Xeph needs help... (UPDATE!)

Oh, I hope he will make you happy forever!

Bottom line, though, if you don't show some skin he will get it it eventually from another person........simple, men are simple creatures......if they tell you what they like that would be warning #1, repeating the same is #2, and then you know the rest........I am not trying to be cruel, but, in reality that is just how a guy is kept until you guys get much older and sex is not that important anymore........

sorry, snowrose! i gotta disagree! there's plenty of decent guys out there. plenty of buttheads, too, sure. but still.

for me, i do whatever i am comfortable with, and as everyone else said i can push myself just outside of my comfort zonea bit, but i wont do anything that will make me completely uncomfortable and nervous. i figure, a guy that cant understand that about me and has to go "get it somewhere else", well good. he wasnt worth any effort in the first place!

snownose

.if they tell you what they like that would be warning #1, repeating the same is #2, and then you know the rest.

You know what, tell him this is not the Playboy mansion!!

You are right it's always the ones in their 20s like this.   That's why I married an older man.   

But, before that, I dealt with a guy that I had to change into something I wasn't for and he STILL ended up cheating on me.  So, really Xeph if this is what he's all about you may want to think twice before you go further.   You shouldn't have to be something you are not for him.

What he's asking is ridiculous especially since you just started going out together.  I could deal with it if you had been together for awhile and he wanted to spice things up, but please, a new relationship and you've got to go thru this??? 

I KNOW you like him but I want to be honest too.

Whatever happens, good luck.

janetmichel3009

sorry, snowrose! i gotta disagree! there's plenty of decent guys out there. plenty of buttheads, too, sure. but still.

for me, i do whatever i am comfortable with, and as everyone else said i can push myself just outside of my comfort zonea bit, but i wont do anything that will make me completely uncomfortable and nervous. i figure, a guy that cant understand that about me and has to go "get it somewhere else", well good. he wasnt worth any effort in the first place!

I never said anyone should get totally freaky........be comfortable with what you are doing.......but, most guys like the sexy part of things, and most will get it some other place........another reason why prostitutes are successful.......

While I think it is perfectly fine to step outside one's comfort zone, if it's so stressful that it brings tears, I'm just not sure it's worth it. I also don't think that one should ever feel that they HAVE to do something or their partner will seek other companionship. (which is not, of course, to say that that's what her bf has suggested) Perhaps if it were a matter of a partner who wouldn't hold hands/touch/kiss/speak () that might be one thing, but in regards to bedroom wear..  If you're in a long term relationship, eventually someone is going to be older/saggy/or just unwilling to wear/do certain things and both parties have to be comfortable with that. I tend to hope that relationships are about more than that kind of minute detail.

I'm a tshirt and jeans girl and luckily am in a relationship with someone who is fine with that.  The outfits shown are lovely but I'm pretty sure I'd still not be comfy in any of them. In fact, we're getting married in a few days and I'm still only packing my normal sleep wear. Boxers and tshirts it is.

In the end, one really has to be comfortable with things, and both parties have to be ok with that.

If your guy goes elsewhere for sex because you aren't into garter belts, then frankly you're better off without him. No where has Xeph suggested she's frigid or leaving her partner terribly unhappy.  Let's leave off the scare tactics.

Men don't pay prostitutes for sex. They pay them to *leave.* Bars are for sex.  

grab01

I'm a tshirt and jeans girl and luckily am in a relationship with someone who is fine with that.  The outfits shown are lovely but I'm pretty sure I'd still not be comfy in any of them. In fact, we're getting married in a few days and I'm still only packing my normal sleep wear. Boxers and tshirts it is.

This reminds me of one of the guys who comes to the dog park. Handsome and fit man with a very attractive partner. They recently got married, and on their honeymoon trip to Mexico all of their bags were lost. He was so tickled (and proud) to see her adjust to life without all the makeup and particular clothes. Some men like women who aren't too obsessed!

You know what, tell him this is not the Playboy mansion!!

You are right it's always the ones in their 20s like this.   That's why I married an older man.   

But, before that, I dealt with a guy that I had to change into something I wasn't for and he STILL ended up cheating on me.  So, really Xeph if this is what he's all about you may want to think twice before you go further.  You shouldn't have to be something you are not for him.

