I had a very bad night..........very long.....

 Alex was an alcohlic when I met him. When we started dating I gave him the ultimatum "either stop drinking or I leave"  He quit and has 2 beers with my mom when she comes to town but I'm there to control how much he drinks and he'll stop when I say he's had enough.

It's hard thou when he gets the craving to drink but he admitted he had a problem and he WANTED to stop. 

akyramoto82

He sent me an emaill this morning basically admitting that his problem is coming back & he cant drink like a 'normal' person. 

Please look at this sentence very hard.  His problem is NOT coming back.  It never left and it will never leave.

His control slipped because he thought he could be one of the rare exceptions where an alcoholic becomes just a social drinker.  He needs to embrace the AA rules and not try to be an exception to the rule.

 I just emailed him to let him know that my friend will go to AA with him for support, he replied that he called his sponsor and they're supposed to be meeting this Wed.  I totally agree about the control thing. from what I know you never start with a clean slate again - its always going to be a problem if you choose to drink again.

 That's good that he's gotten in touch with his sponsor. I wish you both luck!

Good luck to you guys. The hardest part on the journey through AA is realizing that you can't do anything. It's all on the drinker. You can tell them they have a problem but it doesn't mean anything until they realize they have a problem. The system is founded on self-realization. And the honor system. If a person walks into an AA meeting and says, "Hi, I'm JQP and it's been 8 hours since I had a drink." the people will say "Hi, JQP" and take JQP at his/her word. That is, a person could go in and lie to an AA meeting and there's no one to stop them but themselves. And I agree too, that alcoholism is life-long, even if a person never has another drink. They have to decide each day, or each hour, not to drink. There's not going to be any such thing as returning to moderation. Moderation sounds great but there's always one more drink. I think people have to view alcoholism as a chronic condition, like diabetes. It is something you (in general) will deal with for the rest of your lfe. Yes, that's a hefty challenge. And people accomplish it day by day.

It used to be that AA said you couldn't hang around the friends that drink, anymore. But that rule is gone because it doesn't matter who you are with or where you are, the temptation is there to drink. But going through the process will make you examine why you get together with your friends. Is it just to drink? I don't fully understand the pathology of drinking but it is there and is, in some ways, a more sinister affliction that diabetes. At least with diabetes, you can control it with meds and diet, i.e., you don't have to stop eating.

I'm going to go a step further because I've lived it.  It's more than just not drinking.  Because unless you get your head straight about what causes you to have an **addictive personality** many people will simply substitute one other addiction for this one

My ex's father was what I'll call a "dry drunk".  He didn't drink, made a huge deal out of being "strong enough" blah blah ... but he had an addictive personality and was as brutal and verbally abusive sober as any drunk is drunk.  He still had all the alcoholic coping mechanisms ... he just didn't drink.

His son, my 'ex' was your typical ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic).  A pathological liar, abusive (the dry drunk personality in many ways) AND ... he just traded addictions.  My ex was bullemic (still is, I'm sure).  Bullemics "binge and purge" -- and most folks think of a bullemic as that woman who will binge on snack foods and then make herself throw up or abuse laxatives to 'purge'.

My ex could spend $2000 - $3000 a month just in snack foods and Pepsi.  (going from McDonalds to Burger King to Wendys one after the other)

Purge?  Yep -- he could clear an entire room into a baggie in 10 minutes flat.  His purge mechanism was to throw out anything that bothered him.  Our marriage license, his military discharge papers, the Deed to our house ... anything that bothered him went into the trash.

An addiction is an addiction.  It's heck on those who love them. 

Someone above said "take care of yourself".  it's the ONLY way.  You may forgive them, they may look like they're getting help ... but the only real way to get any resolution is to put yourself first

calliecritturs

 many people will simply substitute one other addiction for this one

My BF actually became an alcoholic because he used alcohol as a substitute for hard drugs. so it's switching from one thing to another. 

but whats after this? I mean does that mean he's predisposed to substituting something else for alcohol? He just quit smoking, I wonder if that fueled the 'I wanna get trashed' fire.

I'd imagine that yes an addictive person will need to always, always watch themselves and be in control and have avenues open to them like sponsors and counselors...when they are not. It seems to me to be a lifelong management issue...not just now, or 10 years from now...but LIFELONG.

Something for you guys to consider...esp if marriage and family was somewhere in the future.

akyramoto82

but whats after this? I mean does that mean he's predisposed to substituting something else for alcohol?

The way I understand it is that there is *something* that started them drinking in the first place.  Some issue that they need to resolve.  Until that issue is resolved they'll just continue to find things to do rather than deal with the issue.  So like drugs were his escape from the issue, then when he couldn't do that he used alcohol as his escape from the issue.  Until he deals with whatever the heart of the problem is, he's gonna keep finding something else to cover it up with.

akyramoto82

but whats after this? I mean does that mean he's predisposed to substituting something else for alcohol? He just quit smoking, I wonder if that fueled the 'I wanna get trashed' fire.

That's why programs like NA and AA are so important. As Gina said, it's a lifelong management issue. I really can't suggest it strongly enough, but if you're going to remain in this relationship, you need to find an Alanon program for yourself. If you've never been before, you might ask a friend to go with you. If your BF is going to attend AA meetings, you can usually find an Alanon meeting the same night, sometimes in the same general location.

My post is absolutely just an observation and not meant in any way to downgrade the issue at hand but... what was up with his bartender/waiter?  If your boyfriend was that far gone - and I don't doubt he was - he should have been cut off long before he got to that stage.  I understand sometimes it happens but in that case, the bar should have insisted on a cab or other means of getting home rather than him driving himself.

As for what to do now, I think everyone else has given you wonderful advise.  I hope he sees the error of his ways and goes back to AA.  His life could very well depend on it.

 gah. another class! I think my head is going to explode. I dont think i've ever been so far over extended in my life. Between working full time & going my my own class - last week I had class 5 out of 7 days.

akyramoto82

 gah. another class! I think my head is going to explode. I dont think i've ever been so far over extended in my life. Between working full time & going my my own class - last week I had class 5 out of 7 days.

You definitely have to take care of yourself too but attending some meetings will probably ease some of your stress, not add to it. I was in a realllyyyy bad place when I started going and they were truly a lifesaver for me. I will say that they're not all created equal though. I attended some and realized quickly that it wasn't a good fit, and found others that I would've attended nightly if I could've. So, if you end up at one and think "man, this stinks!", don't give up.

 Maybe I can just talk to my conselor about it?

I really can't fit much more into what I'm doing.  I also dont have a car - and all the meetings I've found are in other towns.

akyramoto82

Maybe I can just talk to my conselor about it?

That's definitely a good idea and if you can't get to a meeting, then you just can't and you probably don't need the added stress of trying to fit it in right now. Just keep it in your mind for if/when you need it. It took me a long time (too long) to finally go. I was actually looking thru the phone book for a suicide hotline when I either saw something about Alanon meetings or it popped into my mind. I was really in a bad place, so I was at a meeting that very evening. It was the beginning of regaining control of myself and it only got better from there. My boyfriend was different than yours. He wasn't going to quit drinking again. Since he'd been able to quit for a few months, he was sure he wasn't an alcoholic . So I was trying to figure out how to stay in the relationship and not go crazy. I realized it wasn't possible and ended things several months later. It's been over 10 years and I still get text msgs from him at guess what time? 2-3 AM in the morning. Hmmm...wonder why that is