I-Dog prayers needed urgently! *update pg6*

Chuffy

she is standing in his way and trying to dissuade him, for no real reason. 

Prayers tonight will be that Step Mum will reach into her heart and see that anything is possible if you have faith!

My best to you all Chuffy,

Chuffy - I don't blame you for being upset. I'd feel the same way. Is it possible for you and your sisters to sit down with her privately and just explain that it's important to you that everything than can be done, is being done? Maybe it would also be a good opportunity to let her know that you understand how hopeless she might feel but that you haven't lost hope and you don't want your father to either. Let her know that none of you are interested in talking about final plans while you're trying to help your dad regain his strength.

 I have thought long and hard about this.... I think us sitting down with her will not work.  She has always felt outnumbered by us and jealous of the close relationship we have with our dad.  I think she will feel "ganged up on" and it would backfire.  But I *do* want to address this. 

I have just spent a long time very carefully wording a text message to her to try to open a dialogue with her, hoping to lay the path so I can make a last ditch effort to tell her not to lose hope.  I am struggling to find the right words!

Many MANY thanks to you all for your continued support...

I wish you the best in dealing with your stepmom on this. These situations are so difficult for everyone and the differences in personalities can really create a huge strain. When my dad was sick, my brother had the durable power of attorney for medical decisions and we had a few squabbles about what we each thought was best. I'm thankful that it didn't get ugly but it was a very sad and difficult time for each of us. Good luck with however you choose to handle this and most of all know that your dad knows you love him and nothing is going to change that.

 What do you think of this...

"Hope yr OK.  So pleased dad wants to try that new stuff, I can't wait to see how he does on it.  I will be away this weekend but please keep me posted on his progress and I will try to see him on Sunday afternoon with William.  We haven't given up on him yet!  "

There's a lot implied there, I don't know if she will miss it completely or take it as a dig.  It's the best I could come up with.

I think your msg is perfect and she certainly won't take it as a dig towards her or anything. I hope it helps.

 All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your Dad. I lost my Dad to cancer when he was only 47 and know what you're going through; {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

Chuffy, would it be possible to bring someone into the picture to talk about the treatment;  A doctor, a nurse, an herbalist.  Perhaps another patient that had good results could share experience.  That may get her to open up to the possibilities. 

Hugs from us to you and yours.  Wishing that you guys can get your stepmom to look at this with a more hopeful outlook.  Continued good thoughts, positive energy and healing vibes coming your way.

Chuffy, I'm sorry your step-mom is causing a challenge for you.  I really hope she doesn't stop your dad from trying this treatment.  Hopefully she is just scared and is reacting from that.  Best of luck to you.  I also think your message sounded just fine. 

Chuffy

The bottom line is this: Dad WANTS to try it, and she is standing in his way and trying to dissuade him, for no real reason. 

She has made it clear time and again, but particularly these last few days, that she doesn't think dad will beat this, she has given up now and is preparing for him to die. 

Many folks have made the life choice to "never get your hopes up - they'll be dashed".  So they spend all their time in negativity and hence they never get "let down" because they already expect the worst.  It's how they operate -- plan for it and any 'good' thing is a plus, but they never realize that they make things worse by their attitude which essentially pours negativity into effect.

You won't change her -- I'm not sure you'll even be able to shut her up.  Likely the only effective thing is to simply have family there SO MUCH that she can't get around you.  She's trying to make this easier on HERSELF.  He's probably ceased to be her real concern -- but the buttons to push are things like "lessening his pain" and "lessening his general feeling of being so toxic and nauseus" -- I wouldn't use things like cure, but rather "support" and "relieving pain" and "relieving how sick he feels". 

She can't argue with that.

I have a LOT of herb books.  If you want to email me what you know about this stuff, I'll look in MY stuff and see if I can help you come up with something to help justify it. 

I assume you're already doing milk thistle if you're talking to an herbalist.  There are other, stronger herbs (mostly Chinese) that also help detox the liver.  There are also mushrooms -- I'm thinking particularly maitake -- that help protect healthy cells.

Liver toxicity shunts into the brain. 

Let me try to explain that -- both renal failure and liver failure product toxicity in the body because they both filter waste from the blood and body.  However, in kidney failure the toxins shunt directly into the stomach.  That's why renal failure patients get so sick -- but they really AREN'T as nauseus as they *feel* because it's simply that all the toxins from the kidneys go TO the stomach (and cause things like ulcers and general sickness). 