Easy guys.  I think I need to reiterate again that this is NOT about HIM, it's about ME.  We've known each other for five years, and thus we understand each other pretty well.  This is not at all about "Do this or I'll leave you."  He wants me to be comfortable, and he's not pushing teddies, and garters, and all these lacy things on me right away...but he would like them eventually.  He told me even if I never get there that's ok, because he knows it goes against my nature...but I want to.  Right now I just can't, and it does bother me that I truly may never be able to.

He already thinks I'm beautiful...I just think he wants me to see it too.

We're only four months apart in age, and we're very different and very similar personality wise.

I don't own any particularly tight clothing save maybe a couple fitted T's, I own all of four skirts and three of them are floor length..one is knee length.  He wants to see me in miniskirts...I hate them, but I agreed to wear them for him in the privacy of the house because I like to please him, and he's fine with that.  We make compromises on clothing like that all the time.

He's not some jerk that says "Do it or I'll leave you".  This is all about easing into it and trying something new...I just haven't learned how to do it without freaking out.  When you hide your body from the world for 17 years and then somebody asks you to show it because they think you're attractive, you can't help but wonder if it's some cruel joke that they're waiting to spring on you...it's a big change.

To go from baggy sweatshirts and size 24 jeans to a medium-large t-shirt from Aeropostale and a size 10 dress was a big enough deal for me.  So to be going from that stuff to teddies and garter belts and g-strings and lace...it's terrifying...but I have to do this eventually, for me more than for him.
 

willowchow

snownose

.if they tell you what they like that would be warning #1, repeating the same is #2, and then you know the rest.

You know what, tell him this is not the Playboy mansion!!

You are right it's always the ones in their 20s like this.   That's why I married an older man.   

But, before that, I dealt with a guy that I had to change into something I wasn't for and he STILL ended up cheating on me.  So, really Xeph if this is what he's all about you may want to think twice before you go further.   You shouldn't have to be something you are not for him.

What he's asking is ridiculous especially since you just started going out together.  I could deal with it if you had been together for awhile and he wanted to spice things up, but please, a new relationship and you've got to go thru this??? 

I KNOW you like him but I want to be honest too.

Whatever happens, good luck.

 

That's kind of what I was thinking, too. Except my BF is great about this sort of stuff and he's in his 20s, so it's not *just* older men.

I am a perfectionist and extremely self-conscious, so I tend to get really uncomfortable during "intimate activities." Maybe I haven't shaved that day and I feel hideous and hairy, or I think I smell funny, or I have a big pimple on my face and feel disgusting, or, or, or... BF has said time and time again that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am, that he never notices that sort of stuff, and that he'd far rather be spending time with less-than-perfect me than only spending time with me when I'm perfect. Know what I mean? And don't forget, self-confidence is sexy.

A major part of a successful relationship is trust, and trust takes a long time to build. IMO, it's perfectly okay for you to say, "I'm not comfortable with doing that yet. Why don't we [mutually enjoyable comparable activity], and work up to [what he wants that makes you uncomfortable]?"

What you do and don't feel comfortable with isn't a character flaw, it's just the way you are. Don't freak out about it. I don't feel comfortable wildly groping my partner in a crowded public place and my BF is quite happy that way, but I know some people who wouldn't date someone who wouldn't. Whatever floats your boat. Your guy wanting you to dress a certain way is not unreasonable, but neither is you not feeling comfortable doing so, especially so soon into the relationship.

If you find that this fellow isn't respecting your boundaries in this area, you should be careful. You deserve respect. And for him to make repeated requests only a few days into a new relationship, after you've let him know that they make you uncomfortable, is IMO not very nice.

Maybe you just need to be a little clearer about your feelings? Maybe he just doesn't understand how you feel right now?

I hope things get worked out for you! 

frankly, i think you are expecting too much and are pushing yourself too hard. in a way you are just "traumatizing" yourself!

i myself never really had issues with these things.. i know there are parts of my body that really arent pretty at ALL. but heck, it's part of me, and i dont mind showing it! i figure if he doesnt find me attractive the way i am now, what the hell is he gonna do, if things happen to work out and i am in my 40s? (and i still refuse to acknowledge that i will get any older than that! lol)

but: in a conversation with the bf, he told me one of the things he finds sexy in bed. now, that was only a few weeks into our relationship and now 1.5 years ago, and i still havent done it. i will. i am not uncomfortable dressing that way. but i just havent had a chance to find the outfit...

