Domestic abuse (LovinMyLife)

I would recommend seeking out some kind of help.

I don't know if you would consider speaking with a therapist, or seeking out some sort of support group, but if you have tried to leave him in the past, support and encouragement is probably what you need, and I think that being able to talk it out with a professional, or with others who have been through this, might be a good thing.

Though it is not (technically) physical abuse, emotional and/or sexual abuse is equally as hurtful. Its serious stuff.

Im sorry that you are experiencing this. No one deserves that. If you ever need to talk to someone, please feel free to PM me, or get me on aim. I am more than happy to listen.

Wow.  I'm sorry you're in such a miserable and scary situation. If you don't have family close by, do you have a friend you could go and stay with for awhile?  And please ... get some good legal advice.  A lot of lawyers will give a free consultation. See it there's a Legal Aid office in your city.   If there's a college or university nearby, they often have womens groups that have good information. He most likely wants you to  think you can't manage without him, but I'm guessing you're a lot stronger than you think you are.

Joyce

Yeah I know I need to do that... it's just hard with the 2 kids, I don't have a babysitter and he moved me 250 miles away from all my friends and family. I am looking into it right now online though! The last time I told him that I wanted to separate he told me that he would kill himself if I did. I told him that if he is thinking that way that I was going to call a sucide hotline or something and he told me that it would be hard to call anyone with 10 broken fingers! So... it is REALLY hard to leave... but I've made up my mind that I am going to one way or another!

fuzzy_dogs_mom

 He most likely wants you to  think you can't manage without him

He has told me before that I can't support myself and the kids and that my life would be horrible if I left. You hit the nail on the head!

I just wanted to lend you my support and just a small tidbit of advice from experience. It helps tremendously to have an outside party, someone not a friend or family member (though the support of such people is so important) listen to you and to help you put things in perspective and to perhaps validate things that you'd only suspected before. Emotional and sexual abuse is just as real as physical abuse, and just as damaging, and it is just as important to get help in dealing with the situation. And please thank your friend who pointed this out to you. All too often even our closest friends look the other way--and once you yourself realize what is going on, that really hurts, to know that people who love you didn't say anything.

Abusive people are very manipulative. That's why it's so important to run things by a third party, one who hasn't had a chance to be manipulated by the abuser.  

From this statement: "he told me that it would be hard to call anyone with 10 broken fingers", I would say without a doubt you need to do something, and sooner rather than later. Could you call or otherwise contact your family and reach out for support? From what you've said he's put you in a bad situation, and he knows he has the upper hand. Don't let him intimidate you, and get someone to help you with this.

I don't really know what sort of things to do, as I have never been in this sort of situation. Though I was once in an emotional abusive relationship, I was mostly the abuser, and I realize now that it's much better to be out of that environment. I have since changed, but it seems your husband has had several chances with no signs of true change. I hope some others will have more helpful advice.

A lot of behaviour is passed off as being "the way someone is", but is in fact domestic abuse.  Even if you discount everything else, the moment your husband/partner threatens to break your fingers, you ARE IN an abusive relationship.

Please, please, get out before it becomes physical.  If you can't return to your family or friends, there are shelters for women who are experiencing domestic abuse.  Even if you just pick up the phone and call an abuse hotline, that will be a step in the right direction.   

We all know you here, and care about you.  We've watched your beautiful daughter spend her first year doing amazing things.  If I lived in the US I wouldn't hesitate to offer you a place to stay.  

Be safe.  I'm a PM away if you need someone to talk to.   

He moved you away from your family?  They must be worried sick.  I know I would be if I were in their position.  Why not pack up the kids and leave?... and don't give him the chance to harm you. One day when he goes to work, you pack up the kids leave a note you're going to be gone for a few days.  I'm sure your family (and/or friends!) would be more than willing to step up to the plate to help if you allowed them to. 

At the very least a battered womans shelter.  They have fosters that will take in pup while you get help (there are probably people here who know about this).  He has threatened you... you need to take your kids and get out of there.  There really are so many options for you, even though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way.  **HUGS** You will be fine without him, in spite of what he says.  In fact you maybe happy and not live in the fear of angering him or him hurting or demeaning you. 

Please consider getting help and getting out of there.

I really, really wish you all my best and will have you in my thoughts and prayers. 
 

