I wish I could tell my dogs...

ACE-

 Yes your breed is a boxer but that doesnt mean you actually have to be one- ur never gonna be in a ring fightin so please stop using us   as a practice dummy.

Mom has already figured out its you stealing her coffee in the morning- so you can stop tryin to get me into trouble- its not working anymore

When we walk into the living room and your standing there lookin innocent we know that you have been laying on the couch (clean off the hairs next time and you might fool us)

In the morning we are not gonna forget you and leave you in the crate- so you can stop "waking us up" every morning if we sleep past our usual time- gosh arent you ever tired and wore out???

 ATHENA

I am sorry I took your recliner away- but the big huge pillow on the floor is urs- it will work better for you instead of having to jump up in the chair all the time- i promise try it you will like it.

I know when you need water -you dont have to bang the bowl against the wall 50 times then scoot everything over to the sink for me to trip over when i do come to give you water- trippin involves me getting hurt and forgetting about u "needing" water 

Ur not going to melt in the rain so you can still go outside even when its raining- there is no sense in holding it all day

BOTH- I love you both equally- there is no need to fight for my attention or affection

I love these!

Apollo, my big boy....

-MOVE YOUR BUTT!! When we let you sleep in bed with us, it does not mean SQEEEEZE right inbetween me & Jeremy, plop your head on my pillows, with your back facing me, trying to literally push/kick Jeremy off the bed. It also does not mean lay upside down, on your back, diagnal, or any other way to take up as much room as possible. Its our bed! And I mean "our" as in me & Jeremy- not you and me!

-When you snore, and I softly nudge you to wake you up, but you ignore me and just snore LOUDER....that's just plain old mean.

-You're not going to starve if I feed you 30minutes past your mealtime.....doG forbid!

-Let me remind you, yes, you are over 100lbs. Nope, you don't qualify as a lap dog....

-But, you're always my "little" boy.

Cheyanne- the UPS or Fedex people are not people I want you to chase off. I actually would like to get whatever it is they have for me. Oh and chasing people on motorcycles or 4 wheelers is not gonna get them to stop driving by the house. So if you stop chasing them they will go by faster not slower because they really dont want to run you over.

Lillie-when I say stay out of the woods please do. I know you like being brushed but neither one of use enjoys spending a day of me picky burrs out of your coat. And you do not have to be so mean to Fynn. So quit trying to eat his face whenever he looks at you.

Joker- there is no need to steal Samantha's toys. I dont know how you feel about a screaming 3 year old but it hurts my ears. One more thing. Is it really necessary for all the jumping you do? I am not a trampoline!! It is also not funny to fart everytime I take you somewhere in the car. You dont have gas any other time but miraculously you do when it's time for car rides? You need to play nicer with Fynn. Dont use your teeth so much and he might be willing to play with you more. There is no need to dig out of the pen outside. It's just gonna result you getting stuck in the crate instead. I have a few things I need to do everyday so I put you in the pen to play so please take that time doing something fun not escaping!!

Fynn- you are not a Boxer. So please quit acting like one. Keep your paws to yourself. The kitten is not gonna play with you when your hitting him in the head with your big paw. And Samantha is not gonna play with you if you keep boxing her. You dont have to bark so much either. Just leave that to Cheyanne. Can you please calm down in the house? It's not fun having you in here if all you do is pace and jump from one chair to the other. You are not allowed to get on the counters or the table either. So quit trying!!!  You are allowed to poop outside of the dog pen!! Your only required to do that at dog shows.

Felix the cat- I do not have food every time I open the door. So would you please quit attacking us? Yes JJ thinks it's hilarious but I dont. I am not starving you so please please quit acting like I am. 

Rex- Please rest assured that now that you live here with us, things are safe.  I know that your previous life may have held some fearful things but when someone drops a dish or the the fan gets knocked over please don't run like Satan is chasing you.  BTW Rex, we really thought you would like a young dog like yourself to play with, we didn't know that she was Satan's spawn, really we didn't know. I would like to tell you Rex that I think you are the sweetest dog and you give me so much happiness every day that I can't imagine how empty life would be if we hadn't found you.

Belle aka Satan's spawn- There is so much I would like to tell you but Rex has begged me to tell you that he does not, repeat, does not like it when you grab his collar or his ruff if he has no collar on and throw him to the ground.  I would like to remind you that the dogs have their own couch and dog beds and crates with comfy pads.  We try to confine our human activities to "our" areas, would you mind doing the same?  Belle, Coconut (the cat) does not like it when you poke him, thats why he cries when you do that. Belle, when you sit at our feet and lean your full weight against us and look up into our faces we can't help but melt and then we sometimes like to move away because it's funny when you fall over. Belle you are the funniest dog I have ever known and you make me laugh every day.

