How do you reward/punish your kid(s)?

Aina

I think a bribe is when a child is whining and you give them what they want to shut them up.  The idea that you shouldn't reward your children when they do something for you is odd.  We are all "bribed" when we get older and have a job.  How many of you would do your job if you weren't getting paid for it? See, a "bribe" works wonders for adults too.

Aina, that situation technically falls under the already defined terms of reinforcers, and we don't really need the word bribe to define it. The kid is probably being positively reinforced, in that he is getting something, and he will probably whine more in the future. For the parent, it's negative reinforcement most likely, since something is being stopped or removed (the whining) and the parent is more likely to give the kid what he wants in the future to make him shut up.

rwbeagles

BTW bribe has such a negative connotation with people, why is that? Maybe it's not the right word for us here at my house...

I am going to call it "payment, for a job well done"...lol.

It does have negative connotations, which was why I clarified that it's not always a bad thing.  I'm happy to have it in my "toolbox" too, but I wouldn't want to be reliant on it for everything, or for the kid to catch on and for me to have to keep upping the ante to get them to do as I asked... and for them to frequently refuse and hold out for a "better offer".

I also think there's a major difference in a treat the kid gets after a job well done that he didn't know was coming, and the one you had to hold out like a carrot to get him to do the simplest of tasks....

Elias just today, poked a hole in a grape soda (in the pantry) with a screwdriver...LOL. He was off to his room screaming....didn't touch him, or say anything other than "leave the kitchen, so I can clean this up" in a normal tone of voice (he's a defensive screamer....if he knows something bad is up and he might be in trouble he cries/screams preemptively LOL).

It's my bad...I should have been paying attention. He could have hurt himself...mental kick for that...

I did speak to him to let him know what he SHOULD do when he finds something like a tool or adult use only thing. Tell me or his daddy...or even his sister so we can put it away...not to pick it up himself.

Budding engineer or auto mechanic or something...*sigh*

Aina

My parents used various methods including money to reward us, but I think the biggest reward was trust.

I think this is a great point!   That was my biggest reward as a kid too.  I think kids should be taught the value of "life rewards" - like trust, and getting along. 

As far as rewards go, NEVER under estimate the power of THANK YOU.  Everyone wants to be liked and appreciated, up to and including kids. I GO to work to get "paid" but I go the extra mile for a thank you.  I've known kids throw a bucket of water over their dads car for £5, but they'll make it GLEAM if they think it'll make Dad proud.

Aina

 I see parents who give their kids a lot of rules and they are like 17 years old.  They don't trust their kids.  The kids know it, so they feel it is their obligation to prove their parents right and be untrustworthy.

Bingo! 

Chuffy

As far as rewards go, NEVER under estimate the power of THANK YOU. 

Chuffy, too right.

My kiddos say thank you themselves because they're always thanked for what they do...throwing something out for me...bringing somethig I need to the kitchen when I am cooking...staying quiet for a phonecall...not throwing a fit when I know they want to, etc.

It's one of those things we try to model for them. Dh and I always say please and thank you to one another. It's as a result very seldom that they have to be prompted to say it themselves. Elias won't say it to people he doesn't know well because...well he doesn't say ANYTHING to people he doesn't know well LOL.

Samantha says thank you,your welcome,excuse me,sorry. We are still working on please. For some odd reason she just cant remember to say please. Errr. 

kle1986

Samantha says thank you,your welcome,excuse me,sorry. We are still working on please. For some odd reason she just cant remember to say please. Errr. 

Don't be too hard on yourself.  I had to teach DH these basics when we first met.  My MIL never taught them that...although she did teach him to put the seat down...guess you can't win them all!

Hehe..time for another True Story From Gina's House 

Elias: can I have some of your soda?

Me: I don't know, you didn't ask the right way..

Elias *thoughtful for a sec*: Can I have some of your soda, NOW?

Me *cracking up, so bad I know*: Umm no...you're supposed to say please!

Elias: Oh. *silence*

Elias: Can I have some soda?

*headwall*

LOL, gina!!!!

rwbeagles

Chuffy

As far as rewards go, NEVER under estimate the power of THANK YOU. 

 

Chuffy, too right.

