I wish I could tell my dogs...

 Can I play?

Ben, sweetie...

• There is no competition for dog food in this house, as of yet.  I don't like it.  The noise like a hoover for 30 seconds is amusing but unnecessary.
• The more you squeak a toy, the more it squeaks.  That's it.  It doesn't increase the chances that I'll play with you if I have my hands full, rest assured that when I am free, I'll happily take part in the game.
• Yes, there are two snuggly fleece blankies on the sofa.  Hard as it may be for you to believe, they are for the benefit of the two humans in the house, who weren't born with the benefit of thick fur from head to toe.  They are not both yours, and pulling them both underneath you is spiteful. 
  
• That I will pick up your slobbery tennis ball over and over in my bare hands is evidence that I love you, I don't need to give you my dinner to prove it.

LOL....of course...that's why I posted...so folks can add on...good ones, Kate!

CATS:

MamaCat: You are evil...to do Cleo like you do. You like snuggling...she likes snuggling...you should just let it go and snuggle.

Yahoo: I do not believe you. My husband does NOT prefer you..to me. I have something you don't...and we'll just leave it at that, shall we?

Kenya:  It's OK to bark, tug, run and play without constantly "asking" for my permission.  It's OK to think for yourself and do something because it pleases you and not just because it pleases me.  No one is going to hurt you; no one ever has.

Coke:  If you would stop and LOOK at me when you try to run away you would see I am holding the yummiest treat imaginable and you can have the entire thing if you would just stop and listen for 2 seconds.

Nikon: Barking at other dogs and constantly licking them in the face might be tolerable for the dogs in our house but someday you are going to do it to the wrong dog and I'll just say I told you so.

 lol great thread.

Neiko: You can stand up to the girls. They will back down, I promise. Also, whining at the kitty will not get him to play with you.

Lily:  Please stop waking me up in the middle of the night by launching yourself on top of me from across the room. As cute as you are, I do not like being woke up that way. A little nose nudge and a whine would be fine. Also, the cats butt is not a Popsicle.

Abbie: Barking at the TV when other dogs are on, does not result in anything. Also, you are supposed to catch the frisbee, not bark at it.

Trucker: You will not die if I feed you at 7:30 instead of 6am. Stop pawing at my face while I'm sleeping! Also, a good swat to Abbies face will get her to leave you alone. You have claws, use them.

Jewlieee

Also, the cats butt is not a Popsicle.

LMBO...haw haw!! No, it's more like a Pez dispenser!!

Gina & Jewileee:  ROFL!  And a bit of Eeeewwwww at the same time.

Ahem...

Bear: it isn't necessary to lick your bowl 4000 times once the food is gone.  I'm pretty sure not only is the food gone, but the flavor is as well.  Same goes for the cats' plates and the floor in the immediate area.

Moose the cat: you do not have thumbs and cannot get lids off the pots I am cooking food in (even if I am cooking food for you).  One day you will burn yourself or catch your hair on fire.

Missy the cat: please stay off of my nightstand - I'm tired of you knocking stuff off it at 2:00 a.m.  You broke my lamp already - isn't that enough?  And be nice to Moose - he does at least snuggle up to keep you warm and clean those parts of you that you can't quite reach.

LoL , cute thread!

Ace- Please stop choosing to snuggle when your jowls are covered in slobber. If you can just wait for me to wipe your mouth before you pounce on me, I'll stop squirming away from you for the nearest towel or napkin. You'll be more comfortable.

Velvet- You don't have to wake us up every morning by licking our faces and standing on us. I'll hear you when you get up. You don't have to come and accost virtually all of my senses first thing in the morning (no matter how cute you are when you do it!)

Reety- Ace and Velvet want to get close to you so they can cuddle. Really, that's all. Ask Roscoe if you don't believe me. There's no need to leave and/or growl if they get in your personal space. Just see what they want, one time. You'll stop being so grouchy.

 Roscoe- Please stop stretching and digging your claws into my feet when you do it. I swear you seek us out to do it. Every good stretch, it seems like you want to be drawing blood. That hurts! Don't do that, mister!

 Bixby- The backyard is the backyard. It hasn't changed. When I stand up you don't need to go body slam the door barking. I know where you want to go and we're going! Plus, you were out 5 minutes ago. It hasn't magically become a land of prime rib and sausages!

 Just logged in for a sec and had to say:

Bugsy if I want a magazine to read I'll get one.  There is no need to select one for me.  Ditto for the dish towels.

also you are a very large dog, you do not fit in some places and you can easily knock people over with your enthusiasm

and lastly this is a real shocker but if you don't instantly destroy your toys you would actually have MORE fun because you could play with them AGAIN

Rotf lmbo!  What fun!!!  I was thinking this morning I needed some Cleo pics to make this gloomy cold day more fun but this is a close 2nd!

