Fear of posting, lack of trust, hurt feelings

ORIGINAL: denise m

It never ceases to amaze me how certain members are so passionate and dedicated about their love of dogs, yet seem at times to lack empathy, understanding or compassion for people. I used to believe there was some correlation between ones love of animals and ones love of your fellow man. At times this board has shattered that belief. Posters have been told to divorce their husbands because he doesn't like or treat the dog well. They have been told never to have children because they aren't willing to properly train their dog. They have been told they should sell their house and live in a trailer to pay for medical treatment for their dog or at least be willing to go on welfare. I remember Hideandseek being blasted for rehoming her dogs because she put the needs of her granddaughter first. I remember poor snowball (with allergies) whose owner had spent thousands, yet was slammed because she could not justify spending more to 'try' to find a solution and wanted to rehome into a different environment.

I appreciate everyones passion and would never judge your personal actions or decisions when it comes to your dogs. I too would go above and beyond for my dog, but I certainly wouldn't fault anyone who felt they couldn't. I just wish cetain members could step back and try to appreciate others situation instead of imposing their standards on everyone else. You don't need to agree with their decisions, but you can at least respect the hard decisions they are sometimes forced to make.

And the sad irony is that these types of exchanges do nothing to benefit the dogs---just further to frustrate and sadden the owners.

It never ceases to amaze me how certain members are so passionate and dedicated about their love of dogs, yet seem at times to lack empathy, understanding or compassion for people. I used to believe there was some correlation between ones love of animals and ones love of your fellow man.

 
There's really not o.o  I don't care for most people.  Not joking, incredibly serious here.
 
I do get what you're saying in the rest of your post, Denise.  I joined a rawfeeding list that was highly recommended to me when I was considering switching Strauss off kibble.  I stayed for less than a month.  You know why?  I got absoeffinlutely SICK of people telling me I've been poisioning my dog for three years.  The ONLY reason I was on that list at all was to get more info on raw so I could attempt to do a safe switch for HIM, because I know/knew full well that any other dog I ever have WILL be on high quality kibble, unless otherwise necessary.
 
Strauss was looking at a case of "otherwise necessary", because while I like how raw looks on paper, it's just too complicated and time consuming for me to work it out otherwise.  Not worth the hassle if I can find a kibble that takes care of Strauss' issue (itching...and it was seasonal...now that spring has come around and the weather is warm, he's stopped his clawed vendetta).
 
People don't like to be told they're poisoning their dog.  It's insulting and offensive (probably even more so once you know how to pick a good kibble, because you're being treated like a dumbass all over again).  On the other hand, some people just don't care and don't get it, and just want validation for what they're feeding.
 
My mother has taken a giant slide in dog food quality....she had the Lab on Iams, then she fed him Purina Dog chow, and NOW he's on disgusting Pedigree (which is making him FATTER, despite me telling her she needs to feed him LESS and get him back on DECENT FOOD).

I think this is a great idea for a thread.  I have read through all replies and I'm glad I did because it's been a real eye opener.  Also, IMO they've all stayed well within the bounds of courtesy and civilty.  For a "hot topic" that's a feat in itself, if past "hot topics" that stretch to 6 pages (and counting) are anything to go by!
 
I am nearly 100% sure that everyone who has taken the time to read what has been posted has been given food for thought.  I know I'm not the only one who has thought "oh no Idon't do that do I? hmmmmm...."  It's like the No Blame Approach to bullying when I was at school.  The issue was addressed, it made the culprits sit up and think about what they were doing, but because there was no finger pointing or punishment the bullies didn't retaliate... it got resolved quietly and peacefully. 
 
There ARE times when I am "afraid to post" and one of those reasons is that I do feel I would be repeating stuff that I've said recently which is going to look boring and pretentious to regular users, but I do think I fall into that trap sometimes.  Unfortunately I ONLY have my experience to go on, so a genuine Sorry  to anyone who rolls their eyes when they see a reply by me! 
 
