I wish I could tell my dogs...

Jamison:

*  Believe it or not, some people are just not dog people.  There is no need to sit and sulk everytime we pass someone on our walk who doesn't stop to adore you.

*  Our couch can comfortably seat 4 people.  Sitting next to me instead of on top of me is allowed.  I swear you will not fall off the end of the earth.

*  The ottoman is for putting your feet up - not attacking it like its some wild beast.

Deb W.

Hah!

Isis:  I know you're a GSD and you have a big, beautiful voice, but I don't need to hear you scream every time you have a whim.  We really don't have to fulfill your every wish.  Such a baby for such a big girl, really, you're eight, grow up!

Dash:  The world is not your napkin.  Every time you eat something greasy, you do not need to wipe your mouth on the couch, carpet, my lap, and that face dive into the clean clothes pile, while cute, is a little disgusting.

 I have one more:

Neiko your tongue does not belong in my mouth.

This thread is hilarious!

Sadie - People and dogs are allowed to walk by our house, the road is county property, you do not own it - please stop arroooing at them. Also, you are not a duck, please stop inhaling your food, you are allowed to chew it, Timmy takes ten times as long as you to eat his food, he will not eat yours too.

Timmy - You weigh 100 pounds, you are not the same size as Sadie, it is ackward when you try to curl into a ball on my lap, adorable, but ackward. Also, your tongue does not belong in my mouth. You may give me a tiny kiss, on the cheek, you do not need to save all of your spit up in your cheeks and try to give it to me - I do not want your spit.

Rosco (A.K.A. Tater Tot):

1. I love to cuddle you at night, but we sleep with our heads, not our bums, on the pillow. Please turn around the next time you sleep on the bed.

2. Wet ground happens, and in upstate NY it happens a lot. So suck it up, go outside, do your business quickly and I will dry your feet back off when you come in.

4. You're my special boy. No other puppy will ever be as close to me as you. You don't need to worry.

Lexi

1. You are smart, pretty and wonderful. Be confident sweet girl!

2. I know you are being mean to Luna on purpose when you don't think I am watching. She will continue to take your toys unless you stand up to her. Put her in her place and she'll leave you alone.

Luna

1. You have only chewed two shoes in your entire life. Why must they be my most rocking high heels? Please chew a Birkenstock when you get the urge to chew your annual shoe next year.

2. Agility is fun, but it requires a sound body. So please stop bouncing through life like you are on a trampoline. I am worried you will get hurt. 

Love,

Mom
 

Jewlieee

 I have one more:

Neiko your tongue does not belong in my mouth.

Ari please follow the rule Jewlieee has set above for Neiko!
 

My Dearest Rory,

-I sigh....I sigh becuase I'm tired, cant get comfortable or just because I'm breathing. There is no need to come unglued everytime I sigh.

-I'm not going to disapear in the bathroom, there is NO secret door for me to escape out of and sticking your paw under the door isnt going to make me come out faster......its actually a bit creepy

-Lastly.......he's not hurting me, its what grown ups do!

Thalie

 

 

• Please do not look that miserable when I give you a squeaky toy. If I did not give you one and Spip had one you would want Spip’s. Yes, you can squeeze them, you are not hurting them even if they make noises.

I love this one especially because I had a dog just like this!

Another part of this post reminded me of something else I wanted to tell Twister.

When we leave work and I set the alarm the beeping noise is not a bomb about to explode. 

HAHAHAHA these are hilarious!  Love them!

Woobie - those little screeching humans will not kill or eat you, I won't let them.  And look at Indie, he likes them, he's still alive, so can we just please calm down and stop the freak outs when they are within 10 miles of us?  Please?

Indie - I think you are simply wonderful.  However, humans do not hide treats in their privates, so get your nose out of there please?  Greeting involves sitting, not a cavity search, got it?  And if you'd just play a *tiny* bit more gently, you'd have more friends.  You and Brutus are the only dogs auditioning for Canine WWF.  ETA: Please stop eating poop.  It's gross.