Hot Shot : Mommy and Daddy are so happy that you are a part of our family, however;  You must remember, you are 150lbs and the thunder will not hurt you and Daddy's lap is not big enough for you to hide on.   Please try to tone down the tail, Mommy cant put everything up high!

Rocky:  We love you so much but you are a dog, not a cat.....Daddy will catch the mice.   Also Mommy is very proud that you have learned to pick up the dirty clothes and take them to the laundry but you dont need to bring the neighbor girls hoodies home, her Mommy will wash them for her.

Charlie:

•  I promise if you poop and pee immediately without having to sniff the same area 40000 times at 4:30 am, when it is below zero, I will give you my entire lunch
• Just because Daddy hoots and hollers at the TV doesn't mean you have to jump on my lap to protect me.  Trust me, he isn't going to do anything but hoot and holler
• Riley isn't big enough to play yet - trust me when she gets older she will drive you mad, but right now it just isn't going to work. 
• Everytime the door bell rings or someone knocks on the door it isn't for you.  There is no need to to start barking like a wild dog and rushing the door.  You are scaring the old people in the complex
• When we leave the house and you are alone there is no need for a melt down, we are coming back.  Please trust me on this. 

Chyna  You've been with me for over ten years, & I can't remember a single time that I have forgotten to feed you.  There really is no reason to drool all over my floors when meal time gets close.  One day, I may slip in that puddle, & knock myself unconscious.  If this happens, you might actually miss a meal.  It won't be good.

Bevo  The goldfish don't appreciate you using their little pond in the back yard as your personal bathtub.  Keep your big butt out of there!  Also, dad asked me to remind you that when we are in bed, you belong on my left side, he belongs on my right side.   Wedging youself in between us isn't necessary.  Sleeping on top of dad because he refuses to move isn't really acceptable either.  No matter how funny I find it...

Brinxx  Believe it or not, not everyone wants to love on you.  Sure, I think that these people are weird, but they do exist.  When you meet people like this, there is no reason to beg them for petting.  If they want to pet you, they will. 

Shooter  Sharing is not a bad thing.  Hoarding all of the toys, & claiming the largest bed in the house as yours is just tacky. 

Schatzi  I understand that you love magazines, but I'd appreciate it if you would wait to "sample" them after I have had a chance to read them.  It's very difficult to read an article when there is a hole chewed through the magazine!   Also, the little red balls hanging on the Christmas tree are not yours.  There is no squeaker in those, therefore they are obviously not yours.  Leave them alone!

 Miss Ari

• We both love playing with you.  But sometimes the humans have to do human things.  Biting us will only get you a timeout and definitively no play time.  It makes all of us sad, so please stop biting.  If you finally stop biting us I'll buy you a huge steak just for you.  Seriously.
  
• Our neighbors are allowed to go into their house.  Please stop barking at them, you know your lucky they are good folks with a great sense of humor about the whole situation.
• Brushes are not evil, and nor are the nail clippers.  Must you turn into a savage beast when you see them?
• Please stop helping me with laundry.  Really when you run around with my dirty socks or underwear that's not helping.  Though I do admit it's amusing....=)
• Please for the love of all that's holy STOP eating everything that is not food.  This includes (but not limited too):  clothing, my hair, dirt, poop, paper, rocks, sticks, parts of toys, or any miscellaneous item you happen across. 
  
• Stop farting in my face.  Really very unlady like.  What are your humans feeding you anyway?! 
• Please don't ever stop being silly it brightens my day.
  

Jewel- When the speaker on the wall goes "Ding-Dong" there's someone here, but when the TV does it it's just messing with you!

Noel- Just because there's snow on the deck doesn't mean it's OK to pee there

Sam - I love you dearly. But, please, please, stop jumping on me! You are a 55 pound dog of solid muscle - it hurts me when you jump on me 50 times at full speed!! And, another thing, when we take you to the dog park - be nice to the other doggies, you will have much, much more fun that way. I promise, and if another dog starts a fight with you - by all means, finish it. Because, well, thats just not right for them to mess with you ***IF*** you were being nice. But otherwise - PLEASE be nice and then you'd get to run and play with all the other dogs!

Taz - I love you too, but you are not my dog. You are my Mom's dog. I think were both pretty clear on that one. Now, please, stop chasing the cats - they do not want to play with you. And, another thing, when I tell you things like Sit, Down, Stay.....just do it. You know what it means. You will infact, get the treat a heck of a lot faster!

Oliver - Ok mister orange butt, stop jumping on my laptop while I'm typing! Seriously, I will give you a whole can of wet food at night if you just stop! Another thing, you do not need to bite **everything**. Not everything is edible.

Isabelle - You are the sweetest kitten, but your evil side is a mile wide. When I let you sleep in my bed at night, do not thank me by trying to rip the meat off my forearm. That hurts, and it will only get you thrown off my bed. Seriously - thrown. It hurts, badly, don't do it!