There are an unbelievable number of us on here who have "been there done that SURVIVED IT" -- my ex wasn't physically abusive (as in violent) -- but he was all the rest. His thing was sympathy -- threatening suicide, belittling me, telling me it was all my fault, etc.
There's a fine line between thinking it thru and being safe.
1. Given the history of threats, *do not* go to this male friend. Let him take the dogs (and with particular care that the ex may try to hurt the dog to hurt you so tell this guy to expect it and be careful). Going to a male will make the bad situation worse and it will weaken your position greatly.
2. Report the threat of physical harm and the sexual stuff to the cops. Make sure you write down who you speak to, what time, etc. In fact, start a notebook and keep it with you AT ALL TIMES.
3. A shelter is definitely the place for you with all the threat of physical violence and his aggravated behavior around the kids. They can and will keep you safe and that's important.
4. TUESDAY (Monday is a holiday), get a post office box in your name only. If you have anything in your name -- any kind of loan, any bill, anything at all, have it go to that P.O. Box. But even if you don't have any, a PO box is your best friend. You can get money there, you don't have to reveal it to a soul -- but it gives you an anchor that he can't get to.
5. If at all possible take some money and open your own bank account. Ir can be at your normal bank -- just in YOUR name and tell them to flag it because you are in a domestic crisis. But no one but you can withdraw money, and no changes can be made without a password.
6. If you have a car, make sure you change the address for payments to the PO box -- scorned men get nasty. They'll steal bills and notices so that payments are late.
7. Think twice before you leave -- even if you have to borrow $200, go and get a consult with an attorney. You don't have to pay for an entire divorce -- just sit down for 1/2 hr (call and tell them you want to buy half an hour of their time -- that you are in a domestic violence situation and you want to leave but leave safe and smart).
They will tell you how to go about this. They will tell you what laws in your state YOU must satisfy and what is illegal that you don't have to put up with from your husband. They will tell you what NOT to do and what TO do in order to protect yourself.
Don't try to go in on a free consult -- pay but just ask for like 1/2 hr. You'll get far more than your money's worth. Only use legal aid if you have absolutely NO One to borrow money from (and if that's the case, PM me and we'll talk -- I'd bail you out in a heartbeat cos I've BEEN there). Legal aid is fine in some situations, but if your husband is working and you aren't already on welfare then go with a paid attorney at least to start. Then, if you have to use legal aid once you get into a shelter fine -- but get the basics of what you need to do and what TO and NOT TO do first.
In most states you can work towards getting your own divorce. You can at least begin it.
8. Don't telegraph to your husband that you're doing this. Lie like a rug if you need to -- but let everything be fine and dandy. Be smart. Think ahead.
9. After you get away from him DO NOT TALK TO HIM. You have a history of leaving and then caving in -- That's the cycle you have to breakA lot of states/counties have packets at the Clerk of the Court -- it will give you the forms and info you need.
10. Someone said it above -- don't cross state lines.
11. Give your family and your friend contact information. But also take the numbers of a few online friends -- people who won't mind if you call them collect (I'm volunteering).
Friends can sometimes go missing in circumstances like this. Many of them may fear your husband. But this is where internet friends can be REALLY handy -- husband doesn't know us and can't touch us. But you can get a TON of support this way.
But mostly let people know where you are. Let folks keep track of you so that if you go missing they'll find you. It's worth gold in your situation.
Take care hon -- email me ANY time. Callie (check your PMs)
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