What do I say?

I guess the truth with a little bit of padding?  Such as, that we were together for a very short time, he didn't have his priorities straight and the relationship didn't work.  Cuz, you know he's gonna want to know THAT part of the story too.  I don't know how old Kale is, and of course, you want to protect your child from being hurt, so perhaps just that the man isn't interested in being a Dad and that he doesn't know what he's missing?  That YOU love him enough for TWO or three or ten parents, and that he has a great step dad who loves him like he's his own child?

I don't envy you this conversation.

 Tell him the truth.

My dad dumped me and my brother on my grandparents when we were 4-5. They thought they was getting us for the summer. Instead they got us to raise themselves. He would come get us every summer. Wanna know where we were all summer? At a babysitters.

Well my dad got remarried when I was 12. That was the end of seeing him every summer. He said they didnt have time or the room for us. The truth was his wife hates kids. 

I no longer talk to the sorry excuse of a human being. My brother unfortunatly still is trying to have him in his life. My brother is 21 years old.

Tell him the truth. 

I'm so sorry for having such a crappy ex.

I think you should tell your son. Remind him that it's not his fault - some 'fathers' are just crappy(mine and Kale's are prime examples). Teaching him that being honest is the best thing, and it will help him be truthful and a better father later in life.

I, personally, hate when people(especially my Mom) are dishonest with me. It's better to let him know now in my opinion.

**hugs**

 Honestly... I have no idea. But I know if I were in your situation, I would be looking for any ideas at all, so...

Here's some Google advice! (all should open in new windows)

http://www.kateandemily.com/node/236

http://www.family2000.org.uk/coping_with_absent_father.htm

http://singleparents.about.com/od/communicatingwiththekids/a/talk_divorce.htm

I hope that helps... big hugs sent your way.

I was 3 when my mother and father divorced. I remember asking if I had been bad. No, mommy and daddy just couldn't live together anymore. Young children are stilling learning the difference between themselves and the rest of the world, hence they have a basic notion of causality.

Kale's daddy can't seem to be a part of his life but that's okay because mommy handles everything, anyway. With a enough love to last a lifetime.

I didn't get to have much contact with my father after we moved to Texas and I am still confused from differing viewpoints as to why that was so. As of consequence, I didn't know that he had passed away until a few years ago when I was able to contact his widow. Evidently, the child support was sporadic but there seems to have been quite a bit of animosity between my mother and him. And now, the widow has dropped off the map though she had last mentioned moving from San Bernadino, CA to somewhere in Florida. I wonder if he ever knew of what happened to us. My grandparents were the type to use that kind of info as a bargaining chip and I don't play games. My mom, when she was alive, wasn't likely to talk about it, coming from the school of "If you can't say something nice, then say nothing."

I guess you can tell Kale that his father has problems and won't see him and it has nothing to do with Kale and that he (Kale) is a good person and none of this is his fault. That he has all the love he needs. Someday, when he is old enough, he may wish to see his father, anyway. The hard part will be for you to let him go, knowing full well his heart may get broken all over again.

 Thanks people.  We ran out of time tonight to really talk about it.  My sister showed up and I really wanted it to be a private conversation just  between Kale and I, though my sister knows the whole story.  I'll get Kali to bed early tomorrow so we can have a long talk. 

FTR, I've never once thought of lying to him.  And sugar coating doesn't seem to be the right word, but I think Glenda and Ron, that you have the idea of what I want to do.  I hope I can word it well enough so that he understands how I mean it.  The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I'm afraid there's not much I can do about that.  

Oddly enough, he asked me if his real dad died in the war.  This confuses me a bit.  What war?  How old does he think his father is?  But I'll talk to him about that as well.  I'm thinking it may have something to do with the same photo that led me to believe my grandfather died in the war...I thought that until I was probably 25...Turns out he died in an accident in the mill in Attikoken.  The only picture I'd ever seen of him was his army portrait, so I just assumed.  We'll see though.

huskymom

  And sugar coating doesn't seem to be the right word, but I think Glenda and Ron, that you have the idea of what I want to do. 

There's a huge difference between "truth" and trying to 'protect' him and inadvertently rolling over him with details he didn't want nor need.

In Kale's situation it has nothing to do with KALE at all.  It isn't Kale that the idiot didn't want.  It was simply responsibility of ANY sort.  He wasn't decent to you when it was just you two, and he was gone before he knew you were pregnant. 

you can't say dad didn't want HIM because Dad never had even one moment's interation *with* him so it's no rejection of Kale at all.  Help him see that.

There's a reason why some people refer to their ex as a sperm donor. 

"Kale, I got the best end of the deal -- he left so I didn't have to be unhappy because of the way he treated me and he left before he even knew you were "likely" much less "reality"!!  So not your fault at all.  And he was rotten at making choices anyway, so rather than expose himself to the wonder that is you, Kale, he ran away an hid to avoid what he thot might be a "responsibility" that he chose not to deal with."

huskymom

Oddly enough, he asked me if his real dad died in the war.  This confuses me a bit.  What war?  How old does he think his father is? 

He's a kid, dearheart -- think like a boy for a minute.

He's NOT thinking "Let's see I'm 9 plus 9 months so 10 years (almost) ago was 1998 and was there a war on then? hmmmmm"

Nooooooooo -- he would like to re-manufacture this MIA dad into something of a hero so he at least has a fantasy hero on the side.  A dad who was a potential war hero who just "didn't make it home and she hasn't told me" SOUNDS way way way more attractive than "I scared him so bad he left!!"