My kiddos say thank you themselves because they're always thanked for what they do...throwing something out for me...bringing somethig I need to the kitchen when I am cooking...staying quiet for a phonecall...not throwing a fit when I know they want to, etc.

Yes, exactly.  Parents lead more by example than ANYTHING ELSE.  Kids are learning from their parents even when mum and dad don't think they are teaching them anything.... and those are the lessons that stick, I think.

 For the most part this thread has been right on for me.  One thing I have to argue with is when someone, I believe it was Chuffy, said that toddlers don't have the ability to be naughty.  Holy Hannah!  I can assure you they do.  Unless at 18 months Kali is not a toddler anymore, I tend to think she still is.  She does things to deliberately test her boundries.  Things she knows I don't like her doing, like throwing her bowl of cereal on the floor in favour of a cookie, or changing the channel on the tv(which only screws up the tv as you have to change the channel with the digital cable box), or writing on the walls(this is new).  She also has a fiery temper and will throw herself on the floor and scream if she's not getting her way when she's tired. 

When I'm especially fed up with her, she's been marched off to her bed and left there to scream to her hearts delight.  When she calms down I go back, not before. 

On one occassion, and the only time this has happened by the way, she threw herself on the floor at Walmart because she wasn't getting her way.  I looked at her, said,"Fine then, cry."  and walked away.  Sounds terrible, but its a small walmart and I know almost everyone that works there and probably 90% of the shoppers on any given day.  It only took a few seconds before she decided that maybe laying on the floor wasn't the best way to get what she wanted. 

For the most part, her less desirable behaviours get her nothing.  No reaction.  I ignore anything that doesn't directly effect me or someone else and doesn't pose a safety hazard to her.  It works 90% of the time.  If she's too tired for that to work, its usually bedtime and my bad for missing the other signs.

Rewards?  Those are the best times.  I make no pretense about the fact that I'm pleased with her.  I clap my hands and sing songs and cuddle with her.  She's really a pretty good kid.  Her latest thing is putting clothes in the hamper and helping with laundry, which is great cause the boys are slobs.  But anything will get a reaction out of me if its a good thing.  Putting her face in the water in the tub gets raucous applause, lol.  

Kale is the same but on a more grown up level.  He does have a few more punishments now, like lines and equal time taken from bedtime.  Like, he's supposed to be home from school by 3:30 or he goes to bed the same amount of time earlier then what he was late.  So if he gets home at 3:40 he goes to bed 10 minutes early.  He can also do extra stuff for extra minutes on his DS.  or tv time etc.  He's a good kid too though.

Oh except he forgets to put the toilet seat up and pees on the seat almost every morning...any ideas?  Lines don't work.

What are lines? 

my son still pees sitting down...so we don't have the same problem LOL.

huskymom

One thing I have to argue with is when someone, I believe it was Chuffy, said that toddlers don't have the ability to be naughty.  Holy Hannah!  I can assure you they do. 

Number one - it might depend on our definitions of "naughty" - mine may well be different to yours!

And two - I was specifically talking about kids Wills age (he is only 14 months).  I reserve judgement on older toddlers because I havent got there yet

huskymom

She also has a fiery temper and will throw herself on the floor and scream if she's not getting her way when she's tired. 

"tired".  That's key for me.  I see a LOT of kids labelled "naughty" or "difficult" when what *I* see is a person little more than a baby in many ways.  Usually, at those "difficult" times, the child is hungry, thirsty, tired or needs to have their nappy changed.  A crying baby is not being "naughty" - he is just expressing his discomfort until his needs are met.  I see the same in a lot of toddlers; their bodies have grown up quite a lot but their ability to express themselves and control themeselves isn't quite "there" yet.  Added to this is their frustration because they WANT to be able to do such and such and they WANT to get you to understand them and frequently just feel thwarted.

That's what I mean tby "incapable of baing naughty"   I can see now I should have been clearer  

"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young..."

huskymom

Oh except he forgets to put the toilet seat up and pees on the seat almost every morning...any ideas?  Lines don't work.

You could have him clean the toilet.  My aunt started doing that after my cousin would repeatedly miss the toilet (he could make it in, just didn't care enough to do it).  He had to clean the toilet and the area around it.