Well, the friend that told me that I should be treated better told me that if I need somewhere to go, I could stay at his house. He lives alone and has 3 extra bedrooms. He lives about 30 miles away but we see each other alot. The only problem is if I did that DH would make my life miserable accusing me of sleeping with the friend etc. He told me that if he ever suspected me of sleeping with the friend he would kill us both. Now, I have no desire to do anything like that... the guy is older than my parents and lets just say not my type LOL

ETA: The only reason I can't go to my family is because they literally have no where to put me and the kids. My parents live in a 2 bedroom house with my 2 younger brothers so space is limited.

Forgive me, it's 3 am where I am and I'm not clearheaded.

I am actually on a foster list for dogs belonging to women in this very situation.  I haven't had to foster one yet, but the organisation can call me anytime and ask me to take a dog on a day's notice.  If you want me to investigate similar orgs. in the US, I am more than willing to call the foster coordinator and ask her if she has any info. 

I grew up with a father who was very verbally abusive...never touched us but was so incredibly hateful and degrading all the time...he is an alcoholic and he was like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde....he would be tolerable during the day growing up but turned into a complete hypocritical a**hole at night.  I say he was tolerable b/c anything was better than what he was at night but I pretty much hated him all the time so it was always a matter of me just tolerating him.  He treated everyone in the house this way including my mom.  I have no idea if your husband treats your kids in an emotionally abusive way yet, but I can tell you that if you don't get away for yourself, do it for your kids.  I will tell you that I have a wonderful relationship with my father now, for the most part, but I don't go around him after 5....plus, we had such a horrible relationship when I was growing up and have a good one now and he is afraid of destroying that so he very very rarely now treats me that way, and when he does, I leave.  I was the strong willed one in my family and I always stood up to my father growing up b/c I could take it and not let it bother me...it was like I was protecting my mother and brother.  Now though, things happen sometimes, and all of a sudden all of this baggage I have come to the surface for me and it is really upsetting and disturbing.  I can look back on things I have done and decisions that weren't the best, but they all stem back to me seeking the acceptance of a man as well as other things that relate to the terribly dysfunctional relationship we had growing up.  Too, even though I "seem" like a really confident person now, I grew up having terrible self esteem and there are times that comes out in me....both my mom and brother still have terrible self esteem. 

 I am only telling you all of this b/c I want you to realize that if this is really how he is, you will not always be his only victim.  Of course they should have their father in their life if possible, but that doesn't mean they have to grow up in a household where everyday they are learning it is OK for someone to treat them that way as well as having their self esteem ruined quite possibly for the rest of their lives.

I would also suggest that you start with getting some emotional help, whether it be from a therapist, a local support group for domestic abuse or something else similiar.  I know that at one point I ended up in weekly therapy as well as attending Al-Anon which is a free support group for family members of alcoholics. 

If you ever need to talk I am just a PM away.  I hope you are able to get the help and support you need for both you and your children.  Be brave and be strong.  Around here there are even safe houses where you can go with your children when you suffer from domestic abuse.  And please, don't be embarrassed....he is the one who should be embarrassed.  We are here for you.     

Kate, thank you so much for the offer! That is so sweet of you! My friend (same guy I keep mentioning) told me that he would look after the puppers if I need him to. He has 2 dogs of his own and he understands the human/doggie relationship so he would never let me give them up! (Not that I ever would...)

I wish I could just pack up and move in with my friend, but I am so scared of DHs reaction, ESPECIALLY if I move in with a man. He told me he would take the kids if I left. His mom (my MIL) is crazier than a $hit house rat and told him that she would retire to take care of the kids if I left!

houndlove

And please thank your friend who pointed this out to you. All too often even our closest friends look the other way--and once you yourself realize what is going on, that really hurts, to know that people who love you didn't say anything.

I wanted to second this.

I went through a spell with my husband, who acted much like my father b/c he had a drug problem.  There is only ONE person who ever said anything to me about their suspicion of my husband's drug abuse....I blew it off at first but when I realized what was really going on, I realized she was a true friend....no one else felt close enough to me to tell me what they were seeing even though it was really obvious.  That is a whole other story that also stems into the relationship with my father but your friend obviously really cares about you.  Your husband will hate them...and may forever, unless he is ever able to admit himself that he has a problem.

Sarah, the part about my kids is what really bothers me! My friend pointed it out to me and he said "what is he teaching those girls? That it is ok to be treated like this by a man?" That really struck a nerve with me and I realize that he is right! And DH has started saying things to my oldest (3 years old) that upset me. Like last weekend he was watching football and DD was playing and stepped in front of the tv. He told her to "get the f**k out of the way and shup up". So I can see it starting with her and I can't let him do that to her!