my point is you KNOW you cant pull this off just yet... from the sound of it, you are just getting used to being comfortable with your body and dressing in more accentuating things on a daily basis... just give it time! dont beat yourself up over it. in fact, just take a deep breath, and accept the fact that you may never be comfortable doing what he asked. he already told you that's ok. so dont worry about it! do what you are comfortable with, and who knows, maybe one day you will find what he asked of you really isnt that big a deal.... and if not? well, so what!

to me, the stuff in the bedroom is important! but not important enough to define my relationship! and i wont do what i am not comfortable with. period! it's not negotiable! i will try to GET more comfortable with, but pushing myself too hard, usually just has the opposite effect!

seriously, you are just starting out with this guy! this should be a fun time for the both of you! dont make things too hard on yourself! just enjoy!

snownose

...in reality that is just how a guy is kept until you guys get much older and sex is not that important anymore........

Ha! And when does that happen exactly? I'm 49 and my hubby is 48. And just as much of a thigh highs and garter belt guy as ever, lol!

Cassidys Mom

And when does that happen exactly? I'm 49 and my hubby is 48. And just as much of a thigh highs and garter belt guy as ever, lol!

Well, I haven't gotten to that part yet, but I do have some older friends and they have told me some stories......lol

I am glad to hear that you have a positive example.....lol

Thankfully, my guy is a "nakie is best" kinda guy, 'cause I look awful in almost all revealing stuff.  But, I have pretty things I wear too - I'm the opposite of most girls, I think, I have a delusional self-image - I'm always surprised when I put something on and the mirror tells me I look ridiculous!  Hubby doesn't care though.  Well, I went over the edge on our anniversary trip - I told him I had a surprise for him for like, three days before hand, but I hadn't tried the thing on!  As someone mentioned, those things are sized way smaller than normal undies!  I came out of the bathroom just cracking up and I didn't mind that he started snickering, too.  We had a good laugh about it, for sure.

I'm quite open with my husband about our physical relationship - ie, talking about what makes him happy and fulfilling his needs, and he's given me a lot of insight as to what's important to guys.  I believe firmly that most guys don't care about a little pudge, bulgy tummies, saggy chests - as long as you seem to be trying for his benefit.  Patrick loves that I'm losing weight, but he doesn't care that the process isn't turning me into a supermodel overnight, nor will it ever turn me into one.  So, we were able to have a really good giggle about my lingerie boo-boo that night.  Since we've been married fifteen years (and together twenty), and are almost forty, and no signs of anything diminishing (if anything improving) I guess that sort of compromise, works for us.

 Xeph, it sounds like YOU are the one who wants to be more sexy for your BF! I think that is great but I can appreciate the difficulty you are having. You probably haven't felt real 'sexy' for a while and it simply feels uncomfortable, foreign and even a bit fake. I was never much of a makeup wearer but when the occasion would arise I would stand in front of the mirror and  put on the powder, mascara, blush, eye shadow. I could handle the look until it came to the lipstick LOL! Something about me wearing lipstick was soooooo not me. I didn't look like myself and I didn't feel like myself. I would look at my friends with make up and they looked great. Naturally beautiful. I would look at women in makeup ads and wished I could look as good. But to me I always looked 'made up", not real, not genuine.

So maybe you are the same with your sexy clothes. You have a mental image of what you look like and it is hard to accept that improving that image or 'sexying' up is being honest. I don't think it is a physical discomfort (although sexy clothes can be) as much as an emotional discomfort. Just putting a sexy outfit on does not make you feel sexy. That comes from within.

Now that you are with this great guy, I'm sure you are starting to feel sexy! But I bet it feels a bit weird? Believe me, it will feel more natural as time goes on. Don't push it. Start small and build. Go and get a make over!!!! Spend some serious money and get a really good hair style and colour. Get your makeup done, a manicure (Gel nails!!!), peticure, a facial. Pamper yourself. Indulge yourself. If you want to feel special then you have to treat yourself special. Then go out and try on something you think is sexy. Remember sexy doesn't mean 'slutty'. Maybe a better word would be romantic - soft, flowing.

It sounds like you have a great guy that really likes you. He makes you feel special and attractive and you want to now look as attractive and special as he makes you feel.  I say a day at the spa or maybe a romantic weekend at a spa resort for two?

Dog_ma

(I've found that dressing myself up, underneath whatever I'm wearing, helps me feel more confident.)

Woah yes!  I call this the "Red Panties Effect"

I wish you luck and confidence and I hope you enjoy your journey of self discovery!