Kids follow a certain logic pattern, but it's one that helps them cope really often.  But we don't start adding our age plus 9 months to see if Mom was P.G. when she 'married' Pa until we're in our middle teens.  (and yeah ALL OF US have done that math in our head somehow -- "what were they doing when they made ME?";)

Essentially he's trying to validate this all in his head ... trying to make him the least "awful" that he can because this is his missing "Y" chromosome.  They have to rationalize or blame ... and Kale thinks, right now, that if HE isn't the problem, then YOU are?  Because Dad is an unknown and it's hard to manufacture something bad out of a void -- the draw to think "it's all MY fault" is toooo huge.

Don't make Dad out to be 'bad'.  You can't win that way, not ultimately.  He was just a guy who wound up as a sperm donor.  Not like a blood donor who is trying to save lives.  He just wasn't careful and neither were you, and Kale was the result. 

But be sure to stress that altho he wasn't planned, he was the best thing that ever happened to YOU.  And wow -- his Dad really missed a ton by avoiding the "responsibility". 

Try to take "Kale" (the person, the human being, the awesome kid) out of the equation so Kale can see it wasn't him personally who was rejected, but rather the perceived responsibility of being a father.

Try to put it on a kid level -- is there some 'thing' you've tried to encourage Kale to do or try and he just won't do it?  SOME people absolutely think spinach is the best veg out there but YOU won't try it will you?  Sometimes there are things people just plain avoid in this life because they're afraid to try that thing -- either they're afraid they won't like it or afraid they're just not good enough to do that thing. (a sport, an instrument, etc.)

It's not just kids who have to make choices like that ... and as we get older the choices we have to make as adults can sometimes be HUGE-ER than any we had to make as young people.  Because as the choices get bigger -- like acknowledging that your sperm actually MADE a child. the responsibilities that go along with those choices get way way way way WAY bigger too -- and sometimes people just plain avoid the responsibility because they don't want to screw it up, so it's easier to pretend it's just not there at all. (like demanding a paternity test when you'd never questioned it before).

 Sorry that's long but it's my 2 cents anyway. 

 I've always liked the statement, any guy can be a father (as in to father offspring) but it takes someone special to be a dad. 

I would tell him the basic gist of your past, that you were in love and together once, but the relationship didn't work.  Make sure to place emphasis on the fact you broke up even before his birth and that the break up had nothing to do with him.  I would also put emphasis on the fact his father was not strong enough to live up to the role of dad and thus thought the best thing was to let you both move on and find a family and happiness elsewhere.  That is sugar coating the truth a bit, but I think it would be best to avoid painting a picture of his father as a complete jerk.

I agree--he was Kale's SIRE, but NOT his dad.

 I don't have any good advice for you other than what others have already said: don't lie, but protect him from being hurt. try very hard to keep your own personal feelings about the jerk out of it.

Either way, I just wanted to throw my support your way. Be strong.

Just adding my support for your convo tonight.  It will be hard, but it will be ok too.

Oh and on the side topic that started, I 100% agree, sperm donor does not equal Dad.

I don't have children and sometimes that seems to make my advice not too valid but I just wanted to add something.  Although you said that Kale's real Dad is basically a jerk and he's a grown man and sort of implied that he won't likely change, you could be wrong.  I am not the same person I was at 18 or at 36 or at 46.  We all keep changing and learning (hopefully).  I guess what I am trying to say is don't shut the door, in Kale's mind, that he will NEVER have a relationship with his Dad.  I know you don't want to give him some sort of hope that his Dad will ride up on a white horse and be the Dad he never has been but it's not beyond the realm of possibility that someday his real Dad will change.

I too come from a divorced family but I was lucky in that my Dad was always a better Father than a husband.  He married three times and fathered six children and he loved everyone of us and I still miss him though he died many years ago.

I'm sure you wouldn't but I've seen other people at other times invoke their own feelings about a person to their kiddo. I bet you wouldn't but to me that is not the right thing to do. Really the future is vast and many folks, have found their birth fathers or mothers and actually developed a good relationship. That may happen...may not...but leaving emotion out of it and just giving the facts as many here suggested seems like a good plan.

I know I have no idea where my dad is but I harbor him no ill will...more just curiosity than anything (how much do I resemble him? how tall is he?). That's due mainly to my Mom telling me about him, fleeting memories of him when I was a toddler and her lack of negativity or hostility towards him. I thank her for that every day...

 FWIW, I have never forbade Ron to see Kale.  He did try once to tell my friend that I told him he couldn't see him unless we got back together.  That was horse poopy, and my friend shut him down right away telling him she has seen the court agreement and knew the truth.  Not that anyone has implied that, just another example of the kind of guy he is.

Jackie, I haven't written him off.  I pray every night that he will in fact ride up on the metaphoric white horse and become the father that Kale deserves.   It breaks my heart that Kale does not know his other grandparents.  I know that when they find out, it will break their hearts too.  I truly feel bad for them, missing out on all that is Kale for 9 years because Ron is to afraid to tell them he has a son.  And Ron really does have alot to offer a kid, if he ever chose to be a dad.  He plays hockey, baseball, all kinds of sports really, and he's good.  He is also one of those people that can just pick up an instrument and play it without ever having a lesson. 

Gina, part of my problem in what I say to Kale is how I can relay the facts to him without putting my emotion into it.  I don't want to tell him his dad is a jerk, or an irresponsible a$$ or whatever.  No matter what he has done, he still makes up half of Kale's DNA and I'm sure that will reflect on Kale as well.

Callie, thanks for your insight on the dying in the war thing.  Thinking about it, I'm sure you're right.  

Wish me luck.