What would you do: DH's friend

Sounds like the "friend" is still stuck in the high school mode.  He's jealous you "took" his friend away.

Since you only see him a few times a year at most, I'd be tolerant, but aloof.  I personally have a hard time being nice to someone who acts like an @ss to me, so I really work the aloof angle.

It's so hard to say what the heck goes through a guy's mind, but two things came to mind.  One, he's jealous of your DH for having what he doesn't have...a wonderful SO.  Or two, he has a crush on you.  Hey, it happens.  Most guys I know will be totally honest with their friends if they actually dislike their SO, but he's told your DH that he does like you, so that's what made me think he may have a crush.

If I were you, I'd keep being nice to him, for your DH's sake, but don't put too much effort into trying to build a friendship with someone who acts coldly towards you.  Say hello when you see him, laugh at his jokes, whatever, but leave it at small things like that.  Basically, behave towards him as you would toward someone you don't know very well and have neutral feelings towards (don't like, don't dislike), if that makes any sense.

 Yeah, honestly I'd be either tolerant and aloof or just simply not present. Maybe find a way for your DH to have some "guys' time" with the annoying buddy? Then buddy is happy and you don't have to deal with him. Personally I much prefer to just avoid situations like that.

You don't have to like each other, especially since you don't see each other very often - you just have to tolerate each other well enough to avoid any messy scenes. 

Well, the thing is if he didn't act the way he does towards me I'd really like the guy! He has 2 Labs that Apollo LOVES, he's into fishing/hiking/camping/boating, he's been friends w/ DH forever. We're very similar come to think of it. I wouldn't ever have a problem with him if he didn't act the way he does towards me.

I think he's just not friendly w/ women. Seriously. He only had 1 gf (for 5 years) she dumped him for another guy. After that he's been they type to "use 'em and lose 'em".

 Sometimes BF's work friends act really aloof towards me. When I ask him about it, often his answer is, "You're kind of intimidating." Now *I* don't think I am - I am the biggest dork in the world and really uncomfortable with myself. But I also am a kind of no-nonsense person and can be somewhat outspoken. He thinks some of his work friends (math-types) are intimidated by me, and so aren't very friendly until they kind of "feel me out." (Makes no sense to me, but nobody's asking my opinion!)

Maybe your DH's friend just doesn't know how to deal with strong women? Maybe you intimidate him, just by being you?

Or maybe he's secretly attracted to you and doesn't know how to deal with that, so doesn't want to interact with you?

Heck, maybe you just remind him of someone he hates? 

I don't think it really matters... it's kind of like dealing with family that you don't get along with very well. Be nice when required, stay away when possible!

I wouldn't lose any sleep over this guy.  Who knows what his real problem is with you but it's not worth worrying about.  Be civil and polite and let it go.  Your DH is in a tough spot and I agree that letting them go hang together while you are visiting elsewhere would keep the tension level low.  Don't let it mess with your mind, not worth it.  Men's friendships are way different than women's and trying to figure that out will make you crazy.

BlackLabbie

he (the friend) thought it was OK to make gross jokes about DH's sister and try to rub it in his face.

Wow - and this guy is his "friend"?  Nice friend....  

Sure you should keep being nice.  My dad would say, "keep your nose clean" and "don't give him any bullets".  Basically, if you are LESS than nice, it could come back to bite you in the behind because he can say "well SHE said XYZ so...."  I am a little bit more evil and I say Kill them with kindness..... mwahahahaha....

If the guy is less than civil (and that ignores blatant rudeness, like ignoring you when you speak to him), then I think that you (that's the two of you) should just move away and socialise with someone else.  Think of him like a silly puppy biting you with his little immature teeth.  It could hurt, if you let it, but you're not going to stoop to that game.

I think of a guy's best friends as similar to his mother.  It's not a relationship I intend to interfere with.  I can only base my judgements on what he does to me - so if he's a jerk to me, I have to stand up and say something, or decide to let it go.  Your husband has to decide what his friend's treatment of you, and comments about his sister, mean to HIM.

Be as pleasant as you genuinely can.  If you want to actually hang with him, you could try approaching it the way you have here "I see there's so many similarities between us and I think it would be great to hang out.  If you're angry with me about something, I'd like to talk and work it out.  If you genuinely don't like me as a person, I'll just leave it alone."  That's kind of all you've got for options, right?  Your instincts tell you the right thing to do - what are they saying?

Chuffy

BlackLabbie

he (the friend) thought it was OK to make gross jokes about DH's sister and try to rub it in his face.

