You know that time in your life....

BlackLabbie

Do you ever think maybe you're missing the "bride/mom gene"?

I used to.  I didn't marry until I was almost 29, & until now, I didn't think that I wanted kids.  I claimed that I was content to have "four legged kids."  Now, I have changed my mind.  I've realized that sometimes things change.

Like you, most of my friends were married & having kids long before I was.  It sucks that you can't do couple stuff, but, at least for us, it's just something that happens.  It takes an act of Congress to get friends together now. 

 Yeah, our friends are marrying and procreating, too. For now we can still do "couple stuff" since our close friends haven't had their children yet... but in another few months, I'm guessing they'll drop off the social radar for a bit.

I do feel left out occasionally. I do sometimes feel like yelling, "My relationship is just as important/strong/close as yours!!!" Saying, "I'm sorry, I can't , I need to get back to my boyfriend" doesn't sound as good as, "I need to get back to my husband." Somehow "husband" gets a lot more weight, even if the people involved were married for "secondary reasons" (like citizenship, or because the wife got pregnant, or for health insurance...).

Plus, some of our married friends can be really obnoxious about it. Especially when recently-married couples who haven't been together overly long get all super clingy/gushy over each other. "Would you like the last cookie, snookums?" "No, no, you take it, sugar pie!" "No really, love, I insist!" "Oh no, I could never!" ::smooch smooch:: It's like they're trying to prove to the world that they have the lovingest, happiest, bestest marriage everrrrrr. But nobody cares! Be happy and shut up about it. Please?

BF and I just aren't ready to get married yet, though I often wish I had something to show the "outside world" that we are indeed in a long-term committed relationship. I've started referring to BF as my "partner" instead of "BF," and I think it's an apt term, despite me getting some strange looks.

We're applying to grad schools next year, and who knows what life will bring. Our lives may go in totally different directions, and we want to make sure that we both want to go down the same path before making huge decisions, you know? The early-to-mid 20s can bring so many dramatic life changes... If we're still together in 2 years, I think it will be "time." After 7+ years of being together at that point, I think we'll be ready!

There is NOTHING wrong or Lacking in either of you. You actually have something really special. Most couples get to the gotta get a kid stage because they have so little left to learn, share or enjoy about each other.

When Hubby and I got together we had tons of friends also on second or third hook ups. They all went through the same things... together a period of time then they had to have kids...again. Bob already had his 3 I had my 2 we raised them together. Rather than pop out one of "our own" we took in both of our moms. Then We watched as folks went out of their way to add a kid to the mix despite the fact their other children were in early teens or later. WHY??? They seemed to feel without a baby they were not really cemented together. Without an elaborate wedding no one would understand and appreciate THIS was the one...not the other mistake(s) but this one... and over and over we watched them divorce yet again. Now with yet another small person to deal with their mess ups.  Guess what... Not ONE of them is with the same second and not one of them is content to co parent the kid(s) they went to such extremes to have. One couple not only married and had a child when the youngest daughter/step daughter was  19... that kid is in 4th grade now  and is being raised along with the grand daughter adopted to raise as their own because daughter / step daughter is a drugged out mess of a pole dancer.    So here you have a woman who is just 50, a man who is 56 +/-  A late 20s daughter who calls her own kid her sister and along with the rest of the family thinks her little brother is a long haired demi god. an obnoxious one!! Wife insists the husband dye his hair because she is not ready to be a grandmother. She dyes her own and dumped a lucrative Career at her own travel agency so she can be a junior coach at the intermediate school and walk about with a whistle.  She lives to be one of the 20-30 year old moms. She isn't but she sacrificed her own generation and life to refuse to grow up with her friends and co workers.  They constantly want to hook up with us, because we must "understand" After all we have the dsame age kids...  but honestly I find their children vile , with the worst of manners. I find the husband hitting on every woman he can sad and the wife trying to validate her femininity by flirting with my husband too much. The desperat drinking  and the yo you weight gain and loss is tragic in many ways. My Husband is not fond of them beyond a fast chat at the schools or field. And only agreed to the few outings to please me.  They laughed too loud, dressed waay too young, sitting there trying to text constantly and bemoan the inability to get the new X box when it came out...  when they had enough to drink they started in on all of the friends who they claimed had now abandoned them??? They can not pop off for a fast vacation when budgets allow and all of their conversation is arrested at the parental level of the 4th grader. They have forgotten what little they should have learned as paernts of two older daughters.

