boyfriend trouble. help!

calliecritturs

Absolutely, what everyone else said (and there are gems in EACH post!!)

Men don't change much even as they age.  A group of girls trying to break you up?  Yep -- happens FOREVER.  Sometimes it's jealous others, sometimes it's work sometimes it's just a persistent "one" person -- but you know what?  If he LISTENS to them -- you can't prevent it.  If he isn't going to make you a priority?  If he's going to listen to the drops of poison that fall from another's mouth (girl, guy, man, woman, etc.) then he IS gonna listen, and you might just as well learn now to do what Gina says and "let go". 

Agreed, as well as agreed with everyone else!! I remember it like it was yesterday, going through that heartache and back and forth with a boy in highschool. I guess it wasn't that long ago, but it feels like its been. I dated this guy for 3 years, almost my entire highschool career then out of nowhere he broke up with me right after our third year anniversary. Then we got back together for a bit, then broke up...I thought my world had ended, but guess what, it didn't. Actually it just started at that point! I learned a very valuable lesson, the likelihood of you being with someone you date in highschool forever, is highly unlikely because everyone needs to go out and experience the world after highschool!  Enjoy these years with your friends, don't worry about boys!! Trust me! Plus, I've seen pictures of you on here, your way too pretty to be hung up on one guy....if you ever need an ear to vent too, I'm always around.

In a way I'm kind of mad I started dating him. He was one of my BEST friends....and all because we started to date and when we break up our friendship will pretty much be ruined. I'm not going to regret anything though...because he made me sooooooooo incredibly happy. Atleast I have all the memories I shared with him....the whole summer we spent together....like the time when he was on vacation for a couple weeks and told me he was going to be gone for a couple more days...and we were talking on the phone and my door bell rings. I put down my phone and answer the door and he was standing there with a huge smile on his face and gave me the biggest hug. And how I was his only girlfriend he told his family about...and how I was the only one he felt comfortable enough to kiss infront of everyone including his family...I miss him already. I dont know how I can handle breaking up with him...

 Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.  You're right, you'll have the good memories. No one take them from you and one day when you think about them, it won't hurt but it will make you smile. *hugs*

I read lots of good advice here Corgichick.  I agree that you should let time go by.  As hard as it seems to you right now as you read this; be the strong girl that we ALL know you are and let time do its thing.

The one thing I feel as I read through these posts is how you must be feeling.  Its happening now, you are feeling bad now. Feeling jilted now.  More the reason to let time heal.  If you guys are meant to be together, time will allow that to happen.  If you aren't, time will hep that too.

I can sympathize with you 100%.  I feel what I feel strongly in the moment.  And, sometimes its hard to have foresight when you are hurt, confused or angry.  But, we know you are more mature than a lot of young ladies your age and can control the emotions.  Take the advice you've read here.  Busy yourself with the dogs or school clubs and activities.  And, when the urge comes to speak to him (and it will), tell yourself...no.  More time needs to pass.  Give yourself a limit.  6 months?  3 months?  1 month?  No one can answer that for you.

What I do know is that the feelings you have are understood by us.  Because we've all been there.

I'm 49 years old and have been married 30 years to my best friend.  I had relationships prior to him (believe it or not) and had been hurt.  Patience my girl...your knight is out there.

 I do know what you are going through. Not too long ago I started seriously dating one of my best friends. We did everything together and were a very active couple - we were on the same rowing team, mountain biked, road biked, went camping, went to the bar, you name it. I couldn't imagine him not in my life because well - he was such a big part of my life. We had all the same friends, worked out at the same gym, and so on. But, it was just not healthy for me to be in that relationship because of how he made me feel about myself. I broke the relationship off he still called to see if I wanted to do this or that. We even still had plans to do this annual 400 mile bike ride. I finally told him to not call anymore and that was it. I did not answer his calls or emails or personal messages. As for the bike ride, I hooked up with some other friends that I knew were going to be doing it and blew the ex off. He was on his own. It was soooooooooo much easier after that.Why draw it out and worry 24/7 over something that is over?

I've moved on and made new friends. I don't regret the time together because it was seriously one of the best times of my life. I don't regret ending the relationship though either because I deserve to be treated well and respected.

So, we are not all giving you this advice not knowing what you are going through. I'm sure that all of us can relate. You have to learn your own lessons through your life experiences. We are just telling you what our experiences have been. And one thing has been the same through all of these posts: Move on, stop taking his calls and text messages. You deserve to be happy. He may have made you happy before but you are not happy now. Time to move on.

