boyfriend trouble. help!

It is possible to fall deeply in love with a man who is wrong for you.  I did that and finally admitted it after 8 years of marriage.  I should have cut my loses and ended it a lot sooner.  I couldn't "fix" him or even help his self-confidence.   

You have gotten some good advice.  You deserve to be happy!  Unless this guy shows you soon that he is not playing head games, move on.  It is much better to hurt for a little while now than to continue to be unhappy!

Look at it this way.  One takes formal (school) classes and informal life classes - and (as long as our minds are working right) one never stops taking classes during life.  Life classes are more difficult than formal school because they can cause physical and/or mental pain.  No one gives you a grade or even tells you whether or not you "passed". 

You have only "stubbed your toe" in life.  It hurts like hell right now, but the lesson may literally keep you out of the ER later.

Your current life class is "Picking an SO".  The current chapter is probably "How to recognize when a relationship is not working".  You need to go back and revisit the chapter where you made your list of qualifications for an SO.

Required "qualifications" chapter reading:

• The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship (2nd Edition)
• 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

More advanced reading:

• 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last
• All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage, 3rd Edition
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy
• Financial Bliss: A Couple's Guide to Merging Money Styles and Building a Rich Life Together

 Relations are a lot of work - even with the "right" person!!!

I just got off the phone with him...you guys are probably gunna be dissapointed in me but. Everything is fine we talked and he said he was kinda mad that Jon hugs me but he was just messing around when he wouldnt give me a hug, he did say it jokingly but I took it seriously along with the go hug Jon comment. He didnt get to call last night because he was at a circus and didnt get home til late and was exhausted. And the night before that he fell asleep because he was tired from wrestling and didnt wanna be a grump on the phone....like the last time he called after wrestling and he was being crabby and I got mad at him. He is going to call me again later tonight....so I guess I'll see if he follows through with that...

corgichick

you guys are probably gunna be dissapointed in me

No one is going to be disappointed in you!!  You just need to make sure your boyfriend understands that he hurt you and that hurting you is not acceptable behavior.

If it continues, you may need to draw a line in the sand.  Do some reading on relationships and try to learn more about where and how to draw that line.  99% of the time good relationships should not hurt.

Love alone does not make a relationship work!!!

Someone on another forum I go on said this

"Sorry to say, boyfriend has a new girl in sight and doesn't want her to see him as "taken". And he's playing you to keep you around in case new girl doesn't work out.

Kick him to the curb.

Yes, I'm old but guys have not changed in 50 years. They never change.

Don't give him so much power in your life. Don't give ANYONE that much power, the power to make you sick. And to avoid school? Nope, that's just going to ruin your life. You're not ugly, you've not done anything to make him act like this, this is HIM being an asshat and not having the guts to be honest.

Put on your dress, make your hair and face extra special and flirt with every cute, unattached guy at homecoming. Do not give him the time of day.

Shakespeare once said "Assume a virtue if you have not" in encouraging someone to behave in way that was foreign to them. If you pretend it long enough, it becomes a virtue eventually.

Assume the face and actions of a woman happy to be single again. Act the part if you must but never let him see you cry. And if you act happy to be single, you'll wake up one morning and realize you ARE happy to be single.

And if that doesn't work, fill his car with packing peanuts and cover his windshield with vaseline."

What? And like 12 other people are agreeing

rwbeagles

Other times they are playing games and keeping the sure thing hanging on, til they need them.

True freaking that. I had a friendship like that for a couple years (met him when I was 14, he was 15). He thought I'd be there no matter what, and so he took advantage of that. He treated me like dog crap on his shoe most of the time, but I lived for the moments when he didn't. He wasn't a bad person, he was just a teenage boy. Finally I was convinced that even if he said differently, he just didn't actually give a crap about me, so I just stopped talking to him. It was so hard, and I missed him so much...for a little while. And then I got over it.

He apparently didn't. Several months later he just randomly called me. No apologies, no anything... But I'm not much of a grudge holder, and from Jared, a phone call like that is as good as an apology. So with zero expectations, assuming he was just lonely and "needed" me, and would soon prove that not talking to him was the right decision, I slowly started talking to him again. And he was different. I don't know if he happened to grow up in those few months, or if he just appreciated me more, but he didn't treat me badly anymore, and he actually sincerely told me that he valued my friendship.

