I had a very bad night..........very long.....

akyramoto82

  I almost have that feeling of 'I chose the wrong person, I should have seen this'  

Don't do that to yourself, trust me.  I'm fighting that particular urge myself right now.  While my soon-to-be-ex husband is not a drinker he is a compulsive cheater.  We officially ended everything 9/13 b/c I found messages on his phone to woman in TX that were completely inappropriate.  As of this weekend (or maybe earlier) he's seeing a 17 yr old girl who lives in our town.  Everyone I know, who knows him, knew he would do this.  I refused to see it at the time and now I feel like an idiot for not realizing who he is sooner.

Getting down on yourself will not help.  You can't go back in time and change anything.  The only thing you can do is make the best choices for yourself in moving forward.

 (((hugs)))

I have never been in your situation, but I'll try to help. 

Can you sit down with him when he's not drunk or hungover and talk through what happened?  Last night he was likely already drunk when you talked to him which would explain the incredibly stupid decision to drive even after you asked him not to.  Talk to him about how you felt, your concerns about his drinking, and ask him what he's planning to do in the future: will he continue to drink and drive, how is he going to keep himself from getting so drunk again, etc.

If he blows off your concerns then I'd be sorely tempted to give him an ultimatim: "either you change the direction you're headed in now or I'm leaving." He needs to know how serious this is.

My DH's parents were/are both alcoholics.  When DH started drinking socially it did concern me as it's pretty obvious addiction runs in his family.  We talked about it and he told me what his veiws on drinking were (drink not to get buzzed or drunk, but to enjoy a nice beer with friends, won't drive even with one beer in his system, etc.) - he's proven that he's sticking with that plan, so his beer in the fridge no longer worries me and I trust him to continue on this good path.

 Geez hun, that totally sucks!  I'm sorry you had to deal with that but glad he didn't hurt anybody, including himself.  I had a situation like this with my ex when we were first married.  He got a DUI, was on house arrest, broke it, started drinking very heavily, trying to drive, watched another drunk grab my butt, shrugged like he didn't care, so much fun.  I felt like you do now, who is this guy?  this isn't who I married, what do I do?  I'd grown up abused and no way was I going to live like this in a marriage.  When he was sober I told him I was leaving if he ever got drunk again.  Amazingly, he never did.  Not like that anyway.  But I knew and always had prepared in my head, an escape plan.  I made sure I had access to money and a way to make it on my own in case it happened again because I knew in my heart, it would be one strike, you're gone buddy.

It seems like you have 2 choices.  Leave and don't look back or address the problem.  Insist that he get some sort of counseling.  Don't listen to the BS about "I just overdid it, I was just partying, it's not a big deal" etc.  He could easily have killed himself or someone else and that's pretty serious.  If it was me (and it's not) I'd insist on that or I'd leave.  I just couldn't stand by while someone I loved put themselves and others at risk like that.  The fact that he took that risk needs to be addressed.  Otherwise, you can plan your finances, get friends and family lined up who would help and get ready to leave.

Good luck, this stuff is never easy to deal with, you must be drained.  I'm sorry. 

What a tough situation to be put in. Sorry that you're having to deal with this.

I don't have any real advice other than, if you love him & want to make it work, you are going to have to have a serious talk about his drinking. Hopefully, he will be logical, & seek help for his addiction.

Sorry that I can't be of more help. I will send up a prayer that he will listen to reason & get the help that he needs. (((Hugs)))

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  Here are just some things to think about:

When he stopped drinking before, did he use AA?  If so you could ask him to call his sponsor.

Just remember that you can't make him to anything, he has to realize and do things for himself.  You can't control him, only your own reactions.  You might ask him if he knows what triggered his binge last night.

Try not to give him any ulimatums (sp?) since they never work in this type of situation.

Let him know how drinking and driving makes you feel without getting angry at him or blaming him for your feelings.

I hope you can have a great talk with him and, together, you can work this out.

 First of all, you need to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting or two and meet some other people that deal with alcoholics.  Its not as easy as sitting them down and telling them to quit.  Alcoholism is a disease and your best bet is to talk to some people that have dealt with this kind of thing.  You are NOT alone. 

After an alcoholic quits drinking, the only way for them to be ok is to never drink again.  They are not capable of drinking in moderation even though they think they are.  Even that glass of wine at Christmas is one drink too much.  And an alcoholic needs support.  So if at some point you do work it out with him do what you can to get him to go to meetings.  Honestly, because the second downward spiral is worse than the one that made him quit the first time.  One of my best friends sat herself down in front of a transport at the end of her second spiral.  Even though I didn't see it, the image replays itself over and over again in my head everyday.  And Alli was not the kind of alcoholic that needed to drink everyday, but when she had one drink, she couldn't say no to another, and another and so on.  She did stupid things that she never would have done sober.  Drinking and driving, sleeping around, fighting, things that just weren't her. 

Though drinking and driving is a big concern, its only one element of what is wrong here.  When he drinks, he is not the person you love.  Simply put, he's someone else.

Yeah... what she said.

