You know that time in your life....

BlackLabbie

Bonita of Bwana

I think you are deeply blessed. I think, in my deepest heart that the love you share is more genuine than the love we see reflected in the dull stare of resentful spouses who only came home because they are so deeply in debt there is nothing else for them and they may never Say it aloud but they are bitter knowing they settled. They took the fairy tale instead of the adventure. There isn't and never will be a deeper reasonfor them to be together. The nooners most likely stopped. the thrill is hidden at best and routine is all they can claim.  So do all of us a favor and try to hide your smirk of intense satisfaction and contentment....

Thank you

This does makes a boat load of sense to me.

That was profound Bonita, and something I really needed to hear.  "...fairy tale instead of the adventure."  Positively brilliant.

BlackLabbie, I'm from an area about an hour north of Boston and the sentiments are the same there - people pair up and start having kids because they "should"... but worse, it feels like some competition.  Like, keeping up with the Jones, they compare how fantastic their weddings were, how quickly they got pregnant (as if not getting pregnant in the first year was a sign of a bad marriage), they compare how good their pregnancies were (nobody, EVER has morning sickness in this crew), how many guests attended their baby showers, how smooth labor was (or worse, how much they SUFFERED for their kids' births), how cute the kids are... and later it's how many words in their 13month old vocabulary, how many sports/events their 8 year old is in, etc, etc.

In all honesty, it strikes of insecurity that people USE their kids and marriages as a way to measure up....  How about just being a good person who supports their spouse and kids and does good things for their neighbors and community, etc?

I hated when my regular crew of friends broke into marriages that were more important than our friendships... or at least it felt that way.  But the reality is we all have such busy lives with so much vying for our attention that your friends likely do what they have to do which means spending those valuable spare moments doing things with their spouse that are necessary (rebuilding the back deck, visiting his sick grandmother in the hospital) or just highly desired (snuggling up for that much-needed affection at the end of a rough week).  In your case, you have all those same needs, being in a long-term committed relationship... so I'm not sure where your extra time comes from that is absent in theirs... but maybe they have more troubles than you do.  Who knows.

In all honesty, though, I'd also give that "ooohh" look to a happily committed couple who have been together for 6 years with no plans to marry.  Cultural expectation, maybe (?), but it makes me question "why".  None of my business of course, but it would make me wonder.

miranadobe

In all honesty, though, I'd also give that "ooohh" look to a happily committed couple who have been together for 6 years with no plans to marry.  Cultural expectation, maybe (?), but it makes me question "why".  None of my business of course, but it would make me wonder.

I do know what you mean....we're kind of like a Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, lol

Think of it this way, the "ooh" look stops them from saying something they really SHOULDN'T!

BlackLabbie

I do know what you mean....we're kind of like a Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, lol

OMG, that is so weird that you said that!  BF refers to us as "Kurt & Goldie" all the time! 

We've been together a little over 6 years.  We own a house together, we now own a business together, and neither of us feels like we need to rush into getting married and having kids.  I'm 31, he's 32.  Our parents are the worst....they are itching for grandkids.  I keep telling my mom she'll just have to settle for the "grandpups" for now.  I think she's almost given up on me and is now bugging my younger brother to get hitched.

I think it's weird, tho, that your married friends don't want to hang out as much anymore.  A lot of our friends are married, and we hang out with various friends almost every weekend.  The ones with kids we don't see as much, but the kids are younger, and the moms do need "adult time" every now and then, so they'll call us to make plans for dinner or something.  I guess, tho, maybe it's because 99% of the friends we have here are through BF's hockey teams, so hockey games always seems to bring everyone together, and, for the most part, are family-friendly, so folks can bring their kids to the games if they're at decent times.

I don't think it's anyone's place to judge why people choose to not get married.  When people ask us, we just kinda joke about it, and then people back off.  Live your lives, if you guys are happy the way things are, then why rush it?  Like you said, better to wait and make sure than rush into it and have things fall apart and get messy!

My brother was with my SIL for 12 years before they decided to get married and they still have separate names and all.  Then they waited another few years to have their first child.  Mind you they were about 17 when they started dating.

I'm not sure why they finally got married but they have done what they are comfortable with.  I wouldn't want them to do anything else!

aerial1313

When people ask us, we just kinda joke about it, and then people back off. 

Teehee, we do, too. BF usually says something like, "But what about my OTHER girlfriends, then?" and people get uncomfortable and stop bugging us.

In general, it really doesn't bother me too much. I'm comfortable with where I am in life, despite "living in sin" (as some would see it). I'm happy for the people around me who are happy with their lives, too. People shouldn't feel like they have to hide aspects of their life, either - I'm happy to talk to people about their ultrasounds, or new babies, or whatnot, just like I expect them to occasionally indulge me talking about Rascal or horses.  We have a few married friends who really have made an effort not to drop their former friendships, and we always appreciate it and enjoy hanging out with them. (Even if we occasionally gag and roll our eyes at the Hallmark-worthy things coming out of their mouths. )

Some day I'd like to get married. Hopefully to BF, but we'll see where life takes us. My mother was married 3 times, my father 4 times, and my uncle is on his 5th wife - I don't want to go that route. I want to be absolutely sure. I also don't yet trust my mid-twenty-something self to be able to make decisions that will affect my mid-forty-something self. I am barely the same person I was even 4 years ago, let alone 10. Who knows who I will be in another 4 years? 20 years? Who knows who BF will be, either?