BUT ... in liver failure the toxins literally shunt directly to the brain.  So the nausea is actually more a mental thing than a physical thing SO if you can get the toxins clear  FROM the brain, they feel much much MUCH better. 

Now, that's not going to stop the liver failure ultimately -- but it WILL make your Dad much more comfortable because he won't *feel* so incredibly toxic and sick.  This is why trying to detox a liver patient is so critical.

This is also why your father's mere strength of will is so important -- because if he can grasp the fact that the toxins actually affect the brain in this manner, he will be able to over-ride that yucky feeling and say 'I'm going to ANYWAY'. 

There can be remarkable strength in a person's determination to say "I'm going to DO this no matter how horrible I FEEL ..."

Now -- as to the step mom?  One or several of you may need to risk truly confronting her (OUT of the room -- not in front of your Dad) and literally bulldozing her to say "Look -- we're his family and we're going to make sure he does what he wants". 

Now -- here in the States a spouse has certain legal rights -- you honestly may need to speak to a solicitor on Monday and find out how strong your position may be.  I don't know how unbalanced she is, but I wouldn't want you to put yourselves in a bad position should she decide to get nasty.

My guess is that she's just plain in self-protect mode.  She's mentally prepared herself for the end and she really doesn't want anyone confusing her decision with mere facts.  (like HE doesn't want to)  It's selfishness raised to a pinacle by necessity -- or her perceived necessity to protect herself from "disappointment". 

I know this is not easy... but do you think your brother and sisters and you could take turns to be with your father? I know everybody has to work and stuff... but if you not trust your step mom, the best thing is to split turns and have your father under your sight, giving him company and love.

That worked with my father in 2004, after an accident, two major brain surgeries and being in coma. Prayers and love helped him to recover. My presence beside his bed and messages from my brother and cousins helped him... so maybe you guys can give it a try.

A big hug and keep your strength.

 Thank you Callie - you have got this woman NAILED.  I have had her number for a long time, and I know that she is basically thinking of HERSELF at this time; "preparing for the worst" and essentially, "but, what about ME?" instead of concentrating her energies on dad.

We all went to visit dad today.  We arranged a meeting, my brothers and sisters and I,  to work out how to confront her, but dad took a turn for the worse and so we went to be with him instead.  I didn't say goodbye.  I couldn't bring myself too.  As sick as he is, I haven't given up on him yet and he KNOWS we all love him very very dearly.  She went upstairs to see him and came back down and said "your dad says thank you all for coming but please could you go now, he wants peace to rest."

My dad did NOT say that.  My dad would NEVER say that!  He only said to a family friend earlier today, "I would never turn my children away no matter what."

I am almost in tears here.  Not that my dad is dying so much... we all die.  But because he is alone, with only her, and she has not got the strength or compassion to handle this.... and he deserves better by him right now.  We just want to be with him....  I don't know what to do.  I admit to feeling desolate.  I am praying so hard!

I don't think she is even giving him the medication that would help him, but what more can I do?

Yesterday, he admitted to one of my sisters "I don't know what she is thinking" and said "I don't like lies".  He also asked for the bottle of medication and put it under his pillow!!!!  My god, my dad doesn't trust her either, how alone must he feel???!!!!!

Gosh Chuffy, I'm so sorry. It's like something out of a movie with the evil stepmother - ugh! I know some of the desperation you're feeling and all I can tell you is that I regret not being more forceful in some of the decisions about my dad. Don't make that mistake. If you think he needs/wants to see his children, then be there for him. He's truly the only important person in this. There's strength in numbers so it sounds like it's time to take a stand against her and tell her that you will all be taking turns visiting him and that's the end of the story.

 You are so right.  We should not have left.  My sister pushed it, she said she only wanted to go up and put her head round the door to say tarah, but step mum insisted we should go.  I wanted to say "I don't believe you!"  but if we have a row in the house and dad hears.... you know?  We've got to do something.  I just don't know what.  There's wasn't even a drink by his bed and he was in hospital only last week for being dehydrated.  Don't stop praying, please....

In the US we'd call this elder abuse - if he feels he can't even take the meds HE wants.  In honesty, you may have to intervene.  Can you guys work it out to take shifts and stay with him around the clock?  If he has confided to you kids that he is uncomfortable you may have to take steps that will be extremely unpleasant.  What I said about consulting a solicitor -- you may need to do so.  Particularly if your Dad has left a will -- but I would find out what you *can* do legally.  It may give her pause that she needs to back off.  Because you know, if she's saying that to YOU then she's saying to HIM "They never came today".