Bob and I are in a place we HAVE to raise our grands. It is not what we want to do but we would never walk away from blood. We do our very best, are as loving as can be but make time for ourselves.  Away from them we sit and laugh together and talk about US , Our interests are ours. I refuse to take the kids everywhere. I keep us intact and important. Bob works at us.  If Bob ever messed up  ( again yes he did once in our 27 1/2 years) it would not be because I ignored him or did not treasure him it would be as simple as mid life crisis on his part. I am okay with this.  Not him messing up but Knowing we have tried so hard to treasure each other.

For my birthday we will take the whole family out for dinner. IT is an adventure dinner. Something special and fun and the next day we will hit the road with dogs, spend a weekend being us. Having champagne if we want for breakfast. watching In appropriate things on tv.  Laughing at adult things, stopping to peek in an antique mall, eating meals WE like.  Sleeping in or staying up.  We will be us until there is no Us.

Had we popped out yet another kid to cement our "love" we would be so terribly tied down. Not simply grandkids but a teenager too.  Laying in bed and watching tv together would be even more limited. travel would be sparse and the list... the one every couple figures out by the time they are into retirement, it would be a pipe dream only. No money to go , No time to be and no space for each other. I am not saying you should never get married or have kids. When and If you want to that's cool. If you never do That's cool too/

That piece of paper  that binds you together is no more real or significant than a grocery list if you do not deeply care for each other.  Some how there is a deeper sense of commitment when you know Each and Every day that you are there , he is there because you choose each other. Not because it is easier than getting a lawyer and splitting everything up.  Bob and I chose that kind of commitment. We realized that yet another big ceremony would not now or ever make us more real, more in love or keep us together one day longer than we would be without it. 

I think you are deeply blessed. I think, in my deepest heart that the love you share is more genuine than the love we see reflected in the dull stare of resentful spouses who only came home because they are so deeply in debt there is nothing else for them and they may never Say it aloud but they are bitter knowing they settled. They took the fairy tale instead of the adventure. There isn't and never will be a deeper reasonfor them to be together. The nooners most likely stopped. the thrill is hidden at best and routine is all they can claim.  So do all of us a favor and try to hide your smirk of intense satisfaction and contentment....

   Bonita of Bwana 

Cita

I do feel left out occasionally. I do sometimes feel like yelling, "My relationship is just as important/strong/close as yours!!!"

THIS^ is exactly what I mean!

I hate the fact that some of our friends rushed into getting married and getting pregnant and they act like they're relationship is more important/committed than me and Jeremy.

And when I say "IDK when we're getting married" I get this look or they're like "oooohhhhh".

One of our couple friends literally broke up 100x's and they have both cheated on each other multiple times. Then she got pregnant and they got married. And now they act like they're the perfect couple that we (jeremy and I) should follow. BARF! Get outta here!

Bonita of Bwana

I think you are deeply blessed. I think, in my deepest heart that the love you share is more genuine than the love we see reflected in the dull stare of resentful spouses who only came home because they are so deeply in debt there is nothing else for them and they may never Say it aloud but they are bitter knowing they settled. They took the fairy tale instead of the adventure. There isn't and never will be a deeper reasonfor them to be together. The nooners most likely stopped. the thrill is hidden at best and routine is all they can claim.  So do all of us a favor and try to hide your smirk of intense satisfaction and contentment....

Thank you

This does makes a boat load of sense to me.

It's the Nyah Nyah gene. It's leftovers from when you were a little kid and you got something and your friend or sibling didn't and you'd walk by kinda sloooow and lettem see what you had?

Same thing. All people do it to some extent I think...about SOMETHING in their lives. Their kids being cute or smart...their bf or gf being hot or rich...their car...their job...their dog even....

Just people being people...be a duck...let it roll off and show em your tailfeathers.

My first wife passed away before we could have children. And DW is past the age of having children. Such things happen. We dated and lived together from 1993 to 2000, and then got married. So, do what you feel is right. If you have the chance to have kids, fine. If not, enjoy what you do have. Life is too short to live by others' expectations.

ron2

Life is too short to live by others' expectations.

Ron, that's a really great way of putting it.

I am concerned that I am missing the Mom gene, but for the time being I am just waiting to see if it turns on at some point. I always thought it would be "on" by 28, but not so much. One of my friends was the same way and now at 40 she and her husband are ready.

I think it's a lot better to wait, or not do the kids/marriage thing at all, until you can't possibly imagine life without them. We already have two friends who have gotten married and divorced in the 5 years we've been married.That is just heart breaking.

Too bad we all live so far apart. We love bars and bowling and dinners and stuff.

You need new friends -- friends who aren't going to be so judgemental and pressuring.