I have BEEN where you are and you know what I learned?  It feels real and it feels like love BUT ITS NOT. It's "need". 

You "need" him to soothe you and make you feel good again.... which he will do, in time.  And then he will play some more head games and you will "need" him to reassure you and put things right once more. 

Maybe he doesn't know he is playing head games.  But it is what he is doing and it's wrong and it's unhealthy.  DO NOT STAND FOR IT! 

I did and I wasted five years of my life walking on eggshells, waiting for calls, waiting for texts, worrying about whether to call or text HIM, picking apart everything I said before I said it, picking apart everything HE said or did.... feeling unutterably happy if he did so much as put an arm round me without asking, HATING to ask in case he thought I was being too demanding....  You know taht nervous, worried, unhappy feeling you get when things aren't "smooth" between you?  I was feeling like that MOST of the time.... to the point where it was like that was normal.... that's not healthy.  It's not a healthy expectation to have from a relationship and it's not good for you physically to be under that kind of strain over a long period.

When you "love" someone, you feel good about yourself and you feel good about them the VAST majority of the time.  There are times when they annoy you or upset you, and yes sometimes things people say or do hurt JUST BECAUSE we love them, but when it IS "real", when it IS love.... those "bad" times are infrequent and SHORT and pale into insignificance against the rest of it.

I remember a phone call, early on in that relationship, when I was still "me", when I still had a degree of self confidence and I thought of myself as strong and "straight up, no BS... and I expect the same from others"... before I turned into a slightly paranoid, nervy, un-confident wreck.  I remember saying something like: "Listen, I'm not stupid.  I can tell when something is wrong.  If you want to be with me, then spit it out, because it's starting to get to me.  I don't do "mind games" - I deal straight with you and I expect you to deal straight with me..."  Oh fine words!  Thing is, you can't CHANGE men, not in big ways like that... you're lucky if you can get them to take the rubbish out once in a while without being asked.  I should have save my breath and just ditched him.

rwbeagles

WHY on earth are you walking on eggshells trying not to scare some guy? You need confidence in yourself...that should be your goal...this is what's going to help you so much with your life and any future relationships.

BRAVO!!  Learn to do it now and your life is much easier in the future.  Seriously.  We are not kidding.  This is not like "mom giving lame advice" that doesn't make sense and you want to ignore it.  It's women who have experience to tell you it's the BEST thing you can do for any relationship you ever have.  Be confident in yourself, respect yourself - and you will attract someone who respects you in turn. 

You've gotten absolutely great advice here.  One thing I will say is that, IME, what you described is exactly how men, especially young men, behave when they want out of a relationship.  It really is their way of trying to get you to end things, so they don't have to feel guilty about it.  Then, sometimes, they get lonely after a while and start trying to communicate with you, and then the whole thing starts over again.  But it usually always ends the same way, and you'll end up getting hurt all over again.

Yes, it totally sucks.  And no, you don't deserve to be treated this way.  So my advice to you is to surround yourself with your good friends.  They are absolutely essential in helping you get through this rough time.  Believe me, your good friends will be there for you and will try their best to help make this easier.  And with every day that goes by, it will get a little bit easier.  Trust me, the pain will get better, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

So, lots of hugs, and stay strong girl!!!  You can handle this, we know you can!!

 If I could ever offer other women some good advice, it would be ---- NEVER listen to what a man says.  Listen to what he DOES.  If he ignores you, or shuns you, or doesn't call, he just "isn't that in to you".  If he loves you, he will DO things that let you know you are loved and valued.  Any man who doesn't make you feel that way is not the one to keep.

corgichick

Its too hard. I wanna be with him and I still love him, but I'm sick of always worrying and such. Its going to take me so long to get over him....and if it hurts this bad just thinking about breaking up with him...I cant imagine the pain when its actually over