 

Wow - and this guy is his "friend"?  Nice friend....  

Sure you should keep being nice.  My dad would say, "keep your nose clean" and "don't give him any bullets".  Basically, if you are LESS than nice, it could come back to bite you in the behind because he can say "well SHE said XYZ so...."  I am a little bit more evil and I say Kill them with kindness..... mwahahahaha....

If the guy is less than civil (and that ignores blatant rudeness, like ignoring you when you speak to him), then I think that you (that's the two of you) should just move away and socialise with someone else.  Think of him like a silly puppy biting you with his little immature teeth.  It could hurt, if you let it, but you're not going to stoop to that game.

I agree with Chuffy right down the line.  But I want to point out a couple of things.

"friends" can be poison-- SERIOUS poison.  So I wouldn't be inclined to give them tons of "buddy time".  Some, sure.  but I wouldn't go out of my way to let it be increasing or unlimited.

Why?  Because quite honestly, that way you will know what IS said.  There won't be drops of poison spoken behind your back (and trust me -- they will BE there because that's how this guy operates -- hence the comments about the sister and the bitterness about it.  He didn't say anything *about* her until he knew your husband knew and THEN they started?  What's up with that?  Why would you speak badly about anyone unless you're driving a deeper **wedge** in that person's absence.  it *could* happen to you!

Be civil -- be simply non-commital.  I wouldn't deliberately bait him by being aloof, or a buddy or anything else -- I'd just be there but sort of invisible.  Study the menu, the decor, or your surroundings and nod appropriately, but listen. 

Your husband will likely get sick of this.  This guy will play his hand out -- and likely will show himself well to be either stuck in the 3rd grade (the eternal p.i.t.a. who never grows up) or divisive and I have a feeling your husband isn't going to play. 

Old friends that are TRUE friends don't usually have to "catch up".  They're always there.  Even if far away.  That's what a phone is for.  That's what email is for. 

I'd just be neutral ... but there without being difficult.  This guy will probably embarass your husband and your husband may decide to let the friendship slide.  I've got friendships like that -- was *super* tight with someone for many, many years ... and in fact sometimes I thot when I was actually entering a phase of my life where I'd be closer to them -- nope ... it all faded away.  Still "friends" yes... but certainly not to the degree as before. 

We all change.  None of us stay on parallel tracks all our lives.  You either converge or diverge -- that's what makes marriage so challenging.  And it can make friendship even more so ...

miranadobe

Your instincts tell you the right thing to do - what are they saying?

See this guy has sort of threw me for a loop because I guess it's hard for me to accept someone might not like me just because, lol! Everytime we're getting close to going to up there to DH's hometown I semi freak out about this guy in my head because I never really know how to act towards him.

Chuffy

BlackLabbie

he (the friend) thought it was OK to make gross jokes about DH's sister and try to rub it in his face.

 

Wow - and this guy is his "friend"?  Nice friend....  

I know! I said the same thing to DH and DH just said, "I know"...*shrugs* It did bother him, but I don't think he wanted to make a big deal of it because he's only home 1-2x per year (if that).

Chuffy

If the guy is less than civil (and that ignores blatant rudeness, like ignoring you when you speak to him), then I think that you (that's the two of you) should just move away and socialise with someone else.  Think of him like a silly puppy biting you with his little immature teeth.  It could hurt, if you let it, but you're not going to stoop to that game.

I think that's exactly what I'm going to do this year and DH is on board with me- he knows this bothers me. I like to be social and I hate that I feel like I have to walk on egg shells for no reason.

If it were me, I'd use Cita's idea, just don't go.  My DH has had a few friends that I wasn't really friends with myself, so I'd just encourage DH to go to the bar or watch a game and I'd do something else.  I'm not one that thinks that a couple can't each have a few of their own friends, but if I'm walking on egg shells then I just tell DH to do something with his own friends and I'll do something with mine.

OK, but what do I do? Because I'm at DH's families house...I don't really know anyone (I mean I know his parents but....I'd prefer to hang out w/ friends, lol) and I'm not familiar w/ the area (rural upstate NY), no malls or stores anywhere near. No coffee shops. And DH doesn't like me walking/running w/ Apollo because it's so rural and there's a few questionable people who live in the area (sex offenders).

I'm a bitch.  That's just who I am.  With that in mind, if I were in your position, I would go with my DH.  I'd hang out.  I'd be nice.  I'd enjoy myself & if the friend acted like a jerk, I'd tell him that he was acting like an ass, & ask him to stop.  That's just me though...