Sometimes I'm afraid to post because I can't think of a single way to say what I want to in a nice way, so I hit the CANCEL button and leave it alone.  Looking back at old posts, I know there are times when maybe I should have done that and didn't, so sorry again. 
 
Sometimes I make myself abandon a thread because there's no way to continue without repeating myself or sinking into attacking the person opposing my opinion.  Sometimes I leave a thread or not even post to it in the 1st place because I can just "feel" that the bitchiness (excuse the term I couldn't think of a better one) will draw me in and I will end up lowering myself to that level.  I've fallen into that trap too but would like to think that I learned from my mistakes.
 
And there are a couple of areas I don't post in at all because I just don't like the "feel" of that board and the tone of some of the other posts left there.  I *love* the "block" button, but unfortunately it has it's limits - it does not blindfold you when one or two members manage to de-rail and poison a potentially interesting and informative debate by relentlessly needling and/or attacking other posters.  I notice that the people who I think would most benefit from reading this thread are nowhere to be seen and I wonder if they have at least seen the thread, read the responses and taken them to heart.
 
I wonder if people think I am one of those guilty of replying to questions but never asking any and if so I'd like to offer another apology.... The truth is that I learned early on when I rejoined here that certain questions would not be taken as sincere by other members and they would be taken as "baiting" whereas in truth I genuinely wanted  to debate a subject I found fascinating.  Other times I have not posted questions on health, parasite control or nutrition purely because of the way many people get their ear bent when they do.... I find it less embarassing and more peaceful to do a forum search and see if I can find the info I want that way.  And by lurking and reading the responses to other (braver) posters as a way to learn more.
 
I would like to bring to everyones attention that just because the mods haven't rapped your knuckles or you haven't had a PM from an offended user, it doesn't mean that everything you say is OK or acceptable to everyone.... For the most part if someone offends me, either directly or just through their posting style I just block them.  Like if you go somewhere (like a restaraunt) where the service is poor, most of the time you would just avoid that place in future.  You have to be pretty darn FURIOUS to make a scene and a proper complaint!  Or that's how I am anyway, and for me it's the same online.  I'm aure I'm not alone in that.
 
An example is DPU - there was a time when I blocked you - a long time ago and it was oh-so-grievous I ca';t even remember what it was now!!!  But you were on my "block" list for ages because something you said bothered me.  So "No offended PMs, no warning from the mods - hey I do no wrong!" is not accurate.  I haven't had any offended PMs either but I would not be surprised to discover that I had annoyed or upset someone at some point - I hope not, but I do feel strongly about some issues and I think that sometimes comes out in the way you post, no matter who you are.... it really doesn't help that READING a response is so different to actually conversing face-to-face.....
 
Anyway, that's me done.  Sorry it was a marathon!

Glenda, I hope you don't mind, I stole your sticky idea and posted it into the forum suggestions section. Here's the link if anyone has more ideas for stickies:http://forum.dog.com/asp/tm.asp?m=292747&mpage=1&key=񇞋

If you mind, feel free to bite me, and I'll delete the post. Sorry for the brief thread hijack!

my husband and my mother both have the same gripe with me:  i'm a steamroller.  if i think i'm right, i'll roll you over and over until you are flat and have no fight left in you. (i should've been a lawyer)
 
if i have ever appeared that way here, i would like to aplogize now.  i really really really try to read and re-read and edit my postings so that i don't sound like a jerk.
 
i am here because there is a LOT that i DON'T know about dogs, and i want my dogs to have the happiest, healthiest, longest lives that they can under my control.  if i have an opinion, it's usually about bullies, and i am so passionate about BSL and poorly raised/trained/bred pitties that i'm blinded by the activist in me.  if i see someone make a post that appears to paint bullies in a negative light, i get really preachy.  i'll never preach to you about training or nutrition because i can't.  but i CAN speak about rescue and about bullies, and i will.  if i'm overbearing, stop me and i'll rephrase!  i'm always up for a spirited debate, but only if i have enough knowledge on the subject to speak intelligently:  if you want to know about cars, working out, music, tattoos, or piercings, i'm your girl!  and i'm not afraid to say it! 
 