Twister-All objects that are moving away from you do not need to be chased. The cat does not like it when you poke him but he likes you more than Belle. It's not necessary to finish your food in 2.3 seconds in order to wait for the big dogs to finish.  They always eat all their food and they NEVER share.  Sometimes I like to go in the bathroom alone, weird I know.  I would like to tell you that you are not in charge of all the other animals.  If someone is getting corrected we don't need, indeed, we don't want your assistance.  The two other dogs are much bigger than you, in fact most dogs are much bigger than you and they could accidentally hurt you so please don't always get in the big middle when they are playing.  Most of all I want you to know that you make every day good even when you are bad.

Coconut the cat- You are fat.  I'm sorry but you are.  You have been on a lo cal diet for the last five years and you have only lost 2 pounds.  Where do you get the food?  Tell me.  You don't go outside, no food is left unattended for you to steal.  You need exercise my boy.  That means get off the couch and play with us. You are one nice cuddle buddy and I love ya' even if you are fat.

Moca - you do not have to clean up the litter in all of beijing! when you do and i tell you to drop it, you really should. if you just tried it once, you'd see that instead of me prying stuff out of your mouth you would get a yummy treat! also, you peeing on the floor does NOT appease my bf!!! i know he's an idiot sometimes, and i'm working on it. in the mean time, just stop the peeing. we'd all benefit! also: stop licking your paws. trust me, if you do, they will stop itching A LOT sooner!

Jason - despite your sentiments, the world is not out to get you! other dogs are not scary. if you stopped acting like you are possessed by some kind of evil spirit, you might actually get a lot of fun play time! also, since the almost 3 years you are with me, pulling on your leash has not ONCE gotten you anywhere any faster, so just stop it, mkay? you're freakishly strong for your size! oh, and stop trying to french kiss me! i HAVE a boyfriend! and since we are on the subject, stop licking the couch. i dont appreciate having to sit in puddles of slobber!

Kirby- I'm not going to poof into thin air, trust me, if I could I would have already done it just to see the expression on your face.  Also, my bed doesn't have a back door, so you don't need to keep checking on me when I lay down.  Staring at me will not get me to wake up sooner.

Picasso- You are a cat, not a dog, so stop trying to sneak into my room to steal the dogs food.  Kirby never leaves any behind in his bowl, and even if you somehow managed to get the container open, the pieces are to big for your old man cat teeth to handle.  Also, leaving a one or two pieces of cat food in your bowl just to taunt the dog, isn't nice.

Sage- You are old and... fat.  You can no longer climb up sheer slick survaces such as the wall and TV, so please stop trying.  I'm not sure how many more 4ft falls your little mantis body can take.  Also, I would appricated it if you didn't use your claws like icepicks when crawling on my hands and arm.

Snitch- If someone should walk by your cage when you eating, its okay to keep eating.  You don't need to freeze and pretend to be a stick for the next couple of hours.

Casey - dancing around in circles will not make me get to the back door any faster, I will get there as soon as I can - you can hold it for the extra 5 seconds it takes me to get to the door. You can walk sometimes too, we don't always need to run and hop everywhere. Stay out of the litter boxes, you know better. People in hats are not scary - you do not need to bark and growl like a fool whenever someone comes in the house with a hat on. No one likes a begger, you'll get your dinner too. And baby Rachel doesn't like her feet being licked - you don't need to do that every time she comes over.

Tillie - you're the queen, we get that. You don't need to swat every other animal that walks past you. You're declawed - it's not going to hurt them. And - grabbing people as the walk by you is cute, but it also gets annoying. You get more than your fair share of attention - people will pet you, I promise.

Tonka - quit bringing in the lizards. They can stay on the back porch. I don't need them in the house.

Smokey - The dog is not going to kill you. He hasn't yet - and has no intentions of doing so. You two would get along great if you would just relax. And the demons are NOT chasing you at night, you can quit running all over the house at 3 AM.

Sammy - You're not a dog. You're a cat. The others laugh at you because you greet us at the door, and sit on command. It's ok to share the wet food - there's plenty to go around. And quit drinking out of the pool - that is not your giant water bowl. You're going to fall in again....

Carleigh - there is no reason to inhale the entire bowl of cat food when we feed you. There's plenty in the garage - you will NOT go hungry. Also - please stop chasing the dog, he does not enjoy your games. He also really does not enjoy being groomed, he gets his baths - you don't need to help.

you're all crazy, but I love you.