Milo - You are evil.  That cute cuddly routine you pull once a month is the only thing keeping you alive.

Miss Jackie - We love you.  Please stay alive for 14 more years.  We'll miss you terribly if you leave. 

BCMixs

Indie -  And if you'd just play a *tiny* bit more gently, you'd have more friends.  You and Brutus are the only dogs auditioning for Canine WWF. 

YES!!! That is so hilarious!

My dearest Super Joe,

• Punching our male visitor in the crotch with your pointy little paws does not make you his friend.  He is leaning over in pain, not to play with you.
• Believe it or not, your chariot is actually my daily means of transportation.  Just because you hear keys jingle does not mean you're being chauffered somewhere, my little prince.
• I would like to pass along a little bit of advice my mom shared with me: if they know it bothers you, they'll keep doing it.  Therefore, if the squirrels know their taunting gets you in a lather, they will keep doing it.  Oh but it's good fun for you isn't it?  My kitchen floor (i.e. your launch pad) and the ground around the trees don't think it's quite so great.
• The leaves in the front yard really are the same as the ones you run around on in the back yard.  Walking in the front yard isn't scary and they aren't going to bite.  Priss.
• As others have mentioned about their little darlings, staring at me while I'm trying to sleep is just creepy and won't get me up any faster.  Bouncing on and off the bed works better but it's no more welcome, I assure you.

scrubsfiend

My dearest Super Joe,

• Punching our male visitor in the crotch with your pointy little paws does not make you his friend.  He is leaning over in pain, not to play with you.

ROFLMAO!!!

Sam, deary, just because I add yummy stuff to your kibble does not mean you have to inhale it in 2 seconds flat. Taz, and the kitties, will not steal it....they eat slow. I promise, just eat your 'yummy' kibble as slowly as you do your not so yummy kibble. Please?

ETA -

Isabelle, sweet little kitten, when my foot is hanging off the end of the bed, please PLEASE don't decide to jump/claw your way up my foot! If you do, when I start screaming and cursing REALLY loud and trying to get you off my foot - please, just realease those 10 needle-like claws, your a cat, you WILL land on your feet....it's only a 3 ft. drop anyway.

Penny: I'm quite sure that food will not drop off the plant anytime soon. It's okay not to feel the need to eat as much as canine-ly possible. As well, Daisy was not and never will be a placement to you, sweetie. You can stop harassing her now. There is no glue on your bum, it's alright it your body isn't attached to my legs. Also, most strangers are NOT here to dog-nap you and bring you to outer space. A bark or two is fine, you don't need to cause a big riot and embarass us in front of anyone who comes near or in the house.

Daisy: TOYS ARE OKAY. No need to be alarmed, hun. I realize you've never really had the chance to play with toys, but please, give me something! When I pick you up, I PROMISE not to hurt you. You don't need to give me "the look" like I'm trying to axe murder you. I just want to pick you up, probably for your benefit! Also, running away when I'm trying to catch you doesn't impress me. It also doesn't help that you hide in the same spot EVERYTIME you run. I know where your dog bed is.

Grady: 

• It's okay to go outside to potty when it's raining.  You won't melt.  Aspen does it & he's fine.  It's okay big guy.
• Standing over Maghee while she's eating isn't going to make her eat any faster so you can make sure she didn't miss a crumb.

Aspen:

• I know you don't like it when I'm on the computer but walking on the keyboard isn't going to get me off-line any faster to lavish you with skritches.
• Kitty crunchies are NOT snack foods.  Furthermore I don't appreciate kisses after you indulge on aforementioned morsels.

Maghee:

• Sweet girl, I love you with all my heart & soul.  You need to realize that you are at your forever home.  Period.  End of sentence.  You're not going anywhere, kiddo.  Please understand that & relax a bit.
• It is not necessary to bark when you think that something is going on.  I really do appreciate your tattling on Grady but not on every dust bunny or fly moving in the house.
• You have to trust me that I will never ever, ever put you in harms way.  I will never let anyone hurt you.  You just relax & be the sweet girl I know & I'll do the worrying about people for the both of us.