having said that, there are a few reply posts that i've received here that were opinions stated as fact.  i know that game, because i'm the master at it, and it's the one thing here that really disappoints me and stresses me out.  remember i posted "sometimes this place stresses me out" in NDR???? this is exactly what i was talking about.
 
having said that, i'll finish with what i've said to other people who were discouraged at what they perceived as nastiness:  there is too much great information here to allow some snippy stuff to drive anyone off.  we owe it to our dogs to consider all options that could make their lives better.  and, above all, it's just the internet!!!!!  most of us don't even know what the rest of us look like!
 
p.s.  i know i always say this, but i think it's really important:  thank you to everyone who has offered me advice or support. 

Maybe everyone should remember " It is not WHAT you say but HOW you say it."

ORIGINAL: angelabarry

I'll add my view here.  I am a long time member (over 3 years). I don't post a lot, but I read a lot.
In person I am very outgoing and can start a conversation with anyone in a checkout line!  Here.....I'll admit it.....I am sometimes afraid to post.  I have seen some of the reactions, and I don't want to be the brunt of them. There are some posters here who can be downright nasty at times.
So, I just tend to post about my own issues, and stay out of everyone else's.  This doesn't mean I don't care about what is happening in other member's lives--I do.  I miss reading posts from some of those who have left.
Ok, I'll step back into the corner now and continue to watch!

Same here! I post about my dogs issues, but I am way to afraid to post on anything else. I don't want to offend people or give wrong information even if I know the information is correct. I hardly like posting about my dogs, because I'm worried that I will get attacked for my dog having problems with something or not being a good enough owner. But I do care about other peoples dogs, and sometimes I want to post but I am afraid too. I also worry about posting, because I got Missi from a petstore (Petland) I had no idea about dog farms (or whatever they are called)  and I learned so much reading posts here. I feel very guilty about that.Well *sighs* there I said it.

while reading i recalled the one post that made me want to crawl under a rock. of course it was in nutrition. i said on a thread that i didn't feel the need to throw foods in peoople's faces, that i was just glad the dogs had loving homes and food in the dishes. not meaning my dog, who eats iams, which i've caught enough flack about for a lifetime, i have stood up to say i feed it a few times, but i never tell anyone they should feed it.

anyway, yeah i got a few hard hits from saying i was glad dogs get any food....it was taken in all the wrong context, but a few did understand my viewpoint and were even brave enough to say so. i never expect people to agree with me, but i do appreciate understanding and tolerance.

Good idea Cita...and I'm not even gonna air snap! []
 
Unfortunately, as a result of this thread, one member has asked to have her membership deleted and another is feeling harrassed.  To both, I'm truly sorry that happened.  This is WHY I set up the little rules at the beginning.
 
I agree with whoever said that the folks who MOST need this thread are conspicuously absent from it.  Hmmmmmm

Same here! I post about my dogs issues, but I am way to afraid to post on anything else. I don't want to offend people or give wrong information even if I know the information is correct. I hardly like posting about my dogs, because I'm worried that I will get attacked for my dog having problems with something or not being a good enough owner. But I do care about other peoples dogs, and sometimes I want to post but I am afraid too. I also worry about posting, because I got Missi from a petstore (Petland) I had no idea about dog farms (or whatever they are called)  and I learned so much reading posts here. I feel very guilty about that.Well *sighs* there I said it.

 
You know, I read this and it occured to me. If we could take a little of your feelings that you are afraid to offend people,,,and combine them with the ones that have no fear to offend someone....we would ALL be a little better off!

ORIGINAL: Chuffy
An example is DPU - there was a time when I blocked you - a long time ago and it was oh-so-grievous I ca';t even remember what it was now!!!  But you were on my "block" list for ages because something you said bothered me.  So "No offended PMs, no warning from the mods - hey I do no wrong!" is not accurate.  I haven't had any offended PMs either but I would not be surprised to discover that I had annoyed or upset someone at some point - I hope not, but I do feel strongly about some issues and I think that sometimes comes out in the way you post, no matter who you are.... it really doesn't help that READING a response is so different to actually conversing face-to-face.....
 