 Honor:

1. I really like it when you act soft and cuddly with me.  It's very enjoyable, even though you look at me with that goofy "I'm just indulging you" face.

2. The bunnies are friends, not food.  You do not increase my confidence when you stare at them like they are your next meal.

3. You have been brushed regularly since you were 8 weeks old.  You have had plenty of time to experience that the brush does not maim you.  Please stop acting like I'm torturing you with it.

Nike:

1. Most everyone is going to be nice to you if you greet them.  It's ok to say hi to them, as most of them are holding treats for you that I have secretly given them to convince you that they're good. 

2. Please stop pulling Honor's tail like an emergency brake when she's outrunning you.  She's already lost three inches from her tail from the kink when she was a puppy, I would REALLY like not to see her lose any more please.

3. Your foodbowl does not refill itself automatically the faster you eat.  So please stop scarfing, and then gazing mournfully into the bowl like it has disappointed you.

Gracie:  The toilet is NOT your personal water bowl. Plunging your head into the toilet and drinking, and drinking, and drinking and drinking when momma needs to go potty  is not funny. I understand you think it is weird that I pee in your water bowl.  I also understand that you think it is weird that I scoop up your poop when you have so carefully taken the time to search for the optimal spot to scent mark. But as the alpha, I have a right to be weird.

Catherine: You are 110 pounds. You will not starve if I substitute green beans for a small part of your kibble until you slim down.  If it is raining, momma cannot stop the rain. You will have to get wet when you go out and potty.

Agnes

this is cute game:

BAILEY - its not very nice to wake up in the middle of the night and chew through my cell phone chargers - and no matter how many you will chew through.... i will always by another one.... and what pleasure do you get out of chewing through a wire?? I don't understand... And Bailey Girl - you kick in your sleep.... and it hurts but i still love youuuuuuuuu!  And its not nice to sit and stare at us when we eat.... I don't lay down and stare and you while you are eating your food you daddy ruined you there so its not entirely your fault... oh and one last thing... i LOVE the fact that all i have to say is the word "bath" and you jump in the tub and love your bath time... BUT when I am in the tub, relaxing, that doesn't mean you can join me... i like my privacy....

NELLY - You are the smartest dog in the world and you sure love your daddy.... but just because you manage to jump in the back and plant yourself there and make Daddy beg for 10 minutes for you to jump down - doesn't mean you can always come with us.... although we want you to! And Nelly, you don't have to be so protective over me and Chad... You are mama bear and no other dog can take us away, so you dont have to be so mean to all the other puppies.... the love you too!

DOOBIE - Mommy still misses you and thinks about you every day.... I love you sweet boy!

Gingerbread-  Spend more time with me, I need love too you know! Stop being a little piggy and going into Peanut's crate to eat his food.

Peanut- People don't like having their faces licked when they're dead asleep. They also don't want to be kissed on the lips or in the ears.  Everything on the coffee table doesn't belong to you, so you can stop counter surfing any time now. Grabbing and shredding used kleenexs is especially annoying. The entire carpet isn't your personal potty area and I don't enjoy finding your little "presents". I'm making allowances for the last couple, because you're a puppy. But seriously, get it right!

 Another one:

• Ben, I love it when you snuggle up to me and keep me warm while I'm on the sofa working.  But, and this is a big but, don't think I don't know what you're doing when you stretch out with your head on my thigh just WAITING for me to get up to get coffee or lunch.  The way you look at me when I come back and "Oops! your head has just "happened" to fall where I was sitting because my leg wasn't propping it up anymore" is funny, I grant that, but I am always going to make you move it again. 
  

Kaiser- I wish you wouldn't pace back and forth across the living room when you're bored. I also wish you didn't think you were the home security guard and quit knocking over your bowls because there is a dog you can see out the window. It'd also be great if you quit licking yourself if my bed.

Wyatt- I would do anything for you not to bark at every little sound you hear, and every time someone locks their car door and it honks. I also wish you wouldn't jump up when i step over you...you cause me to trip a lot.

Both- Please don't wrestle in front of the TV while i'm trying to change channels. The signal can't travel through you. And pretty please STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

A few more:

Ari - Please do not EVER stop zooming with your butt tucked under you and your eyes all crazy like.  It makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt.
     - Please stop sticking your nose up my butt.  It's rude, I don't care how amusing you find my reaction.     
     - Yes that's you cube food dispenser.  No, rolling it in my direction then giving me a dirty look does not mean I'm going to fill it for you. 
     - Please stop whining when I leave for work in the morning, it breaks my heart.  I always come home to you and we'll have more fun then.