-2 hrs most, so we could definitely meet on weekends. 

LOL! 2 hours is a normal daily commute for a LOT of people I know. If DH and I were in a similar situation I'm sure he would drive it most days and just get a hotel room occasionally. Has to be cheaper than setting up 2 homes.
 

 DH and I dated for only maybe 6 months before I left for college 5 hrs away.  we saw each other every two weeks for that year, and then he moved to be with me and hasn't left   Needless to say, neither of us would do well apart.  Although we do some things apart, 90% we do together.  Even grocery shopping, since we often do other errands as well.  Once in a while, I'd like to have a teeny bit more space, but for the most part neither of us is home alone often. It's how we like it, really.  Not to say that either of us cares if the other goes out or does something -- I'd rather he go alone than go and be miserable -- but we just tend to go together.

However, I know a couple, where one is an engineer and the other is a surgery resident.  Her schedule is so varied and he travels a reasonable amount, that they don't see each other often.  It works for them.  My parents also spent a ton of time apart since my dad worked 2nd or 3rd shift most of my life.  It takes getting used to in either direction, but it's not uncommon.

Hoenstly, for two hours, I would commute.  We used to bus it to work (free pass since we worked at local universities) and it was over 1 hr each way.... but not horrible.  even two hours beats setting up a second household!

 My younger sister just went through this Citrus County Fl is not any good for having a job and making money  so her husband went to Kentucky to work, he was making over $20 an hr but he had to pay rent and other bills he had to rent a car for a little while but then one of his friends lent him their car, It wasn't worth it. At least to me it isn't paying rent some place else and electric and depending on where he rents maybe a water bill.

In the end it just might not be worth the trouble of you's living a separate life. Can't really save much when your paying rent one place and he's doing the same.

My sister's husband is back it just got hard she has 3 kids which are one is going to be 6 and a 3 yr old and a 3month old she's in Florida him in Kentucky  it got a little nasty which my sister told him either he gets home now or divorce time.  My sister had our family helping but she wanted her husband but you only being about 2hrs from each other I guess its not that bad.

denise m

Liesje

It's only about 1.5-2 hrs most, so we could definitely meet on weekends. 

LOL! 2 hours is a normal daily commute for a LOT of people I know.

That's probably the average commute for many people around here who drive into Boston from home.

When DH and I were dating he was in the USCG the first 2 and 1/2 years. It wasn't so bad because he was mainly stationed here in my town, but, a few times he was sent out of state for a 2 weeks to a month at a home. That was tough (the month long). We really like being together, and generally miss one another when we're apart. Now he works for a local marina and is sent to different schools/seminars in different states every few months for a week to 2 weeks at a time. It's not so bad. But, I'm just really happy when he's home (and he likes being home, too).

Living apart can work out fine if you're both OK with the decision.