That was over 4 years ago, and he is my best friend in the whole world today. We've had a couple weird times, where he slips slightly back into his old self...but only slightly. I've had to remind myself several times over the years what nasty things he said to me when we were younger, and how he treated me...in order to realize that the more recent fights were almost nothing in comparison.

I guess what I'm trying to say is who someone is when they're a teenager does not necessarily predict who they'll be down the line. Jared was an ass when he was 15, and if I'd had just a touch more self-respect at 14, I probably wouldn't have been friends with him at all. But now at 21, he is definitely & easily one of the best men I know...and I know some good men. I am so glad I stuck through those years to know him now.

Corgichick, I'm not telling you to stay with the boyfriend...like I said, if I was smarter at 14, I most likely would not have been friends with Jared, and that was just friends..not even a boyfriend/girlfriend deal. But as long as you don't let him wear away your self-esteem and self-respect, and just let it play out a bit...I'm not sure I see the harm.

corgichick

And if that doesn't work, fill his car with packing peanuts and cover his windshield with vaseline."

*snickers* That sounds like something I would do.. *coughes*

corgichick

Someone on another forum I go on said this

"Sorry to say, boyfriend has a new girl in sight and doesn't want her to see him as "taken". And he's playing you to keep you around in case new girl doesn't work out.

Kick him to the curb.

Yes, I'm old but guys have not changed in 50 years. They never change.

Don't give him so much power in your life. Don't give ANYONE that much power, the power to make you sick. And to avoid school? Nope, that's just going to ruin your life. You're not ugly, you've not done anything to make him act like this, this is HIM being an asshat and not having the guts to be honest.

Put on your dress, make your hair and face extra special and flirt with every cute, unattached guy at homecoming. Do not give him the time of day.

Shakespeare once said "Assume a virtue if you have not" in encouraging someone to behave in way that was foreign to them. If you pretend it long enough, it becomes a virtue eventually.

Assume the face and actions of a woman happy to be single again. Act the part if you must but never let him see you cry. And if you act happy to be single, you'll wake up one morning and realize you ARE happy to be single.

And if that doesn't work, fill his car with packing peanuts and cover his windshield with vaseline."

What? And like 12 other people are agreeing

That's a very cynical view there and what she suggests is definitely possible.  The excuses he gave are pretty lame IMO.  I'm not saying be suspicious or paranoid, but try to keep your heart objective and your eyes open.  Next time you go to meet him, leave your phone at home.  Ask him innocently if you can borrow his to call your mum.  If you get an excuse or hesitation, then what that poster suggests is more likely.

And whether it is or not, you sound like you two aren't a great match, because if you were I don't think you'd be worrying over little things like phone calls or texts or snippy remarks about going to hug someone else.  Granted, he's being an asshat (good word) but maybe you need to relax a little?    But it's HARD to relax when it's not a good match.... and it will be easier when you find someone who's right for you.  I did NOT like who I turned into when I was with my ex.  I was weak and dependent and I didn't command respect.  I'm with my DH because he makes me a better person.  When I think about him, I feel good.... not anxious.

What did you get from him when you talked, apart from excuses?  Did you get an apology?  Does he know that messing you about like that is not OK and if he has a problem, sheesh SPIT IT OUT, get it sorted and get back to enjoying each other again.... that it's NOT acceptable to keep you hanging like that?   If you trust him and if something good came of this, and you learn and grow from it together, then it's worth a shot.

oranges81

corgichick

And if that doesn't work, fill his car with packing peanuts and cover his windshield with vaseline."

 

 

*snickers* That sounds like something I would do.. *coughes*

Is it bad that I was thinking of offering to add to the peanut fund...

corgichick

I just got off the phone with him...you guys are probably gunna be dissapointed in me but

Not disappointed.  You have to make your own decisions in your own time.  So if you're not at the place where your ready to say you've had enough of his BS then your not.  *IF* he continues to do these things you'll get there eventually. 

I tend to agree w/ Chuffy, the excuses were kinda lame (he can hug girls, but you can't hug your friend?) and this is probably not the RIGHT guy for you.  But bottom line, this is your choice to make.