I've been there, too, and it SUCKS. You know how much it sucks. "Common sense" doesn't really apply in the context of addictions - an addict forms actual neurological pathways that support and strengthen the addiction, linking the experience of the drug (alcohol, cocaine, whatever) to the areas of the brain that perceive pleasure.

One thing I've been told - "the first drink is a choice, after that the addiction is calling the shots." While "normal" people might be able to say, "Thanks, but I've had enough" the addict's brain just keeps craving more.

The biggest thing to remember is that this is NOT ABOUT YOU. Not some sort of failure on your part. Not because he doesn't love you enough. It's because of the weird stuff going on in his brain that interacts badly with particular chemicals. So while you can help him, and help support him, and help encourage him to take the steps he needs to take, only he can really be the one to "fix" it. He has to really *want* to change.

If you ever need to vent, or just want to talk, or anything, I'm just an email away - don't hesitate to contact me if you would need/like to. I can be a good listener.

huskymom

 First of all, you need to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting or two and meet some other people that deal with alcoholics.  Its not as easy as sitting them down and telling them to quit.  Alcoholism is a disease and your best bet is to talk to some people that have dealt with this kind of thing.  You are NOT alone. 

This is absolutely true and Al-Anon will help more than you can imagine. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic prior to meeting my husband and it absolutely is a disease that affects everyone, not just the alcoholic. I became so depressed that I couldn't see any way out of the situation yet I knew I couldn't stay in it. It took me a very long time to accept that I couldn't "fix" him.  Without support for yourself, you can begin to feel alone, depressed, crazy, etc. One of the most difficult things to come to terms with is that there's nothing you can do to change them but you can and should take care of yourself. I'm really sorry you're going thru this, but you don't have to do it alone.

 Thank you for all of your replies. This morning was hard. He kept saying he was sorry & had no idea what happened last night. i told him that I knew exactly what happened & sorry wasn't going to fix anything.  I told him that I want him to go back to AA. He kept saying 'this wont happen again'  I have a hard time believing that, and wont believe it until he goes to AA. He sent me an emaill this morning basically admitting that his problem is coming back & he cant drink like a 'normal' person.  He stated that he's going to stop drinking.

 I have been in counseling for the last three years dealing with my own issues so I know very well that I cannot control him, and I'm thankful that I have someon to turn to for advice.  It's now up to him whether or not he's going to change. Hopefully I've made it clear to him that this is not ok, and I'm not going to live like this - its his choice now.

thank you again, everyone has made some great points that I am taking into consideration - its good to know that I'm not alone that others have dealt with this, and even worse & came out ok in the end.

huskymom

After an alcoholic quits drinking, the only way for them to be ok is to never drink again.  They are not capable of drinking in moderation even though they think they are.

Absolutely spot on. The moment I read that he'd quit but was back doing it I was like "uh uh..won't work...ever". You can never, ever drink again, period. If he's not willing to accept that reality I think rock bottom is when he will be...that's when most people make that decision, and nothing really can make them before that happens.

Look out for YOURSELF first...and be caring and concerned but don't let it destroy your self confidence or worth...be supportive but not an enabler ya know? Al-Anon support group...agreed.

One of the most important things for you to accept is this Al-Anon statement:  Can't Cause, Can't Control, Can't Cure.

Go to Al-Anon for you.  You cannot make him go to AA.  He has to hit his own bottom.  Sure, he is remorseful today, but addiction is an ugly, deceitful beast.  He has to really want sobriety.  No amount of pleading, lecturing, bargaining, or giving ultimatums will make him change.

Take care of you.

 I have almost been in this situation.  My DH is a different person when drunk.  Let's just say we've had a few episodes.  In MY situation... I chose to stand by him and trust that he would improve and leave those ways behind.  Fingers crossed, we've had no problems in a long time and I can't see anything untoward happening.  Like I said, fingers crossed. 

If I were in your position I would INSIST he went to some kind of rehab.  He has to understand how out of order he was, how out of control, how not himself.... how scared and upset you were and just HOW much this kind of thing will jeapordise his future... and maybe yours too.

akyramoto82

I told him that I want him to go back to AA. He kept saying 'this wont happen again'  I have a hard time believing that, and wont believe it until he goes to AA.

If he really wants to stop, he will go to AA.  You are right not to believe him.  Addicts are good at even lying to themselves.

Last night he played Russian Roulette with his own life and with the lives of other drivers on the road.  He could be dead or in jail for vehicular manslaughter.

You need an Al-Anon support group!!   If he starts to drag you down, cut him loose.  Trying to get you back might be the "kick in the butt" he needs to get his act together.

My former FIL was an alcoholic and I saw what that did to his whole family - especially his kids (like my ex).  That is not a life you want. 

If love could fix people, this world would be a lot better place.  It just doesn't work that way, so sometimes you just have to cut your loses and find another path in life.

Good luck!

 If I was in your situation I would probably give the ultimatum of stop drinking or I leave.  Alcoholics can *never* just drink socially.  Both of my grandparents on my dad's side were alcoholics for a while and it sounds like it was hell for my dad.  There is no way I would considering dating a person who was an alcoholic if he still drank.