Chuffy
Posted : 10/20/2008 3:36:25 PM
My dad passed away peacefully at 3pm today; about 6 and a half hours ago.
mrstjohnson, I do understand what you are saying. It is different when you are there all the time. It is also different when the loved one who is in pain is also the person you have chosen to spend all your days with, the one around whom you have centred your entire life and dreams and world. I understand this.
This goes deeper than that and it goes back a long way. My dad bailed her out when they first met; her house was ging to be repossessed. During their marriage, she took him to bankruptcy twice. In the end he had to take all the finances away from her. Then she took his card and withdrew money from the account, sending it into the red again. She swore on her sons' lives she had not done it and tried to blame my sisters for the disappeared money. THEN she took my dads creidt card and used it to pay for her sons wedding without dads knowledge.... whne my dad has such a generous heart he would have GIVEN the card had he been asked. She hid the credit card statements so he wouldnt find out. All the while the payments were not being made becuase dad didnt know money was owing, and his credit rating was getting really bad. In the end he had to set up online banking without her knowledge and have the statements sent to another address, because he couldn't afford to carry on like that. This is just a snapshot of what she is like.
My dad made it very plain that he did not want to die and he wanted to try every treatment available to him. This treatment may have given him just a little bit longer and made him more comfortable and I believe whole heartedly he WANTED that chance. I wanted to abide by my dad's wishes; if he had wanted help to get to Switzerland for an assisted suicide I swear on my life I would have fought in his corner for that too.
Today she tried to keep us away. We went anyway and managed to persuade her to a compromise; that we would be quiet, calm and brief and the children would be kept away. After we had seen Dad, William fell asleep on my sisters lap and we stayed there, not wanting to disturb him as he desperately needed the nap before we made a move. We talked quietly about dad, how well loved he was and how brave he was. There were no tears. It was serene. Then stepmum came down and told us he had gone ten minutes before. I would like to think that helped my dad, despite the fact that she implied we had gone against his wishes by visiting.
Some of us stayed at my sisters house. We sat and chatted quietly... there were still no tears. We toasted dad twice. Once when we had a "nice cup of tea" (dad's favourite drink) and once with Jagermeister (sp?) We watched some home footage of him from when I was a baby, and more recently, at weddings and birthday parties. We talked about a life celebration for him, after the funeral, as we think he would like that.
I dreaded coming home. I couldn't bear the thought of coming through the front door to see everything as I had left it this morning when I left... when he was still alive. How could everything have changed.... and yet nothing was different? I had a bad moment when I saw DH had finally set up the dining table in the corner of the kitchen - he must have done it this afternoon. Dad gave me that a few years ago. Recently we had no space for it and had to keep it in the loft and then we enlarged the kitchen and brought it down to find we couldn't find the bolts for it. I had invited Dad round SO many times for dinner and he said "when you've got that table up girl!". So when I came in and saw it there in the kitchen.... you can imagine.
Say a prayer to send him on his way to wherever he is going? Knowing my dad, it can only be somewhere wonderful.