Kiddo I have raised 5, FIVE count em 5 daughters and half of their Friends...... I am peeking at being an old lady but not there quite yet.  DUMP HIM.   Your last sentence above is the reality....  and as hard as it is for you to grasp just now when the pain is fresh and very real in a month you will be sooo over him.  You will go through some predictable stages, crying CHECK, Worry CHECK Bargaining CHECK listening to sad poor me music ,  not eating or eating everything in sight... wanting to crawl into a hole ....wanting to slash his tires the first time you see him with a new girl friend... Ooops maybe that last one was just me ... ( ;0}  )   honestly poets, song writiers and authors would have to get regular jobs if it was not for Love.   If he is moving on You can not stop him, If he is playing head games your do NOT want to stop him that kind of boyfriend is a major pain in the butt Thank God He isn't a husband that type ends up with a restraining order and Stalker under their name on a police report.  Cherish the good and move on. You are not Quasimodo you do not have a hunch back and hang out in bell towers. You will get over him Honestly. If we died from Broken Hearts Believe me Kid I would not be here today.  Go grab a pint of great ice cream a couple of DVDs and your best friends, Jon and a couple of girl friends.  You will be looking for the next Mr Right before you know it and this guy will be dust ...

Big Hugs from someone who has been there, and helped several dozens others get through it too

Bonita of Bwana

corgichick

Its too hard...I cant imagine the pain when its actually over

This is telling; the reality has little to do with love and a lot to do with fear.

It will HURT.  But it will be a bit like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.  You'll go through a grieving process and then after you will be stronger, wiser, better.... You won't regret it.  You will wonder what you saw in him.  However.... my guess is, if you wait, if you try to hold on.... later, you will regret the time wasted and the heart break that you could have avoided.

You will walk through fire... and you won't get burned

 Ok...errr....I think we all may have jumped to come conclusions... and immediately started with the "Leave him! You're too good for him! stuff..."

 Maybe this guy isn't being a jerk. Maybe something very serious happened in his extraneous life and he's coming to terms with it. Maybe he's legitimately worried about something and is trying to gather up the courage to bring it up. Sometimes, with some people, it takes a while for them to properly formulate what's worrying them. Is it shyness, immaturity? Who knows.

But we don't know this guy, and shouldn't immediately think he's manipulating her or being a grade A loser. Interpretation on the internet can get as carried away as a game of "telephone".

Could be.  In which case, if she matters to him, then "leaving" might be the kick up the bum he needs to spit it out.  Putting up with the head games, regardless of a "reason" is not setting a good precedent.... for either of them.

I was being charitable when I said that he might not even know what he is doing or how bad its making her feel, and it's true that he might not.  However, that doesn't make it ok. It is NOT OK for anyone to make you feel like that.  No matter WHAT the reason. 

Besides which, it sounds like a recurring theme, and it sounds like he has had LOADS of chances to bring it up already.... whatever "it" is.

 Tons and Tons of great advice already.  I just wanted to point out that you may be a bit surprised at your feelings after it ends.  At least half of what you are feeling right now is fear.  That will be gone once things are final.  You may be shocked at just how relieved you are just to not have to worry about it anymore.

Remember too, we are all here for you too.  Take care.

I just want to add my two cents here.  I'm sorry you're going through this, I had a long-term relationship end somewhat the same way, but it dragged on for so long that in the end I think we were both happy just to be out.

I'm probably not that much older than you, but I've been married 3 years.  I met my husband in high school, although at the tail end of it.  When you meet the "right" person -- at least a long-term, "right" for this point in your life type of person even if it isn't a "forever" type of person, the little things don't matter.  What I mean is, you don't worry about whether texting him is a good idea or if calling him is going to make him mad, you don't stay up at night thinking over every word you said to each other to see how you could do it better.... you just do it.  And that's OK, and that's how it should be.  Everything should be comfortable -- even if you don't talk for a little while, you should be comfortable with the knowledge that you're a couple and happy together, not having to worry about whether he really did have wrestling.

My relationship with DH was, and is, totally different from anything I was in previously.  In a great, fantastic way.  We compliment each other in many ways so that helps us along the way, but everything we experience is together.  We had some rocky times since we spent a year several hundred miles apart, but it just made us connect better.  Anyway, this isn't all about me, but I wanted to share my perspective.  Although it will hurt, and little things will make you think of him for a while and that will hurt too, know that there's someone out there who you can be with and totally relax and be comfortable with and one day you can wake up and realize that you can just be with them and there's no worry about being obsessive or agonizing over what to do, or spending days upset at a situation that you don't even fully understand yet.  That security and comfort is worth the wait.  But, sometimes you have to have experiences like this so that you can recognize something good for what it really is and treasure that.

I hope that you at least get some answers and closure, and that you do what is right for you.