Try being SINGLE.  Believe me, it's even worse when your friends get married and/or start having kids.  If I befriend someone who already has kids it seems fine, but all of my friends who became parents after we met have disappeared.  It's like they joined a new little club and there's a big "no non-parents allowed" sign hanging on the door.

I'm surprised that this married vs. non-married attitude is so strong on the east coast.  I would have expected a lot more acceptance out there, I guess.  The attitude you are describing sounds so very midwestern.  People around here definitely think everyone should settle down and pop out kids for the rest of their lives.

I obviously don't fit in around here.  I don't believe in marriage -- or at least don't feel it's necessary for me.  I think marriage is a great institution for couples who want to raise children together, but I don't ever wants kids and therefore see no reason to burden myself with the legalities of marriage.  Nor do I feel that I deserve any rights or privileges that aren't made available to all Americans (ie: gay marriage).

You keep on doing what makes you happy and don't feel pressured by the expectations of society or your friends.  And find new friends -- friends who share your own interests and beliefs.  I am friends with barely anyone of my youth, because they all took the opposite path of me.  I actually ended up finding friends quite a bit older than me, as they are all settled in their lives (with children or without) and done making the changes that often divide younger relationships.

KarissaKS

I'm surprised that this married vs. non-married attitude is so strong on the east coast.  I would have expected a lot more acceptance out there, I guess.  The attitude you are describing sounds so very midwestern.  People around here definitely think everyone should settle down and pop out kids for the rest of their lives.

Alot of these couples we're friends with aren't from around here, they are from the South and midwest. They're people that we met when Jeremy was in the USCG, and many of them are still in it but they're stationed around here still. I never thought of it as a possible regional thing until now. And the ones that are from around here really rushed into marriage/kids, like she got pregnant so we just got married.

I have the opposite, besides one of my best friends who is 10 years older than me and has 2 kids, all of my other good friends are not married.  Some date off and on, but none are paired up in the sense that when we go out, it's still us girls, not couples.  DH and I say we don't really count though because we live like college roommates, friends with benefits, lol.  We have different schedules, we rarely eat together, different friends and hobbies, even different bank accounts.  I think it really bugs his mom.  It's not weird to us for me to go to a dog show a thousand miles away and be in a hotel room for a weekend with people he's never met.

 I do sometimes think I'm missing the 'mom' gene.  Seriously, I have no mothering/caretaker instincts at all.  Even as a kid I didn't really play with dolls and stuff.  Not till my dad's gf (at the time) daughter wanted me to play with them w/ her.  I refused to babysit.  Its just not there.  Or maybe it will develop later, who knows.  Maybe it has something to do with the name.  j/k :o)   I had to laugh at the dog comment, the guy I'm seeing now was telling his mom about me and she asked if I had kids and he said, 'no, she has dogs'

 As far as the marriage thing....I wouldn't let those people make you feel like your relationship isn't as strong.  That piece of paper is truly meaningless as far as what the bond is.  I had let myself believe that marriage was the next step and that our relationship was good enough so we tied the knot.  Big mistake, and costly to untie.  If you're not ready, or don't want to, than don't, it doesn't make you any less of a couple.

TheDogHouseBCMPD

Maybe it has something to do with the name.  j/k :o)  \

Haha, maybe it does!

TheDogHouseBCMPD

 I had to laugh at the dog comment, the guy I'm seeing now was telling his mom about me and she asked if I had kids and he said, 'no, she has dogs'

Yah, this reminds me of me with Jeremy's family. Do you want to have children? Well, I have a dog and he pretty much takes up all my free time....

We were talking to his cousin one night at a bar and I was going on and on about Apollo. His cousin has 5 dogs and is totally a dog person. Well, his new girlfriend came over in the middle of our convo was like "Awww...your baby sounds wonderful! I can't wait to me him!" ROFL, his cousin said, "Um...no....Apollo is their dog."

What bugs me is that so many people treat having kids as like a total black and white thing.  Like when I say "I'm not ready yet" they assume it means I hate kids and treat my dogs like children instead.  I used to be a full time nanny for four and I've started with babies as young as 4 weeks, I know how to handle kids and babies.  I won't say we aren't ready for financial reasons, though it's true I know that very few couples are really ever financially ready to have kids.  For me right now it would just seem like a selfish thing to do.  DH and I both work full time and I do projects on the side.  We have three dogs who we love (not as replacements for kids though) and would never just dump them for having kids.  I already feel like I don't have enough time for my dogs, let alone a child.  I don't want to be a stay at home parent, but I don't want my kid in daycare for 5 years either.  Right now I can't afford to quit my job in favor of part time.  Also people can have kids until they are early 40s these days, what's the rush?