Anyway, that's me done.  Sorry it was a marathon!

The above is a good example of why people may be relunctant to post.  Why would anyone publicly disclose their personal option to block someone if not to humiliate.  Just do it and that should be enough.  Yes, I do think differently about dogs and my experience is different from others and I think that adds value to the forum.  Yes I do questions authorities on dogs and I always will.  Like I said the only person you can control is yourself.

Now I think Glenmar needs to recite her rules for the 5th time.
 
Added:  I have been a member since September.  "A long time ago" and "blocked for ages"....boy if six months represents a long time ago and ages, boy do I feel old or probably should be dead and buried for a long time.  See this is why I questions because of exaggerations.

We just have to figure out who gives the straight lines and who gives the punchlines.
 

ORIGINAL: denise m

It never ceases to amaze me how certain members are so passionate and dedicated about their love of dogs, yet seem at times to lack empathy, understanding or compassion for people. I used to believe there was some correlation between ones love of animals and ones love of your fellow man. At times this board has shattered that belief.

Most of my thoughts on this topic have been wonderfully covered already, but I wanted to jump in right here.  I wish everyone would understand or better appreciate how amazing a resource this board and its posters are.  When newbies come and get stomped, that is not just their loss but some dog's (and potentially future dogs) loss, their friends' loss, etc.  Preaching to the approved choir doesn't make for much progress.  Its the uninitiated you need to grab onto and welcome and "mold." 
 
There are people on this board whose posts I always used to read.  People whose experience and advice I valued.  If you give advice on this board, please consider that you might be thought of this way by someone out there.  Someone might "look up" to you, and maybe put a little extra value in your opinion.  I stopped having any "extra respect" for anyone when I was told I shouldn't own my dog.  Really that was my loss, but what good can come from such advice?  If you gave such advice, would you be happy knowing someone followed it? 
 
I "left" and lurked because many of the boards here are invaluable to me as a new owner.  I "came back" because I have a lot to learn and I just need to wade past the occasional currents of elitism to keep cherrypicking the good info.  I'm stubborn but many aren't, especially if they haven't been here long enough to know what a great resource they are leaving behind.

Although I may eventually have something to contribute to this thread, right now I just don't feel like it.  Has absolutely nothing to do with being afraid to post, yadda-yadda-yadda.
 
Admittedly, I have enjoyed reading though...gotten a fresh new perspective...it's almost as good as The Amazing Race which I'll have to peel myself from this board to go and watch.
 
This forum (and many others) would make for great reality television. []

Sometimes a dog forum reminds me more of the Roman Collossium. Guess maybe I've been watching too many gladiator movies lately! I have "Ben-Hur" in right now. [8D]

Voyeristic, stimulating, but slightly removed from "real" life. But aside from that aspect, the quest for knowledge through personal experience and a love of dogs seems to usually win out for most of us, in the end. []

I've read through a lot of dog boards, and still do every day. But, reading and fact gathering is not participating and sharing what you know. Some boards are very slanted, one sided, and moderated by folks of a more "extremist" faction...doesn't matter which way it is slanted, it's still there. No balance or open-mindedness in order to put the needs of the dog, owner, and the safety of society, first - while also realising there are many methods and perspectives which can be used depending what you are trying to achieve with a specific dog at a specific moment...

This particular forum is very rare and the only one I participate on anymore. I appreciate everyone here. Ups and downs are to be expected. I know I'm a pain at times. I just try to move on and still pay attention to the helpful nuggets everywhere you look, even from those I don't 100% agree with all of the time. I once had a member ask if we could just block each other during a rough spot in the road...nope (wink-wink-nudge-nudge! []). I enjoyed and valued that other person's perspectives and personal experiences far too much in many other areas to block them...but, then things settled down and and we moved on.

I'm not ever afraid to post. Trust is earned. My feelings will heal if bruised because sometimes it is just a growth process. And, the person I dissagree with the most, is sometimes the one who contains some nuggets on a different perspective from my own, which I am missing. []