Plus, there's still so much I don't know about my future. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? I hope that BF and I will continue to have compatible life goals, but if he decides he passionately wants to settle down in, say, Maine, and I want nothing more than to go back to California... I want to leave us room to make our own decisions so we are certain we're making the decisions that are best for us, as individuals. And hopefully that will include staying with each other... but maybe it won't. I want to try to avoid lingering doubts or regrets or "what if"s, or secretly blaming BF for me being unhappy in my life.

 I didn't post earlier but you know in your heart that the only people who count is you and Jeremy.  I bet that friend's new baby brought on some of these feelings.  DH and I have no kids, it's a long story but in the end we have no major regrets, we heard all the same stuff and I just did what Gina said, let it roll right off and gave 'em a big smile. 

 Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell indeed, this should go in Admissions, but I have seen the movie Overboard so many times it is ridiculous and DH and I always watch it together. LOL

JackieG

 I bet that friend's new baby brought on some of these feelings. 

It was that, and the "save the date" card I got from another couple...and that couple, IDK, I feel like the barely know each other and they're getting married and everyone is gushing over everything they're doing (wedding plans wise). But, I don't see what so glorious about them! They get into petty, immature fights ALL THE TIME...and I think a couple should be over that before getting married. I see two people who probably won't be together in 3 years....I keep that to myself, and I do hope I'm wrong.

BlackLabbie

They get into petty, immature fights ALL THE TIME...and I think a couple should be over that before getting married. 

Well, that had me laughing!  I don't know but those are the good kind of fights sometimes, because when they end, you just laugh at how dumb it is to fight over who didn't refill the toilet paper roll. The fights over basic core feelings are the marriage breakers, IMO. Who really knows any couples true, lying side by side in the dark, feelings for each other? I have a friend who is married to the biggest jerk in the world in my opinion, but something has kept them together for twenty something years and they have no children, so who knows?  If the save the date couple have a lavish wedding and live happily ever after, great. If they split up before the thank you cards are mailed, you can secretly say to yourself, I knew it! LOL 

JackieG

BlackLabbie

They get into petty, immature fights ALL THE TIME...and I think a couple should be over that before getting married. 

Well, that had me laughing!  I don't know but those are the good kind of fights sometimes, because when they end, you just laugh at how dumb it is to fight over who didn't refill the toilet paper roll. The fights over basic core feelings are the marriage breakers, IMO. Who really knows any couples true, lying side by side in the dark, feelings for each other? I have a friend who is married to the biggest jerk in the world in my opinion, but something has kept them together for twenty something years and they have no children, so who knows?  If the save the date couple have a lavish wedding and live happily ever after, great. If they split up before the thank you cards are mailed, you can secretly say to yourself, I knew it! LOL 

See, me and Jeremy get into those stupid fights, too. I understand fighting/arguing is sometimes neccessary...sometimes fun, lol. But...I don't drag it out over days or involve other people or bring it back up a month or two later.

Ex: One day, this girl, showed up at our house and wanted to stay over because they had a fight. Ummm, fine....I guess. Then all they did was call each other, hang up, fight, she drove by their apartment a few times, he came by here and she locked herself in our bathroom....what was that fight over? His ex-girlfriend friend requested him on facebook! I think that's ridiculas!

BlackLabbie

Ex: One day, this girl, showed up at our house and wanted to stay over because they had a fight. Ummm, fine....I guess. Then all they did was call each other, hang up, fight, she drove by their apartment a few times, he came by here and she locked herself in our bathroom....what was that fight over? His ex-girlfriend friend requested him on facebook! I think that's ridiculas!

JackieG

BlackLabbie

Ex: One day, this girl, showed up at our house and wanted to stay over because they had a fight. Ummm, fine....I guess. Then all they did was call each other, hang up, fight, she drove by their apartment a few times, he came by here and she locked herself in our bathroom....what was that fight over? His ex-girlfriend friend requested him on facebook! I think that's ridiculas!

Oh yes, this sort of stuff just sends me into orbit.  I totally agree that this sort of carrying on is totally stupid and people like this should not marry until they get over it and grow up!  People who have this type of fight around me are usually invited to go somewhere else and take their silly, attention seeking bevavior with them.  But since they are usually family, I can get away with that. LOL

And the thing that killed me about that particular fight was when she came over she made it sound like he was cheating on her. I felt so bad for her. But then when the truth came out I was shocked! Talk about drama and attention seeking!

 Shoot, you need new friends. Come on down south a bit and we can hang out and bitch together!

Cita

 Shoot, you need new friends. Come on down south a bit and we can hang out and bitch together!

LOL! You know what they say....if you can't say anything nice, come sit by me!