I-Dog prayers needed urgently! *update pg6*

 One other thing about a (good) lawyer, particularly the type of lawyer who specializes in such things - the lawyer is trained to be a fair, impartial observer who can and will intervene so you don't have to. And they're used to settling bitter and emotional family disputes. You don't have the "play the bad guy" if you have a lawyer standing there and saying yes, this is okay, no, this is not. The lawyer by virtue of his/her credentials is seen as an authority (particularly with older people, I find -they're much more inclined to trust someone "important" like a doctor or a lawyer). The lawyer is much more likely to be believed/obeyed than the family members, in my experience. Having a "referee" there might help you guys a lot.

Also, don't forget to take care of you during this difficult time... take a bubble bath, go out riding, do whatever you need to do to "center" and make sure you're okay. I know how quickly this sort of thing can wear you down, so keep taking good care of yourself, too.

Lots of good wishes coming from us out here.

I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers and as Cita said, do take care of yourself thru this.

One other thing that I thought of was that your stepmother may try telling your dad that you're all busy and don't have the time to stop by. I remember my dad saying "you guys have better things to do than come see me" , so if your dad pushes you away, push back. Even if you just sit beside is bed while he sleeps, he'll appreciate you being there.

 We all saw him briefly, one at a time.  I called a little while ago and asked how he was; painfree? comfortable? is there a drink by his bed, only I don't think he'd had one earlier?  She got pretty sniffy with me and insisted there was - I explained as calmly as I could that I love him dearly and was only concerned, because I know it is hard for HER too, especially as there have been A LOT of visitors today...and my head hasn't been all taht clear at the moment...   That seem to soothe her feathers just a little.

I reiterated we were on the same page because we "both" want to do what HE wants.  I asked if he had had any of the medication we had brought for him and she said not today.  I said that I know he wanted to take it; why hadn't he had it today?  He hadn't asked for it apparently.  IT was very frustrating becasue I was asking simple, rational, calm questions and she kept evading them.  Eventually she actually reassured me, because dad's body is not able to take a lot of fluid right now, it would cause a great deal of pain.  This treatment must be taken in water and EXTRA water needs to be taken to help flush out the toxins that the medication has helped to expel from his cells.  The last thing I want is my dad to be in such pain.  I haven't given up on him, but I don't want him to linger in pain either if there is nothing that will help him.  That looks to be what we are facing right now.

I actually have this feeling in my bones that he is going soon and I'm resisting it, because I am determined not to give up on him.... but you know how a dog will often wait until his master comes home "to say goodbye" before he passes?  Well, dad saw every one of his children today.... and some of his granchildren too... all the people who I think matter the most to him I think.  Perhaps he might let himself go now, now that we have all been to see him.  Or perhaps he will hang on, in the hopes his brother (estranged) will put in an appearance.... I am not sure.  I think he knows his brother too well to expect that, but hope, they say, springs eternal.

I feel a litle bit helpless - lost - confused.  I am not sure why he could not be in a drip in hopsital and have the treatment that way.  I know he would rather not go to hospital, but I also know that he does not want to die. He said so yesterday.  Perhaps when a cancer patient is in pain and ill for a very long time, the end comes as a kind of relief, but this has been sudden and I think dad is afraid.  I am also wondering if we really have given him every chance we could have.... and that is making this harder.

I am OK at the moment... I am not grieving yet.  

I'm with you, thinking and praying. I still think you should try to be with him, give him company and enjoy his company too. He is there and he shouldn't be alone. I don't want to be rough, but is time to step up a little, the stepmother is one you are a bunch... she can't beat all of you.

Sorry if my comment is too much.

Chuffy, I really don't have anything to add, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you.  I lost my dad in February, so I understand much of what you are going through.  It is so hard to see them slipping away.

My heart hurts for you Chuffy.  This time in your life is one of the hardest you will endure.  I hope that your coming here to write this all out and read our words gives you just a little bit of comfort.  Please do take care of you, it is necessary.  Take the time to do whatever helps you to relax.  A nice bubblebath?  Sit in the garden with a nice glass of wine?  Listen to some nice soothing music? 

The thing that really bothers me is this is THE time when all should come together.  Stepmom has no right at all to keep you and your brothers and sisters away.  If he needs the rest...you can go out to the hallway or family room for a few minutes.  He needs you there, and you need to as well.  As someone said already, energies should be spent on him and what he needs, and keeping him comfortable and positive.  Surrounded by love.

