It may be over (Bullymom)

Liv

I agree with Huskymom. It's always a good feeling to know you aren't the only one having a tough time with your child, and who knows maybe they even have some helpful ideas that might help her.

The only thing that I find weird is, why is it only your job to parent your daughter? Parenting is not a one way street when your together with someone. Could she be possibly acting out because your DH new work change? I think he should be on board with her as well as much as he can. I don't think its fair to put it all on you.
 

THANK YOU!!

i have wondered this before as well, in your situation Bullymom, and in mine.

the other day i went outside to walk Amber.... Allen handed me the phone - i was already on the OTHER phone talking to my cousin - was babysitting her kids that day - my other cousin called at that moment wanting to discuss plans we had made.. Allen thought it would be cute to have me on BOTH phones.. haha still laughing...

anyway i was distracted, finally got off one phone, still on the other, went outside for a few seconds while on the phone.. come back in, sit down, go check on laundry, hear Kaydee outside barking her "Who's That?" bark... look out the window and see this.... kid.... out by the road.. who's kid is that?   ..um.. MINE!!!! my oldest had apparently followed me outside and i didnt see him.. Where was my husband? watching cartoons with the other kids in the livingroom  

NORMALLY he's great about paying attention to the kids and keeping an eye on them if i'm busy or not around... but for some reason, lately... its MY fault, MY  responsibilities.. of course other people(moms) i go out with seem to think they can totally shirk their parenting responsibilities when i'm around because they know i'm always watching the kids.. # 1 reason i dont like going anywhere anymore. After the incident he was indeed upset about it but didnt think he was responsible in the slightest... i should have latched the screen door.. he should have been paying attention etc.. finally i just blew up in his face and yelled as loud as i could that we were both at fault, our kid could have died, and the damned dog was the only one paying attention! i think i got through to him.... and we're building a fence around the front yard now.

as for how to talk to your husband... Allen has an interesting way of communicating when i get "bitchy" ... when i'm all out royally POed i dont talk. i dont yell.. i dont do anything.. i just clam up and shut down and ignore him.. he isnt used to that. all the women in the past would yell, scream, divorce him, or cheat on him.. He gets around my brick wall by writing a letter... leaves it on my desk or beside me on the sofa for me to read when i feel like it. he says what ever he needs to say, lists the upsets etc... it really helps us out. gives me a chance to hear his side of the situation - even though i dont wanna - i liked the idea of it and will sometimes do the same if i cant get the words out. when i'm mad i have a hard time thinking straight, forget talking rationally lol

i hope things get better for you. i think you should both go to counseling. i also think maybe you need a break from being a stay at home mom. maybe you should hire a baby sitter and go to a part time job for a few hours each day? my cousin - the one i babysit for now - did that. she was going mad in her house with her two boys - hellions - marriage was falling apart, she had an online boyfriend.. things were looking bleak.. seems to be better now!

Letters are GREAT.  I do that with David.  I tend to take a long time to compose them -- so I can weed out emotional over-reactions, and say exactly what I want to say ...

BUT for the other person, they don't have to 'react' to my face.  They can read it.  Put it down. Digest it ... but they know I took the time to write it, but they don't have to react with me in his face.  It defuses a LOT of stuff - but it works!!

DumDog

but for some reason, lately... its MY fault, MY  responsibilities..

That's how EVERYTHING is with Justin.  He can catch a cold and some how, it's MY fault, (I keep the heat too low)  WTF?  I am trying to run the house, care for a 4 year old, keep all the animals and chores in order.  Don't I deserve a little more credit than he gives me?

DumDog

maybe you should hire a baby sitter and go to a part time job for a few hours each day?

I have tried that before.  Madison was in daycare and I had a part time job.  I didn't even make enough money to cover the cost of daycare.  It seems like it's a waste of time to go to work and make enough money just to pay a daycare.  That's just my opinion.  About his new work promotion, he is basically assistant manager.  He goes where his boss tells him and he mainly just hangs out all day with other employees and gets paid $150 a day to do so.  Hell, I could do that!  He thinks me life is just so easy.  My daughter is a brat at times and I don't like to spank her for everything she does wrong but is that a good reason for divorce?  He is just going to have to be willing to work with me and not against me.

Hang on a second, he is making out like its all your fault and your responsibility, but he wont let you shoulder that responsibility as you see fit - he tells you how to do your "job"?  He's wrong on both counts.  And HE'S the one telling YOU he wants  YOU to "change" or he wants a divorce????

I hope you can resolve this.  In fact, I am sure you can.  I just think you are right that you do deserve a little more credit!  Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have achieved.

DH is terrible at laying parenthood responsibilty solely at my door when he feels like it.  It annoys the heck out of me at times, but thankfully he doesn't do it a lot.  And to be honest, if it really came down to it, if the worst happened.... he's MY son.  He would stay with ME.  So if the responsibility is on me more than him, then that's fine by me.  *I* make choices about his discipline and upbringing, because most of the time, it's ME dealing with it.

Bullymom

About his new work promotion, he is basically assistant manager.  He goes where his boss tells him and he mainly just hangs out all day with other employees and gets paid $150 a day to do so.  Hell, I could do that! 

Now, let's be fair...I hope ya don't say this to him...lol. I know my DH sits at a desk in the sky all day...but he has responsibilities and does things I do not have the education or factulty to do. You must respect your partner or things cannot improve.

I know this thread is kind of your place to let it out...but I did want to step up and say...respect your man, respect what he does to earn money...don't belittle it or minimize it because there are many women out there living with shiftless idjits that DON'T work at all and put the entire load on them.