When my dear, dear FIL was ill with cancer, he spent his time at home.  DH and I lived with him to be his caretakers.  It is such a stressful time and we too had family problems to deal with.  Emotions run high.

We spent our time with him as groups or individually constantly.   I would read to him...he enjoyed that.

Continued prayers, positive thoughts and hope from me and mine to you and yours.

 It's hard for me to reply to this, having lost my husband in April...but maybe I can offer some insight into your stepmother's actions.  It is distressing to see your loved one slipping away and knowing you will be left to cope.  In one way, you want to grab onto any little hope someone may offer, but at the same time you hate seeing him suffer and wish it would just be over, for his sake.  I remember the head of the medical school coming in and talking about giving him 24 hrs to turn this around.  I couldn't deny whatever he wanted to try, but in my heart I just thought it was too much.  The Lord made the decision for us a few hours later, and I hope it doesn't sound terrible, but I felt a sense of relief, finally. 

I would never have denied my children and his mother and brother the chance to be with him, but as a mother, I would also rather have them cherish the good memories and spare them the end...but I'm sure not everyone would think the same.  

Does your Dad have a living will?  That might help if he does...because he would already have made some of the decisions instead of his family having to do it.  My DH would not make one out, so that left me to decide the course of treatment.  I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have wanted some of what he got, but a doctor gives you a ray of hope,  you grab on to it.

Hugs to you all, it's one of the hardest things in life to handle.

 My thanks to you all.... and YES strangely this IS a comfort.

He looked so shrunken and in pain and I want to take that away so badly.  I know he is scared; he does not want to go - who does?  So I'm thinking of him and praying for him and sending him strength.

 Just checking in Chuffy, to see how things are going and to let you know your dad is still in my thoughts and prayers as are you, Will and the rest of your family. 

Chuffy, I am just now reading this for the first time. I am so sorry that you and your family are going thru this.. yes...it sounds like a movie...not something that happens in real life. I pray for your dad,,,and I pray for you and your family.....may you all have the strength to get thru this. And I pray for peace for you all.

I love the picture of your Dad at your wedding! What a beautiful picture to remember him by. His picture reminds me of my favorite....Paul Newman!

Peace!

Chuffy still thinking of you and your Dad and lifting you up.  And that note is still on my printer!

Good thoughts and prayers coming from everybody here.  

 Thinking of you, Chuffy, and sending peace and strength.

Chuffy - first a note to let you know that I am thinking about it!!

Second, I would like to offer the perspective from a care giver standpoint.  This doesn't really apply since your dad is so young and your step mum is acting differently and you are actively involved, but may give some insight to others...

My mom was the primary caregiver for my granny.  This is a little bit different because she was soo old (almost 100) and wasn't really "sick", just tired and dying from old age (she eventually died because her heart stopped - just tired).  But, when it was getting closer to the end one of the doctors had spoken to my other sisters about a new treatment, my sisters were all over us about why aren't we following this treatment why are we giving up...almost accusing my mom of withholding treatment from my granny. 

This hurt my mom more than you could know.  She was the one that is there every day every hour every doctor appt., etc.  Cousins would pop in to say hi, etc. and my granny would put on a happy face, but they weren't there when she was in pain, was confused, was saying she was tired and just wanted to go to sleep.  They would leave and pass judgement without knowing what was going on when they weren't there (DEFINITELY NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH YOU CHUFFY - JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS). 

My mom in turn is young (63 at the time) and her health was starting to fail - from the pressure, exhaustion - physical and mental.  She couldn't leave the house, couldn't go on vacation, the only time her and my dad could go out was when we had a sitter for my granny or I was there.  There I was, a relatively new bride spending the night at my mom's just to give her a break during the night.  My mom never complained, she felt this is what children do, but you could see the exhaustion on her face.

My oldest sister in particular was extremely judgemental when we HAD to put her in a nursing home.  I finally told her that until she changes adult diapers 4 - 5 times a night, and is homebound 24/7/365 she has no right, considering she comes over maybe once a month.  My mom on the other hand was at the nursing home everyday.

Basically what I am trying to say is, sometimes people don't see what is going on behind the scenes and feel the caregiver isn't doing everything they can, when they don't know the whole picture.  It is our natural reaction to fight for the ones we love so we don't lose them, but sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let them go.  No one wants to hear that, but unfortunately it's true.

Peace and love to your family Chuffy - I am saying prayers for you.