So what about the daycare? If it offers you an outlet and socialization and some time and space to MISS your daughter and that helps out with discipline from a patience standpoint....money well spent.

Just some input from this peanut in the gallery...

Bullymom

I have tried that before.  Madison was in daycare and I had a part time job.  I didn't even make enough money to cover the cost of daycare.  It seems like it's a waste of time to go to work and make enough money just to pay a daycare. 

 Do you have any friends with small children? Perhaps, you guys could exchange babysitting favors.......everybody would get a break and no money has to be exchanged......

The only person I know that has a small child is my sister.  That's a whole new story! 

rwbeagles

You might have a bit of depression...have you considered talking with a therpist about how you're feeling? Oftentimes it's nice to have it out with someone who's not involved or on anyone's side so to speak.

Bullymom

That's how EVERYTHING is with Justin.  He can catch a cold and some how, it's MY fault, (I keep the heat too low)  WTF?  I am trying to run the house, care for a 4 year old, keep all the animals and chores in order.  Don't I deserve a little more credit than he gives me?

To me that seems like the deeper issue under all of this. I have depression, anxiety, sleeping problems etc. and I can't imagine my husband telling me to get it together or else he wants a divorce! That's when I need him the MOST and he would never leave me like that. To me it's bordering on emotional abuse when a person treats someone like everything is their fault, they're not a good parent, nothing they do is good enough, etc. If he's not willing to ever admit that he's wrong or go to counseling, then..... I honestly don't know how there is going to be a good solution. I'm just being totally honest because I don't see how anything else is helpful.

Luvntzus

To me that seems like the deeper issue under all of this. I have depression, anxiety, sleeping problems etc. and I can't imagine my husband telling me to get it together or else he wants a divorce! That's when I need him the MOST and he would never leave me like that. To me it's bordering on emotional abuse when a person treats someone like everything is their fault, they're not a good parent, nothing they do is good enough, etc.

I agree with this so much!   I have bipolar disorder and the support of my partner is one of the most reliable and helpful things I have.    Of course it can be hard to have a partner with emotional problems or mental health issues, sometimes it can be insanely frustrating, but people need to learn how to deal with that in healthy ways that don't cause harm to either partner.   Having dealt with this issue for most of my life, I think it is really important to understand that while this is "an issue", it is not your FAULT and you are not responsible for his reactions.   He is and he needs to find a way to deal with it.   These things can include counselling, reading books (there are several great books for partners), journaling, a support group, or taking up knitting or jogging or fencing or whatever, but it is his responsibility to learn how to handle his emotions without taking his anger or frustration or sadness out on you.   It sounds like you are doing your part by seeking help and I think it is absolutely reasonable and healthy to have expectations that he does the same.

 Another thing:

I haven't read everyone's replies so I apologize if I'm repeating stuff, but you might want to think about what YOU want in this relationship.   It sounds like he is setting all the terms.   I'm not talking about blaming, I mean imagining what the kind of relationship you want looks like and what changes would have to take place for that to happen.  You might want to tell your partner what you need from him.   Be involved in setting the terms.   And the scariest thing might be if you realize that you can't have the kind of relationship you want to have with your partner, but if that is what  happens then you go from there.

Sorry I haven't replied until now,but we were without the internet yesterday and in the afternoon I went to the attorney with my daughter. She is going thru the same thing. She was going to file in September,but as usual,he said he would change.He is very controlling and has a violent temper.The last fight he threw the STOVE acrooss the floor and broke all kinds of glassware.She called the police and he was charged with domestic violence and put in jail for one night.  He got fined, no driving without permission from a probation officer,counseling and not allowed to ever own a gun.  Now you'd think he'd learn?    NO---he only went to a few counseling sessions,he blames her for the whole fiasco and expects her to work full time for a year and a half to help pay attorney fees.  He always degrades her, no matter how hard she works.     FINALLY,SHE'S HAD IT! THANK GOD!   I don't like to see a marriage fall apart, but enough is enough.I went thru divorce myself with 2 small girls, but life goes on and I met a better man and had another daughter. She went yesterday and filed.  He doesn't know it yet, but thinks she's thinking of filing.---now,again, he's begging her to stay.    For your own good,get out while you can.  See a doctor, see if he'll go to counseling or both of you go. If not, you're better off without the degrading and yelling and orders---you're not a child---you deserve respect.    Good luck---marriage isn't easy, you have to work at it.

maizysmom

The last fight he threw the STOVE acrooss the floor

Wow.  I hope your daughter didn't get hurt.  That's one good thing, Justin has never hit me.  He knows that I will hit back.  That is the one thing that I REFUSE to put up with.  I know that he is stressed out and all that but what about me?  I stay stressed out.  My dad says not to let little things bother me but I cannot help it.  DH is coming home early today, he's been gone since early Wed. morning, and we are going to sit down and talk.  I want this marriage to work.  I love him very much and we have a daughter together.  I think we owe it to her to try and work things out.  I have also been trying to get things straight with Madison and her behavior.  When I say that she can be a handful, I mean it.  She screams at me and she has even hit me a few times and she's only 4.  I have to get her calmed down before it's too late.  I don't want her to end up like my sister, all strung out on drugs and in and out of jail.

Bullymom

When I say that she can be a handful, I mean it.  She screams at me and she has even hit me a few times and she's only 4.

Do you have any idea why she acts that way?

No he's never hit her yet, but he does throw things, anything he can get his hands on. He's lucky their little girl didn't get injured ,as glass flew all over the place and was around where she was sitting at the time. With him, it's still verbal abuse, as with you, and that's very hard to deal with. You feel worthless and figure what's the sense.    Again, I hope things work out for you---take care.